what to do with a free spirit who WILL NOT even try on school uniform

[jamsandwich]

Help, help, HELP!
PFB dd, turns 4 on 31st August, then starts school a few days later. Quite reasonably thinks school uniform is awful (bottle green and grey, why oh why?!) I bought it all nice and early as she has always had strong views on clothing and needs a looooong time to come round to new things. But we have made absolutely zilcho progress. To the extent of not even trying things on, so who knows if they even fit.

She has anxieties anyway about school, so I can just see that we will have the most almighty row on the first day about what she will wear, which will make everything even more difficult.

So, questions for the school old-timers:

1. how pragmatic are schools about dresss code for first few weeks (surely some stripey pink socks wouldn't make her fail her GCSE's later on down the line?)

2. and what top tips do you have for trying to overcome this little hitch?

My ideas so far are: sewing on some pretty buttons or beads - not found any that make the grade yet, apparently, but still feeling hopeful/ Dragging her round to see some poor friend wearing her uniform before term starts - not holding out much hope as she won't ever wear trousers, short sleeves or skirts despite having seen endless friends wearing them/ running away and leaving dh to deal with it...

thanks for any helpful thoughts/ similar expereinces (I can't be the only one?!)

A discrete button is a great idea. It's amazing how sometimes little ones can be completely converted to loving something with just a tiny touch that makes them special

Well done if you've found a solution!

We had something similar with our dd. She too is only just 4 ( and was very premature). She was quite sure that she didn't like the colour black (for the trousers and skirt). My mum came up with the idea of buying her 'special' school underwear in whatever extravagant colours she wanted. She seems quite happy to be wearing black trousers as long as she has her pink knickers and socks!
Hope this helps,
Kim

jamsandwich don't get put off...I also thought some of the responses were a bit - eg dragging her in in her jim jams!-but then I think uniform issues always get a pretty strong response on here!

As I say don't let it put you off...I find mn is like Mum Wikipedia and an invaluable resource. Just wish I'd found it 5 years ago when my twins were babies!

I agree preciouslillywhite come back jamsandwhich. I would love to talk with you some time about SM. It may be helpful to share how reception year goes for you. My dd goes into year two this year and is a little better but if you need support over this time some of us may be able to help.

Jamsandwich - I am so pleased to hear that you are making progress with your little girl, I know how huge progress that is. I am sorry if I sounded like I was poking my nose in, you had been attacked by so many people just telling you to get on with it that I felt maybe some deeper understanding of the situation may have got you some deserved sympathy for your situation.

Sensory issues are a very real and difficult problem to overcome and I wanted to extend a reassuring hand to you.

Anyway, I apologise again, best of luck for her starting school....

Jolly good idea that button jamsandwich i am sorry for my tutu comment

There is no legislation that deals specifically with school uniforms, which are a matter for individual schools. A school's uniform policy is generally the responsibility of its board of governors2 but is subject to guidance from education authorities.
School governors are free to introduce a compulsory school uniform policy if they wish.
I know it's difficult and she is very young but sometime you just have to be firm no matter what extenuating circumstances there are.

Ds had meltdown on his first day of school over uniform. It helped that he had worn a simple version of it at nursery, but he refused to put the other stuff on. I decided that it was more important to get him into school than fight over uniform. He is not good in new situations and takes a while to settle into things.

After a few weeks when he saw the other children in it and would do anything for his lovely teacher she told him thaT IT WOULD MAKE HER VERY HAPPY if he came wearing his full uniform for harvest festival.

From then on he loved it.

I agree it's more important the child is actually in class than what they are wearing. I've even had one child arrive in pyjamas because she wouldn't dress for her mum.

HA-ha, well, am I glad my dc will still not wear uniforms after 2 and 4 years of school despite everyone else wearing it. Well, sometimes they do. Rules ha-ha.
Forcing 4 y old to wear uniforms, amazing

As have mentioned before, all sympathies to OP. But you sound like a great example to your dc, thirdname

Send your kids to a school that doesn't insist on them, if you feel that strongly - but why let your kids think that it is not ok to follow school rules. You're setting yourself or your kids up for huge problems later.

well STC, that is your opinion but not mine. At work we have also rules, some will follow them without thinking, some will NOT use them if there are better ways to do things.
I understood (from Mumsnet )that no primary schools have to have uniforms. I am also aware as are my children that sec sachool will be different.

I think it absolutely ridiculous to force a 4 y old as in OP to wear uniforms when they already are anxious about starting school. I think it would be absolutely the wrong message to give children and would be worried about them not likeing school when they are older.

thirdname you understand wrongly from mumsnet that no primary schools have to have uniforms it is up to the governors of individual schools to decide to adopt a compulsory school uniform.

As already mentioned thirdname, I did not suggest that the OP forces her child to do anythin, given her circumstances. But feeling chuffed because your children will not conform to a completely benevolent rule that just engenders a sense of belonging to a community - a little precious I think.

Custardo I love you. And I agree too

well alright then - peeping round the door - you are all being very sweet now. I thought I'd get a mouthful for seeming huffy, tbh!

I've got some really good ideas coming through, thank you. I LOVE the fancy pants suggestion, Ashfordgirl, nice one. (although we're just going through the nightmare of trying to get her into the next size of pants and socks and saying goodbye to some very dear friends that are starting to dig in in unfortunate places. why don't shops make the same designs for years? Or rather, why didn't I buy every size in the favoured designs. I guess it takes a long time to learn...)

usernametaken - book is great idea. we've already made a folder of pics of school/ teachers etc so it would fit perfectly. islandofsodor - that sounjds like a good one too.

Barmymummy - please don't apologise, not remotely nosey, I think I phrased my response wrongly. I was really chuffed you'd raised the sensory thing. I thought it would be TMI in original post

Araminta - yes please, would love to find the other SM DD parents. I post on SMIRA, don't know if you go there too? But I find it's really hit and miss with getting responses, especially during the summer. MNers are a much more up for it group! I've been really trying to gather some interest from other reception SM newbies/ ks1 but not got much back.

and thanks for all the lovely apologies, you're all just big softies really!

jamsandwich I'm a little confused has your daughter got special needs and are the school /class teacher aware of these?

Sorry, sidetracking from OP,Mrz, you often seem to know a lot about school stuff that others have misconceptions about. So is there no difference then between primary and seconday schools, especially as regards to "sanctions" for not wearing uniforms?

From this thread earlier:

"State primaries can't insist on uniform, though they may pretend they can. "

Mrz:
"There is no legislation that deals specifically with school uniforms, which are a matter for individual schools. A school's uniform policy is generally the responsibility of its board of governors2 but is subject to guidance from education authorities.
School governors are free to introduce a compulsory school uniform policy if they wish."

I don't think that a primary school is going to make a big thing with a parent who is anti uniform. The parent ought to consider the fact that the only person they are hurting is their own DC-they are also getting themselves into the position of staff room joke and the parent to be avoided.It is much better for all to work in partnership.
The word 'free spirit' always makes me smile, it implies that the rest are not.

thirdname you can find the information re school uniforms www.teachernet.gov.uk/management/atoz/u/uniform/

I did just read through some schoolgovenors' stuff, and came accross Mrz paragraph, and as the document was for both prim and sec school, I presume the answer of my question is "no, there is no difference as such between prim and sec school".

(I don't think I'm hurting my dc. They can wear uniforms if they want, and sometimes do. I don't care about staffroom jokes and hurree if they want to avoid me)

OK so you have 2 weeks. She will have to wear her uniform if its school policy, however Im sure they wouldnt mind pink socks for a few weeks if the rest of her uniform was on.

I understand that this is a very big step for you and your DD and you getting worked up is going to make her get more worked up.

What I would do is this.

Go out and buy some lovely stickers and make a star chart

day one she tries her socks on. once shes tried them on, she can take them off again. Give her loads of praise, put stickers on the chart and then go and do something fun.

day two do the same with her shoes. Go really over the top with the praise, stickers tell her how proud you are of her. Make sure you go and do something really fun

day three Blouse, dont worry if she doesnt want to fasten the buttons, as long as she tries it on. Praise, stickers, fun.

Carry this on for the next 2 weeks, gradually building up the time she wears the clothes and the amount of clothes she wears so she is eventually is wearing the whole uniform.

Let your DD know that when she has filled all the star chart with stickers there will be a prize for her, ie a small toy, day out, trip to swimming baths.

Maybe the last day of the chart should be the first day of school which will take some of the pressure off you getting her ready the first day, making loads of fuss over filling the chart and getting a prize.

Good Luck. I would say this will definatly work if you go slow and go really over the top with praise and stickers. You might find that she will put the whole uniform on after 1 week. However if she does, I would urge you to carry on with the chart anyway, by increasing the time she wears it or even going to the shops in it, as it will help her feel more comfortable on her first day.

By choosing to send your child to a particular school, you are agreeing to abide by the rules, that's why schools send out all the policies etc before new kids start.

I agree that uniform doesn't seem like the most important issue when starting primary school, but there is a massive difference between choosing your battles with a young child and having a blasé attitude to all school rules.

As a secondary school teacher it's all too easy to predict which pupils will be a nightmare to get GCSE coursework off; those who flout more minor rules with the agreement of their parents right from the start.

Btw, I don't mean to imply the OP will have a blasé attitude to all rules!

I hate school uniform too - I think it says something deeply horrible about our society that we want to suppress the natural colourfulness and fun self-expression of small children from age 4. It's not necessary to engender a sense of community - plenty of countries with much happier children and better educational records than us manage without it - and like carmen I worry about what that kind of attitude does to naturally creative and expressive children. I get so mad when there's some news report about some poor lad being suspended for having long or dyed hair etc. Why the hell shouldn't he, what does that have to do with his learning ability or sense of community? Gah. It's just teaching children to shun and exclude anyone a bit different. Nice.

However like most people I do intend to send my DS to school and I'm ready to teach him that school expects him to fit in, and help him to see uniform as part of the excitement of it all, to try to make it easier for him. I think with all these tips you will be able to help her to accept it and it will fade into less of an issue.

But if you do have a spirited/authority-questioning/logical child who objects to this kind of thing, I wouldn't hesitate to reassure them that it is a bit silly and unnecessary, the school insists on it and you have to do it but you can point out how daft it is. I like the idea of "hidden" rebellion like the underwear. Though she does have to learn to conform on the surface, I'd try to help her keep her individuality and questioning attitudes because ultimately they will help her go further than sheep-like conformity.