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Original poster

My mum is about to die

123 replies

alfiesmum · 08/09/2005 18:39

My mum has ovarian cancer which has now spread throughout her body, she is only 54. She was moved to a hospice last night, she is very weak and may die at any time. I went to see her today and was shocked to see how bad she has got so quickly, its been less than a week since I last saw her and she was sitting up and talking normally then. She can now hardly talk or breath and is drifting in and out of consciousness.

I think mum dad wants me and my sister to be with her when she dies, but I can't bare to see her like that. I can't stop crying and i'm in floods of tears all the time but can't stop myself. I have not slept in days and to make things worse i'm pregnant and due in eight weeks.

Will I regret it forever if i'm not there? I am not someone who shows my feelings easily and I don't think I have ever told my mum that I love her. I wanted to today but she kept drifting off and didn't know what I was saying. I have left everything to late, I wanted her to know that I am having a baby boy but she was too confused to understand.

OP posts:
Cam · 10/09/2005 17:49

alfiesmum, thinking of you.
My best friend was with her mum when she died of liver cancer (a secondary, they never knew where the primary was). My friend found the experience very harrowing as others here have said and was kind of haunted and traumatised by it for a time afterwards.

I think its got to be your decision whether you are there or not - if indeed you have the option -
I wish you strength at this time

Janh · 10/09/2005 17:57

alfiesmum, I am so pleased you have been able to talk to her and know that she did understand and appreciate what you said .

As far as being there when she actually dies is concerned though, from what everybody else has said the timing is so chancy and so many people seem to "slip away" when there is nobody there, as if it's easier for them that way, I think you should try not to worry about it - what will be will be.

lou33 · 10/09/2005 18:04

I'm pleased you managed to speak to her alfiesmum. The memory of that will be cherished over the years.

motherpeculiar · 11/09/2005 15:00

glad you told her. hope you and your family are managing ok. Thinking of you.

Flossam · 11/09/2005 22:18

Still thinking of you AM. HOpe things are going alright with you all. xxx

Original poster
alfiesmum · 12/09/2005 09:46

Thankyou everyone
Mum passed away yesterday at mid day. I decided that fate would decide whether I was there or not. I had been staying at the hospice everyday between about 9- 5 and then went home in the evenings, mainly for my two yr old sons sake. I think he has sensed something, and has gone back to wetting himself after being potty trained for two months.

My sister had gone home in the morning to shower and change, while me and my dad sat with her. She was no longer awake but seemed peaceful. She had still been talking to us right up until the night before. When I told her I was going home and coming back the next morning she said ok and that she loved me.
My dad had told her that I was having a boy the day before when she had seemed quite with it. One of the nurses came over to me yesterday and said that she had asked my mum about the little boy in the photo by her bed. She told them that it was my son and that I was a lovely mum and he was getting a baby brother. I am so pleased that she understood this.
The nurses wanted to change her yesterday morning but warned that it could make her weaker. My dad asked if they could wait until my sister returned just in case.
She had some trouble breathing afterwards so they said they would turn her on her side, they then said they thought she was slipping away and called us back in.
We were all holding her hand and told her we loved her as she went. I am so glad I was there but I keep going over and over her last moments in my head which I hoped I wouldn't do (my sister has said she keeps doing the same thing).

I am sorry if I am rambling or have gone into too much detail, it just helps to write it down.

OP posts:
Toothache · 12/09/2005 09:50

Alfiesmum - I'm so sorry for your loss, but I'm glad you were all there and she knew about your baby boy. That is such a touching post and I'm sure it was the most perfect way (under the circumstances) for you Mum to pass.

crazydazy · 12/09/2005 09:51

Oh I am so sorry for you. I just cannot imagine what you are going through

gingerbear · 12/09/2005 09:52

So sorry to hear this. It is a terrible time for you and your family and my heart goes out to you.

AlmostAnAngel · 12/09/2005 10:03

oh hun ,,,[hugs] i know what you mean about going back over it in your head ,,but i promise it does get easier..it takes time ,,my dad died a couple om minutes before fathers day 2004,and i was there and holding his hand...he was having trouble with his breathing and was unconsus[sp],,,,i held his hand and squeezed it and a little while later he would squeeze back ,so i hold it in my heart that he knew i was there ,,i whispered in his ear how proud i was of him and how much i loved him and that he should go to sleep now..he just slowly stopped breathing and that was it ,my dad had gone what was left looked nothing like him ...his sprit had gone and it was just his overcoat laying there.i miss him so much but he was in so much pain,,so my heart goes out to you darling ,,,

kando · 12/09/2005 10:04

Thinking of you and your family at this very sad time. It must be very comforting for you to know that your mam heard everything you told her. Hugs xx

hoxtonchick · 12/09/2005 10:05

i'm so sorry alfiesmum

zippitippitoes · 12/09/2005 10:10

Alfiesmum

My sympathies are with you and your family at this time.

All the best in the coming months.

xxx

SherlockLGJ · 12/09/2005 10:15

I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your darling Mum, but I am delighted that she passed away knowing that you loved her and that you have the comfort of knowing that she knew IYKWIM , and it also nice that she knew that you were pregnant.

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this very hard time.

Much love

LGJ

sansouci · 12/09/2005 10:31

I am so sorry about your mum, alfiesmum, but delighted to read that she died reassured of your love for her & knowing that you are expecting another baby.

My best friend's mum died just before Xmas in similar circumstances (undiagnosed cancer) & I ache for her. I think most of us will have to bear the death of our parents sooner or later and I am dreading it.

xx

sansouci · 12/09/2005 10:34

didn't mean to paraphrase Sherlock. it's difficult to find the words to convey our feelings!

beetroot · 12/09/2005 10:38

This reply has been deleted

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Ragtaggle · 12/09/2005 10:45

So sorry Alfiesmum. x x

puff · 12/09/2005 11:04

Thinking of you Alfiesmum.

Puff xx

KateF · 12/09/2005 11:13

Very sorry to hear of your loss alfiesmum. God bless your mum and all of you left behind.

Janh · 12/09/2005 11:19

I'm very sorry that you have lost your Mum, alfiesmum, but glad to hear that she died peacefully and that you could be there after all. XXX

motherpeculiar · 12/09/2005 11:39

so sorry alfiesmum. glad for you that it happened peacefully. hope the next days/weeks/months aren't too awful for you all.

X

butty · 12/09/2005 11:42

My utter most thoughts are with you and your family.
I lost my dad when i was 21 and he was only 39 just turned.
He to was in a hospice with cancer of the osophigus.
I stayed by his side as did my other close family and held his hand as he drifted into his last sleep that would put him out of pain.
It was hard, but i would have regretted not being there and before he peacefully fell asleep he uttered the words i love you all, which was the first time he had spoken in 4 days due the morphine.
He has missed meeting his grandson who is now nearly 3 and missed seeing his grandaughter go to school, but i know everyday he is watching us and caring for us, and he is out of pain.
I believe that your mum will be doing the same.
Thinking of you and your family, Butty.xx

RTKangaMummy · 12/09/2005 11:44

{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}

dejags · 12/09/2005 11:56

seems woefully inadequate but I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry you have to go through this, losing your mum must be so very hard.

love
dejags