Love, like starlight, never dies... Our precious children sparkling in the sky xx

[CazandBelle]

"Small was feeling grim and dark. He was playing toss and fling and bang and crash. Break and snap and bash and batter. Small said ?I?m a grim and grumpy little small and nobody loves me at all?. ?Oh Small,? said Large. ?Grumpy or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said, ?If I was a grizzly bear would you still love me would you still care?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bear or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said ?But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bug or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

?No matter what?? said Small, and smiled, ?What if I was a crocodile?? Large said ?I?d hug you close and hold you tight and tuck you up in bed at night?.
?Does love wear out? said Small, ?does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?? ?Oh help,? said Large ?I?m not that clever I just know I?ll love you forever?.

Small said ?but what about when you?re dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?? Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright.

?Small look at the stars ? how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies?.

NO MATTER WHAT by Debi Gliori

Missing my beautiful Belle, a year to the day we placed her to bed in her garden. Mummy and Daddy love you, always. To the moon and back xxx

Morning girls xx

Morning ladies xx

Having trouble posting, not sure why (to technical probably, need a teenager to sort it out)

Congratulations Spilt wonderful news. You and your family must be so happy and relieved. Freya is a beautiful name. xx

Well done Caz!!xx

Hope you soon find some peace ginge it is still early days. You may find that you and your husband can talk when you are away from home. xx

Morning folks.

Am having a sad day today. It's coming up to my boys birthdays and i miss Ciaran terribly. I have to go to a funeral today of a cousin who died. She was in her early fifties and it was very very sudden and completely unexpected. We didn't see each other regularly, but i shall miss her.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day x

Have a hug dee the days before all the anniversaries are horrible. So sorry to hear about your cousin. What an awful shock for you all. xx

Morning lavandes and dee hugs to you!

FM you just made me sob on the other thread when you said 'Jesus let me shine' as one of your songs....OMG I am a snotty mess. We used to sing that at Primary school. We loved it because it wasn't boring like all the other hymns.

Jesus bids us shine!!! Cant think straight xx

hello everyone. i am brave enough to post now. tomorrow is 2 months since my baby daughter died aged 23 days. she was born at 24+1 due to me picking up strep infection via probably an incompetent cervix (went undiagnosed). she was so so wanted (our miracle natural pregnancy after failed ivfs and mcs) and is so terribly missed. every morning i wake up with a stab in my heart, i wonder if it will ever go away... i gave birth alone and my dh was able to join me only two weeks later and just before our dd went terribly downhill

Welcome Bemybebe - Im glad you came but sorry you had to. It sounds like you have had an awful time and Im sorry to hear about your darling little lady.
What did you call her? You will get support and a listening ear on this thread xx

sorry posted too early... gave birth when travelling abroad alone, at least i was able to call a friend who was also in that country...
just wonder what the hell do you guys do when a child dies?????

You are braver than me!!! Which country were you in? That sounds like a nightmare.

Oh god posting on whatever's thread has taken me right back to that fateful day and I too am a snotty mess tonight ..
I have tissues and choc biccies if anyone wants me to share

hi bemybebe.. What do you do when your child dies??? You eventually build yourself a new life without your child where you can smile and plan for the future and perhaps even have more children..

but till then you have to deal with your grief in whatever way feels right.There will be tears , their will be anger, there will be guilt and there will probs be some alcohol involved and either over eating or not eating at all.. and thats just for starters.

The best thing in my opinion is to find someone or a group of people who have been through exactly what you have and to talk honestly with them

I struuggled to find someone (my local sands were useless) and counselling just wasnt good either ..but this thread has been a lifeline .. the ladies on here are wonderfu.
Hopefuly you will feel like I do you can post the oddest feelings and things you have done and at least 2 of us will say thats not odd.. I have said/felt/done that

morning girls,big hugs to everyonexx

Morning girls xx

Morning folks,

I feel so bad posting here to talk when i'm such an infrequent poster here now, but honestly, i have nowhere else. I'm sorry.

I went to the funeral yesterday, and it was incredibly sad. I ended up in tears, but i'm ot sure who they were for - my cousin or myself. How awful is that? I feel i'm really struggling at the moment. The boys birthays are approaching at a rate of knots and everyone just expects me to be so happy and of course i'll paint that smile on for DS2, but inside i'm dying just a bit more. No one has mentioned Ciaran yet, and i can't help but wonder if it'll be the same as last year, when i was the only person to mention Ciaran's name the whole day. For some reason, my sister isn't speaking to me at the moment -i don't know what i've done - or am supposed to have done - to her. Am just sick of it all.

Love to you all x

Never feel bad about coming 'here' Dee - Im sorry you feel so sad and down. Wish we lived closer and I could help more. A funeral always brings all our feelings crashing back. Will post more this afternoon my friend - Lew is just arriving - I had a full week off so he will not be happy about being left with me!!!

Morning ladies xx

I am so sorry you are having such an awful time dee you mustn't feel bad for not posting much. I think we all try to stay away for a while, and we all understand why. But we are still all here for eachother. I think that a lot of people think that having other children makes up for the loss. This is so untrue. We love all our other children, and grandchildren in my case, as much as we did before our child died. For me it is a totally separate thing. My SIL actually said to me 'what does it say about ds2 and grandsons if you can't move on' I tried to explain that it was nothing to do with how I feel about them. I think they all think that our new grandson (expected soon) will put things right, but it won't. It doesn't mean that I am not excited about him, I am over the moon, but he will not make up for losing Richard, that is not his job. You love your ds2 so much that I am sure you will find the strength to give him a 'happy birthday', but of course you will be upset about Ciaran you wouldn't be normal if you didn't. I still think that only a bereaved mum can 'get' this. xxx

Morning guys... i run away yesterday because it just feels so painful and raw facing Tasya's death so directly again. I hope you do not mind me popping here for a very short sessions and building my time writing about it a little at a time. I am doing it now and, again, as yesterday and as so many days before, I am in tears, my face is all red and puffed up and I just cannot afford facing rl people in this state again.

Shabba, I was in Russia... it was going to be only a one-week trip.

I am getting help, my first counselling session is coming up tomorrow, hopefully it will help me dealing with this all. I was already diagnosed with depression due to deaths and near-death episodes in my family over the last few years, but this is probably the worst...

I agree with lavandes about 'getting it'... i was told so many times "oh, but you will have other children" that i had to tell (as calmly as I could master at that time) to the person who also is a mother to four dcs to imagine one of theirs die and someone telling her 'oh, you should not be too upset as you still have the other three'... i immediately regretted saying this, but the lady in question got very quiet and silently shook her head in agreement

Morning.

dee so sorry you're feeling so low, I too am really struggling for some reason.

beme I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself, it's very early days for you.

I'm really not coping right now, the past few days have been rough but today I feel anxious and totally overwhelmed. I feel like I'm on the verge of losing my mind and that scares me. Trying to pull it together. Not sleeping properly again or eating much either but I'm trying. I wonder if it's the pregnancy hormones or just being pregnant bringing it to the surface again.

Not left the house in days either so I'm going to go for a walk soon and try to brave the world. I hate feeling like this. I feel so shaky too. Trying to distract myself with scrabble and anything I can on my phone but it isn't working as well as usual. I'm hoping things pick up soon as I can't bear this.

I was also asked about a week after Oliver passed away " you can have another one though" like as if it was a broken plate or something!!! I was so hurt! And the answer was NO i cant!! I was sterilized when I had Oliver and even if I wasnt I could never replace him!! Even though the longing to hold another child is so great!! I miss our cuddles! He was such a mammys boy!!
Bemybaby how long has it been since your little angel passed away? I also suffer with depression, and have done fore some years now and loosing Oliver has definatly had an effect on this!! Just make sure you get some help for this!! It can spiral out of control so easily, believe me!! I have had so many melt downs over the passed 17 weeks!! Thinking of you now xx

gingergirl Tasya died two months ago today. I've noticed that whilst after my mc a year ago I was not coping at all when seeing pregnant mothers or babies or anything baby-related (formula ads, people pushing buggies towards me, toddler laughter in the park which is across the road from us), this time it is only when I speak or think about her or her presence in the house (her cot is still in the 'baby' room and we bought/were given some baby clothes and toys)... i am terrified of death... my brother died in an accident 10 years ago aged only 23, my mum died from pancreatic cancer 8 years ago, my dh had two near death episodes: once routine operation went bad and he was in coma for 3 weeks and then 1.5 year in rehab relearning simplest of tasks, then just last year when he was given 50x50 of chance to survive the other operation following the complication from the previous one. Now Tasya... i just wonder when the hell does it stop and how one copes with all this thrown at her all the bloody time.

surprisingly, it is only other people's death that scares the shit out of me, i am not afraid of my own death despite it being so palpable now... i mean it in the most emotion-less, calm way (not suicidal iykwim)

my mum was only 55 btw and her demise over 6 months from diagnosis to death was horrendous. she was in Russia and we were not supported through palliative care at all. for various reasons that are nothing to do with her but corruption and lack of care and are irrelevant here she was denied even painkillers like morphine, so we had to cope with other-the-counter remedies and at home you can only imagine what it is like...
i went over to stay with her for 6 months (my dh was already out of rehab at home, but we employed a carer for him), so i do not know how i have coped then and why i do not cope now...

Coping through this is totally different!! The loss of a child compares to nothing!! I lost my dad to cancer when I was 11, at that time it was the end of the world!! But now loosing Oliver is far worst!! I know what you mean about the thought of death!! I'm not suicidal don't get me wrong, however many days I feel that being dead is a better thought than being alive! I've always been afraid of death but I'm not anymore because I know I will be with Oliver again!
I believe sometimes that bad things tend to happen over and over to the same people, and others go through life so smoothly!