I want to co-sleep but have some questions...

[Ginni]

My partner and I are keen to try out co-sleeping to help us bond with our daughter (btw she's still in-utero, due in Jan!). My main concerns might sound silly, but I would really like some advice if possible. I'm worried about the bedding. I know newborns aren't supposed to have a pillow or duvets at all, so how do you make up your bed so there is a spot for your baby while you and your partner can remain warm under the covers? Is it simply a case of putting her at the edge of the bed (the edge which is pushed right up against the wall!) with no pillow and duvet over her, and then making an effort through the night to make sure the duvet doesn't cover her. Also, if she was in a cot I know the advice is to put her so her feet are at the bottom of the bed with room around her head to circulate. So by the same logic is it advisable to put her about a meter from the top of the bed?

I am aware this question might sound silly as I am writing it, but I am genuinly concerned and want to make sure i'm doing the right thing to ensure her safety.

[shivers]

Deborah Jackson's book Three in a Bed covers everything you need to know, and or the SEARS books on parenting (US pediatricians) or books by La Leche League. From personal experience of co-sleeping from birth with both my children it's pretty straightforward and presents no health risk or danger. My husband and I have a single duvet each in a double bed so I share my duvet with baby. I dress baby in a body or nappy only if summer. I keep baby close to me all night, under my arm and close to breast and am alert to the slightest unusual snuffle or whimper. In four years we've had only a handful of nights disturbed by crying as this almost never occurs - baby falls straight back to sleep as soon as he finds nipple which he does instinctively. You also learn to half wake up and fall back to sleep very rapidly when baby feeds or comfort suckles. You are so conscious of your baby's presence I really don't believe that co-sleeping can present any risk to your baby and certainly a great deal less then leaving them in another room on their own.

As for weaning them off co-sleeping, around age 24 months I weaned my eldest off the breast and Dad would cuddle him to sleep. Within three months of that date he was in his own bed and sleeping through the night without problem. He's now almost four and is one of the few kids we know that doesn't need a bottle, dummy or teddy bear to get to sleep at night. A quick story, kiss goodnight, lights off and he's away till morning. So two years' of heavy duty parenting has paid off!

Good luck!

[maggiebhowell]

I have co slept with all four of my boys and still have the 2 little ones (aged 3 and 1) with us. It was the only real option for us - i just could not imagine doing anything else - it is the most natural approach - there is nothing natural or instincvie about a cot let alone putting your child in another room.

Also as I come from Denmark - everyone in Denmark sleeps with a duvet - you buy infant, junior and children's duvets - no self respecting mother in denmark would be without her baby's duvet and No babies do not suffocate - so one less thing to worry about.

My advice is always to listen to your instincts - what feels right to you - government guidelines are not based on instinct!

[WonkaBar]

There is nothing more beautiful than feeling the warmth of my daughters skin next to me, more reassuring than the sound of her breathing, or lovlier than her smile and "mama" when she awakens.

I have loved not getting up to nurse...and at 18 months she still nurses.

I at times miss waking up alone with hubby for a nice morning romp however :-)

After doing the research, I feel co-sleeping is safer (done smartly)than a cot. Much of this whole anti cosleeping business was pushed for by ... who else ... the cot makers. Always follow the money trail!

We now have a matress on the floor next to the bed, and use that for her naps, as a way to slowly transition her to her own space at some point. Probably not till at least 2, I would miss it too much.

[stukkaroo]

my nearly 5yr old still sleeps with me, and has done since birth.it has caused a few problems with me being tired, but i am so attentive that there was no problem with her getting squashed,or overheated,or too cold....it was very natural for us, a natural instinct to feel her movements etc.

[mumofkandj]

I felt so much better when I followed my instincts and kept J in bed with us, and she's still co-sleeping with us. I got so much more sleep and felt much nearer human with a tiny baby than I did last time!

For me co-sleeping was the best thing in the world, but I also have friends who couldn't contemplate bed sharing.

Personally I have a cot next to my bed (note to self, need to tie it to our bed as J is On The Move now at 5 months).
I'm aware sharing on memory foam is not recommended, but if you do be aware baby does keep very warm (when we share on an ordinary bed she needs another layer or warmer grobag), J is on top of our old patchwork quilt in a 1 tog grobag and a t-shirt.

Oh and the thing that convinced me was her breathing- in the moses basket next to us I could hear her stop breathing for 5-10 seconds (ok, was reaching for her well before 10 secs but did once wait til 10 before prodding her) and in our bed her breathing was better, and always had my arm around her in the early weeks so could feel as well as hear her breath.

The downside- occasionally a cold boob when I sleep through getting it out!

I feel as long as you are aware of what you are doing, and others here have highlighted the major considerations, minimise any risks you see, try it, enjoy it!

BTW, how do you fence off around your entire bed and still get in without disturbing other bed users?? We have a king size in a room kingsize + 10 inches (except side with cot!), tight squeeze around bed on a divan base, thanks for any advice.

[Leoness]

I haven't read all the posts... but with all decision you make with a child remember there are as many ways to do things as there are people in the world. You should (and will) tune into your maternal instincts and know whether sleeping with your LO will work for you. You will find you have a special part of your brain now totally tuned into him/her. You'll sense him/her in the bed with you, where he/she is whether he/she's hot or cold etc. I don't think you have that deep deep sleep again when you're co-sleeping.

I think co-sleeping is a lovely thing to do. When my DS was born I couldn't understand or figure out why?how? I could put him in the plastic cradle next to the bed in the hospital - for me I should be touching him after all he'd been inside me all that time.

It made sense for him to sleep with us a lot in the first few months especially. But he slept plenty on his own in the cradle next to the bed in the day - remember they sleep a lot at the beginning!

My DS has slept regularly in our bed but I do want him to feel fine about sleeping in his own bed in his room (-which he did from 6 months) too. It's helpful to keep it working both ways IYSWIM.

It's nice to go to bed and read, watch tv or whatever so it's better now that he's not in the bed at least at the beginning of the night. However almost every night around 4/5 am he calls "Mama" and I go get him and he sleeps until 8 in the middle of us, between our heads I suppose. ( we do have a big super-king bed, which helps)

I will say though, I have had no end of night wakings (not quite nightmares) thinking he's lost in the bed, in my sleep I'm frantically searching the bed clothes for him asking "Where's LO?" only for DP to say he's in his cot.

He also has a new habit of pulling my hair across his face, which can be annoying for me trying to sleep.

• What I'm trying to explain is that it has unsettled my sleep too.

Still I wouldn't change a thing I love the closeness I have with my LO and I would recommend it.

[organictrish]

I have a global brio bedside crib, which is a lovely wooden crib with legs adjustable to the height of most beds, they also make a dropside cot.

Well they don't make either anymore but they are available second hand on ebay pretty cheap.

Our DD is still in our bed from her first night waking and I am due to birth our second DD this week, who will also be demand fed and in our bed.

I sometimes find I can't sleep with out DD, we all sleep very well, n ewborn babes head propped up to my outstreched arm, and newborns feet resting on my crooked knees, it works a treat.

DD age 2 is straight under the duvet with us.

if the new babe doesn't chase her out of the bed I am about to buy a 3 ft kiddies bed to go next to our double, buy matching single bedlineen to our double bedlinen and put the 2 year old in that.

Of course it makes babysitters and weekends away tricky!! grannys are never amused at the concept, in fact DD age 2 is soon to have her first night away during my homebirth and her carers are already tersing their lips at the nightime routine!! Please god they don't leave her to scream!

enjoy co-sleeping, it's love;y, children are tiny fo briefly, best to enjoy it!

[sinpan]

I co-slept with both my children from birth to about 5 months. It seemed unnatural to expect them to sleep alone in a cot after 9 months in the womb and besides (and just as importantly IMO) it gave me a much better night's sleep. I lay on my side facing the baby who lay on his back on the other side from DP who is a heavy sleeper - I never put the baby in the middle. I curved my arm round the baby's head or sometimes held the baby in the crook of my arm and drew my knees up underneath the baby's feet, forming a kind of protective coccoon round the baby so he couldn't roll out of the bed. I've since read in the NCT mag that this is the naturally instinctive way for breastfeeding mothers to sleep with their babies. I stopped breastfeeding DS1 after 2 weeks but continued sleeping with him - I did have a crib in the room but rarely used it. I continued feeding DS2 and was really grateful for co-sleeping at that point as it meant I got enough sleep to be able to cope with two under-twos next day.

By the time they reached 5 months or so they both had started to kick quite a lot so I wasn't having quite such a peaceful night any more. I moved them in the crib next to the bed and eventually into their own rooms. I don't remember having any problems at all. My children are 9 and 10 now, very healthy and happy.

I think the breastfeeding connection is important and is maybe why SIDS is lower in countries where co-sleeping is the norm, contradicitng the advice sometimes given in the UK that co-sleeping may be a factor for SIDS.

[canda]

Is there some problem with memory foam for co-sleeping?

I started co-sleeping with my baby by accident (kept falling asleep breastfeeding) so wanted to make it safer. I thought I'd got it more or less right until I read above a couple of people suggesting that memory foam mattresses are unsafe.

Can anyone give any more info on this? I have scoured the internet but have found no evidence that there is a problem with memory foam. That's not to say there is no problem, and obviously I am now paranoid, so if anyone can help, that would be great.

[magicfairy]

re; memeory foam, we have it and co sleep, ds1 is 2 and ds2 is 4 months, and we have had no problems, thats not to say there isnt a problem

[mrskingred]

mothering.com (a us natural family magazine) recently had a seminar about co-sleeping which featured an expert panel including Dr. James McKenna a leading co-sleeping researcher.
Hopefully this is the link: www.mothering.com/interactive/webinars/cosleeping.html

[ButtonMeUp]

I co-slept with both ds's, altho ds2 (9 months) is now is cot by the bed, due to the fact that he is a little mover and coming off the bed probably isnt very good for him.

I still bfeed and bring him into bed with me.

In terms of bedding (ds2 was end of dec baby) I used a bed sheet and fleece blankets and didnt have the duvet on the bed at all.

Absolutely love co-sleeping but of course made sure i followed safety guidelines, no alcohol, dont smoke etc

[nappyaddict]

i have a couple of questions for co-sleepers

say your lo goes to bed at 7 do you put them in your bed at 7 on their own or what? what happens if they roll off?

also how do you have sex with a lo in the bed with you?

[GreenMonkies]

We have a bdeside cot, one of the 3 sided ones that is essentially an extension of our bed. It's fantastic. All the "pro's" of co-sleeping (easy night feeds, closeness, security etc) and none of the "cons" (lack of space, alledged dangers of over-laying/smothering). From feedback I've had from other mothers who hae used "Arms Reach" type cribs is that whilst they do keep the baby close etc but you do have to pick the baby up to feed them and then put them back in it afterwards, just like you do with a moses basket pulled up right next to the bed, which negates some of the convenience of co-sleeping, and also, they are smaller than standard cots (like the Mothercare bedside cot we have, which we got from ebay for £26) so baby grows out of them relatively quickly. DD2 is now 2 and is still very happy in "her bed" and we are only now just starting to look for some bunk beds so that she can move into DD1's room at some point!

Deborah Jacksons "Three in a bed" should be given out to all preggers at antenatal classes, not so that they all decide to co-sleep, but because it leads you to understand your babies needs and instinctive expectations and helps you to see things from your babies perspective.

Ginni Have you been looking at slings too?

[GreenMonkies]

Oh, a MW once told me that 40% of SIDS cases were co-sleeping babies. She was very confused when I laughed, so I explained that his meant that 60% of SIDS cases were in cots, which meant that a baby was less likely to become a SIDS victim if it was in bed with it's mother.........

[RachelS]

I co-slept with my 3 little DDs. Never once was it dangerous or disturbing, nor did I ever have a problem getting them into their own rooms or their own beds. Personally I thought they were more secure and felt safer because of what we did. DH read a book called "Three in a Bed" which is full of sensible advice and busts apart lots of misconceptions. I would really recommend the book, by Deborah someone-or-rather. If you really want it I can look it up for you. Just try Amazon.

[RachelS]

Also, to answer a previous question... I found that while nursing and co-sleeping that the baby naturally slept in the crook of your arm with their head about breast height and your arm around them. I woke once to find that I was hoding the duvet naturally off the baby but they were warm and cosy next to me and I could feel the breathing. Much more natural and reassuring!! Beware of the "it's dangerous" crowd. Ginni, try it with a teddy bear or a doll and you'll see what I mean about the natural position thing.

[GreenMonkies]

lo goes to bed at 7 do you put them in your bed at 7 on their own or what? what happens if they roll off?"

DD2 slept either on my lap or in a baby chair thingy and then came to bed with us until she was about 9 months old. Once she was going to bed before us I put our duvet (rolled up like a bolster) across the join between her cot and our bed, this stopped kept her safe from rolling on to he floor.

"also how do you have sex with a lo in the bed with you?"

You don't, you have sex in the bathroom, on the sofa, on the floor-cushions/bean bag etc, just like you used to before you had kids! Who says sex has to be confined to the bed at "bed-time"?

[Ginni]

I was going to buy an Amby for daytime sleeps, then something like the Snuggle Nest for the first few weeks of co-sleeping. Now i've heard about the Arm's Reach i'm in a dilemma as to whether or not to get that instead of the Amby?

I've found some large chamois leathers on Amazon (try the spelling change from shammy!) and will get one of those too

[GreenMonkies]

Ginni

I refer you to my earlier post;

"We have a bedside cot, one of the 3 sided ones that is essentially an extension of our bed. It's fantastic. All the "pro's" of co-sleeping (easy night feeds, closeness, security etc) and none of the "cons" (lack of space, alledged dangers of over-laying/smothering). From feedback I've had from other mothers who have used "Arms Reach" type cribs is that whilst they do keep the baby close etc but you do still have to pick the baby up to feed them and then put them back in it afterwards, just like you do with a moses basket pulled up right next to the bed, which negates some of the convenience of co-sleeping, and also, they are smaller than standard cots (like the Mothercare bedside cot we have, which we got from ebay for £26) so baby grows out of them relatively quickly."

[kitkat9]

I'll be using one of these when ds2 comes along. Pretty sure you can get them in the UK to, maybe try a google search....

I co-slept with ds1 and dd, more by circumstance than planning - it is way easier to bf through the night without having to haul yourself up and down - especialy if you're recovering after a tear etc from childbirth, as I was with ds1. I couldn't walk after his birth as I was so badly injured, and having him in bed with me all the time was the easiest option. He lay beside me in his sleepsuit with a light blanket over him, and no pillows anywhere near him.

[GreenMonkies]

KitKat, how do you bf when baby is in one of those? Do the sides fold down or do you have to lift baby out to feed them?

To me, if you have to lift/move baby to move them it makes it just as disruptive/inconvenient as a moses basket or Arms Reach/Snuggle Nest.

[babaduck]

We have a mattress with a memory foam topper built into it. I think memory foam is a no-no. The problem with memory foam is that because it conforms around your every fold and crease, if a baby rolls on to her face, it can squoosh around her nose and mouth, and smother her. How we work it is, we have an Aerosleep mattress topper under the baby, whch seems to be a fantastic invention, and i find it gives me great peace of mind. Don't like our current mattress, so going to buy a new one in xmas sales anyway. I do find our 6 and half month old a v restless sleeper and am getting a bit tired, but find co-sleeping v natural.

[kitkat9]

hmm, hadn't really thought of that as I usually bf with baby in my arms anyway, so would be picking him up. It's more of a safety thing, and means he won't roll out, and so I can put him into bed before I have to go to bed too, iyswim.

Also you can use it in the cot when the time comes to move the baby (assuming baby is small enough of course) and he'll still be in his familiar bed within the cot. I say this as I found the transition for ds1 from my bed to his cot extremely difficult.

[nappyaddict]

what if they haven't got a cot next to your bed though? how do you stop them from rolling out or trying to climb down?