what to do with a free spirit who WILL NOT even try on school uniform

[jamsandwich]

Help, help, HELP!
PFB dd, turns 4 on 31st August, then starts school a few days later. Quite reasonably thinks school uniform is awful (bottle green and grey, why oh why?!) I bought it all nice and early as she has always had strong views on clothing and needs a looooong time to come round to new things. But we have made absolutely zilcho progress. To the extent of not even trying things on, so who knows if they even fit.

She has anxieties anyway about school, so I can just see that we will have the most almighty row on the first day about what she will wear, which will make everything even more difficult.

So, questions for the school old-timers:

1. how pragmatic are schools about dresss code for first few weeks (surely some stripey pink socks wouldn't make her fail her GCSE's later on down the line?)

2. and what top tips do you have for trying to overcome this little hitch?

My ideas so far are: sewing on some pretty buttons or beads - not found any that make the grade yet, apparently, but still feeling hopeful/ Dragging her round to see some poor friend wearing her uniform before term starts - not holding out much hope as she won't ever wear trousers, short sleeves or skirts despite having seen endless friends wearing them/ running away and leaving dh to deal with it...

thanks for any helpful thoughts/ similar expereinces (I can't be the only one?!)

Tis a weird system ye have, over here the parents choose when to send them.

dd starts this year but my friends lo starts next year, they're 3 weeks apart in age (jan/feb birthdays)

Her lo will start the same year as ds1 now, there's almost 18 months between them!

In dd's class the youngest will be just over 4, the oldest 5.5 starting.

stonethecrows,
I agree it would be unreasonable for school staff to change the child. It is a different matter for parent to change the child on school premises. It is better to get the child to school against their will in p-js than not attend at all.

When my son was four and did not cooperate with dressing in the morning, I did threaten to take him to school as he was. The threat worked because he knew I was serious and was fully prepared to carry out the threat.

The problem that many "free spirited" children have is that they are used to winning in battles against the parent. In life there are many situations were you just have to conform. I think that many reception teachers would be relieved that a "free spirited" child has a firm parent who isn't prepared to be walked all over.

Sorry, I've just read that she has anxiety issues. Can you not hold her back a year? I know it's different in Ireland, but don't you have any say in it yourself?

If she lived in Ireland you wouldn't be able to send her unless she was already 4 and 2 months on 1st september.

BEing only JUST four by the skin of her teeth, and anxiety issues too, I'd wait 'til next year to send her to school.

PinkTulips, after 15 years in England, when I got back here, initially, I thought people were being really 'soft' and a bit odd (!) holding their kids back! but my own dc1 was ready for school at 4, so what did I know? hard to imagine until a few years later, along comes your next child, now four and nowhere NEAR ready for school!!! I get it.

The parent KNOWS.

maggie.. that's not strictly true, individual schools have differant policies, i've heard of one child going into junior infants still aged 3

I agree though, surely if she's not ready you can just keep her back..... they're hardly going to come in all guns blazing to drag a barely 4 year old with social issues into the school. Haven't i read on here before that legally they have to be in school at 5, it's not illegal to keep them home til then... alot could change in a year.

I agree that the parent knows. Children should start school when they are ready.

Unfortunately its the law of the land to send your child to school (or home educate) and next to impossible to defer in England.

My August baby dd2 started having a tizzy every time dd1 was dropped off at school, wanting to stay and play there. By the time she was 3, she was at nursery full time and then transitioned into reception. Her choice completely.

That said, she has still struggled since with being less mature in some ways than her peers. I still felt a little anxious/guilty about it and wouldn't push a 4 year old who isn't ready to go to school full time. Better imo to ease them in gently with part time school for example.

Regarding uniform...

I was watching this American extreme sports competition (bear with me) the other day and there was this skateboarder who was absolutely amazing to watch with long dreads down his back, ripped jeans, the lot - and bags of confidence. And it got me thinking.

I went to an all-girls school with a horrible uniform for big portion of my school life and hated every second. It was all about conformity and fitting in. You were made to feel guilty for ever having an individual thought or idea, or ever trying to express your feelings.

I really wonder what we're doing to our children by suppressing them like that. Some children in particular, I think it can lead to great internal conflict at a time when they're trying to figure out who they are and the school are trying to make them conform to the rest of the pack.

I can't imaging that skateboarder in the sort of school I went to in a blazer and horrible grey trousers and short hair. Imagining how he'd be treated and his confidence would be challenged at every turn.

I do love the US uniform-free system. My girls wear skorts and t-shirts most days, or a dress if they're feeling like it. Sometimes jeans if it's cold. But I find it's really good for them to pick out their clothes and plan what they'll wear, rather than just bunging on some minging maroon or green polyester. (And much cheaper! A whole selection of $4 skorts instead of a manky 40 quid grey skirt!)

jamsandwich my dd has social anxiety and selective mutism amongst other things. We also had a probelm with uniform at first. She is now 6 and just wears it happily. Does your dd have friends from nursery starting at the same time. We found walking in together helps a lot. On the first day of school she wore a plain navy blue dress because i could not get her into the pinafore without huge distress. The teachers were not amused. I would plan ahead and get her to try it on now rather than just do it on the day. Good luck with school let us know how it goes.

I agree Carmen I wish we had no uniform.

I feel so sorry for her.. she's three now and starting full time school in August? Poor thing. I wouldn't insist on the uniform, though normally I would be with custardo, but this is just ridiculous.

in september

nincompoop

Jamsandwich You seriously need to get a grip of your daughter now ... 'cause when she's 13 and ruling your roost. you'll be gutted ! A uniform is there to ensure all children 'appear' equal. Sewing on pretty buttons and 'tarting' it up is undermining the whole reason why they exist. If she's like this about a uniform, what's she gonna do when she has to sit down, shut up and listen to the teacher for 20 minutes at a time ??

If she has anxiety issues, isn't it better that she looks like all the other children, rather than having a customised uniform? She'll stand out from all the other children.

Yeah I feel for her too. Not yet four!

I wouldn't go sewing pretty things on to the uniform though.... that'll send out a confusing message about uniforms and bending the rules I think. Tough though it will be for her, so young, she's got to wear the uniform as it IS

I was thinking similar cocolepew. She may feel worse on that first day if she looks different, drawing unnecessary attention to herself, and that in itself could cause her to not settle, alternatively it will look as if you are undermining their policy unless you pave the way.

My daughter is August born and a naturally anxious child - however allowing her to "not follow the rules" would have done her no favours. Never underestimate the manipulative powers of any child - anxious or not. If you allow her to see that everybody else has to follow one rule but she doesn't , you are opening a can of worms IMO. What happens when she doesn't want to follow another of the rules? In her eyes it will be no different than on this occasion - every one has to sit on the mat, well I am enjoying colouring so no thank you. At the end of the day you may end up setting her up for a difficult start to school life if she thinks she can not follow rules.
If the uniform issue causes anxiety now just don't bring it up. On the day, out it comes, no fuss, no drama - matter of fact - you are going to school today , this is what you wear at school. No debate , no conversation. If she kicks up I would happily take her in her pj's with uniform in hand. At school point out what everyone else is wearing - unless she is really strongwilled she will cave.
If she doesn't cave - then I havnt got a clue!!!

Has she been to the school to visit and see the other children in uniform?Has she a friend who will be starting with her?they could try on their uniforms together and give a fashion show for the mums.Otherwise I would take her in a tutu or whatever on the first day and have her uniform in a bag with her.Have a quiet word with the teacher beforehand and I bet your dd will be in uniform by morning break.Good Luck.

IME a lot of reception children have difficulty in settling in to school when they start just because of the huge range of new rules they have to follow (eg sit here sit there now it's lunch time no talking yes talking etc)-so "I am enjoying colouring thank you" will be a pretty regular occurrence for the teacher in the first few weeks. They're not being manipulative in refusing to do what they're told-I think that's a bit harsh!-just adjusting to a whole new routine etc.

If your little girl is anxious about starting school I bet she probably sees the uniform as a reminder- so by refusing to try it on she's just refusing to acknowledge school exists, iyswim- I remember feeling something pretty similar! I'd be inclined to wait till the week before she has to start to address this one and both try and enjoy the rest of your holiday!

I think she is too young. She doesn't have to go until she is 5 yrs-why not wait? If she does go I agree with custardo-it is what she wears-end of story!

Ouch, I forgot why I haven't ventured on here for a while. I never understand why people bother to have strong views about things when they can't (and couldn't possibly want to) know the whole story.

I am quite at the harshness of some responses - buy1get1, I was just asking for ideas not whether I'm doing OK as a parent.

If you want to know, yes barmymummy, I'm sure we have a stack of sensory issues at play here - noise, crowds, funny smells, disliked swings until v recently and definitely the feel of different items of clothing. This coupled with her age and the selective mutism does suggest that I'm right to try to get her to yes rather than fighting her over something that really isn't important.

She has gone from being terrified of the prospect of school to looking forward to it, due to the most immense amount of work from me/ ed psych/ SLT/ nursery/ school - I don't want to let the uniform thing change this.

We decided she should start school now, after months of us cogitating over it, because nursery isn't working for her, she has never spoken there and so we know a change could help. She's bright, so will enjoy the challenge and if we held her back a year, she'd still join the same class but be outside all the friendship groups which would only make her social problems worse. It's a stupid inflexible system here, but I think we can make this OK for her.

And, the free spirit thing was tongue in cheek, to get a response (it worked) and she is incredibly reasonable and amenable in most areas, because of the clear rules we stick to. Her rebellion with the uniform tells me something else is going on for her.

Anyway, I found a discreet button, she loves it, the dress is hanging by her bed and so who knows, we may not be so far off success. I don't understand why people are so against the adornment idea - check out all the spangly bits on M&S uniforms, Clarks with their light up shoes and little toys in the heel - what's the difference?

I think that'll do.

Is it sorted? If not I would ring the school a couple of days before. A good caring school should be able to cope with an only just 4 year old needing some time to come to terms with uniform. I think uniform can be very different from normal clothes so potentially scarey. I would be suspicious of a school that was rigid with uniform for brand new reception kids.

Ds3 who is noiiiisy at home didn't talk at all for his first couple of months in pre school. I was stunned. Once he started he didn't stop

Jamsandwich, glad you're on track to getting it sorted, and I think you are right, it was the "free spirited" part of the message that made me think . Good luck in september - as the mother of premmie children who if born on time would have been in the year below, I do sympathise with the issues surrounding being little for year.

JamSandwich- my DD is a SM as well as having SAD. Getting her into uniform was hard to begin with but when she realised that she didn't want to stand out anymore than she thought she already did, she wore it very easily. DD was in the Nursery class of the same school where she starts Reception in Septmeber. We put her in uniform in the summer term so she could adjust and see others wearing it. I know this is a bit late for you as school starts in a few weeks. I guess you could turn up at school extra early so she can see the other kids going in wearing the uniform, then she can see for herself that those are the rules. Or just leave the uniform in a dressing up box and suggest you play schools every day for the next few weeks. Is there a school website where you can show her pictures of the kids in their uniform. What about making a book about school and putting the uniform pictures in the book so she knows uniform+school go together.
Good Luck in September. I'm waiting to see how long it takes DD to talk to her new teacher- we've done a lot of role play over the holidays and had play dates with class mates. We'll wait and see.

Oooops ! Sorry Jamsandwich, I missed the post that mentioned her SM and other issues ... didn't realise she has genuine difficulties and thought she was a bit of a diva from your original post ... apologies !!

There are lots of us with dds with SM on here maybe we should start a back to school support thread. I am dreading the new teacher thing again.