Punishments for 8yo?

[hannahsaunt]

I need your ideas ... since beating is out and confiscation of items/activities is fairly meaningless (by day 2 or 3 neither of us can usually remember why said item or activity had been denied and although I persevere until the alloted time is up it seems a bit daft), what else is there? Naughty steps are not v age appropriate (not that I have a child who ever stayed on a naughty step having bred the most defiant, strong-willed, intelligent children who can reason their way off stops and short of physically restraining them (see beating above) was a huge failure in this house) - so - what should we do for a naughty 8yo? I want something that is short, sharp, and sufficient to modify the inappropriate behaviour whatever that may be.

I asked DS1 and DD to do 6 minutes tidying up and when I told them there treat woul dbe me reading to each of them a chapter or story of their choice, DS1 said "Is that it?"

"IS that it?"

Response "Yep - take it or leave it!"

Why does it have to be one method or the other? I do give out punishments if necessary, bed early, sent to room etc but I also talk to them about what they've done, how it effects others and what they might be feeling. Those of us who think that it is appropriate to give a punishment aren't just wicked mothers who don't communicate with their dc's.

OP have you tried asking your DS what he thinks would be appropriate? After I gave DS my very best "I am so disappointed in you..." speech the other night he was later found hiccuping gently and saying that he shouldn't have any treats all year....

We cancel treats (I have 8 and 7 yos). On the basis that if their behaviour is poor we can't go to X or do Y. It does have to be something you don't mind missing (so not cubs, say).

We still use a points system (pasta jar) where they win money or treats for good behaviour and occasionally lose points for bad behaviour.

We also have pocket money linked to tidying bedrooms - they only get it if their room is tidy on a Saturday morning.

If they argue or tantrum about tv or computer time (which is limited) then tv or computer goes away for a week. This has been very effective indeed, we haven't had to do this for a long time now but we did do it in the past.

If they refuse to tidy up I get the bin bag out and threaten the charity shop, which makes them squeal.

If they fight or yell I send them out of the room, or out of the house, they can come back when they've calmed down. it works better than naughty steps at this age I think.

That particular incident is a different one.

He should be devastated because he hit you on the head without meaning to and not because he couldn't go to cubs.

If it's the first time that sort of thing has happened, use it as a learning experience, 'now you know why we have a no throwing rule'. He is big enough to be shown some picture of what could have happened if it had hit you in the eye.

Also how about giving him a chance to make it better?

I meant to say 'That particular incident is a difficult one.' to Hannahsaunt

I think we will have to agree to disagree there aviatrix. Cleaning out the chickens is a horrible job which is not normally his responsibility. I have no issue with him seeing it as a punishment. Explanations go in one ear and out of the other - cleaning out the chickens he will remember and that is what will make him think twice before lying again. He knows perfectly well it was about the lie and not about breaking an egg.

@ binning toys.
If my mum did that to me at 8 I'd still be in therapy at forty talking about how I loath her.

Spidermama - my grandmother did do it to my DM, and yes she does still hold a grudge (and as a result never throws anything away ever, which is a different kind of nightmare )

otherside you are so sensible - that is the exact crux of the matter. I do think children have a far better 'moral' sense and tuly caring nature than sometimes we give them credit for. If something is aimed at your head and hits you I really believe that it can be enough if you show how hurt you feel and show how disappointed and disgusted you are with what happened, by letting him see A) you're hurt and B) you are totally unimpressed and don't want to spend time with him particularly.

Removal of parental approval and warmth can be so powerful and IMO it can teach more about why the behaviour was wrong, than imposing an outside consequence which could simply cloud the issue; it then becomes about his anger and resentment at you making him miss cubs, rather than him considering what he did wrong. Children won't necessarily extrapolate, they react more immediately and focus on the immediate 'problem' IMO.

I wouldn't say never punish or that parents who do formal stuff are dreadful, that's not where I'm coming from! But I do think sometimes less is more.

There are ways of making the punishments and sanctions related to the problems though. Like, if my dds keep fighting and screaming (as happened on Sunday), we can't go to or stay in a nice cafe or restaurant for a meal or a drink, because that behaviour isn't appropriate for cafes (we left two cafes on Sunday and came home hungry in the end, cos they wouldn't stop squabbling).

And if someone won't clear their toys up they get put away because it's impossible to live in a house with clutter all over the floor.

And if a child can't stop pushing or yelling or fighting it goes out of the room to calm down because that would be appropriate behaviour for an angry adult too - leaving the scene, getting some space. Calming down.

Or if a child won't behave in the car, you can't take them to somewhere they want to go, because it's not safe, misbehaving in the car (it makes me want to crash the car if they yell or fight).

etc. It needn't be about obscure draconian punishments, but realising that actions have consequences.

Also you can involve children in behavioural rules. Mine love that. They write down House Rules, TV rules, computer rules. We are all involved in deciding the rules, and we all decide, in advance, on what to do if rules are broken (similar to living in a shared house with other adults). It does help, when they feel they've had a say in what's going on.

Need to go an collect ds1 from said cubs but will reply properly later. Briefly, undesirable behavious tends towards minor but irritating pushes and shoves of ds2 which I think needs stamped on v firmly and not ignored as that sends out two sets of wrong messages, one to each of them. I'm liking Fennel's post - makes a lot of sense.