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Original poster

My mum is about to die

123 replies

alfiesmum · 08/09/2005 18:39

My mum has ovarian cancer which has now spread throughout her body, she is only 54. She was moved to a hospice last night, she is very weak and may die at any time. I went to see her today and was shocked to see how bad she has got so quickly, its been less than a week since I last saw her and she was sitting up and talking normally then. She can now hardly talk or breath and is drifting in and out of consciousness.

I think mum dad wants me and my sister to be with her when she dies, but I can't bare to see her like that. I can't stop crying and i'm in floods of tears all the time but can't stop myself. I have not slept in days and to make things worse i'm pregnant and due in eight weeks.

Will I regret it forever if i'm not there? I am not someone who shows my feelings easily and I don't think I have ever told my mum that I love her. I wanted to today but she kept drifting off and didn't know what I was saying. I have left everything to late, I wanted her to know that I am having a baby boy but she was too confused to understand.

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 09/09/2005 00:25

Totally agree with Sobernow though - your mum is in no doubt that you love her. Don't torture yourself about that...

clary · 09/09/2005 00:57

there are so many moving messages and wise words on this thread, just wanted to say to everyone that your stories have brought tears to my eyes. Alfiesmum I hope this has given you some support and strength in this dark time.

Janh · 09/09/2005 01:01

My mother died at 50, of mesothilioma secondary to ovarian (discovered at PM). I was 21 and didn't even realise she was actually dying - this was over 30 years ago, people were far less open then; hospices didn't exist.

She died, alone, at about 4am - I remember the phone ringing in the dark February morning and hearing my dad stumble downstairs to answer it, realising what it meant and lying sleepless in what remained of the night until he came in to tell me in the proper morning.

I wish I'd known and had a chance to tell her how I felt. alfiesmum, if you possibly can, however much it upsets you, please go and see her and tell her about the baby and how much you love her.

beep · 09/09/2005 06:45

I am very sorry for you alfiesmum,I don't think any one but you can know whats right for oyu.Iwas with my mum when she died of cancer and like yuo we had never said I love you to each other but did afew days before she died.Iwas with her when she died and was very grateful for this as when my dad died I hahn't had a chance to say goodbye to him, he had had a stroke but everyone thought he was getting better.My thoughts are with you

Ragtaggle · 09/09/2005 08:10

Oh alfiesmum, I'm so sorry. You must be feeling terrible.

I was with my dad (and two sisters) when he died - also too young. They do say that hearing is the last sense to go so I'm very glad that the last thing I said to him as he was dying was that we all loved him very much and would always do so. Having said that, the memory of him dying is a very traumatic one so if you don't feel up to it (and especially as you are pregnant) I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. Sobbernow makes a good point - she knows you love her, whatever decision you make.

SecondhandRose · 09/09/2005 09:08

alfiesmum, please keep typing, it made a massive difference to me to have everyone's support on here. When you don't feel you can talk about things it's so much easier to type how you feel, we're all here.

Original poster
alfiesmum · 09/09/2005 16:52

Thank you so much to everyone that has taken the time to reply. I am so sorry if this tread has brought back painful memories for anyone.

My mum is still with us and I have spent the day with her and my family. She is still drifting on and off, she can say a couple of words but then falls asleep. It breaks my heart to see her like that, she no longer looks like the mum I remember. Thankfully she is not on morphine and is in no pain.

I managed to get some time alone with her and said "you know I love you don't you" and she replied "don't I just" and squeezed my hand.
I don't think she realises that this is the end, so I didn't want to say something out of character and upset her, but luckily this didn't happen.
My dad and sister are going to stay with her and call me if there is any change.

OP posts:
WomanOfMystery · 09/09/2005 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

IvortheEngine · 09/09/2005 17:00

Oh, alfiesmum, I was thinking about you a few minutes ago and then I came onto MN and read your post. I know exactly what you mean when you say that your Mum doesn't look like herself. Mine didn't either. I hope you can take comfort from being able to spend time with her today and being able to speak with her and have her reply. That must mean so much. I don't know what to say, but I am thinking of you.

dropinthe · 09/09/2005 17:02

You did the right thing at the right time and you probably gave her alot of peace.
Thinking of you and your family.

PeachyClair · 09/09/2005 17:31

It may be wise to call the Macmillan Cancer Relief Info Line and discuss this with someone there? Just a thought, but it may help. 08088082020

CountessDracula · 09/09/2005 17:32

alfiesmum

Can't really think of anything to say but

macwoozy · 09/09/2005 17:34

alfiesmum I am so sorry to hear what you're going through right now. I know how terribly hard it is watching a parent slowly slip away. I was with my dad when he died, and I so much wanted to tell him that I loved him but never did. I bitterly regret that. It was just assumed from my family that I was to be there at the end, but for years after I kept playing back in my mind the last moments, instead of remembering him when he was fit and well. I totally understand why you'd rather not be there when your mum dies, you've got to do whats right for you. I am so sorry.

suedonim · 09/09/2005 17:41

Alfiesmum, my eyes are full of tears. I'm so glad you've seen your mum again and that she's still able to respond to you. Like others, I was with my dad when he died and it was very hard. I know just what others mean when they say they see their parent's face each night and so on but I try to remind myself that it was something I wanted to do, not for myself, but for my dad.

Thinking of you.

ggglimpopo · 09/09/2005 17:43

Message withdrawn

anniebear · 09/09/2005 20:25

I'm so sorry for you, my Mum is 59....must be so awful

sending you and your family lots of love and thoughts

myermay · 09/09/2005 20:34

Message withdrawn

puff · 09/09/2005 20:38

alfiesmum, I'm so glad you've had the chance to say the words you wanted to, and, you know she heard .

Puff xx

Micku5 · 09/09/2005 20:41

Alfiesmum, I know you don't know me but I am glad you got a chance to tell your mum how you feel. My MIL died last Wednesday and today was her funeral. I am so glad i got a chance to say goodbye to her and that I would pass on her love to my dd (she's only 2.3 years so doesn't understand what's happened)

winnie · 09/09/2005 20:43

alfiesmum, I've cried buckets reading this thread... My heart goes out to you. I am glad that you were able to tell your Mum that you love her. take care of yourself too.

zippitippitoes · 09/09/2005 20:44

Thinking of you at this time, I'm glad you exchanged words of comfort with your Mum.

Whatever your beliefs may you find strength for your self and your family in the coming precious days.

xxx

006 · 09/09/2005 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 10/09/2005 08:45

alfiesmum I am so sorry to hear about your mum.

My mum died 6 years ago aged 52 of breast cancer.She was admitted to a hospice on the last day but her deterioration in the last week shocked me.She was up and talking on Thurs morn, took in hosp in the afternoon and transfered to the hospice the Fri morning.She died at midnight.

She was in and out of consciousness in the last hours but I just sat with her and left when I knew it was near as dad wanted to be on his own at the end.I got home 1/2 hour later and as soon as I got through the door he called to say she had gone.Its very,very,difficult I know,I so feel for you.

She will know how much you love her,and yes like you we did not talk about the fact it was her time.It was just unspoken if you know what I mean.Just be there and be strong.So feel for you.

Ps my sister was 6mths pregnant with what would be the first grandchild.She had lots of support when baby was born and had a bit of pnd.Make sure you keep talking to people and get some support ready in case you need it.Everyone said to my sister 'things will be ok when the baby is born'like it was going to be a cure for all.But all she wanted was mum and she felt worse than ever.Keep posting here,the support is invaluable.

xxxxxxxx

tigermoth · 10/09/2005 09:05

alfiesmum, thinking of you today. I am so glad you told your mother you loved her. It must have set your heart at rest that she could reply to you. I missed the deaths of my mum and dad by a few hours each time, as the hospital was in another town. Their deaths came without warning, they were weak but no huge change occured before they passed away. They just drifted off. No one could have predicted this and told me when to be there. I'm suppose I am trying to say don't rely too much on your dad and sister telling you about changes to your mum's condition. The change may just be too gradual.
However long you are with your mum, you may well not be there for her final moments - but rely on your own feelings to know when to visit.

hugs X

greenbean · 10/09/2005 17:20

Thinking of you today.A lot of posters have been though the same thing as you but it doesn't make the pain any less.