daft comments said by others during bereavement period

[earth1984]

Just buried mum today. Was really strong throughout day. Upon returning home I gound tears trickling down whilst on computer. Dh noticed tears and said "What have you been watching?
Sure there are lots more like this.

When I lost my baby at 22 weeks, I had

"It was for the best" and

"Try not to dwell on it"

I knew they were a bit stumped so I graciously dealt with it but

Some work colleagues of mine were discussing funeral hymns with me following my dad's death. "Well, 'Abide With Me' is enough to make you top yourself" said one. Which wouldn't have been so tragic if my dad HADN'T committed suicide ......

Sorry, earth, such a difficult, difficult time - I remember tears rolling unbidden down my face, never felt a hurt so deep.

At the wake for my Mum my cousin said to me 'At least she didn't meet a violent end'.

And a few weeks later I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen since Mum died who chattered on with no mention of her - I started to think she mustn't have heard the news so made a remark to see if she knew and she replied 'Oh yeah - circle of life innit' (I was five months pregnant at the time).

Both meant well, but I haven't forgotten the crassness of them.

So sorry about your mum Earth {{hug}}

The worst thing is, someone comes out with a crass comment and the first thing you want to do is tell your mum, 'you'll never guess what so-and-so said'...

I lost both my parents when I was young, and some of the stupid things people have said to me are astounding...one example being shortly after my dad died, my boss' dog died, and she said 'oh womma, I know you've just lost your dad, but we loved our dog so much and it's just so much worse...' as she skipped off to cry on her mum and dads' shoulders and I went home to my very empty feeling house...grrr.

It's astonishing how people seem to think, well they've been dead a week, you've had a funeral, get over it now fgs! Makes you feel even more lonely. I would advise developing your Paddington style hard stare, then you don't have to utter a word.

Earth, so sorry about your mother. My mother died a few months ago. A wise friend of mine said when her mother died it was like being without a skin for at least a year (as in, sensitive and raw).

The worst comment I had was from a school mum who I thought was quite a good friend, and had even lost her own mother some years ago. I live abroad so had travelled back to the UK when my mother was dying, with my youngest DD, then DH and DS followed us to be with us for the funeral. When we got back to school, this mum asked, 'how was your trip, did you have a good time?' This completely threw me for a second, as I thought perhaps she hadn't heard my news - but then she added, 'Apart from, you know...'

What, apart from watching my mother die and organising her funeral, you mean? Yes, it was a ball.

My siblings and I also found it hard when the first thing anyone would say after we told them the news, was 'How is your father doing?' OK he's old and totally relied on her and in shock, but I felt like shouting, 'What about me? I've lost my mother.'

Another one I hate is when people who are acquaintances rather than good friends say, 'sorry about your mother, how are you?' What am I supposed to say? Either lie and say something glib like, I'm alright. Or spend five minutes telling someone I don't really know about my grieving process and how much pain I'm in. Anyone got any good answers for this one?

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum Earth My hat goes off to you for being strong at her funeral, I've no idea how you did that, you're a hero. {gentle hug}

My beautiful sister died a few months ago, I've heard a few....
"She's in a better place" Utter bollocks, her best place was on the sofa having a tickle fight with her her babies.
"It must be nice to get back to normal again" What the furry fuck is normal when - as flimflammery said so beautifully - you have no skin to protect you?

But to answer your question flimflammery about people I didn't know so well who've asked that - I answer truthfully "Every bit as shit as you'd expect". Some people wander off embarrassed but I've also been bowled over by how kind some people have been. They've shared their hidden pain, their memories of loved ones and it's drawn me closer to them.

womma Seriously? A dog? Seriously, well done for not hitting her.

henry I am so sorry about your sister and for everyone who has lost someone they love on this thread.

I have had the dog/cat/hamster thing said to me and I know many bereaved parents who have heard it in all its different forms. Its a fairly common response it seems.

Though I have to say womma I have never heard of someone saying the loss of their pet is worse . Your boss wins on that score. How dreadful.

I think most of us realise that the majority of people are trying to be nice. Some are just stupid and self centred though.

I have said this before but I will say it again, why should the person who has been so cruelly bereaved have to be the one who is understanding all the time? Why are we the ones who have to make allowances for every stupid thing someone says when that person is clearly not making any for us?

SO sorry for everyone here who has lost a loved one.

When my Dad died, people talked about us at least having 'lovely memories'. Fuck the fuck off, I do not want memories, I want my Dad!

Then there is the 'at least he didn't suffer long' shit. Oh, that's right, because it is wonderful to suffer a sudden and unexpected CVA and spend a week in a coma.

And as for having to comfort other people.

But, you know, I'm not bitter.

I think people feel they need to say something, and it just comes out wrong. A lot of upsetting and thoughtless things that have been said to me over the years are from my peer group, who were young at the time, so had no experience of close bereavement. I'm amazed at my younger self being able to realise this and just get on with it, but it makes you feel very lonely.

I try to always acknowledge someone's loss and pain, and just try to think how they must be feeling, but for all I know I've probably put my foot in it with someone, although I sincerely hope not.

Now that my friends' parents are aging, I realise there is an upside for me personally, I went through it all years ago and don't have to worry about my parents getting ill or dying now. There does seem to be an assumption that I'm the person to go to when friends are going through these experiences, but to be honest I'm not keen to take that role on. Maybe I am a bitter old sod, but I do have at the back of my mind that I had to go through it all alone a long time ago, and it's your turn now and I'll be as much help as you were to me. I don't mean it in a nasty way (and of course I would never actually say it to anyone!) but I just think what goes round comes round.

Reading that over does strike me that I could sound very selfish, but I hope some of you understand what I mean.

My sil told me today that her Gran had died. I told her I was sorry. I didn't know her Gran but love my sil and wanted her to know I cared. Now I'm worried I said the wrong thing. But I can't even now not on the spot think what the right thing to say would have been.

I buried my Mum on Friday and we had inlaws down. Mum in law is nice but has no concept of empathy. On the way back from the crematorium all she could whittle on about was how her sisters new boss was ill and had a brain tumour and how he was going to die. My mum had just died of pancreatic cancer. Worse of all was she is quite a big lady and I squeezed between her and my screaming baby. I did consider muminlawcide but too much paperwork.

On a funny note my baby decided to talk during the eulogy I read out - had to be nursed by the lady vicar and then had a brown stain which my Dad pointed out towards all the everyone. I know it is a very tough time I am still in shock but laughing helps.

A good friend of mine lost her mum in unimaginably horrific circumstances. I was talking to mil (who knows friend) about a year later about how much my friend was struggling. Mil response 'but she died ages ago, surely she's over it by now'. But then mil has as much empathy as a plastic teapot.

My Granny died last year and we had to travel from Scotland to Ireland for the funeral. My MiL and her husband came to stay in our house to look after the kids for the few days it took us to go to the funeral. When we got back the front door was locked so we had to ring the bell to get in - my MiL's husband came to open the door for us and the first words out of his mouth were "so everybody's still alive then?" I was so shocked I felt physically sick and just about managed to utter "except for my Granny, yes everybody's still alive!" before fleeing up the stairs in floods of tears. I admit that I was probably majorly hormonal at the time, as well as being very emotional at our loss, as I was 9 weeks pregnant, but still!!!

Sorry about your mum.
After 3 mcs I was told well at least you know you can get pregnant whats the point in getting pregnant if you cant stay pregnant. I also had lots of that is was probably for the best as they was probably something wrong with the babies. As it turned out the babies were perfectly healthy it was my stupid body rejecting them and so what if there was something wrong with them it does not make it ok they were still my babies that I so desperately wanted.
I also sadly had some friends who ignored. Tbh I would much rather some one be honest and say I dont know what to say but Im thinking of you than for them to avoid you completely.

My dh's nanna 2 months after our dd was stillborn at 41 weeks when told we'd gone away for my birthday "Why aren t they over the loss now??? In my day you just got over it"
Really well fu** off....
2 friends who avoided me as oppose to say anything!!!!
As i tell people whatever you says is highly unlikely to hurt me any more than loosing my daughter.
Oh and my MIL who refused to contribute to a charity website in my daughter's name "take it from what her son [ny hubby] owes me from his first car 25 years ago!!!" Needless to say i no longer have anything to do with her!!!!

Sorry for all of your losses.
To be fair three years ago I had not had any one close die, so I admit that I had no idea how it felt, as a result i may have been saying all the wrong things.We knew for ten long yet short months, that my lovely DH my 3 kids lovely Dad was going to die.
I've had some amazing ones.
Two months after steve died someone asked me if I'd thought about dating.
I hate the he's in a better place.
You'll have lots of free time now you're a widow.
In laws said very many abusive nasty things, including, that I caused his brain tumour by stressing him for years, backed it up by saying cos his identical twin brother doesn't have it.

I feel I'm much better at talking to other people who are walking the same path, I always forgive peoples words if there is no malicious intent, would drive me mad and bitter.

flimflammery I got that comment all the time after my dad died- "how's your mum doing?". Everybody was so focused on her needs that they all seemed to forget I'd lost my dad.

Poor DH thought he was being kind a few months after dad died and asked if I'd like to stop in a graveyard we passed.. Graveyards have always been my Thing and (ordinarily) I love to read the inscriptions and look at the different styles of stones. He looked really when I snivelled that actually I wasn't feeling up to it.

Earth, I'm very sorry about your mum - I can only imagine what it was like for you.

I don't think I had anything too bad said to me when my 6 week old DD died, it was more what wasn't said. This was three years ago and some people that I have and continue to work with have never uttered a word to me about her. I can forgive them but will never forget. In a similar vein, a friend who I have known since I was 7yrs old came to visit day after DD's funeral (she had only arrived in UK that day for other reasons) - she didn't mention my daughter once during her 2 hr visit. My sister gave her a right bollicking later on which she wasn't too pleased about probably because she knew how crap she had been.

A couple that we had previously gone on holiday with etc, that stayed with us a couple of months later said nothing to me about her either (although the man did offer condolences to my DH to be fair), not even when we brought them to the cemetery although the woman asked if it was a pet cemetery on the way in. I am still mystified how you can stand in front of a baby's grave and not even say to the mother standing there too, "I'm sorry".

When my parents' best friend that I'd known since birth committed suicide, my boss told me it really wasn't on to go to the funeral when we still had some advertising space to fill in the magazine I ran. I went over his head and got it signed off as annual leave by the managing director himself.

Dick.

Earth, and everyone else - I am sorry for your losses.

"Everything happens for a reason" - was told this numerous times after my son died when I was 22 weeks pregnant with him. If those people can give me the reason, I'd be really interested to hear about it.

Also, my ex-BIL, 4 hours after my Dad died suddenly asked me if I could pop round with the rucksack I was going to lend him for his holiday

Very sorry for everyone's losses :(

My dad died (unexpectedly) just a couple of months before my dp proposed to me. My mum died when I was young so I had no parents to share the good news with. Delighted as I was to be marrying my wonderful dp, it was a time of mixed feelings to say the least.

Was at MIL's house shortly after the proposal and she was going on about the wedding, clearly gearing herself up for a big 'do' with all the extended family etc. I said that since I had little family left and didn't think I could face the big traditional thing with all the holes where my parents should be (parent walking me down the aisle, father/daughter dance, father of the bride speech etc.), we were planning a small ceremony followed by a bigger informal 'come as you are' party for family and friends.

She said we should reconsider and do "a proper wedding"; I said that I would find that too hard and didn't think I'd enjoy the day.

Her response was "but by the time you have the wedding it will be more than a year since your father died."

As if an extra few months would mean that I'd miss my dad and mum less on my wedding day .

But she's lovely really, my MIL. And she still talks about what a great time she had at our (small, informal) wedding. :) Sometimes things just come out all wrong.

When I told my book group that my dad was dying one woman asked how old he was. When I said " 77" she said, 'oh but that's old" and made it clear that she didn't see why I was getting any air time on the subject.

When I had an ectopic pregnancy my MIL was away on holiday. On her return she spent three hours showing me her stupid photos and never once mentioned that I had nearly died and had lost a longed for pregnancy.

I must say both these people are people who lack empathy in many of thre social interactions.

"People die every day" is what DH said to me when my mum died.
That was over 10 years ago and it still hurts that he could say something so bloody callous. I know that he didn't really mean it and was probably just stuck for words, but it still hurts.
DH had held my hand when my DB had died 10 years before that, on the day we found out I was pregnant with our first baby. I guess he must have thought that because I had been through it once when my DB died that I would be able to cope when my mum died.
I can't help thinking that when he does eventually experience the grief of losing a parent or sibling, he'll realise how much it will affect him. A bit mean of me, but I will be there to help him through it.