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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I am just so angry tonight. DD age 5 has never done anything like this before! I feel such a failure. Sorry long.

119 replies

eleanorsmum · 09/10/2009 19:34

DD is 5 and a really good girl. Bright, loves life and school. I'm preg with no.2 due in 4.5 weeks. DD is sooooooooooooooo excited about the baby. I work at dd's school as a ta in her class mornings only (might not be relevant but thought i'd add it in). She is doing really well, just settled into year 1 no probs. She is a sensible girl and loved by many.

BUT today I picked her up from school as normal but when i strapped her into her car seat i noticed two small nicks in the bottom hem of her school jumper. I asked her what happeend and she said 'child n' did it. I asked how she did not notice him doing it adn she said i was concentrating. I was a little sceptical of this answer and told her we'd talk about it later as we had friends in the car coming for tea (adult and child). didn't want to cause a scene. Left it till after tea and they'd gone and we'd read her readingbook. So she's sat on my lap having cuddles and i asked her again about the cuts (i had earlier noticed another cut on the cuff). She told me again it was 'child n' and she had her jumper off behind her on the chair. I asked agin how she didn't notice it and she squrimed a bit. I then asked if she was telling the truth because she would be in more toruble if she was making up stories. Again she said it was 'child n'. I said ok I will need to ahve a chat with the teacher on monday and find out if she saw anything. I said she had till monday to decide if it was her or 'child n'. She then wobbled and said i think it was me! At this point i hit the roof! she has never lied about anything as serious as this beofre. I told her to go uopstairs straight to bed. I follwed her up and she is now sobbing her heart out. i got angry and cross with her. got her sorted for bed did her medications and then we talked again. I told her how angry i was with her for lying and not respecting her clothes, about mummy and daddy working hard for her toys and clothes and this was not good at all. Also how bad it would have been for mummy to go in on monday to confrotn someone else about cutting her clothes when it was her! She was genuinely sorry and disturbed by her behaviuor, told me she felt sick. I told her that was guilt. She hugged me and sobbed and told me she was so sorry. I told her she would lose half her pocket money each week till she had paid for a new jumper. Settled her inot bed and she's now asleep.

Came dwon and broke my heart with dh. neither of us can believe she lied about this or did it in the first place. I feel so angry and such a failure as a parent. my heart is going and i feel sick which i know is not good for th baby.

Have i issued a suitable punishment? and how can i stop feeling so crap as a parent right now? Thanks for reading and getting the end of this rant.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

izzybiz · 09/10/2009 19:47

Sorry but I think you're over reacting!

She is 5, she will do silly things without thinking about it, its what 5yos do!

My Dd is the same age, and tonight decided to write her name on the bathroom cabinet, she knows she shouldn't, I'm not going to question my ability as a parent.
I told her off for being silly and that was the end of that.

Don't beat yourself up over it, just explain why lies are bad and draw a line under it!

SmokingKnickers0nMahead · 09/10/2009 19:47

Stopping her pocket money (wtf anyway) AND stopping her swimming lesson.

Poor kid.

TheApprentice · 09/10/2009 19:47

If that's the worst DD has ever done consider yourself a lucky Mum! I'm an infant teacher and see this stuff happening all the time, quite normal to experiment with scissors, quite normal to try to blame it on someone else! What isnt normal is a child who never does anything "wrong".

MmeGoblindt · 09/10/2009 19:48

lal123 · 09/10/2009 19:48

Dear God if this makes you feel like a failure I dread to think how bad you re going to feel when she does something really wrong!! Give her and yourself a break!

Original poster

eleanorsmum · 09/10/2009 19:48

yes sleepinglion, we had big hug and i told her to forget about it for now, she had swimming in the morning to look forwards too.

I probably didn't use the right words when i said i hit the roof. I don't get that angry, i didn't shout or scream at her. i told her how sad i was and upset by her lying.

I know i'm lucky she's not done anything like theis before. I cam on here to let it all out and maybe get a hug from a like minded mum not to get beaten up about being ott.

OP posts:

Heated · 09/10/2009 19:49

Just start the tomorrow afresh. I went OTT at 5 yr old ds when I noticed there were no plastic yogurt spoons left and belatedly realised he'd thrown 3 weeks worth into the bin at school. God, the sobs of woe!

thisisyesterday · 09/10/2009 19:50

jeez, totally OTT imo.it was only a co9uple of nicks on a jumper and she is only 5.
she told the truth.

i can remember distinctly cutting a hole in my tights when i was the same age. I did it in front of my mum too!!! i knew it was wrong, but i just couldn't help myself.

impulse control in 5 year olds isn'tgreat.
ok, she did something a bit naughty, but she owned up (eventually) and i think you've been really harsh.

i think the problem with issuing big punishments like that is that if something like ithappens again she'll remember. and she won't want to own up!
punishing just makes them lie better IMO

louii · 09/10/2009 19:50

Way over the top reaction.

Apologise to her in the morning, and tell her its forgotten about as you know she wont do anything so silly again.

I think the way the poor child felt going to bed tonight is more than enough punishment.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 09/10/2009 19:51

You completely over reacted, but I think you've probably realised that by now. Most five year olds do this. All mine have done far worse with scissors than just a few nicks in a school jumper. What would worry me most about this whole scenario is not the cutting, nor even the lying which is completely normal (they wish they hadn't done it, so they try and convince themselves they haven't) - no what really worries me is the ridiculously high expectations you and your DH have of her behaviour. She is five. In her world the worst thing she could possibly do is make you angry with her. And when you extravagantly show your displeasure with her for what is, lets face it, a pretty minor incident then that's devastating for her. You feel "a failure as a parent". What kind of burden do you think you are putting on your poor child when you communicate that emotion to her - as you most certainly did.
You need to put this in perspective.You seem to be expecting perfection from her and that is a very, very dangerous game to play in terms of her long-term emotional wellbeing.

MmeGoblindt · 09/10/2009 19:51

I think it was your wording that set us all off. Sorry if I upset you.

She sounds really sweet and I am sure you are a fab mummy who just overreacted a bit.

Here, have some more chocolate.

Peabody · 09/10/2009 19:52

OP, I do feel for you, but if you didn't want our opinions, only unconditional sympathy, you probably shouldn't have asked us what we thought about it.

notnowbernard · 09/10/2009 19:52

I think we all go OTT about things from time to time,I know I do

LilianGish · 09/10/2009 19:53

Totally over the top - your poor dd. Hardly the most serious misdemeanour in the first place and if that's how you react I'm not surprised she didn't tell you the truth.

Original poster

eleanorsmum · 09/10/2009 19:54

thanks mmegoblindt, really need that choc right now. hromones are crap at this time of preg.

anytips on how to stop people posting about how i overreacted?

I GET IT! OTT!

I'm lucky blah blah blah.

enough, thanks all the same!

OP posts:

Slambang · 09/10/2009 19:54

get used to it eleanorsmum

If this mischief gets the pocket money cut etc etc etc then what are you going to do when she actually does something REALLY naughty. Make sure you leave yourself somewhere to go or you'll have run out of sanctions by the time she's 7.

Heated · 09/10/2009 19:55

3yr old dd automatically blames ds if she does something wrong, even when he's at school and it's only her and me in the house!

OP, you must really have a little angel if this is the extent of her naughtiness; I have a budding criminal or even MP .

Hoppity · 09/10/2009 19:55

hello eleanorsmum
the other posters are right, you are probably overreacting; hat your DD has done is really age appropriate misbehaviour.

I think you "hit the roof" because you do not expect her to behave like this. You say she is a "really good girl. Bright, loves life and school...doing really well, just settled into year 1 no probs. She is a sensible girl and loved by many." It seems like you have taken as a sign that you are a good parent all of the avove, that she's bright, loved by many, well-behaved. Whilst all goes well, it can be easy and comforting to think: it's all down to me and my superior parenting skills. It's easy to think the mothers of monsters are hopeless mothers getting it all wrong.

But there's the rub: as soon as something goes wrong, like this incident, you then blame yourself, feel like a crap parent, break your heart with DH and give wildly over the top punishments.

I suspect you do have a good little girl, but she may just be like that because that's the way she is, not really down to you (other than you gifted your genes to her ). So, I would take a bit less personal credit for her goodness....and a lot less beating yourself up because of this normal, relatively minor incident.

What she has done is normal. She is going to be good sometimes and naughty sometimes. By accepting the credit and plaudits as a parent for the goodness, you are setting yourself up for a severe fall when the inevitable naughtiness comes out.

But your pg, so hormones everywhere tonight. Have a cup of tea and have a lovely day with your DD tomorrow and forget about it.

messalina · 09/10/2009 19:56

She could have been scared of your reaction so she lied. I am sure all children do this from time to time. I used to cut my hair because I felt like it aged six. I'm sure this is similar sort of experimentation. Scissors are quite exciting when you are that age. Think it's actually quite amusing.

slimeoncrazydemon · 09/10/2009 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

eleanorsmum · 09/10/2009 19:58

thank you hoppity, that sums it up really well. have already decided to not mention it to anyone else and for tom to be normal day with her. we're meeting my brother for lunch which she is very excited about and will really be a nice day for all.

OP posts:

moondog · 09/10/2009 20:01

Jesus Christ.

Poor kid.

Absolutely barking reaction.

So bloody what?

slimeoncrazydemon · 09/10/2009 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MmeGoblindt · 09/10/2009 20:02

Eleanorsmum
Hide this thread now. So many posters will just read the OP and will not have seen that you accept that your response was too strong.

Go and have some chocolate. Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy, I will be looking out for your birth announcement.

MmeGoblindt · 09/10/2009 20:03

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