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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

OP posts:
piratecat · 03/09/2011 10:17

whatevertheweather,

i just wanted to say that I am so very sorry for you and your families loss. Erin is a beautiful baby, and her sister is a star like her.

x

lisad123 · 03/09/2011 10:18

just wanted to say im thinking of you.
Take your time, and dont rush, if you want to stay in bed, no one will blame you.
I hope your dh is holding up and you get to give your beutiful girl a beutiful goodbye for now.
loads of hugs xx

PacificDogwood · 03/09/2011 10:24

Whatever, much love from here too.

Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do just know.
It is so cruel how life just goes on as if nothing had happened when your entire universe has just come off its axle Sad.
Hiding in bed seems perfectly appropriate to me.
((hugs))

mohara · 03/09/2011 10:44

Wtw, sending hugs your way. Your love for your family shines out of your posts, your two DDs sound like the most loved girls in the world. Thinking if you all

LittleWhiteWolf · 03/09/2011 11:50

Just read this whole thread. My heart goes out to you and your family, WhateverTheWeather. Your daughters are both very beautiful.

imogengladheart · 03/09/2011 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDBouquetVAMOSRAFA · 03/09/2011 20:12

Whatever

Just to say thinking of you.

Much love. xxxxx

t0lk13n · 03/09/2011 20:13

Nothing else to add but sorry x

CheeseandGherkins · 03/09/2011 23:10

Whatever thank you. I hope you have a peaceful night and day tomorrow, although I know too well that that is being optimistic. I remember at first that I couldn't go out, eating and sleeping were nigh impossible but I couldn't face anyone. I had to take it a day at a time, get through the hours to become a day then a night. I found the nights very hard as I couldn't sleep and it was quiet so my mind was even more active. Be kind to yourself.

These are the poems we had read at Scarlett's funeral, they were very apt for us. She was dh's first baby, our first together although I have three myself.

Father to Daughter

What can I say? Where shall I start?
You were so beautiful, you captured my heart
We only got to know you, through images on a screen
We felt the occasional movement, the rest was left unseen

If God had allowed it, I would have loved you so
I would have given anything, just to see you grow
To share with you in laughter; your joy, your years
To even share the sad times, and wipe away your tears

You would have been so beautiful; you had your mother?s eyes
And witty and funny, and carefree and wise
You?d have loved the mountains, as we shared walks and climbs
You had such potential; now I know only sad times

I will not devalue the time we shared, with any platitude
Just take these never-had memories, into my solitude
They said once for a princess, that the price for love was grief
So I will hold onto the loss I feel, and won?t let it be brief

I will not end with sadness; there?s hope in these words I?ve spoken
My joy is now the Father?s, and in Heaven nothing?s broken
Please know I dared to love you, and if Heaven?s rules allow
I?ll hold you close again one day, and forget the pain of now

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mummy set me free.
I miss my Mummy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mummy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

An Angel Never Dies

Don?t let them say I wasn?t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I?ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can?t hold
It doesn?t mean I?m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I?ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You?ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn?t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I?m watching over all you do,
Another child you?ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you?ll understand.

Although I?ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn?t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

"What is dying?

A ship sails and I stand watching til she fades on the horizon,
and someone at my side says, "She is gone".
Gone Where?
Gone from my sight, that is all:
she is just as large as when I saw her....
The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me,
not in her,
and just at the moment when someone at my side says "she is gone", there are others who are watching her coming,
and other voices take up a glad shout,
"there she comes!"...
and that is dying."

Whatevertheweather · 04/09/2011 04:52

Thank you for sharing those cheeseandgherkins they are beautiful and am sure the were very poignant on Scarlett's day. My sister is reading a poem called 'When you wake up tomorrow' and my Dad has written something himself. Not sure how they will manage to read them though. I expect they will be able to for Erin.

Today has been a really had day. The world just seems to be carrying on as before, and I know it will and has to, but I just want it to stop. I have been dry eyed most of the day so so heavy inside. I feel like people expect me to be breaking down and weeping all the time but I just feel numb at the moment. I just want my baby back.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 04/09/2011 07:00

Whatever, I haven't anything useful to say - just ((((hugs)))) for you. Do what you need to do for yourself at the moment and take care.

notlettingthefearshow · 04/09/2011 07:07

I'm so sorry. How devestating for you and your family. I hope you can support each other in your grief.

You couldn't have known. It is hard to accept there are some illnesses which are beyond our control. Please try not to blame yourself.

Robotindisguise · 04/09/2011 07:09

Whatever - huge hugs for you. I'm so sorry and Erin is beautiful.

I have a friend who lost a baby at the same sort of gestation. One of her consultants said that when this happens to babies at that age it can be a problem with their metabolism. It would start to run solo at that time (rather than relying on the mother's) and if it isn't able to do so, that can cause a stillbirth at around that time. I just wanted to say, as she didn't find that out for a while.

Wishing you strength at this terrible time x

saffronwblue · 04/09/2011 11:12

Thinking of you, whatever. It must be very hard feeling that the world is going about its business while your world has crashed. Try not to focus on what others expect you to do; cry, don't cry, stay in bed, don't stay in bed- just get yourself through each bit of ech day.

youarekidding · 04/09/2011 14:16

whatever

Just read your updates and sending you ((((HUGS)))).

Wishing you strength and keeping you and your family in my prayers.

I hope K enjoys her first day at school too.

iwasyoungonce · 04/09/2011 14:21

Just wanted to say that I feel so sorry for your loss. You coud not have possibly known, please be kind to yourself. Erin will live on in your heart and in your memories, forever.

Whatevertheweather · 04/09/2011 14:54

Please could I ask for your help again. Can anybody think of a suitable scripture/bible passage that the deacon could include at Erin's funeral? He is a lovely man and is conducting the service for us as the normal parish priest is away but he has not had any experience of babies funerals and is at a bit of a loss as to what to include. We have our own readings but this needs to be from the bible. Thank you x

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 04/09/2011 15:03

here is a full service with 3 scripture readings - maybe one of those?

Luke chapter 18 v 16

I know you already have readings and so on but have just found this on, would you believe it, an old MN thread:
Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

  • Author Unknown -

Hope that helps and have another ((hug)).

Bluetinkerbell · 04/09/2011 15:27

whatever

We had following reading:
Reading from the Gospel of Mark
Jesus Blesses Little Children
Some people brought children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples scolded the people. When Jesus noticed this, he was angry and said to his disciples,
Let the children come to me, and do not stop them, because the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
I assure you that whoever does not receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.
Then he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on each of them, and blessed them.

If you want pm me your email address and I will send your our little girl's funeral booklet!

Whatevertheweather · 04/09/2011 15:43

thumbwitch and bluetinkerbell thank you. I shall use both the Matthew and Mark verses. They are perfect x

OP posts:
deemented · 04/09/2011 16:03

I'm not much of a church go-er, but have found these, and i wonder if they are suitable?

He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others."
2 Corinthians 1 3-4

I am worn out with grief; every night my bed is damp from my weeping; my pillow is soaked with tears.
Psalms 6:6

This next quote, although not from the bible, sums it up well for me ;

Life is eternal;
and love is immortal;
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.

Rossiter Worthington Raymond

Also, i found this poem a comfort

And if I go,
while you?re still here?
Know that I live on,
Vibrating to a different measure
Behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
So you must have faith.
I wait for the time when
We can soar together again,
both aware of each other.
Until then,
live your life to its fullest
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
?I will be there.

~ Emily Dickinson ~

UrsulaBuffayHere2Help · 04/09/2011 17:32

Gosh that photo of your daughters together took my breath away, what an amazing girl your eldest is. Rest peacefully Erin x

sunshineandshowers13 · 05/09/2011 20:01

Just wanted to say i have been thinking of you today.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 05/09/2011 20:18

Dear whatever I was thinking of you whilst I was away in the Peak District for a few days.
The purple heather on top of the hills was looking beautiful.
I wish I was a better knitter as I think it's lovely that MNers are making a blanket in memory of Erin, and for you all.
My square would be heather coloured.
Much love, juggling xxx

Whatevertheweather · 05/09/2011 21:24

Thank you. I'm feeling quite lost at the moment. The tears seem to have dried up and I am just going through the motions. Took dd1 to get her last bits of school uniform today. Felt very bizarre to be doing something so normal.

Today would have been the first day of my mat leave Sad and it dawned on me today there will be no pushing of a pram to take dd1 to school. I was really looking forward to that Sad

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