This is bloody horrific! My life is ruled by a 3 year old

[louise301]

Sorry this is a bit of a rant. Just had another bad day with dd3, infact at the moment every day seems to be bad. The constant whining, moaning, crying, tantrums and demands for attention bring me and my dh down. I know all children are demanding but compared to my friends, my dd seems to be spirited to say the least. Everything is so hard. Sometimes I feel I'd rather someone shoot me in the head rather than endure another hour of pretending to eat food (in the form of soil) that shes prepared in the garden! Its got to the point where I am desperately craving my old life. I dream about being able to go out for a meal without having to spend every minute of it placating a headstrong child, I dream of nipping to the shops without contending with a screaming child who wont sit in her pushchair and most of all I miss peace and quiet. People tell me you get used to knowing you can never have your old life again but I seriously dont think I ever will. Was reading a thread on the conception board about women who are desperate for a baby and I feel so sad, I got pregnant easily and yet dont seem to enjoy motherhood much. My quesion really is this, is it normal to feel like this? Dont think I am depressed, never felt like this before I had a baby, just wish I could get over the longing for my old life.

Am a bit confused - it seems as if she is your third daughter (dd3) but you write about her as if you have just the one?

I think it's a daughter who is 3 yrs.

yes very, very normal to grieve for old life and doesn't mean you don't love your dd. However, we are all entitled to some peace and quiet occasionally. Do you have any help? Friends, family, offers of playdates???

You sound stuck in a rut.

and bored.

Get out and do some things.
Get dp to look after dc sometimes and piss off to mates/gym/cinema whatever rocks your boat.

For dd3, it is a really tough age to be, she is so grown up and knos what she needs and wants and goddamit DOES NOT NEED you! except she really needs you and don't you dare say the worng thing in the wrong way!

There are ways to enjoy yourself and your daughter, maybe try to find a compromise.

Get some garden toys for your dd - small trowel, a brush & dust pan - let her dig & sweep. Also have some jobs she can do - things like line up the shoes pick out her clothes from the washing - get her involved.

Cook some treats - biscuits for shape cutters, pizza dough, bread

Yes in my opinion it's normal to feel this. I certainly have felt this way. DS is 13 months and was very difficult as a baby, a real grumpy screamy, over sensitive baby and everything seemed like such a battle. He's still very whingy and strong willed and yes there are days when I simply don't think I want to be a mother anymore. I miss being able to go out for a meal with dh or go for a holiday abroad or all the things we used to do. Of course I crave for the days of laying in bed til 10 am and going on long journeys without a whinging baby in the car. Surely all mothers feel this.

The main thing is that when I look at my ds when he's hurt himself, I feel the overwhelming need to comfort him and make it better for him. When he's sleeping and I hear his little snuffles and when he's laughing so hard he goes red in the face, I realise why I do it... because I love him and I'd do anything to protect him and make him happy.

The problem is when they are very hard to make happy, when the whinging and tantrums are just so frequent that you feel so demotivaated and miserable. It is hard to deal with. My ds often has days like this and I feel just as you do.

I try and make the time when he's in bed at night really nice for myself. Arrange a little treat, maybe a glass of wine, a bar of chocolate or in my case a cheesecake so you have something to look forward to at the end of the day.

Also try and get out lots, staying in with a moaning child is torturous for the best of us and dispite the fact that you think everyone will stare at your tantrumming child if you do go out... who cares??? They don't know you and in fact most people staring will have been there themselves and feel nothing but empathy for you.

sorry, meant to say dd is 3. Goodness, cant imagine how I'd cope if I had 3, though others obviously do, and do really well. I am one of 3 myself and always thought I'd have a large family.

Does dd go to pre-school or playgroup?
Do you get a break when some one else babysits?
You are not abnormal; you just need a break.

Does she go to sleep reasonably early and stay asleep all (or most) of the night?

My ds si 2 and is not overly demanding, but drives me insane at times with his whining, griping, boring games, etc. I have my Mum to help though and when she takes him out for a few hours, it is wonderful. I agree that you do sound like you could do with a regular break. It is very very hard work amusing a small child.

DD does go to nursery 3 days a week, and I work part time when shes at nursery. I just find it so difficult. Its not like I dont get time to spend on my own, dh is very good at babysitting while I go out for a couple of hours at the weekend. DD and I do get out and about when we're together but the days seem so long and she wants to be entertained every second of every day, which of course is normal and understandable and still so little. It just makes me wonder, if its this hard why do other people have more children? I look at women who have toddlers and are pregnant again and wonder how they have the energy to put themselves through it all again? This then makes me feel abnormal and crap especially when people ask when I'm having another one.

Agree with all the others about you needing time for yourself.

I'll let you in on a little secret, which you may not have discovered since it's your first child.

You are not a bad mother if you do not join in all her imaginary games whenever she wishes. 3 year olds will take whatever they can get (I have one, BTW) and it is up to you to set limits on how much you want to give. Your jobs are as important as her play, believe it or not and if she wants to be with you and have your attention, she can help you!! I put DD to work and she loves it! It is also very important that small children learn to enter their own imaginary world and occcupy themselves. So if you ever see her absorbed in something, make sure you do not distract her.

So much of this is a question of your self-confidence as a mother. She will be absolutely fine if she has to entertain herself sometimes and you are actually doing her no favours by always being available to her as her playmate.

Louise i have 3 children (middle one is 3yrs) and I have it easier than you because they entertain each other! I don't have to be fun Mummy all the time because dc1 and 2 play so well together (just 18 months apart)

In my experience going from no children to 1 was a terrible shock, life changing and frightening and relentless. 1 to 2 and then 2 to 3 were so much easier.

Be kind to yourself.

Agree strongly with Janni - you are her mother not her playmate. I considered my job done if I could get dc started playing something, by getting the toy out or setting up the Brio etc.

Another secret - if you have another child close enough in age, they will play together. They may get up to terrible mischief and sometimes fall out violently, but sometimes if you're lucky they will play nicely.

Perhaps it's time to start playdates with other 3 yos.

Don't take your eyes off for too long though, because once my dd and her friend climbed out of the bedroom window while the other mother and I were downstairs, and a neighbour knocked to say Do you know you have 2 children on your roof?

i think if i only had dd (also 3 and a nightmare) i'd feel the same way.

i had ds 2 years ago though and he's been a completely differant experiance in parenting from the start.

how he is helps remind me that it's not my fault that dd is the way she is, i parent both of them the same and yet they respond so differantly. dd by whining, screeching and tantrumming from morning to night and ds by cuddling, kissing and apologising when he's naughty!

little girls are tough, 3 year old little girls are blood sweat and tears tough! i take solace in the fact that it's not only my dd who behaves like this but most 3 year old girls i know, and that it's not because i'm a bad mother as clearly treating ds the same way hasn't caused the same issues with behaviour.

Louise
I feel exactly like you with dd 2.8 esp this week as dd has been a bit of colour and dp is on holiday

I am also pregnant and now thinking WTF HAVE I DONE

In fact I was thinking that may be I am a little depressed.
I too have loads of help with family and work full time flexible hours, so get to go to some toddler groups etc.

I think my issue is that I am so desperate to have a well behaved child I have high expectations and sometimes forget she is just a little girl.
Also because she is sometimes so clever and grown up I think I expect more from her than maybe I should iyswim?

I like others get her involved in housework, looking after dogs, horses etc.

and Love her dearly, but god its soooooo hard.

3 is the most difficult age IME. It can only get better!

As Janni says, don't feel you have to join in with her all the time. It's fine to say 'Mummy's busy' even if you know in your heart of hearts that you don't have to be.

Also, don't feel that you have to placate her all the time or keep her from having a tantrum. If she wants to make an idiot of herself screaming the shopping mall down, tough! practise humming and staring into the middle distance.

Accept that this is a difficult age for both of you. You don't really know when you should help her/be with her/entertain her/make things easier/demand more- and she doesn't know either. All these things imo become a lot easier once they turn 4.

And finally, a small tip: when they are tantrumming and arching their back not to go in the pushchair, wait for the moment when they have to stop screaming and draw breath. At this point the stomach muscles relax: quick push down and strap her in before she has time to tense up again.
hard-won experience speaking here!).

Louise, I have ds who is 3 and an only child and I feel like you much of the time. I think that my frustration stems from guilt because I think that he is missing out by not having siblings to share in his play so I often try to compensate and, perhaps, overcompensate. I was very close in age to my sister and so can't imagine what it is like to not have a constant playmate to hand. But that is my issue and probably misses the point which is as Janni stated, children need to be able to count on their own initiative and to deal with being bored sometimes.

The other side of the coin, is that I find ds MUCH easier when he is in nursery 4 mornings and when I arrange lots of playdates with other children so that he is socialising despite not having someone to play with in his life. From 3 years children do need other children in their lives, to play, to get totally absorbed in the same games as each other. Of course, as adults it is not possible to pretend to be a pirate with genuine interest and enthusiasm for 2 hours the way children do>

My advice is try to organise play dates with other over 3s as often as possible and extend dd's time in nursery by a morning or 2 if you think it might help!

Try to have some sort of routine (a quiet time where you do something together read a book or do a puzzle). I know how hard it is, but they do not stay 3 forever and in many ways it is a fantastic age because they are becoming real children rather than babies or toddlers ...

Janni has made a good point there. I have two DS (2.5 and 4.5) and it's only recently that I've realised that actually I don't have to make myself at their beck and call all the bloody time to be a good mother to them. They are quite capable of playing on their own for periods, and I am now equally quite capable of saying "No, I do NOT have to come there straight away to fix the train track actually - YOU have a go at fixing it whilst I finish loading the washing machine, and if you haven't managed to fix it by then, THEN I will come and fix it for you." Why did it take me 4 years to realise that no, actually, I don't have to drop everything (literally, if I'm loading the washing machine LOL), and go and sort out a non-emergency situation. It is also teaching them patience and initiative whilst they are waiting for me to finish this, that or the other.

Also, when DS2 was having a big nap after lunch when he was a baby, I was nearly going insane with the conscious effort of rushing my lunch down so that I could give DS1 some 1-1 attention the whole time the baby was asleep. After months of nearly losing it by the end of each day through sheer tiredness, I suddenly thought, "Today, I am going to start having MUMMY'S REST TIME straight after lunch, and DS1 can occupy himself for half an hour while I have a cup of tea, put my feet up and read the newspaper." He was 3 at the time, and it took 3 days for it to sink in, and from then on he would sit patiently and look through a magazine or watch a DVD and know that I'd be refreshed and ready to play with him after the half an hour.

Sometimes us mums get caught up in trying to be bloody Mary Poppins 24/7 that we end up nearly giving ourselves a nervous breakdown. (I'm sure Mary Poppins was on something to be that cheerily available the whole time, or maybe it was just because she got a regular sweep up her chimney. )

To the other OP, you might find this thread http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/8/613387 from the other day helpful.

As for your question about how come people have more than 1 child, the answer is that they have the easy child first, think that this parenting lark is a doddle, then naiively have another thinking it will have exactly the same type of personality as the first. BIG MISTAKE!

Mary Poppins was actually quite authoritarian along with all the magic and fun!

My son is 3 and quite often a nightmare - I have just had no.2 and I never wish for old life but I certainly wish for an easier one and I dream of the future when I can escape for a weekend and relax!
Perhaps you are depressed see gp to confirm. We have introduced a naughty room and that has helped - same idea as step but a lock on it as I couldn't get lo to stay anywhere he didn't want to and with a baby to look after couldn't do the 500 times taking him back to the spot - it has worked wonders as does removal of toys or the threat of turning the telly off!

Thanks so much for all your responses and very good practical advice. Its great to know that its perfectly OK for dd to play on her own rather than have me as her permanent playmate. I think this is part of the problem, from the moment she gets up til the moment she goes to bed she wants me to play with her constantly. I spend hours building towers with her, and rolling out playdough which makes me feel resentful and by the sound of things, stops her from learning how to play on her own. The other day I actually told her that it was up to her to play with the playdough once I'd rolled it out but she insisted, quite loudly that no, mummy had to cut out all the shapes while she just watched! I'm obviously not doing her much good by not encouraging her to be a little independent. She likes me to walk with her everywhere, even if its from the lounge to the dining room to get a toy. And last night I had to get up to kiss her favourite teddy goodnight.... Sounds like she has me wrapped around her little finger, which she does. I love her dearly but think that the guilt I feel sometimes about finding motherhood boring makes me go over the top about trying to please her rather than get on with the job of parenting.

The comments about people having an easy child first which encourages them to have more is good to know! It gives me hope that if I do have more children, maybe I'll have an easier time (though no guarantees of course) and it would give my dd a playmate.

Going to put into pactice some of the advice from you all tomorrow morning. First thing will be getting her to try and eat her own breakfast rather than me spoonfeeding her. She can eat perfectly well on her own, and does at nursery, but likes me to do it for her...!

not only is it ok for her to play alone, it is really important, both for you and her

but playing with children is really important too. don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Work out what you need and do that.

I wouldn't tell her to play alone, that never works.

I'd start an activity for yourself that she can join in with (say sorting laundry, or baking), let her join in for as long as she likes, but when she gets bored and wanders off, you continue.

Do it gently-it will be hard for her.

And do playdates, they make life a lot easir.

Are you me, i often say that our three year old rules our lives - glad its not just me

I do sympathise with you. My son (also only child - now 4) and believe me, I've been there!

Maybe what you are thinking is quite natural and it's just another part of the developmental process? It could be you're supposed to be bored of all the make-believe at this point, which forces your child to socialise with other children.

Are there any ways you could get her to meet some other kids which wouldn't be too boring for you? I spent a long time teaching my son to make friends with other kids in the playground / soft play because we didn't know many people locally, I joined a gym with a creche and we go to visit our friends with kids.

I also find "Tag team " parenting helps (ie all yours saturday morning, all mine sunday morning and the afternoons we do things as a family). This is good as just when you are flagging, the other partner turns up all refreshed and happy.

Anyway. Look on the bright side - tomorrow's Monday ;-)

Sweetheart - no intelligent adult could play hour upon hour with a three year old and not find it boring. You have been so hard on yourself. No wonder you feel so resentful and guilty. The good thing is that your DD goes to nursery, so she has demonstrated that she is perfectly capable of functioning without you. I hope you develop a comfortable way of being alongside her whereby you can coexist without a continual power struggle.