anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

My dad died a month ago. Im ok but have moments. Havent really cried that much...more the snivles than wailing. I just cant grasp the fact I wont see him again. Mum has been great. V brave and strong. My sister has been ok too. He had been ill but we hadnt expected him to die now or even this year. I`m back in work and am glad that being back means I can concentrate on school work and not thinking about stuff too much. I have lost all my grandparents but this is the closest loss I have suffered. ((( ))) to all who are going through this process. xxx

oh t0lk13n so sorry you are going through this too we all post on here just for support/ hand holding and ((hugs)) when needed.

please be kind to yourself and there is always someone here if you want to talk

t0lk13n Ditto what aristocat says. It's a hard process, sadly.

t0lk13n i am so sorry, i feel the same about mum

Thank you ....didn`t want to hijack thread but just needed to put it down so to speak xxx

There's no hijacking here :) just write it down and share it, good or bad, happy or sad, rant away if you need to...just know that we are here for you.

My dad died on the 26th July, he'd been terminally ill for some time but his death was unexpectedly sudden. It's going to mean a big change for us as the plan is for my mum (who lives 130 miles away) to move in with us. She's still sorting out the paperwork so isn't here yet, she's doing incredibly well but it's the first time she's ever lived on her own so I'm worried about her being on her own and dealing with it all without me being there to help. Since Dad died I've been feeling oddly detached and (unusually) un-emotional, although I'm struggling with sleeping and my ability to focus is shot to hell. Is that normal?

Hi devil and so sorry to see you here, but you are very welcome.

What you are experiencing is completely normal.

My own experience is a bit 'yoyo' like, although I have not had the gut wrenching grief yet, just waves of sadness and of missing my own Dad...I think mostly, you just have to roll with it and take each day and each emotion as it comes and deal with it accordingly.

My Mum couldn't deal with the paperwork on her own; she didn't know how to do anything ~ still doesn't actually. I've just discovered that she has inadvertently allowed all her appliance insurances slip...so try to ensure your Mum has what she needs to have in place.

Keep posting when you need to and take care of yourself.

Sorry to see that there are some newbies since I last posted, iykwim.

I think the emotional detachment is so normal. It was/is for me even now. I think it's more prevalent if you're being the 'strong' one in the family. With 2 young dc I couldn't really collapse into tears when I felt like it. They saw me do it once and were really upset by it.

Thanks for the comments about being young at 40 :) I don't really mind that I'm getting older. Being vain about my age and looks doesn't really seem important anymore. I find all that stuff so superficial since Dad died.

My dh is whisking me away to Rome in a few weeks for my birthday. It's very exciting as I've not been to Italy before and we're actually staying away for 2 nights. I've bought a guide book so just need to read the thing and decide what we're going to see. It's nice to have something to look forward to.

Hope everyone has a good week (well as good as it can be anyway).

Hi everyone, I hope it's ok for me to ask for some advice here? DH's mum died in May after a long illness (kidney disease for almost a decade). He used to go and see her almost every weekend (we live a couple of hours away), particularly when she was in hospital which would be for long stretches at a time. She was last in hospital from December to April, was allowed out for a weekend and then went back in. For that weekend we went to see her at home and she seemed so much better - she was obviously still very ill and in pain but she was so happy to be at home, even though it was only brief. She died a couple of weeks after that, and DH hadn't been able to see her in the interim weekend, which he felt really guilty about. We were there when she died and it was awful. She was in so much pain and seemed so scared. She was really in and out of consciousness for the 24 hours or so beforehand and only recognised us at some points, at others she didn't really seem to know what was going on or where she was. When she actually died DH just collapsed; I've never seen him like that and it broke my heart. He is the strong one in the family; his parents were split so his dad wasn't around, but his aunt and brother were.

Now it's been 4 months and we're slowly sorting the will, estate etc, and trying to deal with the family politics. He had some occasions early on after she died where he would get upset, but I've only seen him cry a couple of times, apart from the moment where she actually died. He has had chest pain and went to the doctor because he was scared it was his heart (he's got very paranoid about dying, or me dying) but the doctor said it was indigestion and gave him some tablets to take. They've helped so it probably was indigestion, but I think it's also more than that and his body not coping because he's not dealing with his grief.

I don't know how to help him. He is, to all intents and purposes, 'fine' in day to day life, and people are always commenting about how ok he seems. But he's not, I know he's not. We've talked about it and he's said he just tries not to think about her as it's too upsetting. I don't want to force the issue, and he knows I'm here for him, but I do feel he must - at some point - need to start really talking about it. He was incredibly close to his mum - they really worshipped each other and she was always so proud of him. It's cutting me up inside that I can't make him feel better, and I'm scared that if he carries on bottling up his feelings he won't ever really deal with them.

Do you think I should just let him deal with things at his own speed? I don't want to rush him, I don't want to force it, and I definitely don't want to make things worse for him. I just want him to be ok.

I'm still grieving for my mother and nan I lost six months apart five years ago.

Christmas still doesn't feel the same and I am gutted that they never got to meet DP or our beautiful DD's.

Hi Pippa I'm sorry about your Dmil.
I'm no expert, but because of the way I've dealt (or not) with my Dad's death, I would say that you are doing all you can right now...being there for him to talk if he needs to etc.

I can't really talk about my Dad or my feelings about losing him as my Mum always makes it about her and her loss and I need it to be about me and mine.

So...I think you are doing well. Perhaps there will be others on here that may offer other thoughts and ideas for you though...we are quite a good support on here, so come back if you need to :)

Fashionista :( I'm very sorry. It must be very hard losing two close family so close together. Clearly, it gets no easier, just different.x

Hi Pippa, wanted to cry for your dh, and couldn't read and run. I've appreciated dp listening to me, I'm sure your dh really appreciates you listening to him too. You're a star, just be there for your dh, can't say more right now.
Fashionista sorry to hear you lost mum and nan so closely like me, we couldn't tell mum about nan straight away as she was too ill. So hard losing mum and nan, losing two stong women so close together, really feel for you.

pippa so sorry i agree that i think you are doing superb for your DH. just by being there ready for him as/when he wants to open up and show his grief is good. my DH had never lost anyone until i lost my parents and my whole world collapsed, he was always (and still is) here for me and you will get through this together
does he have something special but small enough that he can always have with him. i wear my moms wedding ring and it is a lovely feeling.

Fatshionista so sorry you lost your mom and nan within 6m. my parents were 6m apart too there is always someone here to chat with, so please come back and talk about them if it helps.

Thanks everyone for your kind words - I think the hardest thing is that I really want to do something practical that will just 'fix' it all and make him feel better and of course there is no such thing. But it's good to know I'm doing the right thing in just letting him know I'm here for him. Aristocat he has a letter that she wrote to him when she first got ill that she left for him to find with her will - she was scared she would die without being able to say goodbye first. It's an amazing letter and I know he'll always cherish it. Having your mum's ring must be a real comfort too - so lovely to have something you can wear.

I've read through some of your stories and I'm so sorry for the losses you've all had. You're quite an inspirational bunch though you know - there's a lot of strength here :) Thank you all for your kindness. I will pop back on occasion if you don't mind. I hope you are all well and feeling ok today.

[[Polly]]

Remind me to tell you all about my Dads wedding ring later...can't do it now, I really have to sleep.

Solo here btw :)

Hi pippa, I agree with the other wonderful ladies here that you are doing the right thing in being there for him. Unfortunately there isn't an easy fix for this and it will affect him for the rest of his life. It will get easier but it is a slow process. I lost my Dad 4 years' ago and am finding that I'm more used to it now.

I have to say though that although my dh is wonderfully supportive, I don't believe that he truly understands what I'm going through because he hasn't lost his parents. I really think until you go through it, you can't/won't understand. I see it as the end of childhood. The parents who have been there your whole life, have protected and nurtured you, are suddenly gone. It is devastating, even when you're 'old' enough to look after yourself. I was in my late 30s when I lost my Dad, a mother myself, yet I found that I regressed internally into being that child who needed their father back.

I feel that I've waffled again but I wanted you to know how it feels to be the one who has been bereaved.

Keep being as supportive as you have been and he will get there.

Yes, I'm always thinking about my Dad and saying 'I want my Dad back' :(

My mum had been carer for my dad (who was chronically sick) and my brother until he died four years ago; eighteen months after his death dad was diagnosed with cancer as well. There was a part of me that was jealous that they got all of her attention and time and presence; she's not been able to visit us, even when our children were born. I know exactly what you mean about regressing: I almost want her to look after me now - even though I know i'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. It's such a lot of emotions to deal with in one go, especially when I'm virtually never alone to think things through. Pippa you are doing the right thing for your husband, it may just be too soon for him to have processed what's happened - i still have a strong sense of unreality going on. Thanks for all the contributions to this thread, reading it is helping me feel less alone.

Just saying hi.
It has been 10 years since I lost my dad, I was only a teenager when he died. I still think of him everyday and feel so sad that he wasn't at my wedding and didn't get to meet his grandchildren.
I'd like to think that he is somewhere looking after us but I'm not religious and not sure about that. It's nice to think he can see us though :(
So sorry for all you that have also lost parents

Devil and Dilly you are both welcome here:) we are a very supportive thread and you can jot your thoughts and feelings down at any time...there is usually someone to answer... (I'm usually Solo )

Hi Devil and Dilly and hello to you WhoresHairKnickers aka solo.
I like to think that Dad is looking down on me from up high, or at least that his spirit is somehow still here. I'm not religious at all although sometimes I wish I were as it does seem to comfort people.

For the first few anniversaries we used to release balloons in memory of him. Now when a helium balloon escapes and soars into the sky, my dc say that it is going to him. It makes me smile when they say it and I sometimes like to believe it too. Our cat and a rabbit died in the last year and I've told dd that he is looking after them for us.

I also feel sad Dilly that he didn't get the see the kids develop but I remind myself that they are a part of him and so that he lives on through them.

Have a good weekend everyone. :)

Mum's birthday today - feeling sad.