anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

Thanks guys. Still here; still hanging on. Just had a conversation with dad about end of life care. Mum wants to go into a hospice but there's no guarantee that they have any beds. I have also persuaded dad that he can't care for her alone at home. I know he has cared for her for the last few years but that was under mum's guidance. She is too out of it now to remind him what she needs in terms of medication etc and he is too upset and distracted to manage himself let alone her.

I got to see her yesterday by juggling children. They are not allowed on the ward and DS is only 5 weeks and bf so I can't leave him for long. One of her reasons for wanting hospice care is so she can see her dgc but I'm not sure today that she is lucid enough to know them.

The watching and waiting is so hard and dd(2)'s questions are both breaking my heart and keeping me sane. "where's granny? Is she coming home today? Is she in a proper hospital? Can I phone granny? Has she stopped cooking? Do doctors make you cry?" the last one really broke me. Until DS was born she didn't know about hospitals but he had a difficult delivery, spent time on nnu and I have just got my head around (and stopped crying about) the birth I wanted and didn't get and DS's diagnosis of mild brain damage.

God this is hard. Dad and I have never communicated well and when things were hard we used to talk through mum as an intermediary. I think the next few days will bring the hardest conversations of my life. DH is leaving on Tuesday to let dd do her normal 3 days at nursery. We live 1.5 hours away. She is going stir crazy with the high levels of emotion here and needs to get back to normality.

Sorry. Just needed to rant. DH is already reduced to wearing one of his large collection of placid faces which means there is no point having this conversation with him again.

please say a little prayer for my mum whose ashes will be interred this afternoon.

Bless your mum, and you Mummylin. Sorry for your loss. I lost my mum a year ago this week and was just thinking of the days after she died and telling people and the funeral. I won't give you any crass words of 'comfort' just a little squeeze of your hand.

Golemmings: I can so relate to your post, although I don't have a newborn - my sister had a newborn this time last year when my mum was dying. The hospital were great and let us bend the rules to bring the kids in, as they knew she didn't have long. Have you tried asking them if they can make an exception? Gosh, I don't know how you keep it together coping with a newborn and all the hormones and emotional demands of children. I find it hard enough when my DD keeps wanting to read a bloody Harry and the dinosaurs story where Harry's nan goes into hospital but recovers.

And yes, my relationship with my father was also strained, which made it incredibly painful to have to be around each other and make those kind of decisions. Good luck with your conversations.

Thanks flim. I was reluctant to take the children in since its a respiratory ward and its full of pretty nasty bugs but its a moot point now; she died at lunchtime. At least her suffering wasn't too prolonged and her last smiles were in response to conversations about her grand daughter.

Oh Lemmings, I am so incredibly sorry to hear your news :(

I don't know what to say.

golemmings i offer you my deepest sympathy and wish you strenghth in the following days.

We have laid my mum finally to rest beside my sister.It was a very short little service by the graveside.I still cant belive its all happened as it was so unexpected.

" Mum i will miss you dearly, R I P "

golemmings i am so sorry

Today i am struggling.It is exactly 3 weeks ago since i saw my mum alive and i am reliving every part of that day. To everyone else in the same position,i send my sympathies.

I have had a bad week as I have been sorting out 'Christmas' stuff for the charity shop and I found labels written to my dad from my children last year and his place setting from last Christmas' lunch! Add to the mix I have been feeling really poorly = feeling very down :(

You have my utmost sympathy t0lk13n Today my brother and i are going to attempt to start going through mums things.I am dreading it ,but it has to be done at sometime.The past week has been a mixture really,some days no tears but others in floods of tears.Today i think will be tearful.Ihave this awful ache in my heart.Thinking of all of you who are in such awful grief.

I dont even want to think about mum doing that yet. I am now going through denial in a way as I cant believe he is dead even though it is 4 months now. Thank you for taking the time to reply mummylin even though you are going through hell xxxx

well we went there and only stayed 2 hours.but my aunt and cousin turned up and gave us a hand,They actually sorted out the wardrobes. At least we have now made a start.I have never seen so much wool in anyones house as my mums,i cannot keep it all but will obviously keep some ,the rest can go to a hospice shop [ naomi house hospice for terminally ill children ]My mum has knitted since she was 6yrs old and she was the family knitter for everyone.I can knit and crochet but not as well as my mum by any means.She loved her wool.Also found 2 little baby coats ,one finished and one not which were obviously for my sister who is expecting twin babies.I will try and finish it for her.This is all so bloody sad.

xxxxxxxxxxxxmummylin xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mummylin - I found going through my mum's stuff really hard - throwing away very personal stuff like knickers and lipsticks. Part of me was thinking strange things like "I should keep one bra because she might need it". I live two hours' drive from my parents' house, so I did some clearing out just after she died and probably won't be doing any more until I am home at Christmas. I'm not looking forward to it. I brought some of her scarves and jewellery back to London with me but I've put it all in a box on top of the wardrobe as I don't feel ready to have her things around my house yet. At the moment, I find myself feeling terribly sorry for my poor old dad - I am away from all the reminders, but he's not getting much respite from it. I phone him every day and he's putting on a brave face but I know he's in pain.

My commiserations to everyone else who's posted recently (and not so recently) and who's going through this. I have found it really helpful to know you are all there, and that I am not alone.

The clearance thing is so hard isn't it? I know dad is keen to deal with mum's clothes etc. I was supposed to make a start on it today but I haven't. I've looked in the wardrobe, picked a few things I want to keep but I'm not sure I can face bagging it all up for the charity shop or worse the bin. Mind you, he can't get dressed in the morning without opening a cupboard full of reminders so I can see why he wants it done.

This trip down he has given me her posh cookbook of family recipes and the cook book she wrote when they first married which I'm very pleased to have.

I mostly don't believe she's gone but I'm dreading the burial and memorial service tomorrow. I'm terrified it might all suddenly become real and I lose it completely. I'm slightly more comfortable about the burial since that will only be family and close friends but the memorial could be huge and I'm sure there will be loads of people there that I won't know and I have to speak and both my children will be there and I have to be strong for dd. I'm not so worried about the effect on DS since he's so young. I can cry buckets over him and as long as he's held tightly and feels loved he'll be fine.

I just want tomorrow to be over.

golemmings sending you strength to cope with tomorrow.It is a truly sad time.
TheFarSide It was sad to cope with seeing my mums clothes piled up ready to be taken to the charity shop and i had to walk out of the bedroom or i would of lost it completely.I have started clearing the kitchen and i have to say i found it hard not to keep everything !! but i do have a box of things which i just cant throw out and will be bringing home eventually.I also found a comb in one of her bags which i also have to keep ! maybe one day i can throw some of it away but for now i am keeping things.I also will have mums diaries which she has written in since 1952 ! My son said it will be like reading a book of her life.There are certain things which my sister and i will have to keep so that eventually they are passed down to our daughters.I know there were particular things mum did not want to go from her side of the family. I think i may have to have another room built ! This afternoon my brother and i have to go to the solicitor and take an oath.I think this is something to do with probate, i dont really understand all this legal stuff but my brother does luckily.
For all of you going through this terrible time of grieving,you are not alone and hopefully we can all gain comfort from each other.

thinking of you today golemmings and wishing you strength

sorry i havent posted recently, not going so well for me either.

after clearing my mom&dads house 11 years ago lots of my parents things were boxed and put in my loft ..... DH has been boarding /insulating it recently so i have been looking through the boxes. i am unable to throw anything away

mummylin ((hug)) for you - isnt everything so difficult to do

I'm glad I've found this thread. My mum had cervical cancer 6 years ago but we found out in January it had returned and spread and was terminal. This was 5 days after my much longed & waited for BFP. She has been not too bad but things took a turn for the worse and she is currently in hospital. We found out today cancer is now on bones & they want to move her to a hospice.
I don't know how to deal with this. DS is 10 weeks old & I don't want to feel so angry and sad around him. I also want to be strong for my mum but feel like I'm going to explode with the grief.
I can't imagine life without my mum. Nobody on this earth loves you like your mum.

Hope you don't mind me jumping in, my mum passed away in hospital last Friday. I thought I was ok but I'm having a bit of a weepy day today.
So nice to know that so many others feel the same, Boba82 you are right no one loves you like your mum and I can't help feeling a bit lost without her (even though I am 48!).
Still haven't sorted the date for the funeral so in some ways can't quite move on yet.

Hi boba and soonbesailing - so sorry to hear your news. Both anticipating and experiencing a death is hard. My mum died 7 weeks ago after a deterioration in her health and I felt tearful and vulnerable before and after the event. I am still struggling but the periods in between bad moments are getting longer. boba - it must be very hard to be a new mum at this time. My thoughts are with you both.

xxxx all xxxxx

It's been a while since I posted and I'm sad to see so many new names if you know what I mean.

It's been 4 years since my Dad died and it will be our 5th Christmas this year. It seems funny just writing it down, I can't believe it's been 4 years already. In some ways it seems like such a dim and distant memory it feels even longer than that.

Reading about some of you sorting out clothes makes me feel sad as I realise that my Mum did that alone. I was so busy with my dc who were 3 and 1 at the time that perhaps I used it as an excuse not to be around as much as I should have been. I just felt so torn. Having to be strong for my Mum, not falling apart for my dc's sake and then also grieving too.

I still won't fall apart in front of my Mum. Perhaps it's wrong, I'm not sure if she realises that I still miss him?

footballmum I hope that you can talk about your feelings either in RL or on here. I kept it all inside for a long time and nearly exploded one day. Having said that I don't want to sound preachy as grief is so personal. There's no manual telling you what you should do and how you should feel.

To those of you who have just suffered a bereavement, I am truly sorry. It is horrendous and I don't think you really understand it until you're in that position. At least this is a good place where we can come and talk and people will listen and more importantly understand.

soonbesailing i am sorry to hear that you too have suffered a devastating loss.My lovely mum died 5 weeks ago and i still cannot believe i wont see her again.My brother and i have started to clear mums house but we just cannot face doing any more at the moment so have decided to leave it now until after xmas.I wake each morning and just for a second everything is normal,then the feeling of utter sadness returns.Like thefarside i can now manage days without being constanly in tears but although i was improving i seem to be going back the other way as it gets nearer to xmas.I was in a shop the other day and i heard someone call out Mum and i thought how lucky she was to be able to do that. I have no idea how you move on from this at all.Im even beginning to resent people laughing and joking around me at the moment.I know its irrational but thats how i feel. To all of us on this thread who has lost a mum or dad i am so sorry for you all.We must all help each other.Together we will get through this awful time.

Hello all. I haven't been on for a while, and am so sorry to see others have lost a parent. My heart goes out to you all.

It is nearly a year now for us that Mum died; 31.12.2010, and I am finding the whole Christmas thing very emotional. Christmas day last year was the last day my dd's and dh saw my Mum alive :(

I know what you mean about being in shops and hearing people call for their Mum's. It is just not fair.

I actually openly wept in the cafe at Asda today. There was a lady in the queue behind us and we got chatting. She was worried about using the machine to get a coffee, so I said I would help her; which I did. She kept saying how kind I was, and how thoughtful, and that she hoped I had a wonderful Christmas. She just reminded me so much of Mum; not to look at, but the kind things she said to me. Makes me well up thinking about it.

Sorry, waffled on there.

Look after yourselves ladies; this thread is wonderful. x