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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Punishments for 8yo?

40 replies

hannahsaunt · 23/02/2009 21:53

I need your ideas ... since beating is out and confiscation of items/activities is fairly meaningless (by day 2 or 3 neither of us can usually remember why said item or activity had been denied and although I persevere until the alloted time is up it seems a bit daft), what else is there? Naughty steps are not v age appropriate (not that I have a child who ever stayed on a naughty step having bred the most defiant, strong-willed, intelligent children who can reason their way off stops and short of physically restraining them (see beating above) was a huge failure in this house) - so - what should we do for a naughty 8yo? I want something that is short, sharp, and sufficient to modify the inappropriate behaviour whatever that may be.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

serenity · 23/02/2009 21:59

DS2 gets sent to his room, or gets gaming rights curtailed for a day/couple of days. (going to his room isn't exactly exciting - no TV or anything) Never really needed anything else tbh.

Desiderata · 23/02/2009 22:04

Every single time he is naughty, throw one of his most revered toys in the bin.

Confiscation isn't tough enough. They know they'll get them back.

But you must explain this beforehand. They have to know what the intent it, and it has to be meted our fairly, and without hormonal input

And once binned, you have to explain again why you did it.

... that there are children in the world with nothing, who have better manners.

Rainbear · 23/02/2009 22:46

What else is there? What about not punishing! As in connecting with him, listening to him. Explaining your boundary in terms of feelings and needs. I don't have an 8 year old so haven't tried it yet, but have seen amazing results with other kids.

seeker · 23/02/2009 22:51

What is he doing that's so naughty?

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 23/02/2009 22:56

try a different perspective.... punishing rarely works... has to be immediate / consistent linked to crime to have any hope of having any effect... and this is unrealistic in the hurly burly of family life.... try a lot of IGNORING any bad behaviour and focusing on all positive behaviour.... much more effective and much less stressful. do you want to spend your life punishing your kids?

Prosecco · 23/02/2009 23:02

Bit scared to write after last couple of posts but......... bed 15/30 mins earlier? Or no TV? Removal of DS/playstation etc. for a day?
Whilst I do agree with the listening etc., sometimes I do think it needs a short sharp shock.

Prosecco · 23/02/2009 23:05

Have re-read and you don't wnat confiscation. Sometimes, I get my 8yo dd to help me with a task her siblings don't have to do if she has been particularly challenging. Would this work?

SlightlyMadScotland · 23/02/2009 23:10

I have twins...and I was coming to teh end of my teather trying to find something to suitably punish one at a time (particularly DTD1 who just laughed in teh face of beign sent to room/confiscation/removal of treats).

What I have found that has been immensly effective is for her to be sent to bed before her sister (10mins earlier is plenty). I may work less well though if there are no siblings that "get to stay up later"...that is the aspect which I think had the biggest impact rather than her giong to bed earlier than a "normal night" TBH.

Leo9 · 23/02/2009 23:16

agree with rain and controlfreaky. Punishing in a formal way at this age I would avoid like the plague personally. It's more about IMO creating such a good relationship of mutual respect and friendship that the formal route is not really necessary. If they were to have a really naughty moment then a natural consequence to that would be logical, but further than that I don't think it's a good idea to try to make a list of punishments.

Rainbear · 23/02/2009 23:31

I just reread my post and worried that it could have sounded condescending - sorry wasn't intended, just wrote quickly. Just to add that by punishing children we teach them that they must behave in accordance with our wishes out of fear of punishment. This means their actions are not driven by a sense of wanting to do the "right" thing (be respectful to our feelings/needs) but simply by wantingto avoid a penalty. The same can be said for praise and rewards. I personally hope my children will act out of respect and sensitivity to others rather than being driven by reward/punishment or praise/shame.

Original poster

hannahsaunt · 24/02/2009 09:41

I have no desire to spend my days punishing him but I do think there is a time and a place for appropriate sanctions e.g. last week he was cross at being asked to do something so he threw one of ds3s toys and it hit me on the head (it was intended so to do). That's not something that can be just talked about, IMO and throwing ds3s toys in the bin isn't going to help either. He wasn't allowed to go to cubs and was devastated but I'm not prepared to use that as a normal sanction as I think cubs is v good for him.

I just need ideas for good, effective alternatives. We have avoided going down the formal reward route for every day tasks
e.g. emptying the dishwasher is not linked to pocket money (he doesn't get any yet and I don't want him to associate tasks with financial gain but as a part of contributing to every day life). I also don't send to rooms as I'm with my mum on that rooms are havens, sanctuarys, their space and not a punishment.

Perhaps it's confiscating TV or computer time AND replacing the time spent doing that with something like laundry folding

OP posts:

seeker · 24/02/2009 12:41

I have an 8 year old, and I may be looking at life through rose tinted specs, but I just cannot imagine what he could do that would warrant "throwing one of his most revered toys in the bin"

Wouldn't that just make him boil with the injustice of it and not serve any useful purpose at all?

I do take his ds away for a day. And if he's done something really bad he's not allowed to go to football training on Saturday morning. Usually the threat of this is enough to bring him to his senses. They don't want to be "bad" you know, they love you and want to please you. Sometimes they go about it the wrong way!

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 24/02/2009 12:44

what do people who are keen on throwing toys away etc. planning on doing when their dcs are teenagers and do something "naughty"? do they think somehow they will just switch to parenting that involves communication instead of punishing on their 13th birthday? or will they be throwing trainers / make up in the bin??

Nabster · 24/02/2009 12:49

What do you do when your child doesn't do anything positive leaving you very little to work with?

Mine is going through a phase (dearly hoping it is a phase) that means he can't answer me without it being rude/answering back and announced he hated all of us this morning when DH put him on the step for something.

ChopsTheDuck · 24/02/2009 12:51

dd gets a warning first, then loses 15mins of bedtime, so has to go bed earlier.

We also remove computer/tv time.

At her age though, carrots def seem to work a lot better than sticks. She really wouldn't care if we took her things away so that wouldn't be an option. The promise of a reward to work towards usually bucks her up though. Doesn't have to be money neither, a privelege or special time with me doing something works very well.

if she doesn't do the simple chores that she is set she gets extra. (Really easy stuff like cleaning placemats after dinner, cleaning her room, runnign a bath for her brothers).

seeker · 24/02/2009 12:55

They all say "I hate you all" sometimes!

Either ignore, or say mildly "Well, I'm not that keen on you at the moment either!"

NEVER ever respond to a rude or answering back sort of comment. Just say "I'll talk to you when you can do it is a reasonable voice" and carry on with whatever you're doing. And never use the same sort of tone to them - you have to madel the way you want them to relate to others, that's how they learn.

bigTillyMint · 24/02/2009 12:56

Have been down the punishing / rewarding route, but I find that nipping it in the bud works best.

When (and I mean the minute) they start doing the wrong thing, you warn them that if they continue, they will have time out. And say 1. Then just say 2 if it continues (don't give any chances!) then on 3 they go up to their room / wherever you say for 5mins time out.

Then they can come back. Repeat as necessary.

It seems to work eve with my DS who is extremely challenging. And it means we don't get into shouting matches.

But you do have to be completely on the ball about what is going on - DH is not so good at acting quickly and then it has gone too far when he gets off his a* to sort it out.

seeker · 24/02/2009 12:56

"model" obviously!

NormaLeighLucid · 24/02/2009 12:56

I agree with controlfreaky.
Communication, mutual respect, listening and advice.
I have a age 7 DS, he is a good boy on the whole but if there is something he does thats "naughty" (probably the worst he does is push his sister if she is being a pain)
I talk to him about why he did it, did he think it was the right thing to do and what will he do next time the situation arises.
I tell him its normal to feel upset, angry etc but its about trying to control these feelings and not react to them.
Dishing out punishments of taking things away only infuriates and frustrates him more and nothing is accomplished, but approaching him in a calm manner also calms him down and he will say sorry to his sister and she will apologise back and we carry on.
Dealt with there and then.

stealthsquiggle · 24/02/2009 12:58

We do timeouts (sat on stairs) - usually 'until supper/lunch' or 'until we go out' or other appropriate point in time rather than a set length of time.

We also remove stars (star chart towards goal/reward he has chosen, a star being removed is a serious sanction)

We also do occasional appropriate-to-the-crime punishments - e.g. DS broke an egg when collecting them the other day (not a big deal) and lied to DH about it (huge deal) - I made him clean the chickens out (it was the best I could come up with under pressure)

stealthsquiggle · 24/02/2009 13:00

Oh and we have tried asking him to come up with his own ideas - his suggestions are generally more harsh than I would have come up with, but his best was a home version of 'golden time' - time with me/DH just for him at the weekend to do something he wants to do, which he loses for any hideous crime committed during the week.

bigTillyMint · 24/02/2009 13:02

I do think how you can manage them has alot to do with personality.

Some children are basically quite easy and eager to do the right thing (like DD) so you never have to do much. Others have such strong forceful presonalities that they need very clear boundaries (like DS). And they need you to be in control at times when they lose their self-control.

HerbWoman · 24/02/2009 13:09

Nabster - DD (9) is also behaving like this, and I can't wait for the end of it. She was awful all last week, but like the OP, doesn't seem to care about any punishments at all, and I have talked until I'm blue in the face. I ask her if she has any problems at school, how her friends are, is she worried about anything. I've suggested she write it down if she doesn't want to talk directly to me or DH about it. Have tried ignoring the bad behaviour, and it does reduce when it's just directed at me but when it's aimed at DS (4) I can't just ignore it, and he certainly doesn't. She knows that her behaviour is wrong - she says herself that she wouldn't speak to her teachers the way she speaks to me, but when I ask her why she can't/won't answer. She finds the whole thing funny. I have tried sending her to her room until she has calmed down, but she won't go, and I can't physically manhandle her up the stairs in the same way you would carry a tantrumming toddler. (Not that she was put in her room as a toddler, but ykwim.) I also generally manage to stay calm now (years of practice).

I totally agree with the comments by some about mutual respect and communication, but she really doesn't seem to want to communicate and I don't know how to get there without some permanent injury being inflicted on younger DS. So I'm REALLY interested in the answers here.

drlove8 · 24/02/2009 13:14

i do the naughty step with my 9 yr old( b'day yesterday) , then if that doesnt work he's grounded. sometime he pushes his luck with that too, then its instant removal of all toys, computer games, and tv ect. then i take his phone!if he still persits( has hapened only twice) then i fine his pocket money(he doesnt get any for a month. seems harsh, but he can be a total toad, once caught him climbing up a road sign- when asked what he was doing he replied " i wanted it for my room!" ...WTF!.....HIS MATES DIDNT SEE HIM FOR 3 MONTHS THAT TIME!>

drlove8 · 24/02/2009 13:17

if my kids say "i hate you" because they've been told off i just say so what ," i hate the way your acting right now,"

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