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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I am just so angry tonight. DD age 5 has never done anything like this before! I feel such a failure. Sorry long.

119 replies

eleanorsmum · 09/10/2009 19:34

DD is 5 and a really good girl. Bright, loves life and school. I'm preg with no.2 due in 4.5 weeks. DD is sooooooooooooooo excited about the baby. I work at dd's school as a ta in her class mornings only (might not be relevant but thought i'd add it in). She is doing really well, just settled into year 1 no probs. She is a sensible girl and loved by many.

BUT today I picked her up from school as normal but when i strapped her into her car seat i noticed two small nicks in the bottom hem of her school jumper. I asked her what happeend and she said 'child n' did it. I asked how she did not notice him doing it adn she said i was concentrating. I was a little sceptical of this answer and told her we'd talk about it later as we had friends in the car coming for tea (adult and child). didn't want to cause a scene. Left it till after tea and they'd gone and we'd read her readingbook. So she's sat on my lap having cuddles and i asked her again about the cuts (i had earlier noticed another cut on the cuff). She told me again it was 'child n' and she had her jumper off behind her on the chair. I asked agin how she didn't notice it and she squrimed a bit. I then asked if she was telling the truth because she would be in more toruble if she was making up stories. Again she said it was 'child n'. I said ok I will need to ahve a chat with the teacher on monday and find out if she saw anything. I said she had till monday to decide if it was her or 'child n'. She then wobbled and said i think it was me! At this point i hit the roof! she has never lied about anything as serious as this beofre. I told her to go uopstairs straight to bed. I follwed her up and she is now sobbing her heart out. i got angry and cross with her. got her sorted for bed did her medications and then we talked again. I told her how angry i was with her for lying and not respecting her clothes, about mummy and daddy working hard for her toys and clothes and this was not good at all. Also how bad it would have been for mummy to go in on monday to confrotn someone else about cutting her clothes when it was her! She was genuinely sorry and disturbed by her behaviuor, told me she felt sick. I told her that was guilt. She hugged me and sobbed and told me she was so sorry. I told her she would lose half her pocket money each week till she had paid for a new jumper. Settled her inot bed and she's now asleep.

Came dwon and broke my heart with dh. neither of us can believe she lied about this or did it in the first place. I feel so angry and such a failure as a parent. my heart is going and i feel sick which i know is not good for th baby.

Have i issued a suitable punishment? and how can i stop feeling so crap as a parent right now? Thanks for reading and getting the end of this rant.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 09/10/2009 20:44

Mr Messalina, do I detect a note of bitterness? Very amusing, anyway.

To the OP: you might have more of this 'out of character' behaviour to deal with when the LO is born - try not to react as if it's the end of the world when she's naughty.

It used to exasperate me when DD consistently chewed the sleeves of her t-shirts, but we'd laugh about it as well.
She's now 12 and practically angelic (although watch this space for the teen years.)

bosch · 09/10/2009 20:50

Am hoping you've hidden this thread OP but if you haven't, and if it helps - my ds2 started lying when he was in y1 - nothing major, but was a complete shock because he had been so completely honest up until then.

Fortunately for me I had a) the eg of ds1 who isn't quite so honest! and b) ds2 looks really obvious when he's lying and so c) he's grown out of it quickly (in y2 now).

I know he'll lie again but I DO sympathise with your (pg) reaction and hope you don't feel too beaten up by it/MN tonight.

Marne · 09/10/2009 20:53

I think you may have gone a bit OTT with this one but then again sometimes i get angry with dd1 and kind of forget she's only 5.

I would not mention it again now, she now knows that its not a good idea to lie and hopefully will think twice about doing it again. I think all children lie at some point (dd1 is not very good at it).

BlueBumedFly · 09/10/2009 20:55

OMG sorry but OTT. Wait till the change of schools at 11/12, then worry about nicks in a jumper. She most is most likely just trying out lots of different things, so she told you a fib, most likely because she could see the rage mounting and was too scared to tell the truth. She is too young to have a complete harness of cause and effect. I would not been quite so upset if I were you, good grief, the years ahead will hold a lot worse I am quite sure.

TheDailyWail · 09/10/2009 21:01

Aw Hoppity I feel the need to print out your post and stick it on the wall.

eleanorsmum - I'm sure you've done what Aitch said. Tomorrow will be fine.

I cna remember my brother cutting the tassles off the living room rug for no reason at all...he was 11

FlightAttendant · 09/10/2009 21:20

Eleanorsmum, I am really sorry you have both been through this tonight

Fwiw I haven't read all the comments but the first thing that strikes me is that she is obviously a bit unsettled because you're about to have a new baby. Even the most secure, happy, 'good' and so on child will be worried by this event - it's big, and she is afraid on some level that she is going to be less loved because of it.

LOTS of reassurance is needed, I have been through this with my two and it is hard work and does sometimes shock you and make you want to despair, but it DOES pass and within months they will have a GORGEOUS relationship that you could never even have imagined.

There may be a few mishaps along that path but really, try not to worry, she is just a normal little girl - did you ever do anything like this when you were about 5? I know I did!!

Hope you get some sleep xxxx

jellyfingers · 09/10/2009 21:54

think your self lucky it was only a jumper. my ds (aged 6) cut off all my dd (aged 3) hair down to her scalp.

piscesmoon · 09/10/2009 22:07

I don't think that it is anything to do with being unsettled, she is a little girl, experimenting with scissors-mine cut a lump out of his hair at that age. She realised what she had done and didn't want to own up-quite understandable. She won't do it again.

peanutbutterkid · 09/10/2009 22:33

DD went thru a chew-holes-in-sleeves-of-jumpers phase.
And she has snipped various clothing items with scissors.
So now she wears clothes with creative holes in them. Some things I spent a little time patching the sleeves. She'll get new clothes when she outgrows her current lot.
I don't have a problem with a few holes, neither does she. I'm quite pleased, really, that she's 8yo and only vaguely bothered about her appearance. She has lots of similarly-minded girl friends, too.

5inthetomb · 09/10/2009 22:39

My DS1 cut his jumper when he was in Reception. He apparently sat with his friend and they both cut the bottom of their own. I refused to buy him a new jumper, making him wear his cut jumper so he realised that he can't just cut his clothes. Didn't work though as the school just gave him a brand new one. They must have thought I was a really tough parent.

MaggieBehave · 09/10/2009 22:43

God yeah, normal!

my dd and her friend got a scissors at the coats onthe coat pegs... did about four of them. I just groaned you gotta expect it.

but when I was 34 wks pregnant and my then 3 year old spread my estee lauder fruition all over the wal I practiaclly had a breakdown there and then.

so i diagnose severe accute pregnancy...

MaggieBehave · 09/10/2009 22:45

"She told you the truth when she thought someone else would get into trouble"

bless her. she IS still the good kid you thought she was!! She's just five that's all!

JiminyCricket · 09/10/2009 22:52

give her a break. she's probably only really good all the time because you hit the roof over occasional stuff like this - of course I'd be cross, but you have to sigh and say 'well at least you've told the truth', so they are keener to tell the truth next time, not bloody terrified to tell you anything. explain its not ok to cut clothes and leave it at that. she won't do it again. kids have to learn by their own actions, not never make a mistake.

JiminyCricket · 09/10/2009 22:57

sorry, but its just really normal behaviour, not awful. and you sound pretty hard on yourself - ease up on the whole success/failure thing, she's doing ok, you're doing ok.

overmydeadbody · 09/10/2009 23:03

poor little eleanor

Glad to see the OP accepted that she was OTT

PlonkerCandleInAPumpkin · 09/10/2009 23:08

Ahhh Eleanorsmum, I hope you're feeling better xx

Yes, I'm with the rest of the posters, you did go OTT, but you know that now and my guess is that we've all done it at some point. I know I certainly have!!
You're only human ...and probably sleep-deprived and hormonal too Try not to dwell too much on it, tomorrow is another day.

pigletmania · 09/10/2009 23:09

Ott YABU kids do this all the time its hardly a biggy is it? No need to hit the roof and make your dd distressed over some small nicks in her jumper, i would rather have a happy kid with some nicks in her jumper than a sobbing kid. Yes get a grip, think it might be the pregnancy hormones

USERSRLOSERS · 10/10/2009 00:01

Your DH wrong about stopping swimming lesson excercise is not a treat like sweeties for
our kids it is a daily necessity. I admire you for teaching your little one not to lie but try saying that the bhaviour upsets you and not the child. Boost her morale a bit and tell her she is going to be a big sisterwhen new baby comes along and that will make her a Very Important Person, the poor thing is probably confused with your new baby so close,.. GOOD LUCK

purpleduck · 10/10/2009 00:15

Children are individuals. They are not our creations. They sometimes learn by making mistakes - like we all do - it is part of growing.
However, how you deal with this is part of your growth as a parent as well.
Nobody can be perfect all the time. Even your child.

snapple · 10/10/2009 00:33

I think it has all been said but pls don't stop her going to a swimming lesson over this.

TheLadyEvenstar · 10/10/2009 01:02

so she nipped a bit out of her jumper...oh well its hardly the end of the world..and it don't get any better. All kids do it, DS1 has scuffed his shoes within the last 4 weeks because he wanted kickers and not what i got him... yep that'll convince me won't it?
Oh and he has torn the strap off his rucksack in the hope i will buy another... that'll convinve me as well won't it?

oh yes and he is 11. SO they don't change. My mum works in a school and see's it regularly, dc chewing jumpers, picking soles of shoes, etc and no matter how many times they are asked not to they all go back to it.

Sew the jumper and let her wear it, fgs its not the end of the world and that punishment is way OTT.

FlightAttendant · 10/10/2009 06:20

Ok Ok calm down everyone - OP has had enough - this is one of those 'pile in and flame' threads, Eleanorsmum - we've most of us been the subject of one at some point, totally overwhelming and rather unfair.

Don't be upset, you only did your best, and I can guarantee you that everyone else on this thread has made some minor error in judgment at some stage

Hope you don't leave MN on account of this.

I seem to remember the one where I got massively flamed was to do with a four year old and a dummy.

Hope you feel better this morning xx

savoycabbage · 10/10/2009 07:39

Do you remember when "my naughty little sister" cut up the fabric, well material it was in those days, for her bridesmaids dress. She liked the snippy sound of the scissors.

maybebaby23 · 10/10/2009 08:44

I agree with flightattendant..hope you come back OP

Nobody is perfect, parenting seems to be one long guilt trip! Sometimes you just dont know what to do for the best.

Have a nice day today with your DD (if you are still reading this..prob not i don't blame you!)

starwhoreswonaprize · 10/10/2009 08:49

Make sure you have a lovely weekend, the great thing about mistakes as parents is that we get to try again and again!

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