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Original poster

I am just so angry tonight. DD age 5 has never done anything like this before! I feel such a failure. Sorry long.

119 replies

eleanorsmum · 09/10/2009 19:34

DD is 5 and a really good girl. Bright, loves life and school. I'm preg with no.2 due in 4.5 weeks. DD is sooooooooooooooo excited about the baby. I work at dd's school as a ta in her class mornings only (might not be relevant but thought i'd add it in). She is doing really well, just settled into year 1 no probs. She is a sensible girl and loved by many.

BUT today I picked her up from school as normal but when i strapped her into her car seat i noticed two small nicks in the bottom hem of her school jumper. I asked her what happeend and she said 'child n' did it. I asked how she did not notice him doing it adn she said i was concentrating. I was a little sceptical of this answer and told her we'd talk about it later as we had friends in the car coming for tea (adult and child). didn't want to cause a scene. Left it till after tea and they'd gone and we'd read her readingbook. So she's sat on my lap having cuddles and i asked her again about the cuts (i had earlier noticed another cut on the cuff). She told me again it was 'child n' and she had her jumper off behind her on the chair. I asked agin how she didn't notice it and she squrimed a bit. I then asked if she was telling the truth because she would be in more toruble if she was making up stories. Again she said it was 'child n'. I said ok I will need to ahve a chat with the teacher on monday and find out if she saw anything. I said she had till monday to decide if it was her or 'child n'. She then wobbled and said i think it was me! At this point i hit the roof! she has never lied about anything as serious as this beofre. I told her to go uopstairs straight to bed. I follwed her up and she is now sobbing her heart out. i got angry and cross with her. got her sorted for bed did her medications and then we talked again. I told her how angry i was with her for lying and not respecting her clothes, about mummy and daddy working hard for her toys and clothes and this was not good at all. Also how bad it would have been for mummy to go in on monday to confrotn someone else about cutting her clothes when it was her! She was genuinely sorry and disturbed by her behaviuor, told me she felt sick. I told her that was guilt. She hugged me and sobbed and told me she was so sorry. I told her she would lose half her pocket money each week till she had paid for a new jumper. Settled her inot bed and she's now asleep.

Came dwon and broke my heart with dh. neither of us can believe she lied about this or did it in the first place. I feel so angry and such a failure as a parent. my heart is going and i feel sick which i know is not good for th baby.

Have i issued a suitable punishment? and how can i stop feeling so crap as a parent right now? Thanks for reading and getting the end of this rant.

OP posts:
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mice · 09/10/2009 20:05

But her 5 yr old did damage - ruin (I'm not sure) her school jumper. These things are expensive and she needs to know that is wrong - she should tell the truth and she can't do it again.
I think the over reaction here is really in worrying about your parenting skills etc - your little girl will be fine, you didn't scream at her or hit her - you told her she shouldn't lie and she had been naughty. She was upset because she knows this and doesn't want to make you annoyed with her. Seems perfectly sensible to me. Still thinking people are being too harsh on you and I send even more chocolate as I think you need it

slimeoncrazydemon · 09/10/2009 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Dumbledoresgirl · 09/10/2009 20:07

Gosh, I am horrendously old school strict, but I have to say eleanorsmum, your reaction would make me look like a liberal parent. I think I would have had a moan about the jumper being ruined and the waste of money needed to replace it, but the fact that the child lied would not have occurred to me as it is absolutely normal for children to lie their way out of situations. The pocket money thing is over the top too. I don't know how much pocket money your child gets, but my 6 yo gets 50p a week and a school sweatshirt is £8.50 I believe, so on the basis of paying 25p a week, my child would be paying for a new jumper for 34 weeks!

Lose some face and drop the paying for the jumper idea please!

hippipotamiHasLost69lbs · 09/10/2009 20:08

Agree with MmeGoblindt, hide the thread, forget all about it and have a nice weekend

We all over react at times, and we all have children who do daft things at times. That does not make us bad parents. It just makes us parents.

[would offer you a glass of wine but you are pregnant emoticon]

maybebaby23 · 09/10/2009 20:15

Have a hug from me. I get things wrong sometimes and feel shite too, but my DD is my whole life, the most important thing in the world to me and she knows it no matter what. Im sure it is the same with you and your DD. I would be pretty annoyed too if i were you. It's over now, look forward to a nice day together tomorrow and try to put it behind you. I know if i feel bad about my reactions or whatever, it stays with me for days. That doesn't help just makes you feel like a rubbish mum . DD will be fine tomorrow. Hope you are ok.

unfitmother · 09/10/2009 20:16

Glad I read thread first, I was going to tell you you'd overeacted!
Have some more chocolate and give DD a kiss in the morning.

FABIsInTraining · 09/10/2009 20:19

I have only read the OP but you were being completely ott. It is a pain when clothes get ruined, my 8 year old has put through three pairs of trousers already this term, but stuff like this happens.

Your intentions were good but you over egged the pudding and I actually think she will find it harder to tell you stuff in the future.

unfitmother · 09/10/2009 20:21

NO!!

Don't just read OP!

electra · 09/10/2009 20:22

Oh fgs - I feel sorry for your dd I have a dd your age - if she did this, ok I wouldn't be happy exactly but hey she is 5 years old, not much more than a baby! You have been very, very harsh.

This stands out

'I then asked if she was telling the truth because she would be in more toruble if she was making up stories.'

No wonder she was afraid to tell you the truth!

MmeGoblindt · 09/10/2009 20:23

Fab
read the thread and have some chocolate with us. You can even share my wine

FABIsInTraining · 09/10/2009 20:25

I have read the whole thread unfitmother. What is with the shouting?

Ta for the choccy MmeG .

AitchTwoToTangOh · 09/10/2009 20:25

aaaw, you poor thing. you must feel so shitty, can't you creep into her room and give her a cuddle? even if you just whisper into her ear how much you love her and you're sorry that you lost your temper (and repeat how much you're looking forward to going swimming etc).

she'll hear you in her sleep, and you'll feel better, you freaky big pregnant lady.

thirtysomething · 09/10/2009 20:27

I think I would be wondering why she had done this and how she had managed to do it during class time unnoticed....that would have me questioning rather than blaming I think. However she does also need to understand that it was wrong and that if she is worried about stuff at school she needs to tell someone rather than express herself on her jumper.

fishie · 09/10/2009 20:27

hoppity that is a very lovely post.

duckyfuzz · 09/10/2009 20:27

agree with DG and moondog fwiw

MmeGoblindt · 09/10/2009 20:30

Aw, Aitch. You soppy person. That made me well up.

I am going to need more chocolate if this keeps up

notnowbernard · 09/10/2009 20:31

"Wondering how she did it at school"

Mine would probably have done something like that during Golden Time and labelled it an "art and craft" activity

labyrinthine · 09/10/2009 20:31

Did you over react because you are worried about the effect of the baby on her?

Don't worry she'll be fine.

Watch out for fringe cutting though ~ my dd[now 16] cut her fringe down to the roots at this age to make it tidy

AitchTwoToTangOh · 09/10/2009 20:32

mmmmmmff. thanks.

(i am FOREVER creeping into dd1's room and apologising... never let the sun go down on an argument and all that. )

FABIsInTraining · 09/10/2009 20:33
messalina · 09/10/2009 20:35

Messsalina's DH here,
I'm sorry, but you are being mad. Hats off to her for cutting her jumper and trying to blame some boy. This is just the sort of tactic she will no doubt employ throughout life. I am full of admiration for her for catching on the battle of the sexes so early, she will go far. She is obviously highly intelligent and possibly a bit dangerous, something to be nurtured. Perhaps she will be a spy some day, or more likely a politician. If you cut her pocket money she might come straight for your Burberry poncho with her safety scissors.

notnowbernard · 09/10/2009 20:35

Aitch - I too have done the creeping in thing too (not about burns images though)

But it riddles me with even more guilt when I look at their gourgeous little faces and remember the shrieking banshee I was hours earlier

preciouslillywhite · 09/10/2009 20:38

OP- if you're still here, I did something very similar when I was 5. I absent mindedly coloured in some (alright then, most) of the white squares on my kilt with a felt tip pen.

When I realised with horror what I'd done, I went in to my mum and told her my sister had done it.

It took her seconds to see through my tissue of lies, and she gave me a far worse telling off than you gave your dd. If my mum had not been a sworn atheist she would have consigned me to the fires of hell forever. I think I probably got a slap as well.

And I am now a perfectly well adjusted human being.

ellieloooooooooooooween · 09/10/2009 20:42

Sorry I think you over reacted too, but I am sure we all do at times. My DD1 is also 5 and is very clever, well mannered, has a heart of gold, would do anything for anyone but I am under no illusions that she can be a little monster when she wants and she does push me to the limit at times . What I say to DD1 if she is being vague about something (I know when she is lying and trying not to get in trouble) is I ask her to tell me the truth and I say I may get a bit angry but I still love her lots, she usually does come clean, but they are still little at 5.

Goblinchild · 09/10/2009 20:43

I still treasure the moment that a parent asked me if her daughter could see the Ed Psych, because she was convinced that there was something very wrong.
When it was discussed, turned out that her daughter, who had been perfection itself up until this moment had...refused to go shopping with mum because she was watching her TV programme. The incredibly lucky parent had got her child to the age of 6 1/2 before this happened and she was distraught, because she thought her child was unique in this.
No, I didn't laugh.
And the daughter is now a lovely but typical 14 year old, and the parents a little more worldly.
So, OP, this is the first time your daughter has done something exploratory that damaged stuff and you were shocked. But now you know that it's a normal phase, and she's not dammed and you've had chocolate so normality resumes until the next time.
being the parent of a boy who was often in trouble, some of which he deserved, I'd be more bothered about the name-and-blame myself.
I used to cut sample patches out of things at that age, from sneaky spots. I was outraged when my mum gave me a walloping and confiscated my box.