This is bloody horrific! My life is ruled by a 3 year old

[louise301]

Sorry this is a bit of a rant. Just had another bad day with dd3, infact at the moment every day seems to be bad. The constant whining, moaning, crying, tantrums and demands for attention bring me and my dh down. I know all children are demanding but compared to my friends, my dd seems to be spirited to say the least. Everything is so hard. Sometimes I feel I'd rather someone shoot me in the head rather than endure another hour of pretending to eat food (in the form of soil) that shes prepared in the garden! Its got to the point where I am desperately craving my old life. I dream about being able to go out for a meal without having to spend every minute of it placating a headstrong child, I dream of nipping to the shops without contending with a screaming child who wont sit in her pushchair and most of all I miss peace and quiet. People tell me you get used to knowing you can never have your old life again but I seriously dont think I ever will. Was reading a thread on the conception board about women who are desperate for a baby and I feel so sad, I got pregnant easily and yet dont seem to enjoy motherhood much. My quesion really is this, is it normal to feel like this? Dont think I am depressed, never felt like this before I had a baby, just wish I could get over the longing for my old life.

Agree it is good for them to learn to play by themselves sometimes. I have 3- dd1 is now 4, dd2 is 3. dd1 would be with me constantly, wants me involved with her games etc, but I realised when dd2 came along that it couldn't always be like that- sometimes I needed to do things for the baby etc. dd1 now accepts this, but still wants to sit in on the adults conversation rather than playing with the other kids (although I don't allow her to) dd2 is completely different- she plays with her sister, but actually seems to prefer playing by herself, in her own little fantasy world- I love peeking in and seeing her. I think its because dd1 had so much more of my time when she was very little, but maybe dd2 is just a different nature, who knows. I do think that dd2 seems to be happier (although she is, in other ways, a thrawn wee monkey, who could start a fight in an empty house!) ds is now 11 months, and its not always easy, but I think I'm doing ok if they all get a little bit of one-on-one in a day, even if it's not for a long period. Mine do now understand that there are some things mummy has to do (housework, dinner etc) and sometimes mummy wants to do other things- they seem to really appreciate the time they DO get with me. It is hard to be hard, though!

agree with fillyjonk and janni

The one thing you need to be teaching your dd at this stage is how to play alone - happily

I am the queen of this now and will never interrupt a contented solo playing child if i can help it

Even if i go to peep at ds4(2.5 years old) i will not let him see me for fear he will stop what he is doing...

you need to start small - if she is playing t party then say ' Daughter Mummy is just going to pop the laundary on - you feed dollys till i get back' and gradually stretch the time you are away...

I have had 6 children and i loathed being at home alone with the first three... I am loving the experience with the second three

Interestingly ( esp in light of last poster) I do not let my children watch tv now where i did with the first ones

Truly I think you need to learn to enjoy being at home with dd more than looking to get more time away from her. None of it is t do with love...I know you love her dearly and i am not saying its all plain sailing it is not BUT you can turn it around so you can enjoy this time

Hope tht helps - did i ramble!

louise

you sound so like me, i spent most of my little girls' toddler years trying to get things right for her, trying to be the most patient, understanding mother (for which read SLAVE) possible, diffusing potential rows and tantrums, and suppressing (for a time) enormous feelings of anger, regret (missing my old life SO badly!!) and bewilderment ('surely it isn't supposed to be like this?!')

IMO 3 is the very hardest year (so far - my oldest is 7 now, i realise i have the eek teenage years to come!) esp when they are girls as others have said! at that stage i really was a slave to my 3 yr-old ( i look back in horror at how much she dominated our family life and most especially mine) for all the reasons you feel you are at times. i wasn't so much depresseed as stressed (insomnia, weight loss, emotionally labile) not helped by being in australia that year, and far from any support network. in fact, i used to fantasise about having a small (not large or excessively painful) road accident, just enough to put me in hospital for a few weeks of RESPITE!! so please believe you are not alone with that feeling of looking back at your old life with longing and, at times, regret, i have definitely been there.

playdates for me at that stage were hard as my daughter is quite introverted and was not great at socialising. i too used to get roped into imaginary games for hours at a time while washing piled!! argh!! however slowly but surely things have got loads better. i found having a sibling v helpful for her, even though life was SO HARD for a couple of years combinging willful toddler with a (gorgeous! but still...) baby. but now, she has a brother two years younger who is her best friend. he's much more mellow than her. he is a master of diplomacy and knows how to handle her moods and tantrums as well as we do! play dates became loads easier from the age of 5 and she has lots now.

playing alone is a great skill to teach your child. i have to say that i was rubbish at imparting this lesson and just lucky i have two who get on with each other (most of the time). i think others have given good advice on this one and i wish i had been a mumsnetter back then!

good luck, you are definitely not alone with these feelings.

You are being very hard on yourself. It is more difficult not to get so closely involved with an only child but you need some healthy neglect! Get her used to amusing herself, there is no need to be her constant playmate. Boredom is good for her, she will have to amuse herself. If you are chief entertainer of course she is going to be upset if you don't perform. I would set her up with an activity and then do your own thing, make it clear that you won't be available until you have finished x, y or z.
Cultivating other mothers with similar age DCs is a good idea, then you can have their DC round and leave yours with the other mother. Everyone needs time to themselves.

Louise - all I can say is that it does get easier. Your DD won't be so demanding for ever (or if she is, it will be differently demanding!!) I was a slave to my DS when he was that age (despite having a 1-y-o DD too); he didn't even go to nursery or anything, so I spent thousands of hours building Lego incinerators and eating cardboard and leaf pizzas. I didn't particularly feel the lack of my old life, but I did sometimes wish I could go for a wee without having to cart DS and DD upstairs with me (DS wouldn't be left for even a couple of minutes, which is undoubtedly because I'd unwittingly encouraged him to be clingy by never feeling I could say no to playing with him).

I did eventually discover the art of leaving them to get on with it on their own - and they have survived. I can now actually do some ironing without having to play!

It's been easier with DD, who's now 4.3 and still at home with me. She generally accepts that I have to do other things, and then I'll play with her for half an hour before making tea or whatever (until the kitchen timer rings!!)I also trained them both at 2 and 4 not to disturb me for 20 minutes after lunch so I could play the piano - it was my 20 minutes where I was doing something that wasn't child-related/domestic, and I felt that 20 minutes isn't that much to ask for. I tended to let them watch a DVD for 20 minutes (which was a treat, as they otherwise don't watch much TV).

Just keep in mind the fact that you are not abormal, and it does get better!

I am feeling very much the same these days. Dd is 3 and things have detriorated over the last couple of months. She also goes to a CM 3 days/week.

I just cannot get her to play on her own. As you say. she follows me, usually hanging on to me, if I walk out of the room for any reason. If I try to get her to help she will do it for a couple of minutes then start whining for me to play, probably clinging onto my leg while I try to finish the dishes/laundry/clearing up.

It is driving me bonkers. Playdates, usually in the afternoons, are my salvation, but she is very shy so they can easily go pair-shaped. A lot of tag-team parenting at weekends, and dh and I have decided we really must try to get on with things despite the wailing and whining.

I hate that I'm not enjoying my time with her very much. I have become her slave and as pp have said it has got to stop. No doubt there will be much protesting as I start to draw a line but it's got to happen or I willo go insane - I don't want to dread my days at home with her.

You are SO not alone!

Good points Janni.

Good luck Louise, I'm sure it will be healthier for your relationship in the long run if start to teach her that you are a human being too. Otherwise you're bound to end up resentful. I guess the strategy will be up to you but maybe she could start to understand that mummy has a quiet story time of her own at a particular time of the day? Could she cook you an imaginary dinner while you go and put your feet up for your quiet story time for 10 minutes and then bring it to you when the timer goes off? This might make her feel very grown up! Timers do seem to work wonders on our son....

btw, time will heal this too....
oh, and why not stick to activities that you personally find less soul-destroying for a while.....

Thanks again for all the really helpful responses. This morning I made dd walk down the stairs with me into the kitchen rather than carrying her. Shes been able to walk perfectly well down the stairs, holding my hand, for a long long time, but she prefers to be carried everywhere and claims she has a sore tummy whenever I reason (plead and beg!) for her to walk. This includes when we go shopping, she'd far rather be carried round a shopping centre than walk which is now impossible now shes got so big, and hasnt done any favours for my back and arm. Reading this I am shocked how I pander to her every whim! I had a pretty rotten childhood myself so think I am trying to make it up to my own daughter which isnt an excuse but helps me understand why I havent been as firm as maybe I should have been. Another of her favourite games is to go through the entire argos catalogue page by page getting me to say what everything is, this drives me insane! Maybe next time I will limit her to say 20 pages rather than 620...

Unfortunately I dont have many friends in the area who have children. I have good friends at work but most of them are high flyers and are not yet ready for children so dont really know what I mean when I tell them about how hard I find my days. However, dd has just been invited to her first party (a friend from nursery) so this will be a good opportunity to try and meet other parents. I have thought about joining toddler groups in my area but I get shy around other mothers (I worry they will know I'm not "one of them" if you know what I mean ie not a natural mother) maybe I should think about this again.

Dd is just too big for me to carry (she's a whopper!) and I went through much protesting when I put my foot down about being carried.

As for the supermarket - we've had a lot of success with a small plastic trolley for her (10 pound, toyrus). She does get tired and I end up putting her and the trolley in the big trolley but she does really like it and is walking more and more.

Acutally he CM has been fantastic getting her to walk and we have ditched the push chair (if she knows it's there - she will beg for it). Try taking her for walks without the buggy and increasing the distance - she's old enough - and don't carry her!

I made a couple of friends through dd's nursery - hope that workd out. I'm very sociable but I'm not fond of toddler groups. There are a lot of us mums split between professional jobs and playing bunny's potty training games - you just need to find a couple irl and going a bit mad.

"I worry they will know I'm not "one of them" if you know what I mean ie not a natural mother"

Oh I know what you mean. Stepping into some toddler groups is like walking into the set of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".

They vary a lot so try a few. Other human beings have been known to appear at them

it is easier if you have other kids

the top two entertain dd3(2.5) and bloody annoying a lot of the time

Louise - it can be hard when your own childhood was unhappy to resist the temptation to try to make your own children's lives perfect. As long as you are aware of what your parents got wrong, you will avoid passing it on to your daughter.

My DD would also like me to do everything for her. Usually a brisk tone and manner does the trick, but if she's insistant and I know there's no reason she can't do it herself, I walk off and say 'do it when you're ready then' and nine times out of ten she cooperates straight away because she doesn't want me to walk away.

I find that singing silly little songs is also a useful way of getting her to do things and the other thing I do is say 'a mummy's job is to teach her child how to do things. A mummy shouldn't do everything for her child or else she can't grow up to be a big girl'. That seems to work, for some reason.

My 3 year old is a joy to be with (most of the time) I wouldn't dream of carrying her down the stairs, spoon feeding her or playing imaginary games 24/7.

The brisk tone also works for me when she is being demanding. I explain that I am not carrying her, but we can sit down for a cuddle anytime she wants. I never, ever refuse affection.

I take her to lots of activities and playdates so really do expect her to entertain herself when we are at home.

there are some great ideas and support on here.

DS1 is just 4 and boy is he like this. He would have me play 24/7 and when i say no i have to do x y or z his first response is 'can i watch telly' or 'i'm hungry'. I have started insisting he plays on his own for certain period of time and its also helping him to learn how to tell the time. Like now for example he is play in his room until 2pm. Even is we are in the garden i have to watch everything he does, he even askes me what i would like to play

I think the arrival of DS2 9 months ago made me think that unless i do something this poor little chap wont get a look in with his mummy

annoyingdevil, great that you find your 3 year old a joy to be with. I think this is missing in my relationship with my dd. There are rare moments of joy, when she tells me she loves me or when we're laughing and giggling together, but mostly it is about dealing with the ongoing whining, screaming tantrums. A friend of a friend who is a nanny and has 20 years experience tells me that little boys are much easier, in her experience, to look after than little girls. This could of course be a mass generalisation and I have no idea if its true or not. I do know my friend (the only friend I have who has a child)has a 3 year old boy and he is the most calmest, laidback toddler you could ever meet. I do sometimes wonder if things would be easier (and surely they would) if my daughter wasnt so high spirited. But then of course she wouldnt be who she is and I love her dearly.

Louise - you made me laugh about the Argos catalogue. DS used to make me sit and go through it with him. It was always the endless pages of drills, Dysons and water features. Zzzzzzzzz. He did grow out of that eventually!!

My DD is a thousand times easier (maybe because she's the second child; maybe she's just an easier personality). The brisk tone and the walking away (as Janni mentioned) work every time with her, and our days are nearly all delightful (especially when DS is at school, so there is no clamouring for attention). I'm here in the study now, and she's watching her Dancing Princesses DVD!!

Louise definitely join some groups if there are any around near you. Usually there are outgoing mothers, shy mothers, earth mothers, career mothers - in other words, all sorts of mothers!

Like mumsnet, I found the mother and toddler groups that I went to great because I met other mums who I could discuss parenting with and get tips and all sorts of information and I could also observe other mothers and see how they dealt with situations and assess whether their approaches would work for me!

Even the mum's who seem to be taking it all in their stride are often just very laid back individuals generally, or are good at hiding their own insecurities about parenting. We all have moments when our kids drive us nuts - it helps to have some close "mother" friends that you can confide in and trust - they can be very helpful if you find the right folk. Good luck!

Btw - I have a ds who could be the exception to the rule as far as your nanny friend's theory is concerned - he is highly strung and high, high energy. He HAS to play outside at the park or the woods once a day or he is absolutely awful with pent up energy, which translates into whining, tantrums and generally irritating behaviour!

Also some children seem just to need more input than others. A friend of mine who is really capable and a teacher to boot has been on her knees because her 2 year old requires constant entertainment.

Have you tried toys that absorb them on their own? Recently bought (second hand for peanuts) a garage with lots of bits. DD (2) played with it on her own for half an hour today worth every penny.

Louise, my ds is the whingy, tantrummy one. (although absolutely gorgeous, of course!) So I personally think it's personality, not gender.

Plus, I do think that we expect more from little girls and therefore expect more from their behavoir - it's the same for women.

I guess I'm a pretty laid back person too (like somebody above mentioned) I choose which battles to fight very carefully indeed - which can make for a pretty chaotic household.

Louise,

As everyone else has says, this is such a tricky age (not called threenagers for nothing). I think my dd is at the easy end of the spectrum and she still drives me to distraction at times .

I think maybe you've given in to her a lot to compensate for your own childhood and also because it seems the easy thing to do? Trouble is that tends to backfire and the whinginess just goes into overdrive and everything you want her to do descends into a fight!

My advice, such as it is and mostly gleaned from mumsnet:

• Pick your fights. If dd wants to go out without a coat I warn her she'll get cold then leave her to it. I'll carry the coat and she can put it on 100 yeards down the road.

• Turn as much as possible into a game. If we're going out I'll say stuff like "Who's ready to go out? What do we need to do to go out?" or "Is everybody ready? Oh no! Ds hasn't got his shoes on, what are we going to do about that??"

• Leave LOADS of time to get ready for anything, dd is an utter nightmare if we're rushing.

• I avoid telling dd to do things if possible as it leads to the inevitable "NO" and ensuing battle. If there's a mess then I'll say something like "look at the mess, what shall we do about this?" in the hope that she'll say "Let's tidy" (sometimes works.......).

• playdates/playgroups/park/library etc - I get out as much as possible.

• "How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk" is a great book often recommended on MN and by 3 they are old enough to use some of the strategies in it on them.

• It's a heck of a lot easier to dispense parenting advice than to be a mum. I spend a lot of my day belowing "because I said so" and STOP WHINGING. I'm at the wine now while my little angels are watching In The Night Garden .