I want to co-sleep but have some questions...

[Ginni]

My partner and I are keen to try out co-sleeping to help us bond with our daughter (btw she's still in-utero, due in Jan!). My main concerns might sound silly, but I would really like some advice if possible. I'm worried about the bedding. I know newborns aren't supposed to have a pillow or duvets at all, so how do you make up your bed so there is a spot for your baby while you and your partner can remain warm under the covers? Is it simply a case of putting her at the edge of the bed (the edge which is pushed right up against the wall!) with no pillow and duvet over her, and then making an effort through the night to make sure the duvet doesn't cover her. Also, if she was in a cot I know the advice is to put her so her feet are at the bottom of the bed with room around her head to circulate. So by the same logic is it advisable to put her about a meter from the top of the bed?

I am aware this question might sound silly as I am writing it, but I am genuinly concerned and want to make sure i'm doing the right thing to ensure her safety.

Funny - if you had told me that story before I had my baby I would have frowned thinking it is no good, Marlasinger!

Today I am smiling! And laughing at poking eyes - been there done that!!! My DD is two and a half and dh and I are quite certain it is her that will say "Can I sleep in my own bed now." Rather than us that send her there... but that day is a long way off for now. We will worry about it when it comes to it.

I did it like a military operation with a newborn, and now, looking back, some of it does look a bit OCD, but it meant that I was relaxed and confident about definitely being safe.

Baby in sleepsuit. Cot sheet under baby, folding round their far side, and then up and over the top of them coming towards me. I lay on the spare fold of cot sheet (that baby ain't going anywhere), facing baby, with baby at boob height, my lower arm curled over their head, my knees curled up almost touching their feet.

Double duvet mostly scrunched around my back, and coming tightly over my shoulder and down between my knees. That duvet ain't going Anywhere Near the baby.

When I wanted to turn over in the night, I reversed the whole arrangement, and quickly got good at doing it without waking! Duvet on the OTHER side, pull baby on to warm bit I was just sleeping in, flip 'em over, sheet under me, latch 'em on again, duvet between my knees, hear birdsong because it is morning already

At first, OH was relegated to another bed, but once baby was rolling and pretty strong, that was no longer an issue (you think you can roll on and suffocate an 8-month-old (say) without the 8-month old struggling or kneeing you in the ribs? Yeah, good luck with that...) and the whole palaver with the separate bedding and the duvet between knees gradually faded between 6 months and a year, I think. Can't really remember.

Child in own bed - gradual process, just like Tink'sMum. Child gradually put to bed in own bed, and visits to parental bed less and less frequent as child needing comfort in the night less and less. I don't think I can easily answer the "when did your child stop sleeping in your bed?" question. For a family with an open bed policy, the answer will depend on whether you take the question as meaning "when did you stop putting child to sleep in the family bed every night?" or "when did your child stop coming in for dozy morning snuggles?" or "when did child stop coming in for reassurance after a nightmare?" or "when did child stop bringing their christmas stocking into your bed to open it?" yk?

Still co-sleeping with 14 month old son, hubby and ( against advice and my preference) hubby's cat. Never had any real problems. We have a queen sized and a single mattress pushed together on the floor giving plenty of wriggle room. I wrap a single duvet round my lower hale af wear a nighty with the buttons cut off (and cardy if it's cold. DS will not tolerate any covers so dress him accordingly. Can't imagine sleeping in a separate bed although I expect it will happen eventually

...or Bots do a really good soft one that launders well. Is good for worries about waters breaking too.

Hi, we co-slept with DD1 and will be with DC2 next year.

I would use a bed rail even with bed against the wall. Also, for covers we found grobags to be best. Once she was older she moved to the middle over the duvet but this was once she was 6mo. My pillows - I had them right in the middle and slept on the edge of them so she had a wide open space at the edge of the bed.

Good luck!

Kat

www.mamatobegoodies.co.uk

i didnt plan to co-sleep with ds1 it just happened. dp worked nights and i was so tired getting up to him all the time, i ended up falling asleep in bed while i bf. i didnt tell the hv either, as they were all about having him in another room etc etc which i didnt like.
he is now nearly 10 and if he could sleep in our bed still he would, he will ask if daddy is on a night duty tonight, if so he wants to sleep in with me and ds2. ( so occassionally i tell him no daddy will be home at 11pm as he clings to me in his sleep ALL night!)
we co-slept with ds2 from the off. when i was hospital i laid on my side to feed him and the midwives went mad in case i fell asleep!! so i had to play along with them till i got out 4 days later and have been co-sleeping scince. he is 2years 3 months now, we have brought him a bed as he sleeps across the bed now and takes up so much room but we are having trouble getting him in it.

but otherwise co-sleeping worked out well for both of our ds's and us

We didn't plan to co-sleep but with early breastfeeding (I didn't feed for long though) it was great. We often do (now with our third) because she sometimes sleeps through in a cot by the bed (she's 6 months) and sometimes comes in with us at least for part of the night. I can only relax enough to sleep myself when she is in the crook of my arm and I can sense her breath. Although that awful story made me think - but wouldn't stop me doing it since as mentioned most SIDS happen when the baby is not close by and it is very rare thanks to a superb public info campaign. All three of ours have spent a lot of time in our bed. Some people warn you off and say they will never leave but that's not true! The first thing I would buy if we had a bigger room and the cash would be a massive bed so all five of us could sleep in there together and still get some sleep. Sometimes I love having them all in their own beds and my DH and me alone in ours, but other times, on a rainy night, I love us all snuggled in together.

Also - when you go away you don't need a travel cot - just bundle in as usual. Earlier in the evening when the baby was asleep before us we'd just keep them downstairs in a basket so we weren't worried about rolling off the big bed or getting stuck under covers etc. Then take them up with us. They sleep through any old noise now - didn't keep the house quiet or anything like that.

I wouldn't let the children sleep in at the same time as the baby though - they sleep so heavily and much less aware of flailing limbs etc. So that will wait until little one is more of a toddler.

Good luck - having all the people you love tucked up together is a lovely feeling.

worley I had the same thing and I wasn't allowed to carry her, I had to wheel the goldfish bowl around - even when she soaked her bed during a nappy change, they told me off for taking her to the nurses station

i had to do that also!! push him up and down in the platic cot thing, they also wouldnt let ds1 in to see his new baby brother so i had to push him up to the doors so he could see him!! heaven forbid i carried him anywhere, we also got escorted out of the maternity unit and down to the car.
(and i work in the hospital fgs!they trust me in their scbu but not to look after my own baby!)

Tea for two, you can get those 'sheet' you mentioned on the nappy lady website, www.nappylady.co.uk/public/productdetails.aspx?id=40&cat=5

Sorry, can't seem to get the link to work.
You can get the bed protectors on the nappy lady site and you look in accessories.
I have one as a changing mat. They're very good.

I did point out that I live in a low riser and the floor is as concrete as the hospital AND I don't have any flooring! They said it's to stop babies cracking thier skulls

We slept with DD in a sidecar cot (3 sides, mattress at same level as our bed) in a grobag, which meant it was easy for me to have the edge of the duvet and still cuddle her without worrying about her rolling underneath it or onto the pillows.

Also DH was not confident that he wouldn't roll on her, so it made sense for her to be on my side rather than in the middle. I have to say I am not sure whether men have the same instinct about curling safely around the baby.

We were all very happy with the arrangement, even though it wasn't really planned... unless you count DD's plans, which have always been pretty clear.

Regarding moving her into her own bed - I don't think it's true to say that it is difficult at all, just that the right moment may be further away than you think when you've got a tiny baby. When DD was two and a half she moved into her own bed and then into her own room completely happily and has never since even tried to come into our bed in the night. It doesn't seem to occur to her.

Good luck with your new little one, Ginni - and I hope you end up doing whatever you are really happy with and don't let anyone pressure you. It is surprising how much pressure there can be.... especially after about 6 months when everyone else seems to be putting their babies in their own rooms and getting evangelical about it!

Maenad/Hanaflower - that is so true.

I don't start the night co-sleeping, but it's often easier to end the night that way. And surely wanting to be close is the most natural thing in the world.

I second the gro bags recomendation.

BTW not all health visitors are anti-co-sleeping. One at our centre said that people have been doing it for 100's of years and it is the norm in a huge number of countries - it's personal choice.

I co-slept with DS most of the time, I used to place him right up at the top of the bed so that the duvet would have to go over my head before it went over his. He went in between me and ex-p. He had his own gro-bag, and being high up the bed out from under the duvet made sure he didn't get too hot.

I didn't co-slep with DD so muchbecasue she seemed to sleep better from teh start, and because 4 in the bed was a bit squashed. Now they're 4 and 2.5 years, and they almost always wake in the night, go to sleep with them till teh fall asleep again, and by 6am we're all in the same bed (no Dp now so have lots of room!).

I did used to worry about SIDS though.

I third the grobag.

SorRY, HAVEN'T read the whole thread, but this is what I did when ds was small.

I used to pull the duvet over my shoulder and tuck it in between my knees so there was no way that it would cover ds. He was under his own wee blanket, you know the baby ones with the holes in it.

DH was in the other bed because he didn't like being disturbed but I guess it could work with two single duvets.

DS slept on the outside of the bed (bedrail) and I fed him from both sides, just turning a bit further round so he could feed from the "top" breast without me having to move him to the other side.

Now he is nearly three, and when we do co sleep, it's so snuggly under the covers together.

Just to add my voice to the recommendation to read Three In A Bed ... it really is a very good book, and very reassuring.

We didn't co-sleep with our first child but did with our second and intend to with our third (due in November). We originally started bringing our son into bed with us because his breathing at night was very erratic and I would lie awake listening to him in his moses basket, waiting for the breathing to regulate ... I got no sleep. When I took him into bed next to me, his breathing immediately became calm, unhurried and regular. It just seemed that this was telling me something about his relaxation and anxiety levels, and it certainly did wonders for me. It also, of course, made breast feeding easier.

We kept our son lightly dressed in a short sleeved vest and used a lightweight duvet (he was a winter-born baby), with a pillow below him in the bed (so he couldn't wriggle down) and no pillow above him. He slept between the wall and me, with my partner on the other side. (Although I'm afraid hubby was banished if he had drunk any alcohol anyway!). We stuffed a rolled up blanket between the edge of the mattress and the wall so there was no gap.

I agree with the person who said that if you co-sleep regularly you do develop a very strong awareness of your baby and his/her state which I think offers a very strong protection against any of the so-called dangers of co-sleeping. I'd even say that I developed a sleep pattern to match his. The benefit of this is that you are surfacing from sleep just as it is time for a feed and so you tend to feel less groggy/resentful about being woken.

Another authority in favour of co-sleeping is William Sears in his The Baby Book (the chapter on night-time parenting.)

This is obviously a subject about which many people have strong and contradictory views and, like many things to do with adjusting to being a mother, I think the best advice is to trust your instincts and do what feels right.

Good luck with your decision.

When she is born it will all come naturally...just do what feels right at the time. We slept with our two (twins) between us in the bed, and my husband put sides on the bed as well so no way they could fall out. You are so aware of them (well I was) even when you are sleeping. I would just say to dress warm because you can't pull the covers up over the baby - obviously...so maybe sleep in a warm jumper then you dont' have to worry, mine slept kind of in the crook of my arm, heads in my armpits...

I co-slept with DS. When he was tiny we had bedside cot on a level with the bed, but with him on the bed not the cot -that was just so he wouldn't fall out. He never went between me and DH. He always wore a sleep suit and Grobag and I had a single 2.5 tog duvet while DH had the usual duvet (or slept in the spare bed if he needed undisturbed sleep). I used to wear warm PJs and bed socks if I was cold. I never cuddled DS while we co-slept except when BF, he had his own space around him clear from pillows/covers . When he was about 4/5 months IIRC we moved him into the cotbed still next to the bed, then moved the cot away a couple of feet with the sides up, then into his own room at about 7 months. We never had any problem moving him out of our bed, he doesn't come in our now at all at 18 months (we even try to that we can get some extra sleep but he wants to be up and at 'em and wriggles around until he climbs out)

I am getting something like

this for when dc #2 is born. I think that it is a good compromise between co-sleeping and a cot and will suit me and my dh (and our ds who still likes to climb into the big bed with us).

I want the baby as close as possible at night for bfing and comfort, but would worry alot about sleeping in the same bed.