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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

daft comments said by others during bereavement period

104 replies

earth1984 · 28/03/2011 21:41

Just buried mum today. Was really strong throughout day. Upon returning home I gound tears trickling down whilst on computer. Dh noticed tears and said "What have you been watching?
Sure there are lots more like this.

OP posts:

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 28/03/2011 21:43

I don't have any to add but so sorry about your mum. xxx

StealthPolarBear · 28/03/2011 21:45

so so sorry :(

RiojaLover75 · 28/03/2011 21:45

When a colleague of mine returned to work after the death of his dear father we went out for breakfast and I asked him if he still wanted his toast cremated .

He was very good and didn't say anything, I however was mortified as his father had been cremated a few days prior to that conversation

StealthPolarBear · 28/03/2011 21:46

oh and in answer to your OP- pretty much anything that comes out of my mouth when I meet someone bereaved.
Did your DH not go with you to the funeral anyway?

Original poster

earth1984 · 28/03/2011 21:48

Yes he was great during day.

OP posts:

RiojaLover75 · 28/03/2011 21:49

Well done on surviving the day Earth, so sorry for your loss

barbarianoftheuniverse · 28/03/2011 21:55

I'm sorry about your mum, too.
The day of dad's funeral I drove home dripping tears and was told a bit stroppily by teenage nephew, 'It's after the funeral now!'

Which actually would have made dad laugh.

But I didn't react very well.

BarkingHarriet · 28/03/2011 22:02

Hi Earth, my sister and I have had a similar conversation about this as we "lost" Dad two weeks ago (we haven't lost him, we know exactly where he is, in the funeral home)

People keep saying "I'm so so sorry" and we feel like saying "why? Was it your fault", or "I don't know what to say (wail wail) I don't know what to say" ("well shut up and don't say anything then")

I know it's just people's way of dealing with it, but it seems particularly odd to us. Especially when we lost Mum in the supermarket, then laughed hysterically that we'd lost Mum but not lost her, we just didn't know where she was.

Thinking of you x

BarkingHarriet · 28/03/2011 22:05

Sorry polar that wasn't meant to be a sarcastic reference to your comment

StealthPolarBear · 28/03/2011 22:06

see :)
I only open my mouth to insert the other foot

TigerFeet · 28/03/2011 22:08

I was 18 when my dad died and after the funeral me and my mate went to the local park to smoke loads of fags get some air. We were harangued by a load of local idiots about how goths weren't supposed to be out during the day... to be fair to them (ish) they weren't to know that we were in black because we'd just been to a funeral and that normally we'd be all grungy and hippyish in cheesecloth and flowery skirts.... but still.

So sorry to hear of your loss. People do say mad things but try not to read anything into it, they're usually trying to think of something to say and failing to find anything constructive.

seb1 · 28/03/2011 22:08

When my mum died, MIL was staying afterwards and my DDs were really struggling with everything and MIL suggested they go and watch "that TV program they like", Ghost Whisperer.

TigerFeet · 28/03/2011 22:11

me too stealth it would seem!

BarkingHarriet · 28/03/2011 22:27

Sorry

dyzzidi · 28/03/2011 22:34

When I had my miscarriage Some well meaning neighour bought me a beautiful plant. Cue DH saying god knows why they have bought you a plant you cant keep anything alive!

I have to add Dh was on the other side of the world when i MC and flew overnight to be with me for the D & C and had been utterly amazing throughout the whole experience.

The same comment the week before would have been fine but oh my god he was upset when he said it.

I just laughed as I knew what he meant and as my mum was there I think if I had gotten upse she woud have given him the dressing down of his life.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss x

Heifer · 28/03/2011 22:36

My 12yr old nephew stated to me as we were walking towards my mums grave that I was an orphan now...

Friend of my mums stated back at our house after the funeral, "that organic food didn't do her any good did it" (she had died of Bowel Cancer)...

Some people just don't think before they speak, or at least wait until after the funeral before making such crass comments.

TigerFeet · 28/03/2011 22:40

No need to apologise BarkingHarriet - it is an odd thing to say isn't it? A perfect example of what this thread is about.

StealthPolarBear · 28/03/2011 22:41

yes
and I genuinely do not know what to say to people who have been bereaved but I guess there's no stock answer, would would comfort one person would irritate another.

Pancakeflipper · 28/03/2011 22:45

The day of the funeral of a very sweet neighbour, their nextdoor neighbours who didn't go to the service did appear afterwards to eat the egg sandwiches and sausage rolls that his wife prepared and have a nip of scotch. Then asked her if she'd sell her home to them so they could have more land. She frogmarched them out of her home to around of applause from everyone else.

StealthPolarBear · 28/03/2011 22:45

TheJollyPirate · 28/03/2011 22:46

Sorry to hear about your Mum earth .

People don't always think before they speak.

When my beloved Nan died in 1996 at the age of 92 (which is a fab age I know), the number of times I heard "oh well it was a good age". I used to think "I don't give a shit if it;s a good age - it's my nan, I loved her to bits and she's just died so her being a good age doesn't matter to me"

thefirstMrsDeVere · 28/03/2011 22:58

Sorry about your mum Earth.

I met someone in the supermarket about two weeks after DD died. She said 'are you feeling better now?'

I got a kitten a few months later and the person selling it to me said 'oh you could name it 'DD's name'

I was in a shop and saw DD's friend's mum. I said hello and she said something like 'I was just going to leave before you saw me' I asked her why and she said 'well its just easier isnt it?' She then went on to tell me how wonderful her dd was because she wrote a poem about my DD. I felt like telling her that my DD never liked her DD much.

The one I hate most is 'she is in a better place now'. Fuck off is she.

There are more but I have had nearly five years of it. More people are lovely than are stupid though.

JaneS · 28/03/2011 23:00

All sympathy, earth.

I have one that is a bit bad, but does make me smile. My granny was a very sharp-tongued old lady, who was still working part-time at 84. I was ringing round people to let them know she'd died and one of the ladies at her church launched into what was obviously her stock platitudes 'Oh, she was so lovely, such a sweet ..... [awkward silence] .... erm .... well, not sweet really ....not sweet at all...'

She sort of gulped for a while and realized she'd been horribly over-honest. But I liked it because I could just imagine my granny's face if anyone had called her 'sweet' and she would not have been impressed!

When my lovely cousin died of a very sudden heart attack, my university tutor responded to me telling him I was taking a day off for her funeral with 'Do you have to go? You do have an essay due in'.

madmouse · 28/03/2011 23:19

The day after an early mc I dragged myself into work as I was worried that sitting at home would make it worse. Then a colleague announced her pregnancy and I struggled and could not concentrate. Decided to tell my boss, forgetting her people skills can be erm, interesting.

She said I should go to the doctor I said no thanks my body is doing what it's doing and it will sort itself out.

She then said go home and rest and I said no thanks I'd rather work as well as I can

she then said well then go home and make another baby

I know her well and kinda laughed as this is typical. Did tell her the next day never to make that stupid comment to anyone else - ever

shmoz · 28/03/2011 23:37

After my uncle's funeral SIL and I were talking amidst the throng outside the crematorium, we were stood near the funeral cars and one of the undertakers (or someone in a suit anyway) made a motion to open the car door for us...so we got in thinking 'oh I guess it must be time we were going then'...and then sat in the back of the car for at least 30 mins while everyone else shared their condolences....whilst we sat there nonchalantly trying to be INVISIBLE whilst trying not to giggle (unsuccessfully) at our huge faux pas.

When my brother finally joined us (after what felt like years) in the back of the car, he asked us sotto voice what the fuck did we think we were playing at?

Oops

Sorry about your mum Earth

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