anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

For me ,its six weeks ago that i lost my mum and every weekend since she died i have been reliving that awful sunday when she died and also on the sat eve when i kissed her goodbye and she was happily sitting up in her hospital bed. It makes me so sad that i didnt know it would be for the last time.as her death was completly unexpected.Now i am feeling guilty because i have put my xmas tree up,wondering if mum would think already i have moved on.I know its illogical and my mum would want all of us to carry on and enjoy this festive time ,but i cant.I am still in shock and cant really believe she isnt here,although i know she isnt. I hope someone can make sense of that last bit.Now i have made myself cry so will leave my post at that for now.

Sexonlegs I am so sorry i am so full of my own unhappiness i forgot to say how sorry i am that you are having to face up to your loss on xmas day.Im sure it will be very very sad for you all,but try and smile and think of the happier times you spent with your mum.I hope you will have others around to support you and give you a little lift.I actually intend to put up last years card i recieved from my mum,which i think will help me a bit.Thinking of you and everyone who is grieving at this time.

Hello everyone, I'm so glad I've found this thread, although so sad to see so many people have lost parents recently too. My Dad died on 22nd November, suddenly, and I feel so sad that he's gone. I feel numb, normal, sad, regretful in random measure and at random times. I think overall I'm so sad that my DS (4) and DD (1) only knew him for such a short time and that they won't have a wonderful grandad as they grow up. I'm also sad for me too, that I've lost both parents now, and that wonderful thing they provided of complete loyalty and support no matter what. And that my Dad, although he had some health problems, was enjoying life and doing ok - all those lovely things he won't see his grandchildren do. Just so sad.

I'm supposed to be working today - it's my first day back. I'm working from home. Well, I made it to about 11 without sobbing... not bad!

Anyway, although I'm sorry you're all here... but thank you for posting and sharing and making me feel a bit more normal.

Anna

hello ladies, sorry i have been away from our thread too. yesterday it was 12 years since my Dad died and i managed OK considering.

my parents would have made the best grandparents ever

i have been waiting for an MRI scan and the date i have is next tuesday which was my Dads funeral .... i need the scan but am saddened at the timing.

so sorry to see new people here, and hope you can find support from us. thinking of you all

NoPinkPlease i am so sorry that you are now on this thread.I am 3 weeks ahead of you and i do get complete days when i feel relatively "normal" Its the days when the grief suddenly overwhelms me that i cant cope with at the moment.Today i have bought some little reindeer that have a small plant and xmas tree in which i am going to take to the cemetery,one for my sister and a matching one for my mum.I have not been to the cemetery since my mums ashes were buried,i cant face it at all but i know i have to go soon.I am scared of there just being a pile of dirt on the grave and no grass yet.maybe they will of done that already.We have to wait a while before we can have a headstone as i belive the earth needs to settle first.Hopefully we will all have moments over xmas when something our loved ones have done will make us smile.
aristocat I bet the past twelve years seem like yesterday to you at the moment.I hope your scan goes well , maybe the day for it is special because your dad will be looking out for you.Take care all

Sorry to hear about your dad NoPink and welcome (if that is the word) to the thread.

Hi to everyone else.

There was an article in the Guardian recently about becoming an adult orphan which I found quite helpful (although in my case I am lucky because I still have my dad):-

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/dec/10/parents-death-bereavement-eleni-kyriacou?INTCMP=SRCH

TheFarSide OMG that article is me all over.

i thought this ...... A piece of your life jigsaw has been removed and, however much you rearrange the other pieces, they never quite fit in the same way again ...... was especially good and the words about being the only tree left in the forest
thank you so much

and thanks mummylin i shall think that my Dad will be looking after me next week, what a beautiful way to see good in an awful day.

Hello :)

Mummylin, please don't apologise; you have a lot going on. My Dad will be with us for Christmas, and I still have the christmas card from last year from Mum and Dad (although it is Dad's handwriting) and use it as my bookmark. I do have a shopping list in my mum's handwriting from God knows when, and I shall keep it for ever.

Nopink, I am sorry to see you on this thread too; but welcome to a safe haven where everyone knows what you are going through.

I shall look at that article; although I too am lucky to have my Dad still.

Off to bed. x

I am very lucky in that i will have lots of my mums writing as i will have all her diaries from 1952 to keep and read.I have no idea where i will store them all ,but there is no way i am going to throw them out.I also have a text message on my phone which i will will never delete.And i cant take my mums number off my phone either.I still have her clothes she had on in hospital the day before she died and in my handbag i have her comb.I know this will be a hard xmas for everyone but with the help of our families around us we can get through that 24 hours.For the first time i do not have to cook as my son and his wife are doing it all,so that will be lovely.
On a different subject ,tonight i am going to see status quo with my friends dh !!! We have been waiting for the past 6 or 7 months for the show to come around.I have not yet managed to put any xmas decs up apart from my tree,but i will.And as i have already said my last years card from mum is going to be up too.I am still going to buy her a special mum card and i intend to laminate it and take it to her at the cemetery.I think she is watching me to make sure that i see to my sisters and her own graves.They are next to each other and one day dh and i will be in the same place too.So one day i will be reunited with my dear mum.How do you carry on when your heart is broken ??

Christmas shopping is a pain. I have seen a few things and thought 'I'll get that for mum... Oh!'. She died 4.5 years ago, and she did love a good Christmas.

And i forgot ,when i went to see mum in the chapelof rest i cut off one of her curls.I then put this in my gold locket.But the thing is i am now terrified i will lose it so have stopped wearing it ! My dh said get another locket and seperate the curl into two so that if i lost one i would still have the other ,but im not keen on doing this.I want the curl all in one bit.

My sister and brother went to see mum. As they sme out DB said to DS 'she looked really terrible didn't she?' (she had been poorly). The receptionist piped up 'aye, well she is deed!'. Awfully dark humour in our family.

Oh dear god mummylin, yours sister too? You are so brave to be coping with so much, and being able to discuss it here in the open.

Have you other family around?

wahwahwah My sister died 22 years ago aged 26.But she died on 2nd of Nov and my mums death was on the 30th Oct.so only a few days apart. So that week was hard as i had to take flowers to my sisters grave only 3 days after my mum died ,but i still took her some and signed them from my mum as she had been worried about not being able to go there if she was in hospital.

I can't imagine losing someone that young - it is very sad to lose an elderly parent but someone so young, it is truly tragic. Your poor mother too. I can't start to understand how she must have felt. I am sure she was a strength to you. It just doesn't seem right, does it?

wahwahwah - thanks for making me laugh about your visit to the chapel of rest. I must have the same dark humour.

I remember sitting with my brother and sisters the night before dads funeral having a 'who got the worst funeral story'.

We stopped when mum came in, in case we upset her, but she won anyway! We thought my BIL had it with his grandma sewing the silk lining in the coffin of her husband as it was torn - when the body was in it, but mum had to come in with her aunt who jumped into the grave on top of the coffin. However, an uncle almost toppled into dads grave (accidentally).

One of the saddest things about my mum's recent death is that my dad seems to have lost his legendary sense of humour. He's positive and cheerful enough (putting on a brave face) but we're not laughing like we used to. I guess he'll get it back in time.

He will. It takes time. Our family is just a bit odd.

We are very luckyin that my sister who died daughter [ she ws 2 yrs when her mum died ] got married this year in august and my mum had been living for that day.Luckily she was here for it.yes it was very hard for my mum especially as she was the "baby" of the family. I am the eldest of six and so have always been looked at as the strongest one,even though i dont think its true.In fact i met one of my cousins yeserday and she said the very same thing to me " oh you will cope with it all cause your so strong " And i have also been asked if i am over my mums death now.since my mums death other family issues have happened and to be honest if my mum were here she would be very very upset by it,so im glad she has been spared that.However i am very angry with one of my boy cousins and my sis in law who have hurt my brother so much.I will leave it to your imagination to work it out as its not a thread for that.Also another brother has been made redundant since mum died.The family is going to pot.But my siblings and i all have each other and yes i will have to keep them all going !

thefarside there have been a couple of times when i have actually been able to laugh ,then i straight away feel so guilty about it.How can i be laughing when my poor mum is not here to laugh with me.Oh it is such a mixture of emotions isnt it.

And you will be seen as 'matriarch' to the whole family. Your mum would be so proud of you! You sound strong, even of you don't always think that you are.

Hats off to you mummylin!

Mum always liked a good laugh and god, she had a terrible laugh. It could scare crows! It is a jumble of sadness and hope, really.

being "strong " brings its own problems ,when my sister died i di have to be strong s my mum stayed her for ten weks afterwards.all the famly gathered here and i just could not be seen to break down in front of them all ,especially my mum ,but ten months later i had to have many weeks off work and was put on ads for a few weeks.that is what i am afraid of now.But i have shed lots of tears in the last 6 weeks and hopefully i will be ok this time.The upside is i do know that in time although i will never get over my mums death [ or my sisters ] i know that in time things do improve and i will be able to look back and remember mum without crying ,but for now its only 6 weeks so very early days yet.I have gone to phone her many times to tell her or ask her something.It just does not seem possible at the moment she isnt here.My 3 brothers have all been so kind to me during this time ,as they knew i would feel it the most,my other sister does not live in this town where we all are and does at least have her new babies to look forward to in Feb.She would love to be here with us all but its just not possible at the moment for her and her dh.Maybe one day.I have made a lovely album of the sympathy cards i recieved along with the little cards that were with the flowers,i have some of the flowers in a press so will add them too along with some photos of mums flowers and of mum herself.

Try not to let it become an all consuming sadness. Thats what mum eventually did and I am convinced it shortened her life. You have been through deep mourning before and know that you can get through this. I am not surprised that you were on abs. One sister and my brother were after mum died and i was a bit of a basket case. As I said, the death of someone so very young is tragic, really really tragic. Your mums death is also deeply sad, but take comfort in the fact that she was with you for all these years, and saw her grandchildren. How would she feel - what would she say to you now if she saw you wobble? She knows how strong you are.

Look out for her. I find that weird things happen on specific days (mums death or birthday) just things coming out of the blue. Usually odd things but then, mum was quite eccentric.