My mum is about to die

[alfiesmum]

My mum has ovarian cancer which has now spread throughout her body, she is only 54. She was moved to a hospice last night, she is very weak and may die at any time. I went to see her today and was shocked to see how bad she has got so quickly, its been less than a week since I last saw her and she was sitting up and talking normally then. She can now hardly talk or breath and is drifting in and out of consciousness.

I think mum dad wants me and my sister to be with her when she dies, but I can't bare to see her like that. I can't stop crying and i'm in floods of tears all the time but can't stop myself. I have not slept in days and to make things worse i'm pregnant and due in eight weeks.

Will I regret it forever if i'm not there? I am not someone who shows my feelings easily and I don't think I have ever told my mum that I love her. I wanted to today but she kept drifting off and didn't know what I was saying. I have left everything to late, I wanted her to know that I am having a baby boy but she was too confused to understand.

Sorry I meant you and your mum.

I am a bit emotional reading this so didn't check my post.

i dont have any words that will help, or even if i did i dont have the ability to say how i feel readig this. you have to do whats right for you. tell her you love her if u want to tell her, and tell her you are having a boy and she'll have a grandson.

xx

Alfiesmum - I am so very very sorry

I think it is important that you be there for her, and for you.

I was with my DF as he died from cancer in a similar morphine drugged state. There was something comforting about the way in which the end was very peaceful that was quite profound for me. It did help to come to terms with losing him - although 5 years on, I still miss him every day!

As I said, I am so sorry - when will we get to the point where our loved one's are no longer struck down by this horrible disease

Big hugs-if you do love her,you must tell her.

PLEASE tell her you love her... you will regret it if you don't as it is so much on your mind... just sit with her, holdher hand and tell her about your son and how you love her... what you say in these last few days will help you in the years to come with your grief... don't hold back now...

i'm not sure this will help but heres my story. My MIL went downhill quite fast with secondary cancers following on from Breast Cancer we dashed down the country to see her, she pulled through the next day thanks to seriods but the scans of head showed her brain was riddled. Remarkably she regained conciousness and was up in bed talking. We stayed down for a week and she told me to go home and go back to work (she was also very pro me working and respected me for it). That afternoon i said goodbye to her, she was up in her hospice bed with her makeup on and looked like her.

We all went back home and the next day DH took DD back down to visit and stayed with my parents. We then went on holiday for a week. The day after we got back from hols we got a phone call saying get here now. so we did but didn't make it saying goodbye. i have to say personally i'm glad, my last memories of her are fab, her bossing me around as per usual and telling what to do. i wouldn't change it even if we could.

sorry it such a long post

alfiesmum, I posted exactly the same thing about my Dad in April 2003. He was about to go too. We were there at the end but he did wait for us to pop in the corridor before he went. We were all there around his bed.

In my heart I wished I hadn't seen my Dad die because I saw his face every night for the next 2 years when I went to bed (I was OK during the day).

Now I've learned that when I dream, I can dream that my Dad is alive and he's quite often in my dreams quite well. This helps a great deal.

My Dad was in such pain and now he's at peace. He's here every day though and always talked about.

Do what your heart tells you, nothing is right or wrong.

so sorry to hear this Alfiesmum. My mum died of breast cancer at the same age. It's shit.

Me and my sister were with her at the end. I am very glad we were. It was comforting to witness how calm it was in the end and to hear her last words, morphine riddled as they were. But I wouldn't have thought before hand that I would like ("like" being a stupid word in the context) to be there.

Whatever you decide to do aout that - and I don' think there is a RIGHT choice - I would try to tell her that you love her before she goes, even if you think she can't hear you.

Good luck with it all. mp

I'm so sorry alfiesmum. There's some wise words here but fwiw I wasn't with my mum when she died and I really wish I had been (she was alone in the middle of the night and the thought crucifies me). But I did get the chance to tell her how much I loved her and what a wonderful mum she had been and how much I was going to miss her. I'm so glad I did.

My heart goes out to you and your family xx

Alfiesmum, 'My Dad is dying right now' was my old thread I searched it in the archives under Bereavement/Miscarriage. I have had two name changes since. Sorry can't do links but some of the words may help you. Thinking of you.

I'm so very sorry for you. xx
I lost my mum to cancer at 58 and was there at the end with her. Its a personal choice only you can make but I'm glad I was with her, holding her hand. If you can, you should ask to have some time alone with you mum, with other family members, where you can sit quietly with her and tell her your feelings (although she already knows you love her - mothers do) and tell her about your son. I am convinced you will take comfort from the fact that you were able to have some personal precious time with her to tell her your feelings. I am the same as you in that I had never told my mum that I loved her, nor did she tell me. But when she was dying we hugged and told each other and I'm so so glad we did. Take care and my thoughts are with you at this terrible time x x

sorry I meant to say "without" family members...(I too am feeling emotional writing this thread) x

Alfiesmum-so very sorry for you and your family. My beloved dad died very suddenly after a long illness (most of my life really). I had seen him a week before but never had chance to say goodbye or tell him how much he meant to me. He died 5 weeks before my wedding. If you can manage it I think it will help you in the future if you can say goodbye to your mum and tell her about the baby. You do need to take care of yourself and it may not be that you are there at the moment she dies but you can say your goodbyes at any time.

Also, I truly believe that hearing is the last thing to go. My sister was in a coma once and when she awoke after three days she said the only thing she could remember was me talking to her. She died of leukemia age 29.

alfiesmum...i have no experience of this, but i am so sorry to hear about your mum

i cant even begin to imagine what you are going through, but just wanted to say you are in my thoughts. xxxxxxxx

alfiesmum. my mum died 2 years ago at the age of 57. We were all there when she died and i found the experience very harrowing.The image of her slipping away was all I could think about for months after.

alfiesmum. my mum died 2 years ago at the age of 57. We were all there when she died and i found the experience very harrowing.The image of her slipping away was all I could think about for months after.

alfiesmum. my mum died 2 years ago at the age of 57. We were all there when she died and i found the experience very harrowing.The image of her slipping away was all I could think about for months after.

didnt mean to do it 3 times, computer playing up

I'm so, so sorry. Whether you think she can hear or understand tell her anyway, go tomorrow and tell her everything, even if she falls asleep when you are in the middle of it all, just keep going, and tell her it again and again, every minute you're with her. I really am so sorry.

alfiesmum - thinking of you at such a sad time. My nan passed away last christmas of cancer, she was diagnosed and passed away within a week. I was with her when she went, and i am glad i was, the thought of her being alone surrounded my strangers when she went upset me, and to know that my mom and I were there for company more than anything, really put my mind at rest that she was ok, and without pain. It wasn't horrible or scary, she looks very ill anyway, and very peacefully just slipped away, her breathing grew very shallow hours before, and quite a few times we thougth she may have gone, but she hasn't, so when she did stop breathing and i was there holding her hand, it was so peaceful. I felt relieved that she was going to live up in the clouds ( and i'm not religious at all), she is now taking care of my two lost little babies for me, all up there in heaven.
I would defintly want to be with her, or at least tell her how i feel. But i have to say, please don't worry if you're not there, your moms will know that you love her, all moms do. you don't have to say the words.
I noticed that we haven't heard from you, I hope that you're ok, and that if she has already passed, that you feel happy about your decision.

Thinking of you

My dad died at the age of 44 from cancer, I was 19 at the time. I was there when he died and I was quite traumatised by it, but am still pleased I was there. He was very ill towards the end and sounds very much like your mum is. To be honest, the end was very peaceful. His breathing was horrible and he made awful sounds. But, you have to do whatever you feel most comfortable with. Your mum will know how you feel, just remember that you cant turn the clock back and do something differently.

Thinking of you at such a sad time.

Alfiesmum

So very very sorry. Words fail me.