anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

donotunderstand you saying about the phone has made me think of what i have done.I had a new phone for xmas and i still put my mums number ,photo and ring tone back in.I know it will never ring but i wanted it to be there.I also have my mums mobile here which i bought home the day she was admitted to hospital.One day i am going to go through it and any messages she sent me which are still in her archives i am going to send them to my phone so i can keep them.If only i had known what was round the corner i would have kept them in the first place.I also understand what you are saying about your last images,it must be awful.I am lucky in that respect as i last saw mum sitting up in her bed ,as normal as could be chatting to my sister. Mum was not expected to die and it was a terrible terrible shock the next morning.I do hope you are able to get some proffessional help if you cannot deal with your awful last times you spent with your mum.I have sorted out all the cards mum had saved and am going to give them to my respective siblings who sent them.One of mine says " to my mummy " and thats exactly how i feel .Like a little child who has lost her mummy.But i am an adult who has adult children of my own.

I so understand, I really do...

I too watched Dad suffer until I watched him take his last breath and visited him in his beautiful willow casket...I hold dear though, those moments because I know that he appreciated that I was there and that I love and cared for him (and Mum) to be with him and I'm absolutely sure your Mums feel the same.

I put Dads mobile number into my new phone too! and my MILs...it seems wrong to omit them somehow...
I still have two messages that Dad left on my home answer phone and I dread losing them. He's talking to me and occasionally, I just need to hear him talk to me again. He was never comfortable or easy talking to an machine, so I appreciate them all the more. Now I'm crying!!

One thing I will say ladies, is that the pain doesn't go, it just becomes a little easier in the main, but sometimes, it just creeps up on you when you least expect it.

Donot - my last memories of my mum were of her gasping for breath with big scared eyes before she was sedated, and my head was full of these images immediately after she died, and for a few weeks after. I was so traumatised I started a thread on here about it. It's now been three months and when I remember her now, I remember her when she was well, and those awful images have faded away, as they will for you.

It's my mum's birthday today, so to her and all of you who are grieving.

solo i am glad i am not alone with the phone thing.I expect everyone else would think i was mad ,but like you i just could not leave her off my list of contacts. This morning i have been round mums and the charity people came and took lots of things they can sell in their shop.I felt ok with them going but dont think i will feel the same when her furniture has to go.needless to say i then came home with yet more stuff to sort out.So now the bedrooms are clear ,the lounge and the bathroom,just the rest of the kitchen to go.Then we have to start on the garden sheds.I am going to dig up a couple of mums plants and plant them in my garden,mum was a really keen gardener and loved all her plants so i cant leave them all there.
thefarside i hope today is not too bad for you as its your mums birthday,i expect you are remembering last years,i know thats what i wil be doing when it comes around to April and my mums birthday.So many sad anniversaries to get through for all of us.

Thanks farside, i don't know anyone else who has been through what we have so it really helps to hear your experiences. Must be so hard it being her birthday, my thoughts are with you x

So glad I haven't (quite) missed your Mums birthday TheFarSide so to your dear Mum :) and to you all :)

I just remembered something really special mummylin. I recall visiting Mum and Dad before he took to his bed for good and when I got home, Dad was on his computer and I signed in to be greeted with 'What's up darling?' or something along those lines. Dad always did that even though I'd just spent hours with them and tbh, sometimes it would irritate me as all I wanted to do was read my mail and go to bed...oh, how I wish he'd do it again now...
Well, one day after Dad had died, I signed into his MSN account and up popped our last conversation! you should've seen my face; it was all :) and :( it seems that I had closed down my MSN and Dad had sent a further sentence so it didn't end iyswim...Well, of course, I printed it off and kept it. God, i miss him so much.

Thanks solo

Hi everyone,

Sorry to do this but I really need to hare what a terrible day I am having with people who have some idea how I am feeling.

Woke up feeling not to bad, got a five hour stretch of sleep which helped and was looking forward to attending a baby massage class run by my friend. This class was my opportunity to do something nice with dd2 and some relaxation for me at the end. All was okay when I got there but near the end one of the songs used was my bonnie lies over the ocean. For some reason I just couldn't stop crying and was sat there in a room full of people feeling like a complete wreck. I tried to focus on dd2 but all I could think when I looked at her was 'my mum will never get to meet you'. Just about got myself together when we started discussing our babies births and everyone had these lovely floaty home birth stories while I sat there remembering how horrible things were after dd2's birth and how I missed out on a good birth as well.

Feel like the rug has been pulled out form under me today and I can't manage anything. I have tried to do a 'normal' thing and just couldn't cope with being in a group of people. The only place I feel safe right now is in my house or at one friends house. I have never ever felt so sad and lonely and just want to talk to my mum about it. As I'm typing this I can hardly see the keys through my tears. I really can't imagine a time when things will ever feel any better.

donotunderstand i really fee for you having such a horrible time.It must be so painful for you.You wonder how the world can go on around you as normal when you yourself are feeling so sad.I quite understand how the birth of your baby is all mixed in with the death of your mum.But your mum did know that the baby was going to be born and i can imagine she was very happy to hear this news.Picture your mums face as you told her the new little one was on the way and try and focus on that day if it helps.I dont know how my sister will be when her twins are born 3 weeks today [ planned c section] but the night before mum died she had put her hand on my sisters tummy and felt them move ,so my sister is clinging to that for now.Your emotions must be all over the place ,the sadness of your mum passing ,but on the other side the happiness of the new arrival.Hopefully in the future the happiness will take over from the grief you are feeling now.I myself have felt tearful today but so far i have kept the tears at bay.Some friends of mine are having one of mums wardrobes and we went to mums to measure it to see if it will fit in their car.That upset me that someone will be taking her furniture,but i realise it all has to go.Also i looked out of her windows and there are all the wallflowers i gave her,all neatly planted ready to flower in the spring.I felt so sad that she won see the fruits of her labour.This is almost unbearable isnt it.

Sorry to hear about your bad day donut. My mum died in October last year and I gave myself the rest of the year off ie no socialising, just holed up at home hiding away from the world. I am just re-emerging from this hibernation, but I wasn't able to face everyday life and other people for a good while.

It's very sad that your mum's death has overshadowed the birth and early days of your dd2. I have no wise words to offer as I don't have children but I'm guessing these very intense emotions will become less frequent as time passes.

TheFarSide As you know my mum also died in October,but as i read your post about being last year it sort of gave me a shock.Last year sounds so long ago ,but for me its not even 12 weeks yet.I think you are a couple of weeks ahead of me.I can get through the days ok but my mind races all over it again whenever i have 5 minutes to myself to think and then i get this horrible sick feeling in my stomach.Some days i am still in disbelief its happened at all,then i remember ................Its all so sad.

Yes, mummylin, it's still not that long ago, is it? Most of the time I'm fine but I can go from fine to highly distressed in one second.

mummylin you are right seeing things such as flowers they have planted is unbearable. My Mum had bagged up all the seeds she collected last year ready to plant and my dad is finding it impossible to look at them. I am going to sort out her clothes in a couple of weeks and am guessing it's going to be really hard.

farside thanks for your post, I do need to allow myself days when i don't have to go out but it's hard with a toddler. People say it gets easier with time but I'm guessing it's a long time as I have mentioned before I feel it's getting harder as I miss her more every day.

I did read both your posts yesterday but didn't feel up to writing but would like to thank you both as your words really helped. Today has been a better day but I have to remember it's one day at a time.

I don't know how anyone else feels but my dad described feeling as though he has a constant weight at the back of his mind and there is never any let up form it. I guess that's where the tears when we get five minutes to ourselves come from.

I have a screaming baby and hungry husband to get back to so had better go, am thinking of you all x

donotunderstand i just could not of faced sorting out my mums clothes and my aunt[ mums sister ] offered to do it for me which was a great help.The only thing is by mistake she had missed a cupboard so it was upsetting to see mums clothes still hanging there.Is there anyone that could do it for you ? or at least give you a hand.thefarside I have not shed tears for a few days ,but i feel so heavy hearted all the time. feel like i will never be happy again and i hate this feeling.Everyone around you seems to think that because a few weeks have now passed and i am not in constant tears that i am now " back to normal " And what upsets me more than anything who when they are told my mum has died then dont even mention it in the conversation.Its as though my mum didnt exist or not important.I hate that.Even my next door neighbour who has been a single parent for the last twenty years and knew my mum well didnt even bother to say " sorry about your mum " and she had knitted for his daughter when he had no money etc. So that hurts and i have not spoken to him since.Wrong maybe but he has hurt me and i feel he has disrespected my mum.

My sister is going to help me with the clothes thank goodness as couldn't do it alone. Peoples reactions are strange, i have some close friends who haven't even mentioned my mum and i think it's because they don't know what to say or can't think about the same thing happening to them. There were lots of people at the funeral who couldn't speak to my sister or i as they were so upset about my mums passing and at our loosing her.
No one has any idea how you feel or what to say unless they have been there.

Was just thinking most people who have been there understand apart from my mother in law who keeps telling me exactly how i am feeling and that i will get over it because she did, know she means well but we didn't have a great relationship before any of this!

Grieving must be hard if you have to keep going for others, especially if you've got kids. I am 'lucky' in that I have had a lot of time to myself, and have been able to do a lot of reading about bereavement and dying, and generally wallow. I suppose it's going to take longer to come to terms with a bereavement if you have to keep putting your grief on hold to deal with everyday life.

This is one time, though, when I feel sad that I don't have children, so my mum won't live on in my offspring. I am the end of the line!

I am lucky in that I did have children and so have all my siblings so mum is here in a lot of us.Today has been odd.We have all recieved a cheque from the money mum had in her bank.It is more than i have ever had in my life ,but there is no pleasure in it at all.I dont even want to spend it or buy myself a single thing. I just want my mum.It has upset me a great deal.I know my mum always wanted to leave us all something but to actually recieve it is so upsetting.I cant imagine how i will feel when we have sold the house too.

Yes, when I took some of my mum's jewellery and scarves I felt that I was stealing them, and at the moment they are all in a shoe box on the top of the wardrobe. I'm not quite ready to wear them yet.

I KNOW she wanted me to have her things, as your mum wants you to have her money and enjoy yourself. I guess it's just too soon for both of us.

My mum worked and saved so hard to be able to leave us something and i think that will stop me from spending it stupidly.I cant just throw away all that she worked for.My siblings dont seem to be having the same problem , but maybe i feel differently because i have not been really able to move forward because of having to see to everything [ along with one brother] and my house is full of mums things at the moment,whereas the others have had some time to grieve without being surrounded by mums personal things.i have been going through a case of mums papers today and i found her old autograph book from her school days !!!,also an old ration book.Of course these now become my treasures. You will wear your mums scarf when you feel ready to. I am actually using my mums purse.

I still haven't managed to go through mum's things. It's more a lack of time than anything. Whenever we're at dad's we have the children to manage. Dad us ok but still a bit frail and we have to limit the time dd spends harassing him.

Dad us however planning on varying mum's will so we will get some cash in the coming months. It will give us enough to redo the kitchen which mum would have been pleased about. She and I had talked about some if our early designs and plans so I know she would be thrilled. It would be weird spending it on something we hadn't involved her in though.

I had a wobble today. Following an incident with dd today (she'd been tantruming and had been put down for a nap but was still shouting inarticulately so we didn't know she actually needed the loo) I remembered doing the same thing as a child, a little older but defiantly weeing on the bedroom carpet because mum wouldn't let me out if the room until I'd calmed down a bit (she was in there with me).

I realised that I am now the only person who remembers my childhood. There is nobody to corroborate any of it. It all feels a bit like a work of fiction that I imagined. I'm not sure I like it. It feels surreal and very ungrounded.

Anyone else have this?

I havent had that experience,maybe there are photos from your childhood that will bring memories to someone else about you.I too had a wobble today ,i normally have students for about 8 months of the year ,but today i phoned and said i would not be having them this year at all owing to mums death and the fact that my dh is going into hospital on 9th feb to have a new hip.he will then be home for 12 weeks ,so i dont want to have anyone here then or after. They asked me what was wrong with mum and i explained it all and ended up with tears rolling down my face.My sister was sad yesterday ,her first birthday without a card from mum and i will be going through the same thing in a couple of weeks.But i am lucky i have several cards from the past mum has sent me so i am going to put one of those up !!! We have had the quote from the headstone people but we havent actually decided what we want inscripted yet.Im not sure how i am going to feel when my sister has her twins ,elated for her or sad that my mum has misssed them by just a few weeks.A bit of both i expect,it will be a bittersweet day.Only 2 and a half weeks to go now.

Golemmings - I have had that sense that one of the people who knew me best has gone. I still have my dad, but when he goes that whole part of my early life goes with him. It's a strange feeling, sad but OK in that it has given me a real sense that everything must come to an end, a feeling of the inevitability of death, if that makes sense. It has made me more philosophical and accepting. It has definitely made me think we all need to live more for the moment.

A quick post as its late .i just wanted to say that i hope you have all had a bit better day today.I myself seem to be having a strange time and its really sinking in that my mum has gone. I seem to of been living in a very odd haze for the last 12 weeks,i have done what had to be done re solicitors,undertakers ect, and a lot of the things i had to do, along with my brother i have forgotten about already,its as though it hasnt been real.Its a very strange feeling.

Today i have been at my mums to finish clearing out some cupboards.It broke my heart to be throwing some of her things away.But i cannot keep anymore here and we all have saucepans ect.It is now beginning to feel like a house and not a home anymore as it is gradually being emptied.My mum made it home.It is all still very painful to think about and somedays i expect her to suddenly return.hen the reality kicks in again.Hope you are all managing to cope as best you can.