anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

This is a fab thread.

I feel like I may bore people in rl if I tell them how I really feel about losing Mum. They all think I am doing so well...

There are so many things that set me off! The school thing is a big one, as I know has been mentioned on here before.

And concerts and performances of any sort that dd1 is involved in always make me feel a tad sad.

I am also going in for a minor op next month, and I just keep thinking how I want Mum to be around, even though dh is here as moral support - tis not the same :(

Thoughts to all. x

My eyes hurt and my chest aches. And my short term memory is going a bit skewed, i keep forgetting things I ought to be doing.

It's all 'normal' SGB, even if it is crap. I personally can't really cry yet and it'll be 2 years in August...I've had the odd day where the tears have flowed, but nothing like I expected, so if you are, that's a good thing IMO...let it all out. I feel almost like I've short changed my Dad on tears. I talk to him almost daily and miss him so very much.
You will get through this SGB, you will, but it takes time to come to terms with it.

Is this wierd fog feeling normal? I expect it is. I am sort of losing my sense of time; it seems like it was only yesterday I saw my dad the last time, and yet I am having trouble keeping track of how many days it is since he died. And I am so tired, constantly tired.

hello ladies ..... sorry i havent been on here for a while.
so sorry SGB to read that you have lost your Dad. yes, the fog feeling is completely normal and it takes time to adapt to the changes in your life.

i have a funeral today, it is my moms best friend she was a lovely kind lady and although my mom died in 2000 i have kept in touch and visited her regularly. this lady has met my children (which my parents never did) and i feel very empty today.

WB 2shoes lovely to see you back here.

hope everyone else is OK, best wishes to all.

SGB, I think it's because your world is no longer the same; the fog is very normal and may be there a while; I think it's kind of like a physical grief.
The losing track of days/time etc is normal too...I can't comprehend that my own DDad has been gone for almost 2 years; I don't expect to walk into Mum's place and see him, but I still feel he should be there :( oh how I wish...
It all will improve, but it will take time because you loved your DDad and were close to him. Try not to expect too much of yourself.

Aristocat :) nice to see you again. Sorry that your friend has gone :( I hope all went well today.

:(

All normal. And the tiredeness; I remember that well; utter emotional exhaustion. I used to get dizzy spells as well.

I feel for you. xx

Its been seven months since Mum died. It wasn't unexpected but nevertheless that did little to quash the agony of her passing. On the whole I would say I've been ok but recently I've been having really vivid memories, like snapshots where I can smell and feel my Mum so vividly that it's painful. My chest aches with sadness because I miss her so very much. These thoughts and memories come out of the blue and take me by surprise. Does anyone else feel like this?

Sometimes I talk to her like she's with me and I can hear her in my head (now I sound like I'm mad!). I miss her desperately and think of her at some point every day, usually along the lines of 'Mum would have liked that', you know that kind of thing. Funny thing is, I feel childlike in my loss. I remember when I was 6 and I got lost in the supermarket, it feels a bit similar. I feel a bit panicky, a bit bewildered, and find myself scanning the crowd hoping that I'll see her (usually when I'm in Marks and Spencer). It should end with her coming back and all this sadness and feeling of enormous loss would go. But obviously that's never going to happen .
I know this is grief, I know we have to go through it but it's painful, exhausting and fundamentally shit. I'm angry, I'm sad and I miss my Mum.

Since Mum and Dad were killed I have felt all sorts of emotions. Guilt that I survived the accident that killed them. Anger that they left me behind to cope with all the crap on my own. Sadness at all the things I would never get to do with them like exam results, graduation, wedding or grand children.
Self pity, jealousy as well. All sorts of negative things. Despair sometimes.

I hope uni, if I get there!, will be better

:( Missdisorganised. What a tragic situation. Words fail me.

Picturethis, it is 7 months since my Mum died too, and everything you wrote could have been written by me, including the M&S bit!

I have been bad this week. I had a minor op last Monday, and even before the GA, I was bawling for my Mum (even though dh was there and I am 41!) I have cried a lot since as well. I miss her with all my heart.

Well its 5 months since I lost my mum and I miss her more than even. We had the inquest this week which I suppose hasn't helped. I did not attend but had to deal with the paperwork afterwards.
Sexon , you are so right that these threads help. I find it really hard to burden people in rl. Dh just doesn't seem to get how upset I am and I don't seem to be able to find the right words to explain. I guess thep roblem is that she was my only parent for over half my life and i was always realyy close to her.
Sorry to everyone else sufferring. Misdisorganised how awful for you.

Not sure if this is the right thread, but looks like it's as good a place as any. My wonderful, beautiful mum died 11 years ago today. I will always miss her. I will always love her. I see her in my DDs, who she never met.

She will always leave a gap, but I promise it does get easier. The pain isn't what it was and certainly not so frequent.

It's such early days for you doncaster, particularly with having just had the inquest. My thoughts go out to you. You will come through this. xxx

Thank you Jezabelle. Thinking of you today also. Anniversaries are rubish too.

How weird this should show up in Active Convo's today.

Today is the 1st Anniversary of my Dad's death

Still can't believe he's actually gone, even though a whole year has passed. A whole year! Thats such a long time.

Feeling very numb and sad today. Much the same as on the day it happened.

The first is the worst ime cosmic. Be kind to yourself today.

Yes , I agree 1st year definately the worst.

Hello everyone. I hope you are all doing Ok. I've not been here for a little while, sorry about that.

My DDad's 2nd anniversary is approaching :( I miss him more than ever...

Solo it just doesn't seem to get easier. I lost my dad years ago but my mum more recently. I seem to be feeling worse rather than better.

Ryman I'm guessing that for you, the wounds have been reopened by the more recent loss of your Mum; I dread that :(

Everyone is welcome here though to vent, rant, cry or smile or even share memories with us. I have recently been recalling my Dads hugs. He was a very very slim man so hugs with him were not soft, they were quite bony...a unique kind of hug :) this time two years ago, Dad was very ill and just skin and bone. About now, I gave him a haircut, trimmed his mustache and eyebrows and made him more comfortable. I was the only one that he'd allow to brush his teeth, so I did that every day for him...Lord I miss him...
My Ds is 13 today and after his 11th birthday, Ds could only be angry that 9 days later his Grandad was gone and that has been with him ever since. I try to tell him that his birthday was the last family birthday that his Grandad would celebrate ~ which is a nice thing. I do try...

Ryman, I still have my dad and think I would feel like an orphan losing my dad, (even at 36!) My thoughts go out to you.

Solo, it must be so difficult to deal with your DCs grief on top of your own. Talking is so improtant but you could also make a memory box, ask him to write a story about when DG died etc. winstons wish is a really great charity with some good, practical ideas for helping berieved children.

Might not help you but I'm guessing there might be people on this thread that it does help.

Hi,
I hope you dont mind me coming on this thread.
My Dad died alomost 2 weeks ago and I am so so sad. I did not know my dad as a child - I only met him 4 years ago. It was me and my brother that contacted him. Since then contact has been sporadic - initially I saw him every couple/few months. However, this changed in 2010 - I saw him and told him I was pregnant (around 4.5/5 months) and then when I gave birth my brother called him to let him know. After that I did not hear from him - no card, phone call etc. I was upset about this but tried to arrange to see him and his partner 2 or 3 times after this and they cancelled each time, I asked them to let me know when was more convenient and I would visit but heard nothing until about 7/8 weeks ago when my brother got a call to say that our Dad was really ill. He went into hospital. I visited with my son once and then I visited again the night before he died. We knew he was very ill but did not think that he would die so soon.
Now I feel so sad. I feel like I want to start over with him and try again to build a relationship. I have so many regrets - others tell me I have nothing to regret or feel guilty about. It was always my brother and I who arranged to go and see him. In fact, I dont think that my dad ever phoned me.
I am just so painfully sad that it is all over and now we will never get a chance to speak about the past. I want so much to hear his side of the story about the circumstances when I was a child. I want to know all about him and feel that it was a wasted oppertunity. But part of me knows that even if he still alive we would probably never have that relationship, even if he or I wanted to. I know that he was dlighted when I went to see him. He was never a talker and never said much but I got the feeling that he was pleased.
Not really sure why I am posting this but felt a need to. I didnt expect to feel the way that I do. I feel so so sad, so guilty and so regretful that I may have hurt him by not being in contact with him more.

Blonde1 what you are feeling is not only the grief of losing your Dad, but also for losing the past iyswim? you can no longer ask him things that only he could've answered. You've also got no Grandad for your Dc and that is a whole other type of grief to deal with IME.
As we say a lot on this thread; be kind to yourself and we are here if you need us. Take care of yourself.x

This time two years ago, I was sitting at my Dad's bedside...tomorrow two years ago I'd watch and hear him take his last breath. I feel so unable to move on...

Every single time I find an old receipt, I look for the date on it. If it's before August 19th 2009, I always always think 'This was before Dad died.' or 'Dad was still here back then.'

I just can't get past it and I find it so very sad, heartbreaking in fact.

Just needed to write that down.

Solo :( Your post made me cry!

I hope you are ok; you are such a tower of strength on this thread. Hugs to you.

All ok here. ish. Wept in the shower for Mum yesterday.

It is dd2 4 1/4 who has had a bad time. She was 3 1/2 when Mum died, and last week she kept saying she was sad about Gran. It came to a head a night last week, when she woke up screaming and not with it; obviously having a nightmare. I calmed her but 5 mins later she was crying again. I went in to her, and all she said ws "Gran" and then fell asleep.

I thought my heart was going to break in two. Poor wee lamb.

Thanks Sol. Last Friday went Ok. Mum didn't seem to really be too bad and nor did the Dc's. I was Ok and I took them all to the crematorium to put flowers and a rememberance flower holder there for Dad. They were roses from the garden that Dad had planted, so it seemed right...I then went along watering other peoples wilting flowers and plants...it seemed so sad to just leave them to die, but I had to stop or I could've been there for hours and I couldn't be there for long...:( I'd text my brother that day and I still haven't heard back from him

Sol, my Dd was 2.8 when her Grandad died and although she remembers him often, speaks about him etc, I think she's 'over' missing him. I'm not sure, but maybe that year ish less makes the difference for little ones? that they haven't enough emotional maturity to 'feel' it the way we do for longer than a few months or so...dunno, I'm no expert at all.
Maybe your Mum has been on your Dd's mind more recently and that's why she's dreaming of her.
Hugs to you too Sol. It's such a lonely experience this losing someone you love so dearly and deeply and it's really early days for you. And me.

Lots of love.x