My baby daughter died. I want her back

[Whatevertheweather]

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

Beautiful photos WTW thank u for posting them xxxx

Such precious, beautiful photos whatever. Your girls are both beautiful.

I was thinking about you again when I got up this morning, sending you much love.

My cousin had a wicker casket for his wife- just beautiful. The flowers sound lovely too.

Thank you for sharing your girls with us, wtw - they are both so beautiful, and your eldest DD is every inch the proud big sister.

I'm glad you were able to find someone who will look after Erin well. You all deserve that. And i think the wicker casket is just right - it's what i chose for my DS1.

Sending much love to you, sweetheart x

You daughters are beautiful WTW. DH looked over my shoulder as I was looking at the pictures last night and said how lovely Erin was and how happy her sister looked to be holding her.

It sounds as though you and your DH are planning a lovely send off for her. x

WTW, I feel so privileged to have seen photographs of your beautiful girls. Thank you.

The photograph of your two daughters together is especially lovely. Given the heartbreaking circumstances, allowing your eldest to meet her baby sister was a remarkable gift. I am sure she will treasure the photograph always.

Whatever - what beautiful pictures, and what a wonderful thing to have done for K, to give her that memory and make her feel like the big sister she is. Erin looks so peaceful and loved. Your plans for the funeral sound beautiful - I wish your family all love and peace. xx

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your little Erin - she is beautiful. Though she never opened her eyes I don't doubt for a second that she knew she was loved. Love to you all xxxx

oh, Erin looks like such a wee peach, I am so sorry that you didn't get to spend more time with her. And your other daughter is gorgeous also, what a beautiful picture of a proud big sister and her wee sis. i'm so terribly sorry for you, what an utterly horrible loss for you all.

I am so sorry for your loss. Erin and her big sister are both so beautiful. I hope that the PM and funeral go as well as they can.

Sending much love.

What beautiful photographs - and how lovely for your DD to have that record of her baby sister when she grows up.

I am so sorry for your loss. So so sorry.

Lovely photos of your two little girls. All my thoughts are with you.

MrsDBouquet - That is a beautiful and charming poem. Love to you and all other bereaved mummys here. Your love and strength for one another is a privilege to witness.

So sorry for your loss. I'm finding this difficult as it hasn't been that long since we lost our daughter Scarlett. At first I felt so numb and didn't believe it was true but cried constantly. I felt I'd wake and she would still be inside me but she wasn't. I was 37 weeks when we found out she'd died inside me. It was horrendous but talking has helped me so much and I've had a lot of support on here and from my family.

We decided on a white coffin for her and had poems read and Tears in Heaven played as well as Brahms lullaby. I can link the poems if you like.

I currently have a link in my profile to photos of Scarlett, the coffin at the funeral and flowers on the day. It was an incredibly difficult day and I didn't cope for months. Slowly I'm getting better but nothing is the same anymore and I doubt ever will be. I'm having a really hard time lately but I've had many ups and downs and I'm hoping this is a down and will soon pass.

If I can help in any way or answer anything then please feel free to ask here or pm me. Thinking of you, your family and your beautiful daughter Erin.

Beautiful photos of both your girls. I've been thinking of you over the past few days and wishing you every bit of strength and love xx

WTW I went into church this morning to restock the tealights and matches on our special table. I said a prayer for Erin when i lit her candle. I do hope that Jack has found her and is looking after her......

juggling

It's not much, but it has helped me a little bit in the dark days. I always say that I am a very lucky Mum, as I really DO have an Angel.

Unfortunately, it is a 'club' you would never dream you would be part of, until it happens. And it's only when it happens, you realise that it's not as rare as you think.

Our little boy is buried in a special place next to the main cemetery where we are, called The Snowdrop Garden. There are lots around, and they are especially for babies and children under 3. It is really strange when you go to visit, it is as if when you walk in, the rest of the world melts away. It's so quiet and peaceful, and it is as lovely as it is sad to see all the little things that people leave for their babies and children.

Our little boy has a stone with "Shhh...baby sleeping" on it, and his name, and the date he was born. He also has a butterfly, which is a recognised symbol of the death of babies and children, but is also a symbol of new life.

I would just like to say to any parents that if you are having a bad day at all, for any reason, if you want to chat to anyone, I may not be here at the time, but please feel free to pm me, I always check in every day, so I might not reply straight away, but I will before the day is out. I know how hard it can be sometimes and you just want someone who knows a little bit about what it's like to have a chat with.

Take care all. xxxxx

Oh cheeseandgherkins I have just had a look at your pictures of Scarlett - she is beautiful and her grave looks a testament to your love for her. I am sorry you are finding things tough at the moment. I imagine we are both at the beginning of a very long, hard road.

I can't believe how many of you lovely ladies have been through this awful time.

I have found today the hardest yet - 1 week since Erin was born and passed. All day its been 'this time last week I was...'. Had a total meltdown at 8.22pm the time she was born just 7 short days ago. We also had to go and register her birth and death today, it was handled really sensitively though and we managed to get in and out without seeing another baby.

We did get to see Erin again today though which was very bittersweet. She is now in the chapel of rest at the funeral home. I feel relief I know where she is and we got to have more cuddles with her. She looks so much better than when we last saw her which i don't really understand as they haven't done anything to 'preserve' her but her skin looks pinker again.

I am scared though about the 'alternate reality' of the next week until her funeral next Friday. I know I won't be able to stop myself from going to see her each day but I wonder if that will make burying her next week even harder.

Another day nearly done

I don't want to leave your post hanging.
Today must have been a really, reallly hard day for you. x
But you sound so brave, so amazing.

MY MUM IS A SURVIVOR

My Mum is a survivor, or so I've heard it said,
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away,
I watch over my surviving Mum, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise.
But through heaven's open door I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My surviving Mum tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
As I watch over my surviving Mum...through heaven's open door
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden that she bears
So if you get the chance, go visit her...and show her that you care
For no matter what she says, no watter what she feels
My surviving Mum has a broken heart that time wont ever heal.

'Lovingly stolen from a Compassionate Friends newsletter.'

Whatever

I am sure that today has been so, so very hard. I counted the firsts of everything for ages. I hated the first weeks or so, maybe more so because my son had been born at 26 weeks and so wasn't due to be born ?

I don't think that anyone can really advise you about what to do for the next week, but I would say that if how you get through it is by going to visit Erin every day, that's what you do. People may call you morbid, try to tell you it's wrong, that you shouldn't feel the way you do, but just ignore all that. It is well-meaning advice, but you have to do what YOU feel is best for you right now. No-one can tell you that you should do this, that or the other, you just have to get up each day and get through it as best you can.

I wont pretend to you that Erin's funeral will be one of the hardest things you will ever do. (But you don't need me to tell you that). Nothing is harder than your baby's funeral. I don't think the service itself is 'hard', I found the walking away afterwards just awful. It's like when you leave the hospital, something feels wrong, and you know it is, but you just cannot put it right.

Just always have in your mind that Erin will be at peace, with all the other Angels, looking over us. She will always be with you, no matter where you are, for you carry her in your heart, wherever you go.

Take your time, and do what you need to do, and what feels right/comforting/whatever. There are no rights and wrongs for this time.

xxxxx

So true MrsD.....this is going to sound very strange but my DS3's funeral was amazing. My DS2 (twin) died when we first moved to our area and his funeral was quiet but beautiful. BUT everybody knew my DS3.....he had talked to strangers (when told not to) he talked to everybody. We had hundreds of cards and letters from people I have never met. The church was overflowing, school closed for the day and the majority of children walked up the road to church carrying their chairs.....we had 'If I was a butterfly' as one of the hymns and the children did all the actions and sang loudly....very soon all the congregation were singing along and copying the actions. It was the most beautiful tribute to an amazing little lad.

BUT nobody expects to bury their children....its not right. Death is revolting at any age - when my great Aunt died at 101 years old I sobbed for days and days. If we didn't have the emotion of love we wouldn't grieve for precious lost loved ones.

xxxxx

shabba

Your DS3's funeral sounds lovely.

At my son's there was only me, DH and my parents (under duress, but that's another story !). But I just remember it not being about who was there, and I wasn't saying goodbye, oddly enough, I was laying him to rest, in a beautiful place where we go to visit him.

I quite agree with you. It's not right to bury a child. And yet it is amazing what our love for our children will help carry us through.

xxxxx

So sad for you. What a horrible thing to experience. I hope you are surrounded by support and can give yourself all the space you will need to grieve your loss.