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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 01/09/2011 23:40

Whatever - so glad you have been able to see Erin again.
I would think that they have used a bit of makeup on her to make her look pinker - I had a friend once who worked as an undertaker's beautician. They don't put make up on as you would to go out, they just use very subtle tones to try and recreate a natural look.
I am also glad that everyone you are dealing with now has the proper respect and sensitivity to your situation.

much love to you all. xx

youarekidding · 02/09/2011 07:49

shabba lovely post.

WTW I am so sorry yesterday was so difficult. I am very pleased you managed to see Erin again.

You and Erin are constantly in my thoughts and prayers at the moment as are K and your DH.

Also love to all the mummies who've had angel babies or who have suffered the death of a child.

Your love and compassion shine through on this thread.

xx

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 02/09/2011 09:11

Shabba - thank you for the poem. It couldn't be more true Sad

MrsD - I know what you mean Erin wasn't due for another 4 weeks I actually don't want her here, I just want her healthy and back inside me

I never knew grief could make you feel so heavy. Whenever I go outside I feel like I'm wading through treacle locked inside my own little bubble and everyone else is on the outside

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 02/09/2011 09:21

Do you find you have indigestion? I used to feel like that all the time. Also used to rub my chin on my shoulder constantly???? The physical problems, for me, were unexpected and a bit scary for a while. I saw my GP and he said I was 'self comforting' when I rubbed my chin. I used to sigh about a thousand times a day and say 'Oh dear' - I was also amazed that I woke up each day and used to wonder at the strength of the human body. Everything you are feeling is totally normal, and, yes, I know the treacle wading very well xxx

MrsDBouquetVAMOSRAFA · 02/09/2011 12:15

Whatever

You are right. Grief does make you feel heavy, and as if it takes all your energy to do just one thing. I used to try to start to do something, and then get distracted, and then find it very upsetting because I couldn't remember what I was doing, or even how to do it. Simple things like making a cup of coffee/tea were such an effort. Things like having a bath can be so draining.

And shabba's right. It is competely normal, and no-one will be able to tell you when you will start 'feeling better'. Just take each day as it comes, the world will wait for you. Smile xxxxx

chinam · 02/09/2011 12:54

Whatever Your daughters are absolutely beautiful. I'm so very sorry for your loss and will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

WhoremoaneeGrainger · 02/09/2011 13:52

Whatever - your photos are beautiful.

My DN was born sleeping last year, at 36 weeks. MY SIL water's broke, butno labour. Took her in hosp to monitor, just woke up one morning and she wasnt moving. They did an emergency CS but it was too late. She too was a beautiful girl, just like both of yours are.

Im a pretty poor knitter, but the squares are filled with love and comfort xxxx

Sariska · 02/09/2011 14:56

I'm no good at knitting but I'm sending you my heartfelt sympathies over the loss of tiny Erin and as many hugs as you want. I'm very glad to hear that you have good RL support and I'm sure you know that there will always be people here for you too.

Thank you for sharing the photos. You have beautiful daughters and they are both lucky to have such a loving mother. Always remember that.

miniwedge · 02/09/2011 19:56

Thank you so much for sharing the pictures of your two beautiful daughters.

I'm so sorry that Erin couldn't be with you longer, your posts resonate with such love for her and your dd1.

Sending you lots of love and wishing you some peace in the days ahead. X x

biffandchip · 02/09/2011 22:01

I am so sorry for your loss, Erin is beautiful, sending lots of love.

RandomMess · 02/09/2011 22:08

Whatever I have finally stolen some time to look at the photos of your gorgeous daughters [isad].

Grief is unique to each and everyone of us. There are no rights and no wrongs and loving and caring and crying and screaming and mourning and wishing it were different are what make us human.

Wishing you peace and strength for your dd1 (and by strength perhaps that's being strong enough to let her see the tears and know that you are sad) x

SerenaJoy · 02/09/2011 22:32

So very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Whatever. I can't begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. Your plans for Erin's funeral sound absolutely lovely. Wishing you strength and peace for the days ahead.

dietstartstmoz · 03/09/2011 08:03

So sorry for your loss. Sending big hugs to you through my tears.

toodles · 03/09/2011 08:21

So sorry for your loss.

The photos of her are so beautiful, especially the one with her big sister.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 03/09/2011 09:44

I really can't do this. Can't even get out of bed this morning Sad

OP posts:
throckenholt · 03/09/2011 09:48

I just wanted to express my sympathy and remind you that your older daughter needs you now more than ever.

You sound as if you have nothing to live for. That is so far from the truth. You have been through hell and have still a way to go - but it is something you can and will do.

QOD · 03/09/2011 09:48

Im so sorry :( Didn't want to leave this unanswered.
It will get easier, you won't forget her, you don't want to - but it will get easier - don't be too hard on yourself - you will have bad days and better ones. Take it one step at a time

Have an unmumsnetty hug (((((hug)))))

deemented · 03/09/2011 09:48

Then don't. Is there any good reason why you can't just stay there? Remember sweetheart, one moment at a time, and breathe.

Thumbwitch · 03/09/2011 09:52

Exactly what Dee said - stay in bed if you need to today. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other at a time - you will get there. Hug your DD for all you're worth - remember she needs you too.

xxxx

MCDL · 03/09/2011 09:53

So so sorry for your loss. Your other dd will bring you through.

shabbapinkfrog · 03/09/2011 09:54

Its all overwhelming isin't it whatever? Somebody once sent me a little note.....it was put through my door late at night and I never knew who sent it. The note said how sorry they were for my loss and then the words that make total sense. ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND DONT FORGET TO BREATHE. Thats how my early days of grief were - I would walk and remind myself....'left, right, left, right' something as simple as walking was too difficult.

Bluetinkerbell · 03/09/2011 09:58

take it easy whatever !

send your DH to the shops to get some ready meals, put your DD in front of Cbeebies or a DVD and stay in bed! or cuddle up with her, but I know she probably won't want to stay in bed with you the whole time!

roulade · 03/09/2011 10:00

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how awful it is for you Sad

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 03/09/2011 10:06

Thank you. One foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe. I like that, that makes sense.

DD not here - she's gone to ballet with dd. I couldn't face it as they've had a break over the holidays and the inevitable 'not long now comments' before clocking my lack of bump or baby would have been too much Sad That's probably why I can't find the energy to get up. Will make sure I am by the time they get back.

OP posts:
MCDL · 03/09/2011 10:09

DH hurting too, be there for each other.. Best wishes ....

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