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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Controlling Toddler while holding the baby

39 replies

sasamax · 16/10/2008 16:43

Help!
My 2 year old is getting more and more demanding and I cannot control him as I have a baby who will not let me put her down. I have to carry her all day long and she has to sleep in the sling. I have tried, tried and tried again to get her to sleep upstairs away from him but she completely refuses and if I try to lie her down when asleep she immediately wakes up. When he is shouting/throwing toys or generally being naughty I cannot control him as I cannot lift him to place on naughty step or anything. He continually wakes her when she is so cranky and exhausted as his antics have kept her awake until she finally dropped off.
Threatening to remove toys/ telling him no chocolate or whatever doesn't work. He knows I am trying to keep her asleep and does everything he can to wake her up. How can I use discipline which will be effective, while she is in the sling?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

juuule · 16/10/2008 16:59

Stop using the naughty step and spend more time with him?

Original poster

sasamax · 16/10/2008 17:03

I am with him 24/7 - can't use the naughty step anyway....

OP posts:

Original poster

sasamax · 16/10/2008 17:06

I know he is jealous because I am carrying the baby but the alternative is to put the baby down and let her scream...can't very well do that...

OP posts:

MatNanPlus · 16/10/2008 17:07

does he have a nap?

could you take him to the park twice a day so he can exercise his lungs while in the open?

Original poster

sasamax · 16/10/2008 17:09

Most days he has a nap in the afternoon. We go out a walk once a day and if it's dry we go to the swings. Prob most weeks aren't quite so bad as I can take him to groups - but it's the holidays up here so they're all off this week and he is just wired to the moon...however it's always difficult to get him to stop doing something when she's in the sling.

OP posts:

juuule · 16/10/2008 17:10

I meant spend more time with him doing something that he enjoys. Let him help you to do things. Make a fuss of him being a big help. Let him help to tidy up with you, bring you things for the baby. Play building his lego/bricks, whatever with him. Get him to join in with your things and you join in with his.
Go out for walks where the baby can sleep in the pushchair and you can talk to him. Point out leaves changing colour, push him on the swings, that type of thing.
Give him happy attention and be happy with him when he is behaving well and show him you are sad if he acts up.

Apologies if you are already doing this.

LuLuBai · 16/10/2008 17:11

Can you do lots of activities designed to wear him out (playground, soft-play, kick-about in the park) so that he has a good daytime nap himself and allows the baby sleep?

You've kind of scared me as DD was a baby who refused to be put down and only had cat naps when in my arms. She will be 2 when the next one is born and is more active than ever. I'm praying the next one is a chilled baby who needs minimum attention from me .

Best of luck

LuLuBai · 16/10/2008 17:11

Sorry x posts

juuule · 16/10/2008 17:14

Do you have to carry the baby all the time? Doesn't she have a nap at all?

DontlookatmeImscaaarrryyy · 16/10/2008 17:15

How old is the baby? Can you keep her in the sling when she's not awake.

When ds2 was born i spent alot of time with him in the sling awake or asleep just so i could get things done. This included getting down on the floor (kneeling/sitting, not lying down obviously) and playing with/spending time with ds1.

Can you involve him in things. Eg. I used to say to ds1 "Shall WE change

MoonlightMcKenzie · 16/10/2008 17:19

Can't you keep the place noisy so that when she falls asleep she'll be used to the noise?

Original poster

sasamax · 16/10/2008 17:27

Thanks v much for the advice.
I will make more of an effort to play with him while she's awake and get him to help me. Another problem, however, is the baby is not good in the pushchair and every time we're out it's a very rushed and stressful experience. I can't go to softplay as I love in a small town and must travel 10 miles to softplay. The baby screams her head off in the car and I just can't cope with it.
I wish I could put the baby down for a nap as that would mean I could give him plenty of one-to-one time but so far I've had no luck. She's 4 mths - when she's awake I can sometimes kneel down with her in the sling but often that will infuriate her. Sorry Lulu - DS was exactly the same as a baby and I too was hoping for a 'put-downable' baby second time around but it wasn't to be.
I wish I could find a way to make him stop shouting when the baby's sleeping. The more I ask him to quieten down the louder he gets...

OP posts:

Original poster

sasamax · 16/10/2008 17:28

MoonlightMcKenzie - she's always had to sleep in noise but for some reason just won't get used to it...only at night will she sleep quite soundly (for up to 2 hrs at a time)

OP posts:

MoonlightMcKenzie · 16/10/2008 17:33

4 months is a tricky age iirc. she might settle better shortly.

Original poster

sasamax · 16/10/2008 17:40

Oh I hope so
(what does iirc mean?)

OP posts:

Original poster

sasamax · 16/10/2008 17:41

Is the problem the baby or the toddler?
Or me?

OP posts:

MoonlightMcKenzie · 16/10/2008 17:49

if i recall correctly.

No problem. The two children are just acting their ages. You're not the problem either, but you ARE the one that is getting upset/affected the most.

I think rather than entering battles and frustration, you pour yourself a glass of wine, - tell yourself that you have an extremely tough job, that survival is the aim, that you are doing really well and that it is but a short phase. Take one hour at a time and engage as much help/support as you can find!

Original poster

sasamax · 16/10/2008 18:05

Aaww thanks so much for that - that's made me feel so much better. 6pm now - will go get a glass of wine right away - why didn't I think of that?

OP posts:

meandmyjoe · 16/10/2008 20:45

Ooo sounds tricky, they are both at really demanding ages. I only have one child (and plan to keep it that way!) but I can symathise about the baby not wanting to be put down and hating the car and pushchair. Mine was the same, such hard work, had to be carried around constantly and he was so grumpy all the time, screamed before every nap. It's awful but as you know from your first baby it doesn't last forever.

Sounds like you're doing everything right. Is there anyone that can take ds for a few hours so you and the baby can get some much needed rest? It must be very difficult trying to entertain both of them but you'll get through it and they'll be playing together and getting into mischeif amusing themselves before you know it. In the meantime enjoy your wine!

Original poster

sasamax · 16/10/2008 21:35

I know - you're right. It's not easy having this kind of baby - some days you just can't win no matter what you do (is that out of dirty dancing? )
Thanks for the support

OP posts:

UmMwahahahaaaaa · 16/10/2008 21:45

Hello! Another one with a 3 mth unputdownable baby and a 2.5 yo going through a bit of a stroppy one. It's bloody hard, isn't it? My baby is difficult impossible to put down asleep but will usually sit and watch while awake. I do lots of 'faking it' happy 'let's pretend everything is happy and SuperGreat and calm' super mum stuff to stop myself sinking

As I am muddling through too, no real advice I am afraid. I do put ds down and he has to lump it fo a couple of mins (as I am sure you do) which I never did with dd as I have to cuddle her cos she fell over/wipe her bum/stop her falling off the sofa... He often stops crying after the intial 'hang on a mo' 15 secs anyway.

Anyway, lots of choc and tea and not trying to do too much here!

UmMwahahahaaaaa · 16/10/2008 21:49

Do you have a bouncy chair/bouncer/rocker btw? Ds sits for ages in his, staring at his hands or trying to bat stuff. He isn't so interested in the playmat but will lie on the floor in dd's bedroom and watch us play for a bit. Feel terrible cos when he is awake I tend to run around and do stuff or play with dd (as it's the only time I can put him down - and even then it's not guaranteed !)

weeamoomoo · 16/10/2008 21:58

hi, i have had similar problems with my baby and 3 year old.

am afraid sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to get through the day.

therefore if i know baby is tired and she will go for a nap when i put her in the baby bjorn, before i do this, i "plug" my toddler into the telly! put a dvd on , give him a drink and a snack and this quite often keeps him quiet for 1/2 hour or more!

Original poster

sasamax · 16/10/2008 22:09

Aaahhh - so glad I am not alone.
Yep - if I need to change a dirty or deal with urgent stuff then baby goes down and we all have to endure screaming. Wish I was made of sterner stuff but can't tolerate it at all. Sometimes she stops but often she doesn't and we all end up in palpitations, me racing upstairs for wipes/nappies/babygro while saying 'it's ok it's ok' - more for me than her i think.
If she has just woken up from a nap and is well rested, I might get 10 mins where she will bat at toys in the bouncy chair. Then if I move her to another room to watch me do washing or something I might get another 10 mins but that's it. I feel bad for DS as I'm sure he feels neglected but just don't know what else I can do.
Do you sit with him asleep on you or have him in the sling?
Is he in your bed at night? Any rest then?

OP posts:

bohemianbint · 16/10/2008 22:09

I could have written the OP! Have a 7wk old baby and a 26 month old, both exactly as you describe. Have to say I am sinking. I also can't leave the baby to cry, it stresses me out beyond belief. Have had some success swinging the baby to sleep in the P&T cocoon; I managed to get about half an hour to spend cooking with DS1 this morning. Also DS2 will sit in his bouncy chair for 10 mins or so which is good for nappy changes etc. I also have the baby in the sling non stop, I have changed nappies and even been for a wee myself like that but it's not the best.

It is really rough, and there's a lot of cbeebies watched and a lot of guilt felt here. Am assured it will pass though, and am strangely heartened to see other people in exactly the same boat!

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