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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

5yr old ds almost runied hols!Advice needed please

34 replies

parker1313 · 30/08/2009 16:34

My ds has started to get very very frustrated when he really wants to do something but cant do it.
eg Wanted to boogie board in the sea but it was too cold.He pulled the most unusual tantram and would not go in or would not give up.We just didnt know how to deal with it.He became very rude and uncontrollable.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Reallytired · 30/08/2009 16:43

That is typical five year old boy behaviour. It does seem a bit of an exageration to say "5yr old ds almost runied hols".

It might be worth getting him a cheap wetsuit if you go to the beach a lot.

Miggsie · 30/08/2009 18:05

He was probably frightened...my friends were boogie boarding (we all had wetsuits) their 5 yo boy ran to the sea, got drenched by a wave and ran back crying and then went on to make a sandcastle. My 5 y o girl took one look at the sea and said "too wavy" and built a sand castle.

Friends carried on boogie boarding and I supervised the sand castle.

My DD used to want to do things we were doing but then got very upset at trying to do it (swimming, painting, horse riding). You have to take them in really slowly, as rationally they want to be like their mummy and daddy but they are only 5 so they get a "fear of the unknown" thing and then once they become emotional they can't calm down.

They are not rational beings at 5 and you can't reason with them once they get emotional...lots of cuddles and "we'll try another day" and "yes, it is scary when you start" etc etc to clam them down and don't try to get them to do it again till he is a bit older.

For instance we went to a cave and DD said it sounded good...then she realised it was dark and echoey and strange and she became frightened. You just have to take them away from the activity at that point and do something non threatening.

you may be expecting too much of him.

sunburntats · 30/08/2009 18:15

ahh mine is like this, he is just 6.
its almost like he is possessed! no amount of talking or coaxing will get through to him.

SO based on that,we kina walk away and leave him to it.
dont even try to communicate with him.Cant get through.
when he has burned out me or dh say "do you need a cuddle, or are you ok now" usually he does.
we make friends, and start again.
later, even some times at bedtime, we have a talk about his day. we go over the fun things and not so fun things that have happened in the day.

i feel you pain, but you just gotta ride the storm i spose.

smee · 30/08/2009 20:23

I am sympathetic, honest but if that's the only tantrum like that you've had from your darling five year old, then I think you're quite lucky...

hercules1 · 30/08/2009 20:25

It does sound like you've had it easy so far .

hercules1 · 30/08/2009 20:25

It does sound like you've had it easy so far .

mathanxiety · 30/08/2009 21:53

If he wants to do something that's not going to kill him, just make him really cold and wet, why not let him go ahead? He will learn like babies learn what 'hot' means what 'too cold' means and it won't kill him. Next time he wants to go out in the snow in his pjs, for example, you can remind him how cold the boogie board thing was, and then let him out if he still insists. He will eventually start listening to reason, but some DCs need to try everything before they understand what you're talking about.

Original poster

parker1313 · 31/08/2009 08:14

Yes he was definitely frightened and we took a very gentle approach with him as we always have.He will not give up.He got wet and said it was too cold but would not just except that and do something else.He continued to ask for help but then when we said that you need to go a bit further in he refused to do it.He just kept screaming at us to help him.I mean screaming.He made so much noise Iv never seen him like this before.He was in a rage.
Reallytired-Its not an exxageration to say he almost ruined the holiday.I dont mean him personally but the stress of his frustration did.It was very upsetting.We did not show this to our ds.It really did get us down though.
I just need to know how to actually deal with this and say the right things.

OP posts:

Original poster

parker1313 · 31/08/2009 08:21

The boogie borading is just an example.He behaved like this nearly every day.
We suggested doing other stuff and then walking away but he went absolutely crazy in front of the hole beach.Everyone was looking.I just need advice on how to deal with it.
Do I walk away and what point do i walk away?
As a child and now as an adult I give up on things I struggle with very early on.I just think "I cant do it!!"
I really dont want my kids to end up like this.

OP posts:

GreatUncleBulgaria · 31/08/2009 08:23

This is what 5 year olds do I'm afraid, my DS gets what we call stampy where he folds his arms, screws his face up and stamps round ranting that he hates his life. Have learned to ignore it then there comes a time when he is ready to communicate again when it is out of his system.

I think they get these feelings of anger which they don't know how to deal with and it scares them a bit. In time they will learn and become a bit more rational (hopefully).

Original poster

parker1313 · 31/08/2009 08:29

I just dont know what to say to him.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 31/08/2009 08:35

first of all, don't give a stuff about people looking - if that is the worst they've ever seen then they've had quite a sheltered life

i think the ages of 5 and 6 for boys is quite hard
stop thinking along the lines of "i must sort this out now or when he is an adult he will still be....."
he is 5
it's just a phase
he'll be doing something else to drive you mad next year
just be gentle but firm, and sympathise but point out what behaviour you expect - ie. let him calm down, then point out that he should not be screaming and shouting when you are trying to help him
then move on from it

i bet he was tired and over excited from being on holiday - it always sets them off
late nights and new surroundings and too much ice cream
being a 5 year old boy is quite hard i think
they are starting to be very aware of the expectations that sociey has for boys and men, and they really can't live up to them all the time
the frustration and anger and sadness is quite normal
just try to be a strong supportive presence for him
and really, stop worrying about what other people are thinking

GreatUncleBulgaria · 31/08/2009 08:35

I'd wait until he stops the original ranting, I tend to put a hand on DS's shoulder to reassure him but then get him to discuss what he is getting cross about, putting in somewhere along the line that his behaviour is unacceptable and coming up with suggestions to resolve the situation he is getting cross about - though sometimes there is no resolution as he is being utterly unreasonable.

GreatUncleBulgaria · 31/08/2009 08:39

Franny has hit the nail on the head and said what I think but couldn't get typed from my iPod!

franklymydear · 31/08/2009 08:42

I'd have grabbed his hand dragged him (kicking and screaming if need be) up or off the beach put him somewhere quieter (nobody around) and told him that it is his choice to calm down and when he calms down I will help you.

I would encourage him to breathe deeply but I would leave him alone, possibly prompting him with a couple of "when you calm down we can talk"

The reason I'd remove him is that it was the sea that was driving him wild. The same would happen with any situation - get him away from the thing that's winding him up first then leave him alone to choose to calm down.

Sometimes the short, sharp shock of a slap to the bum helps too but I can guess how that'll be reacted to here LOL

LadyHooHa · 31/08/2009 08:52

Blimey, my DS is 7, and has been as you describe since he was two. You are lucky to have had five years without this kind of thing. I think I'd have gone for frankly's technique myself - but after years of this kind of thing, your patience wears thin.

Don't worry about what other people think, though. Anyone who's had children knows that they can all be a pain at times, and will sympathise. Anyone who hasn't had children (or considerable experience of them) really isn't entitled to have an opinion about how to deal with them.

mumandlovingit · 31/08/2009 08:55

franklymydear agree with you completely

hercules1 · 31/08/2009 09:49

Can I just add that I know for a fact that dds are also capable of such loud tantrums!

hercules1 · 31/08/2009 09:50

franklymydear has hit the nail on the head with her advice.

Purplepanettone · 31/08/2009 09:58

I don't agree with Frankly's advice. Some children can't calm themselves down easily, especially if this behaviour hasn't been modelled for them and by their parents (not saying it hasn't OP). I would have thought that trying to emphasise and verbalise as an adult what the problem was would have popped the bubble and calmed him down much quicker.

I know it is easier said than done and I do think that ages 5-6 are quite hormone ridden times for boys.

LadyoftheBathtub · 31/08/2009 09:58

We often use distraction when our 4yo DS gets like this - DP is great at it - he'll say something like "On the way here I saw a museum with a ship in it/rockpool/rock that might have fossils in/etc, I'd really like to go back and find it" (or anything that DS would find interesting, if there's nothing then he'll suggest a snack in a cafe etc)

Works best with a bit of reverse psychology eg "You don't have to come DS, I don't mind going by myself" - results in DS immediately forgetting what he's obsessing over and begging to come.

I think when they're that age they just don't know how to snap out of it. The more you engage and argue, the worse it gets because they have to argue back and don't know how to calm down. I feel for you, have been there many times but if you can step in with a distraction before it gets too bad, it can often be sorted.

piscesmoon · 31/08/2009 10:08

I think it is quite normal-he is little and not able to deal with the frustration. My DS aged 5 had a mega tantrum because he couldn't skim stones like his father-another one had a mega tantrum aged 5 because he got sand in his sandwich (we could be an unpleasant family to sit next to on a beach!!). It didn't spoil the holiday. Ignore completely-they run out of steam eventually.

piscesmoon · 31/08/2009 10:11

If I see a DC out having a tantrum I just think 'been there, done that and got the Tshirt!'-don't worry about it.I am just very pleased that we have got through that stage.

IdrisTheDragon · 31/08/2009 10:17

I agree that being a 5 year old boy looks like it is pretty difficult sometimes (being a nearly 4 year old girl also seems to be tricky too ).

When DS gets worked up about something it is generally impossible to reason with him. Afterwards it can be done but it is during the rage that I occasionally wish I could be somewhere/anywhere else. Try not to think about whatever anyone else is doing/thinking - if they have small children they will probably think "oh well at least it's not mine this time" and if not then what they're thinking isn't important.

They need reassurance that everything is all right and they are loved completely. While the tantrum is happening I will try distraction, being daft, giving a hug, moving a bit of a distance away but do sometimes end up shouting. Doesn't generally work!

CommonNortherner · 31/08/2009 11:45

If he was screaming at you to help him why didn't you?? No wonder he got so upset, I mean a combination of all the excitement of holiday, a bit of fear, and the thought that your parents aren't listening to you never mind not helping you when you ask for it...

I think for future if he starts getting wound up you might want to also have a think to see if there is anything the adults are doing to exacerbate the situation. If not, what works with my five year old ds is to speak very firmly and factually that he needs to explain what is wrong and that we can't currently understand him. But he also knows that his parents will never force him into doing an activity he doesn't yet feel ready for.

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