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Bereavement

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Original poster

anyone is grieving for a parent

828 replies

2shoes · 20/11/2010 23:40

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

OP posts:
PetuliaGristle · 28/08/2011 08:28

Hi, I found this thread yesterday, my mum died last Saturday, 20th August, not unexpected as mum's been unwell for some time and her health deteriorated rapidly after step-father died and her mother died earlier this year. My lovely dp lost his father the same weekend step-father died, then his aunt died shortly after so he's reliving that grief now whilst supporting me. I'm getting the weird fog feeling too, and keep jumbling up everything that happened over the past few months.

Solo · 28/08/2011 13:40

Hello Petulia and you are welcome here with us although we are all sorry that you are here iyswim.

We have all been through the loss of a parent, sometimes two. It is always a very personal thing of course, but we can all relate to how you are feeling, so please feel free to say whatever it is on your mind and whenever you need to. There is almost always someone here to give you a virtual hug or hold your hand (or heart) while you are sad, cry or smile and laugh because we all have memories and therefore stories that we can and often want to tell others about our dear Mum or Dad.

The fog is a common feeling for many of us; we are sort of lost in it, but it will get less over time...you do need to care for yourself though. Remember to eat, sleep and cry too if you need to. Sometimes the tears don't all come out in one go and you'll feel absolutely fine and then something will bring the tears on; they may last for 5 minutes, they might not stop for hours, but it's all completely normal...that however, does not stop it being painful.

So do talk here if you want to...maybe just read some of the thread, but whatever you do, do take care of yourself.x

aristocat · 28/08/2011 20:31

hello ladies
and i am sorry i have been absent from here. personally my DCs have been asking more and more questions about my lovely parents. solo i so get the 'date thing' ..... my Dad died in Dec 99 and Mom 6months later so i am forever thinking if events had happened before i lost them and how different my life used to be.
of course i have my DCs now and wish M&D would have been here for them Sad

sadly petulia the fog and confusion are totally normal feelings. we share our thoughts here and offer as much support to each other as possible. please be kind to yourself and your DP.

i can remember myself and my Mom crying together after losing Dad and telling her that i couldnt be any more heartbroken ...... how wrong was i Sad shortly after that i had lost her too and my grief was doubled. my DH was and is a marvellous man who helped me so much just by being here for me. hope your DP can be strong too.

Solo · 29/08/2011 01:14

Aristo, hello :) lovely to see you again.
I don't know how I'd cope if I lost Mum too... I have no man in my life, so I'd be sooo alone :( with no one to offer comfort or support. I dread it.

follygirl · 30/08/2011 22:38

I haven't been on this thread for a while as have been feeling a bit better about things. I think that having the kids around for the summer holidays has helped. Things will be quieter next week when they go to school (I'm a SAHM). I've decided to be a bit more positive and to get fit. About time really as I've done no regular exercise for about 10 years and I'm going to be 40 soon.
My mum gave me a gorgeous photo of my Dad holding me when I was a baby. As it's 'old school' we only have one copy so I clutched it tightly when I went to find a frame for it as it's a funny size. Now it's on my bedside table so I can see it when I wake. It is so unbelievably precious to me.
Mum is doing well. Still lonely, still sad but doing better than expected.
Sorry to see new people on the thread iykwim.

A particular mention to misdiagnosed. I saw on the A level thread that you got the results you wanted/needed. Your parents would have been so proud of you and I had a tear in my eye when I read your post about it.

Take care and be kind to yourselves.

follygirl · 30/08/2011 22:40

So sorry that should have said missdisorganised1. Blush

Solo · 31/08/2011 00:13

:) hello follygirl. Glad you are feeling more positive.

aristocat · 01/09/2011 14:20

solo sorry i didnt realise you were alone , it sounds like you have a fantastic relationship with your mom and that you can be there for each other.

my niece met my DCs this week and thought that they were lovely and said how proud my mom and dad would have been - almost made me cry Sad

Solo · 01/09/2011 16:55

We do have a relatively good relationship folly but I was my Dad's daughter iyswim? I have a Brother, but we are quite different people really...but it's Mum I rely on for the odd bit of babysitting etc...

follygirl · 01/09/2011 22:23

hello solo. How are you?

I too have my Mum still and feel very grateful that I do. I do have 2 brothers but they live abroad and to be honest I'm not as close to them as they are to each other.
I see my Mum every week and am there to hear her gripes/worries/joys as she has no-one else to listen to her.

Coming up to the 4th anniversary in November. Can't believe it's been that long. It feels like forever and another lifetime away since I saw him again.

Solo · 02/09/2011 01:01

I'm Ok folly thank you. I'm missing Dad terribly. The two years has flown by for me. I find it hard to think that I haven't spoken with him, listened to him chat for 2 whole years...Actually, I have two answerphone messages on my house phone from Dad. I listen to them occasionally, but I'm paranoid about losing them :(

Solo · 02/09/2011 01:02

I've just read that back. I sound crackers!

follygirl · 03/09/2011 17:50

Hi solo. You sound perfectly normal to me :)

My mum was devastated that she had washed all of Dad's clothes and so didn't have any with his 'smell' on them. I have an old shirt of his which I have kept although it's not quite the same smelling of detergent and not of him.

In my mobile it still says 'Mum and Dad' for their home number and I still have his mobile number in there as it felt as if by deleting them I would be deleting him from my life, as if he wouldn't have existed.

Still miss him like mad, especially his smile.

Hugs to the rest of you who are going through this.

Solo · 04/09/2011 12:42

Folly I also have a shirt...Dad didn't smell, really odd, but he didn't. Mum got rid of almost all his clothes straight away. I found that hard. Actually, I brought all his shirts home and only recently (two weeks ish ago?) gave them to the charity shop. I kept telling Dad I was sorry. I have two here though that Ds wants...My phone also says 'ICE Mum and Dad' and I too still have Dads mobile number in my mobile. I completely understand the thing about not deleting the numbers...in the same way that I've never crossed through any dead relatives details from my address book.

Sexonlegs · 06/09/2011 21:56

Hello all; sorry for my lack of posting; things have been hectic here with builders in, my ovary removal and the school holidays!

Back to normal now, although my db is in hospital. He has been diagnosed with chrons (sp?) disease and has been very very ill :( On the mend now, but has been very stressful.

I have several things from Mum, including a shopping list she wrote - mad I know, but it is her handwriting and I want to remember it forever.
I also have a beautiful ring which has been resized for me. When Dad gave it to me I just wept -actually for the first time in front of him, as I have held back for so long.

I hope everyone is ok. xx

Solo · 06/09/2011 22:20

Hi Sol :)

I've been going through Mum's paperwork again as she's really not kept on top of it. I think it confuses her as Dad always dealt with everything. I kept coming across statements that said Mr S Dad etc and also his jottings and I had to fight the tears back...It just doesn't seem to ease does it? :(

follygirl · 07/09/2011 18:52

Hi sexonlegs and solo. It's understandable that reminders of your Mum (sol) and Dad (solo) should be so upsetting. It's all still so new for both of you, particularly sexonlegs.

I'm feeling okay about things. I've got my 40th next month and I'm sad he won't be there for that, it will also be 4 years since he died in November. Can't believe it's been nearly 4 years already. It actually feels longer than that. :(

PetuliaGristle · 07/09/2011 18:59

Hi all, thanks for the kind words, Mum's funeral tomorrow hoping it will all go the way she would have liked. M&D divorced over 25yrs ago, and both remarried, Dad's still with us but we've asked him not to come to the funeral. Solo sorry you are missing your Dad so much, ikwym about paperwork I had to do some last bits and pieces for Mum after she died and it was so difficult. Sol I have UC which is in the same 'family' of diseases as Chrons, if you have any questions let me know. Take care.

Solo · 08/09/2011 00:34

PG I hope your Mum's send off goes well. Sending hugs and prayers.x

dizzyblonde · 08/09/2011 07:42

Ten years today since my Mum died. It seems like yesterday. I still miss her gentle wisdom.

Solo · 08/09/2011 09:54

Dizzy :( time goes so fast doesn't it? I hope you aren't feeling too down today.

aristocat · 08/09/2011 10:59

((hug)) for PG and hope today isnt too difficult.

oh dizzy 10 years Sad i miss mine so much too, i dont think we will ever stop missing them but just have to adapt to the change in our lives. hope you are OK today.

i have had vertigo for a week now and went to my doctors today (same GP that mom & dad used to go to) and memories of them came rushing back to me. they were nice happy thoughts and i can finally think/talk about mom and dad without crying.

Sexonlegs · 08/09/2011 18:18

Hi ladies

PG, I really hope yesterday went well; as well as these things can go. Db was diagnosed with UC a few years ago and was managing with medication, but the last 6 weeks have been awful and he was taken in to hospital last Thursday. They realised the diagnosis was wrong and is now being treated accordingly.

Dizzy :( Thinking of you.

Hi Solo :) Hi Folly :) 40 eh? You youngster! My 40th was last year, and me and dh had a joint party which Mum and Dad came too. I am so glad they were around

DD2 starts school on Monday, and all I can think is I wish with all my heart that Mum could be here to witness it :(

Love to all.

dizzyblonde · 08/09/2011 19:45

Thank you for all your kind messages. We had five years since my Dad's death last month as well. So many firsts in my childrens lifes as they go off to uni etc, my parents would have been so proud and the children miss out on that special love and support that grandparents give.
Going to call my sister now and have a few moments of remembering.

Solo · 09/09/2011 15:36

40? pah! try 47 then!! Wink

I threw a 40th that Dad was at...shame he wont make my 50th... :(

Hope you are all doing Ok today.x