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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 05/09/2011 21:25
TheOriginalFAB · 05/09/2011 21:32

I am so sorry Sad.

Bluetinkerbell · 05/09/2011 21:37

Wtw thinking of you! I hope the coming days will be gentle on you as you are preparing for Erin's funeral!

I hope your DD has a good first day back at school!

ExitPursuedByATroll · 05/09/2011 21:38

Thinking of you. Sad

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 05/09/2011 21:41

I'm sure your DD1 starting school is going to be very important to you all in this coming year. There can be a lovely community of parents of the children in Reception. I hope they will all look after you. Do you know any other parents of children starting with your DD1 who might be especially supportive ?
Am sorry to hear you're feeling rather numb today. Perhaps it is good to have some sort of rest.
Am glad to hear you were able to get out and buy DD1 her new school uniform today. Is she looking forward to going do you think ?

ColdSancerre · 05/09/2011 21:56

I'm very sorry whatever. The picture of your DD's together is lovely. Thinking of you tomorrow and hope DD1's first day goes well.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 05/09/2011 22:03

Juggling - she is really looking forward to it bless her. Her teacher is coming tomorrow for her home visit. It was supposed to be on Friday but had to ring and re-arrange it today and pre warn the school what has happened.

We didn't get our first choice of school (we live 300 metres further away than the last allocated place Sad) but she is still 2nd on the waiting list there. So unfortunately she (and I) know no-one at the school she is going to. She spent 4 yrs at the same nursery/pre school which was wonderful and all her little friends bar 2 are going to the school she didn't get in to. And her cousins already go there. I wasn't too concerned as she's quite outgoing and friendly but now I wish she did have some familiar faces for comfort in her first few weeks. Wish I did too if I'm honest as I am good friends with a lot of the mums. But we will make the best of it.

OP posts:
orangehead · 05/09/2011 22:19

Oh whatevertheweather I am so sorry. (I have only just seen this). Erin is a beautiful name and she looks gorgeous in the photos. Im at a loss for words, but wanted to say I am thinking of you and your family.

shabbapinkfrog · 05/09/2011 22:38

Whatever - I personally think that not knowing people at the school could turn out to be a good thing. Everybody knew my Matt (DS3) at Primary school and his brother (DS1) had to go to the school for a year after Matt was killed. He found it very difficult because people were very kind to him....maybe too kind IYKWIM. He liked going to High school because only a few people knew 'his story.' You, as a family, will get 'there' - wherever the hell 'there' is. Your love for each other is very obvious. There will always be difficult days - even in many years to come. BUT your love and strength as a family is very evident. Have been thinking about you all weekend xxx

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 05/09/2011 23:01

I've been driving myself crazy googling hydrops fetalis which was recorded as the cause of death but we do not know what caused the hydrops to happen and so suddenly and severely.

The consultants comment was I have reviewed last nights scans and the scan from 10 days before (routine growth scan) and it doesn't look like the same baby. Sadly it seems in many cases no definitive cause is ever found but we will have to wait for the results of the pm for that.

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 05/09/2011 23:14

I have never heard of that before Whatever. I have to stop myself from googling stuff. I remember once thinking how weird it is that this bloody world keeps turning.....we are stuck in a world of despair and a world of trying to smile (with difficulty) and the rest of the world keeps turning....how bloody dare they? If you ever need to rant, scream, cry, laugh, swear etc etc please PM me on here and I will send you my email address. Just wish I could help you more xxx

Dilligaf81 · 05/09/2011 23:19

Im so sorry for you Erin is a beautiful name. xx

BustersOfDoom · 05/09/2011 23:23

Dear Whatevertheweather I too had missed this until now. I am so sorry for your loss. The photos of Erin are beautiful. And also to CheeseandGherkins I am sorry I missed Scarlett's thread and am also sorry for your loss. Again such beautiful photos of a beautiful girl. You both and your families are in my thoughts.

Thumbwitch · 06/09/2011 00:04

Whatever - probably best to stop googling. I know a few things about hydrops foetalis but mostly in connection with Rhesus "disease" and that would have been picked up waaay before now if it were relevant, so that's most likely not it; and the non-immune causes should be picked up in the PM - so you (hard though it is) really should wait and see what they say.

I am glad that DD1 is looking forward to starting school - look at it as an opportunity for her to make a bunch of new friends, and you too (in time). As Shabba says, it might be easier that no one knew about Erin and you aren't both faced with people asking about her all the time, which could be distressing. :(

(((hugs))) for you all

imogengladheart · 06/09/2011 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 06/09/2011 20:51

Hi whatever How was your day ? Was it a help to have DD1's home visit today ? I hope DD1 got on well with her teacher and enjoyed the visit. I liked our home visits except I found there was lots of paperwork to fill in (a pet hate of mine !)
Were you able to go and see Erin today at the chapel ? How are plans for Friday? Is there anything we could help with here ?
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. xxx

shabbapinkfrog · 06/09/2011 21:45

On the bereaved Mums thread we have a list of our childrens birthdays and remember days (anniversary) When one of those days sadly come around we all light candles to honour each others children.

Maybe on Friday we could all light candles in our homes...Im sure we could cover many miles of candles burning for Erin and her family.

Whatever - I hope I haven't offended or upset you with my idea. xxxx

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 06/09/2011 22:59

Thumbwitch I know you are right - step away from doctor google. I know nothing except waiting for the results of the pm will tell us anything (even if that just tells us what it's not). But you are right it would be non immune hydrops nothing to do with rhesus.

Juggling thank you for asking. K's home visit went really well. She was relaxed, happy and chatty with her teacher who was lovely. A relief for sure. Preparations for Friday are nearly complete Sad

Shabba that is a lovely thought. Thank you for including Erin.

Dp finding things pretty tough. He struggles with the feeling of helplessness and with 'flashbacks' to what he saw the doctors doing to her when they were trying to save her. I'm trying to make sure he talks to me and doesn't feel he has to 'protect' me from his feelings. He went out for a few drinks with his brother last night which I hope helped him.

This is all so unreal still. I just want her back.

OP posts:
Northernlurkerr · 06/09/2011 23:06

Are you getting much support from the hospital. Would it help dh to have a debrief with someone from the medical side? Everything they tried for Erin will be documented and he could be talked through that.

A lot of medical procedures look very challenging but there is no way to work with a newborn baby other than to be gentle because they are fragile. I am sure they didn't hurt her.

It's a week since you first posted. It seems longer than that to me so I can't think what it's like for you. Just keep following Shabba's principle. One foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 06/09/2011 23:24

Yes we will have a full debrief when we get pm results (prob about 4-5weeks). We were able to read through all of my notes before we left hospital which helped as the whole thing was so so fast neither of us really knew what happened. My sil sat with us and went through them as she is a nurse practioner in scbu.

I think it's more the image of her that is haunting him not that they were hurting her iyswim. We know they did everything possible and everyone at the hospital was amazing which helps as there is no 'what if they'd acted faster/tried more etc'

OP posts:
Northernlurkerr · 06/09/2011 23:33

Gosh how handy to have your sil there then to do that - that must have been really helpful. Hard for her I imagine though Sad

You are right, they did everything they could. What you have to come to terms with though is that despite that you lost your precious girl. I honestly don't know how you do that but I do know that there are ladies on here who have walked your road and will hold your hand every step of the way and the rest of us are behind you too.

brighthair · 06/09/2011 23:55

I have only just seen this thread. Erin is a beautiful name and I am so sorry for your loss x x

ExitPursuedByATroll · 07/09/2011 14:15

Every time I open this thread my heart aches for you. I cannot imagine how you are holding yourself together and I admire your strength. I will be thinking about you all on Friday and will light a candle for Erin.

Sad
mohara · 07/09/2011 14:22

Wtw-still thinking of you all. Sending you lots of hugs and support from Scotland, and I too will light a candle for Erin on Friday. Xx

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 07/09/2011 19:30

Thinking of you all still now, and especially on Friday. xxx

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