Parenting skill is the key to all behavioural issues

[hobbgoblin]

Discuss!

Whether you call it old fashioned discipline, modern behaviour management...whatever you call it...good boundaries, clarity and consistency will almost without fail 'cure' even the most badly behaved child.

Depends if you are talking about behaviour that is able to be consciously controlled by the child, and that they are badly behaved because they are choosing not to exercise control, or are confused as to what the expectations are.
If the perceived 'bad behaviour' is as a consequence of an intolerable stimulus then you can have all the star charts, parenting classes and big sticks you like, until you identify the root cause of the behaviour, it won't be 'cured' Battered into silence and withdrawal, but not 'cured'
Are you being intentionally controversial, or is this a personal crusade?

Oh, and even if you do identify the cause of the 'bad behaviour', in many situations it can be managed to a greater or lesser degree but I still take issue with 'cured'

It's interesting to see that nobody has bothered replying, some 7 minutes after you asked this...

This becomes such a contentious issue I suspect people can't be bothered to get involved in the bun fight the 'debate' will become?

FWIW I tend to agree with you, except for a very small % (and I MEAN very small...) of children who have GENUINE medical/ mental health issues.

However everyone with a 'difficult' child will pile in and say that it's definitely not the case that their parenting could have had anything to do with their child's behaviour...

On the whole, I agree. I can see the difference in my dc's behaviour when I myself am generally well, compared to when I am sleep-deprived/hormonal/depressed.

You may not be able to dontrol the influences outside the family, but a good base provided by good parenting will, I am sure, support the children in making goood choices when exposed to poor influences.

Goblinchild, I have a personal/professional interest and have been considering writing about it in some way for some time but thought I'd garner opinion here out of further interest.

Actually, I think there is something else you need to add to "good boundaries, clarity and consistency" - you need to add respect, acceptance and tolerance for the child's emotions, feelings, beliefs.

Disagree. Affectionate parents who impose sensible boundaries are A Good Thing, of course, but children are not all the same and the causes of behavioural problems are not all the same.

No. Because DC are all different and what works on some won't work on others. No matter what. THis sort of attitude only comes from smuggoes whose kids are basically not difficult and never display any more than minor naughtiness.

Agree completely with cornflakemum.

I have seen dear friends who I love, respect and admire, struggling with their children's behaviour, have even wiped away their tears for them as we have a good old chat about it, but I can see clear as day where they are going wrong in their parenting. I do not wish to say anything to these lovely mums though, as I know there is no bigger taboo between parents who are friends. They are all loving parents with every good impulse in their body. It is usually to do with inconsistency and giving in to pressure from toddlers imvho.

Nope.

Some kids are downright placid, despite some of the laziest parenting short of neglect.

SOme kids are extremely challenging, despite the best parenting I have EVER seen.

I don't count myself in either of these catagories BTW, but Ds1 has some issues that led to an assessment at a behavioral centre, and one of the parents on that day blew my mind with her patience, her strength and general fabulousness.

Her child was still almost completely unmanagable.

I think 'parenting skill' would have to include an acceptance that one-size does not fit all, surely? And it ignores the idea that some children and adults are a better fit than others temperamentally. It's easier to be a 'good parent' to some children than others I would imagine, and equally it's easier to be a 'good child' to some parents...

Simplistic analysis IMO, but not without some use.

My DC are a mix of appallingly behaved, angelic and typical. I think I parent them the same, pretty much...

However, I personally believe that there are cornerstones which will help ensure that pretty much all children will display fairly reasonable behaviour unless in a tiny, tiny minority of those with specific disorders.

I think that things such as diet control is secondary and that many problems begin with inappropriate (to the individual) parenting and the fact that behaviour often improves with alterations to diet, etc. is misleading.

I know as I write this that MANY will vehemently disagree and this is an opportunity to self challenge [my theory].

Also, alongside the cornerstones there is the issue of individuality.

For example, I saw some excellent parenting going on in a family once but the boy was behaving very strangely and it was very upsetting for his parents as they were doing everything 'right'. However, the approach did not suit the child and thus his behaviour was disruptive in response.

I think the concept of boundaries is a complex one and a lot of people translate this as 'respectful and imaginative ways to say no'. To me, boundaries means so much more but I'll save going into that til later in this threas (if it develops!)

why don't you write a book on it then, you could make a fortune

True, one size does not fit all. The same parenting might not be appropriate for all children, not even siblings. Good parenting skills might not be enough to manage children with particular medical conditions/SN/traumas - but they are still important.

Why the SEA?

I think you have to be really careful you exclude special needs kids from blanket statements about bad behaviour. If you came across me and my 6 year old son in town, you might well tut under your breath and think "look at that child moaning and screeching because he can't have his own way, look he won't even walk properly down the road, what are things coming to nowadays with the behaviour of kids, parents too soft etc .." etc. But actually it would be fundamentally to misunderstand the huge huge efforts I and his behavioural tutors put into controlling his behaviours and making him understand concepts like waiting, as he is in fact autistic and also ADHD. I think I am actually probably firmer in my boundaries and treatment of him than are many of my pals with "normal" 6 year old boys, but my efforts may 9 times out of 10 be in vain due to his autism. We put in huge amounts of effort, but given his special needs and lack of speech, the battle is always ongoing to get him to behave well, keep quiet, wait his turn, walk nicely, use his fork, etc. We use a methodology called ABA (applied behavioural analysis) and in many ways I think you might want to look into this for all children, not just those with special needs. It's basic, old-fashioned common sense: reward the good behaviours, discourage the bad. Saying no is sometimes as important as saying yes.

Much of what we consider to be good parenting skills nowadays are things that 'trickled down' from people working with/paretning SN children. This holds true in education, too, I think.

20+y ago, a slap was a reasonable response to misbehaviour. I learned about withdrawal of attention when volunterring with a charity that worked with families with chidlren who had SNs. It was amazing stuff, totally eye-opening, and qlmost shocking that it worked. Now we're all being told to withdraw attention to deal with undesirable behaviour.

I dislike the 'all' qualifier in the subject title.

I guess parenting skill is the key to most behavioural issues with NT dc (particularly in pre-schoolers) but there are other forces at work too, such as the influences of peer pressure and the prevailing culture.

When my ds was younger (pre-school), so many professionals would go on and on about how I should 'set boundaries' (as though I'd never tried it!) but over the years they have realised that in fact, you have got to make the environment fit him and not the other way around (he has SLD, is non-verbal, ASD amongst other bits and bobs). Nobody ever talks to me about 'setting boundaries' now!

Maturity is the key with kids such as my ds. I use my parenting skills to keep him safe and to give him an appropriate environment but his SLDs forestall the use of the typical textbook strategies for behaviour management.

No, I disagree with Op.
Boundaries, clarity and consitency haven't worked me.
I accept that this is my problem. Wish bibbity-bob-hat was my friend and would tell it to me straight.

I'm curious now Hobgoblin, what is your definition of boundaries?

You would have to exclude not just SN children but also children under extreme stress. Ds's friend's behaviour dipped drastically when his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He had an excellent home, good boundaries, clarity, consistency, you name it- but he knew his mum was going to die .

My dd had severe temper tantrums after her joint pains had been misdiagnosed as psychosomatic, and again after she realised that she was going to be disabled for life. Again, I think we did fairly well on the boundaries and consistency, but she was angry anyway, because life hadn't been fair or clear or consistent.

I think that it certainly is the key for kids who are raised in a loving, reasonably stable household.

However I have read a few articles about people who have adopted kids with difficult backgrounds (at a young age, younger than 5), and no matter how consistent their boundaries, no matter how much they are loved, still have behavioral issues that never disappear.

So, yes and no, depending on the circumstances.
I'm not saying, btw, that all adopted kids with difficult backgrounds struggle with behavioral issues.