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Original poster

daft comments said by others during bereavement period

104 replies

earth1984 · 28/03/2011 21:41

Just buried mum today. Was really strong throughout day. Upon returning home I gound tears trickling down whilst on computer. Dh noticed tears and said "What have you been watching?
Sure there are lots more like this.

OP posts:
thefirstMrsDeVere · 02/04/2011 11:03

I was at a meeting of a bereavement group. One lovely dad was saying how he was really hating seeing child death being made into dramas and all over the tv at the time. It does seem like it is the 'sexy' subject atm Hmm

Another dad bawled out ' well its a fact of life innit. Kids die dont they' he managed to bawl with a sneer on his face which is quite an achievment for someone so thick.

I am so glad mild mannered lovely dad managed to give him a verbal pasting. The twat had been trying to shout us all down for years as the only bloke there.

I am sure its the only reason he goes.

NoWittyName · 02/04/2011 11:15

My daughter died nearly 4 years ago and haven't had any ridiculous comments for a while...until two days ago.

Was holding new daughter (6 months). Nice lady in shop asked if I had others. I gave my usual response..."I've got a son of 7 1/2 years and I had a daughter but she died when she was 15months."

Lady responded with, "Oh. I lost a child too. But he was a boy, so..." (with knowing look in the eye.)

I didn't realise there was a points system for child bereavement with son loss scoring higher than daughter loss!

thefirstMrsDeVere · 02/04/2011 11:29

nowitty Sad

How fucking awful.

I say the same as you and get varying responses. I just cant bear to leave DD out when people ask. They have asked a lot over the last few years as I have had two babies. I also have quite a few children so people always want to know the details.

I always feel more let down when the person being a twat is also a bereaved parent. Not fair I suppose but I do.

Original poster
earth1984 · 02/04/2011 21:34

Thank you for sharing these comments. Dh has just done it again. I just didn't comment. I cannot see how he doesn't get that I may want to cry at this time.

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thefirstMrsDeVere · 02/04/2011 22:04

Poor earth Sad

Some people, even really nice ones, some times just cannot get it and never will.

But its very hard to understand someone not getting why you would feel so sad at this time.
All I can say is dont try and hide it for his benefit. It may thats what he wants you to do so he doesnt have to deal with it. But you are the one that matters at the moment. I am sorry about your mum.

Cry away. Take it from me, its better to let it out.

LuckyWeKeptTheCot · 02/04/2011 22:14

After my dad died when I was 25 a university acquaintance said "Oh well we don't live with them anymore so it's not so bad". Actually I did still live with them. And I'm 40 and it's still bad. What a twat.

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/04/2011 22:28

Christ. What awful things people say.

I am sure some people are stupid. My best friend's son killed himself 5 years ago, he was only 19. It ripped her to pieces. I live miles away from her, but she would call me and I would be flabbergasted at what people said. She worked in a school (the school which her son had attended) and the worst culprits were the teachers - she went back to work after having weeks off and one of the first people to see her when she was very wobbly and apprehensive said 'I am sure it will cheer you up being around children of your son's age'. I cannot understand the mentality of someone who is supposedly intelligent saying something like that.

Her son was one of 4 boys, she has often had 'at least you have some other sons' as if somehow they can take his place.

lavandes · 02/04/2011 23:52

4 or 5 weeks after my son had died suddenly my ex (thank god) sister in law phoned me and said 'I hear you have gone back to work, glad you are getting over it and have moved on'. WTF I just said 'sorry someone is at the door'. and hung up, why bother with people like that?

solo · 03/04/2011 00:40

I have come out with a couple...the first was when my friend died of a brain tumour. He was 7 and I was 10. His family had moved away before he was taken ill and his parents came down after he'd died. I came out with 'our Mrs Molly (tropical fish) died and we flushed her down the toilet' soo cringeworthy.
The second was weeks before my own Dad died, my good friends Mum died and after the cremation when we were all looking at the flowers etc, I went to her Dad and said 'and how are you? I mean, how's your health?' it just all came out wrong :( I also avoided a friend after her baby was stillborn as I just didn't know what to do or say...I've never done that again though. In fact, another friends baby was due the day before my Dd was due and I was delighted for him. His son was born sleeping on the day that Dd was due and Dd was late. Friend emailed me (we work together) to tell me what had happened about 3 months later and I actively made a point of phoning him at work to talk to him about it and he told me that he really appreciated that I had as it isn't easy to do.

wabbit · 03/04/2011 01:03

My dd's primary teacher, being asked to keep a special eye on dd as her cousin (16months and as close as a sister) had just died of a brain tumour, came out with ' well you have to put some perspective on these things, we think it's a tragedy now but years ago it was commonplace to die as a baby and family would just get on with life ' Hmm

I never forgave her for that... makes me want to slap her now.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 03/04/2011 10:01

Twat. People didnt just get on with it.
I used to work for a bereavement charity and i would answer the phone to people who had lost children in the war and still hadnt 'moved on'.

People are stupid.

junojuno · 03/04/2011 10:12

My Dad died of cancer and the last month was quite harrowing. I was 22.

I phoned a lot of people to tell them so my Mum didn't have to.

One of his friends asked how we all were and I said we were ok and that there was an element of relief that it was all over now. To which he replied 'well of course I never wanted it to happen at all'. Yeah, because we all did Hmm.

Another friend, who had always been an over familiar tway, said at his funeral (when talking about my 3 siblings),' I
don't think you were his favourite were you?' Angry.

15 years later and I still want to punch him everytime I see him.

wabbit · 03/04/2011 16:50

Absolutely MrsDeVere - I've just looked at your profile, what a beautiful, beautiful girl your darling daughter was... how heartbreaking

thefirstMrsDeVere · 03/04/2011 21:42

thank you wabbit. That is very kind of you.

everlong · 03/04/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
earth1984 · 04/04/2011 11:17

This one happened between them switching off ventilator and mum passing away. She was on holiday and staying in a hotel for coach parties. We went into a pub for a meal and a drink close to the hotel. Publican was really friendly and asked us wher we were staying. When we told him he replaced last word in hotel name with. "death"

OP posts:
Original poster
earth1984 · 04/04/2011 11:17

Not his fault as of course he didn't know.

OP posts:
NoWittyName · 04/04/2011 14:12

It is all astounding.

Not sure whether I find those who feel they are 'being helpful' worse than those who are out and out hideous!

cherrychoo · 04/04/2011 14:19

dhs friend visited me after my 1st mc.

We had just started to renovate our now gorgeous house.

He looked around the bare walls and stated:

"well, its a good thing you had that miscarriage, you couldnt have brought a baby up in this".

Fuck the fuck off you dick....

junojuno · 04/04/2011 15:06

Cherry, I am absolutely gobsmacked. Sad

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/04/2011 22:30

My mother after my father had died: "I don't know why you're so upset. He was only your father. He was my husband."

And after the woman next door had a late miscarriage: "Well it's not as if you actually knew the baby, is it?"

LuckyWeKeptTheCot · 05/04/2011 15:18

Could I ask something else? I am acquainted with - as in not really friends but always stop and have nice chats - a very kind woman whose grand-daughter has just hanged herself aged 13. I have spoken to her and siad I had heard - almost avoided her because I didn't want to get it wrong. I said I know we don't know each other well but if you ever want to go for a coffee and talk I'd be happy to because sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers. She appreciated it I think but...I see her quite often - I use her shop. Any advice from people who have lost children/grandchildren about how I might offer some support without intruding. IT's a small town and a lot of people are avoiding the subject. Not sure that's what I'd want.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 05/04/2011 15:27

She may not want to have a coffee with you but I am sure she appreciates you talking to her.
Allowing her to talk about her GD now and in the future when people forget is important. Letting her talk without looking all alarmed and worried that she might get upset.

I have a very dear friend whom I think is fantastic, however if I ever talk about my DD and so much as catch my breath she says 'oh no dont get upset, dont cry oh no' and that has the effect of shutting me right up. Mind you at least she will happily talk about DD with me if I am not upset which is more than a lot of people.

For your friend, the fact that her GD took her own life will mean that a lot of people will just not go anywhere near the subject - ever. Can you imagine never being 'allowed' to talk about your child/grandchild every again. Or when you do people look away or embarrassed.

If you do neither of those things you will be helping. And if you can remember special dates i.e. birthdays and anniversaries you will always be a special person to her.

Leverkusen · 05/04/2011 15:43

Lucky- my DP's mum died when he was 25. He adored her, they were very, very close and she was a marvellous lady. My friend said to me 'well I suppose he wasn't that close to her anymore because he is 25, so it's not that bad'. As if losing your mum is easier when you're 25 fgs!

However I did a terrible, terrible one. DP's dad turned to me the week after she died and said 'today was our 40th wedding anniversary'

and I said

'congratulations'

Honestly I wanted the ground to swallow me up. What a dreadful thing to say, it just came out.

LuckyWeKeptTheCot · 05/04/2011 21:17

I know what you mean. Also my dad died when I was 25 and I had almost the same comment from someone - 'oh well, it's not as if you see him every day'. Actually I nursed him at home and did see him every day - luckily. But blimey!

MrsDeVere - thanks - I have had 13 close bereavements and almost lost my daughter - she is fine but have bad memories close with the huge relief ones. People find it hard to know what to say after so much and I won't lay all that on her but I know what it's like for people to steer clear. Also for everyone to forget when the dust has settled that your grief goes on. I think what's the point of all that sadness if you can't offer some time to someone else. I know a lot of people won;t talk to her and as time goes on she might just want to say something. I guess having bad things happen can have something positive come from it if you can cross the road and help. Not religious but you know what I mean.