daft comments said by others during bereavement period

[earth1984]

Just buried mum today. Was really strong throughout day. Upon returning home I gound tears trickling down whilst on computer. Dh noticed tears and said "What have you been watching?
Sure there are lots more like this.

LuckyWeKeptTheCot - I agree completely with MrsDeVere. Just allowing her to talk and allowing her to be upset when she needs to is the most supportive thing you can do.

Cherry and Schadenfreude - those are both awful stories. xxx

Was in building society opening an account for handling late mothers estate. The member of staff noticed my birthday was coming up and asked me if I was looking forward to it! Like I am going to enjoy birthday 1 month after I buried my mum.

I am sooooo and at the insensitive comments that people have had to endure.
At the same time I have just realise I said a MASSIVELY insensitive thing to a colleague whose best friend died from cancer 8 months ago. What an idiot I am. Is it worth apologising now or should I just leave it? Please don't ask what I said, I'm cringing realising as it's only just occured to me

Which is why we should try not to take comments to heart JSS, often, I'm sure they are not intentional.

Solos - should I say something now or just leave it do you think?

After my Grandmother died my "friend" said "I know just how you feel, when we lost Bingo last year I cried for weeks"...Bingo was her dog. No, she didn't understand why I found that insulting, even after I (bizarrely) asked if Bingo could do the Telegraph Crossword in under an hour.

With my mum my dad, on the way to the funeral, said "so I guess now you can hire a big skip, get all of the old junk out and then sell the house?". They never got on but he just couldn't restrain his glee. Still punishes me now for not throwing out the antiques and selling her house!

Sorrow is a very personal thing and (in a world of Jeremy Kyle style PDA) too many people forget sometimes it's best to say nothing at all.

JSS, I don't know! The only thing you could say IMO is that you realised recently that you were quite insensitive about her friend/situation/whatever it was you said and that you want to apologise. But I'm no expert at all...she may have forgotten what you said in which case you could be dragging it all up...tough one really. Good luck though whatever you do.

After my Dad died, the phoning around to tell friends and family was mainly done by me and my uncle. We both found that loads of people exclaimed, "You're joking!" ( My Dad's death was very sudden and unexpected)
We knew they didn't mean it but it did strike us that it was an odd thing to think we would joke about it!

A few months after my husband died, I was told by a complete stranger that I 'really was very lucky, and that there are a lot of women in the room that had to be jealous' of me. She also tried to get me to agree to this!!!!

Listen love, YOU may not have been happily married but I was!!! It's been a year since that was said to me and I still want to slap her!!!

I was also stopped by a random old lady outside the church before the burial and asked if I was 'the widow'. Would ya give me chance to bury him before I wrap my head around that fact first please?

And I completely agree to the 'In a better place' comments- he was perfectly happy where he was thanks! (But willing to let that one slide as I now know that there are worse things that can be said).

Some people are a little tactless- but others are completely nuts.

I had a mmc 3 weeks ago...I've had all the usual comments 'It's for the best' 'it must have been deformed' 'things happen for a reason' ...definitely do not like getting the 'well at least you know you can get pregnant' (I'd rather be able to stay pregnant thanks)..a comment I have heard more times than I'd like to say. I also HATE that some friends have said...'Aren't you over it yet? I mean..it's not like it was a proper baby' ( i was 16 weeks) ....'You need to stop dwelling on it' it also another fave (it's been THREE WEEKS..not 3 years you morons) ...and 'Glad you've put it behind you and gone back to work' Hmm..think you'll find I've gone back to work because I've had to. Personally I'd love to have time to grieve for a little longer.

I've come to the conclusion people are just RUBBISH at dealing with loss! I used to think i was..but actually all i've EVER said to people is..;I have no idea how you're feeling but I"m thinking of you' and i just wish more people were saying this to me now. (rather than...'i know how you feel' NO YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL I'VE LOST MY BABY AND YOU'VE POPPED OUT 3 NO PROBLEM grrrrr)

Sorry to hear of your loss Kitesurf. A mmc is truly horrible. I had one between having my 2 dc. You are right people really don.t know what to say.
I have lost 2 family members recently and fortunately my boss has been great but other members of my family have not been so lucky.

Just saw this and wanted to add my own. I need somewhere to vent!!!!

2 weeks ago my DD's [17] best friend was killed in a car accident. We are all still in shock and I really cannot believe it is true. I am so so worried about my DD, they loved and relied upon each other so much. I know nothing can be said or done to make thinks better for DD. As her mum I just want to make things better.

The mum of the darling girl who died is also one of my closest friends so I am trying to support her too. There is so much pain, such a massive hole and still some people say hte most stupid things.

Someone said to the mum "isn't it sad?" I mean wtf "sad" doesnt come anywhere close.

And one lunatic said to me "we went to visit x, but noone answered, I expect she was out shopping or something" !!!

Another said "Oh I want to go and see the family, but I don't know what to say. Its so difficult for me, I think it's easier for them in this situation because they don't have to say anything"

Totally agree with the idea that sometimes it's better to say nothing at all. If you feel you must say something, 'I was so sorry to hear about your (mum/dad/daughter/son/etc)' is enough. AND THEN TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. Well, that's how I felt when my son died. It was good to know that people knew and cared, but I couldn't cope with deep meaningful conversations about it in the middle of the supermarket.

people are unbelievable aren't they! I've just gone back to work, and one of my colleagues actually said to me, "i don't think we should have been told why you were off, cos now it's really awkward for us and makes us feel uncomfortable. You should have just said you were ill. ' Oh. i'm sorry that MY bad news makes you feel bad!
quicklookbusy...my then bf died when I was 21...it was an incredibly hard time, but your daughter WILL get through it. She will never forget, and will always miss her friend, but I do actually think the younger we are, the better we are able to cope. I'm thinking of her, and of course the girls family. You're right, 'sad' is such a stupid thing to say, but really...what a tremendous tragedy...no one should have to go through losing a child. Sending prayers. x

Thank you Kitsurfgirl, I think you might be right about the young being able to cope a little better, my DD has been amazingover the last few days, I'm so proud of her.

Could out myself with this one but had to share. Lost mum 4 months ago and one of my sibling recieved an email from a "friend" Not going to bore you with it all but said sorry about your mum but you are not seeing the positives. I don't want to trivialse it but my mum had a near death experience. Several paragaghs about her mum who is still alive and how they discussed how her mum would want to go etc. The jest of the email was that we were really luucky that our mum died as a result of a clot on the brain caused by too many bumps tto the head and a stroke.

bristol jeeezzzz some people just leave me speechless. :O How bloody awful is that 'friend' wow. It's amazing how some people just love to be competitive don't they...as if whatever you're going through isn't as bad as something they have...or the old 'look at the positive's comment. Errm.. no. How's about you shut up and just say how awful it is. Idiots.

When dd died ages 5 weeks we had loads of stupid comments.

One person started discussing her funeral arrangements while sat at the side of dd as she was hooked up to a life support machine.

A woman in he Dr's told me that "Babies are only borrowed and sometimes God wants them back" .

When I had dd2 a neighbour stuck her head in the pram and said "Is this the replacement then?".

My mum huffed and tutted at people who she thought were being "too soppy" when they offered condolences.

My mum also tried to insist we gave dd1's name to dd2 as a middle name.

I remember all the awful stupid foolish questions people asked but I also remember the kind words and the letters from people who didn't know what to say so wrote a letter or card to let us know they cared. Or the people that just hugged us or mentioned her name or her birthday instead of letting her be the elephant in the room and cringing when we said her name.

OP - dh did the asking me why I was upset thing a couple of times after bil died and my sister was widowed at 31. I just ignored him tbh. He was a great support at the time and I know he felt it very much. Sometimes they just have a dim moment.

Not quite the same thing as a lot of you but I am still angry about one person who didn't say anything to me after bil's death. Nothing, not a word or concern or support. He was (is) my church minister. I think he just forgot. Unfortunately I do hold him to a higher standard.

Saying nothing is almost as bad as saying nothing at all isn't it? Five weeks ago I had a mmc at 4 months...one of my good friends (who didn't know I was pregnant because she's abroad at the moment) sent me a 'hey how are you' text...i replied to tell her my sad news (this was 3 days after I'd had the baby) ...and she's replied with......nothing! She's managed to 'like' plenty of fb photos, status updates since, and put random crap on my fb...but not one little mention of what i've gone through. I'm insulted to the point of wanting to have it out with her..but what can you do.

I never liked my mum's partner, on hearing my grandpa had died, saying "Oh shit". I hated her using an expletive about a loved relative dying. But I see it's pretty common on here, people see threads about someone having died and they say "Oh shit", so I guess I should get over it. At the time it really jarred, it was crass, insensitive, thoughtless. Mum's partner might have just been thinking of grandpa as her ptnr's dad rather than being MY grandpa. But he was!

Sorry for your loss earth1984.

Same thing happened to me Kite. Someone who used to be a good friend but has now moved 300 miles away did this twice, !st when I had my miscarriage. I replied to one of her "round robins" and did I get a reply? She was the same when my mum died. Again I emailed but no response. When I lost my sister I got a x on my status update.

my mother's cremation was yesterday. my aunt (who was there) called today to say that she expected that I felt much better today now that "yesterday was over".

after my mother had died two weeks ago, the funeral home asked if we wanted them to pick her up from the hospital morgue or whether we would like to bring mum there ourselves.....

The thing that took my breath away initially (I'm used to it now) is that you tell people and they forget.

You know, when you start a new job or whatever. It comes up somewhere: 'what do your parents do?' or 'where do they live?' and you have to say for the first time: 'my mum died last year' and its such a huge deal to have to say it just like that in the middle of a conversation. And then these new people say 'oh Im sorry' and are a little embarrassed so you move the conversation on...

And then...a few weeks pass and they say: 'oh are you going to your parents for Christmas?' or 'how often do you speak to your mum' and
you have to take a very very deep breath and say 'my mum passed away'. Some of them have the decency to blush at this point, but not many.

make you realise how little people are actually interested in what you say

MIL passed away a few days ago. On the day she was dying in intensive care a friend of the family asked our alcoholic neighbours who are known for loud parties and arguments if they could keep the noise down that night out of respect. When we got home the neighbour shouted at us told us she didn't care that DH's mum had died, what was it to her and f* your mum. She then threatened our family and pushed her way into our house so that we had to call the police.

Another supposedly friend of MIL came into her house today and when DH said hello her response was 'do I know you', despite the fact that he used to live there and she has known him at least 20 years. She was joking I think, but it was highly inappropriate in the circumstance and very rude.