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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Sould we go to my brothers wedding ?

40 replies

mummyloveslucy · 13/07/2008 18:21

Hi, my brother is getting married in september to a woman who is basically as rough as a rat catchers dog. She is a lot older than him and has never worked in her life. Anyway we make the effort for his sake and deep down she is not a bad person. They have asked her sisters children to be page boys (they are 3 and 6) and both have behavural problems and sware like trupers. Her 2 daughters are bridesmaids (6 and 12) and my brothers cousen is also going to be a bridesmaid. I have asked my brother wether our 3 year old daughter will be a bridesmaid and he said no, because she's too young. They are having a badly behaved 3 year old page boy so why not our daughter, who is very well behaved and is used to going to church. I see this as an indirect insult and my Dad has said that if he was me he wouldn't go to the wedding because of it. What would you do? would you go for your brothers sake or say sod it, if my daughter is not good enough to be a bridesmaid then we woun't be comming.

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orangehead · 13/07/2008 18:28

Perhaps they have a budget for bridesmaids/pageboys, and as with most weddings the bride makes the decision and hubby2b says 'yes dear'. I think you possibly reading too much into it and if you love your brother you should go

FabioTheLiterateCat · 13/07/2008 18:32

Perhaps they sense your disapproval.

AbbeyA · 13/07/2008 18:33

I would go and support your brother.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/07/2008 18:34

I would very willingly buy her the dress, shoes etc if it was for that reason.(maybe I should mention this). I do love him and do want to go but feel quite offended.

OP posts:

themildmanneredjanitor · 13/07/2008 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McDreamy · 13/07/2008 18:35

I would be quite upset but I think I wold go.

themildmanneredjanitor · 13/07/2008 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeaver · 13/07/2008 18:36

I'd rise above it and go.

Miggsie · 13/07/2008 18:40

Sounds spookily like my brother...his wife is as rough as a badger's arse as my Dad puts it, and she is much older than my brother too.
We all dutifully went to the wedding, the bride got utterly pissed and started swearing at the hotel owner...
My dad told my brother point blank he was making a mistake.

I'd be pissed off at the omission of your child, having a page boy and not a young bridesmaid is shitty.

Have a long talk to your brother, all the wedding arrangements are normally done by the bride and her mother/family so I would see this as an ominous sign if your child is omitted.

I don't want to sound hysterical or anything but my SIL has been a nightmare these past 16 years and riven the family in two, we are all banned from my brother's house. See if you can find out why your brother is marrying her, my brother married his wife as "he felt sorry for her", not the best reason.

luckylady74 · 13/07/2008 18:40

I have been in/heard of similar situations. Being the better person and going is the right thing to do - I'm sure my 3yr old wouldn't be bothered about not having to pose for endless photos.
My friend who was in an identical situation, dressed her 3yr old dd in bridesmaidy type clothes and angled her towards the photographer at all times!

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/07/2008 18:42

Fabio- yes they probubly do. I've told my brother that I think he might end up regretting it. Her 2 daughters have challenging behaviour, probubly because she never does anything with them. They stay in their rooms all day and only come down to eat. She runs up huge bills and was recently caught on a dating website and when questioned she said it was to meet female friends. She goes out drinkind and comes home at 4 or 5 am nearly every weekend.
I just don't know what he's letting himself in for. I know he has to make his own mistakes but I've always looked out for my little brother.

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babyelephant · 13/07/2008 18:44

Presumably she's as keen on you as you are on her, so she won't be bothered about having your DD as a bridesmaid, harsh as it sounds.

You could have a word with your brother but that will be asking him to take sides which puts him in an awkward position and tis not fair.

TBH if I was getting married and knew my fiance's sister thought I was rough as a rat catcher's dog (What an expression! ) then I would possibly think "Stuff you looking down your nose at me yet wanting your DD to be my bridesmaid).

That's probably why your DD hasn't been asked.

Avoid giving this woman the satisfaction of seeing you bothered because that's what she wants. Just get your DD a beautiful long, white, frilly dress and dress her up big time on the day

themildmanneredjanitor · 13/07/2008 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

luckylady74 · 13/07/2008 18:45

Is 'ominous' not a little ott? My 3 don't get much attention from my sil- she's busy and why would I care? Different if it were grandparents, but the op's dad sounds like he's very protective of his grand daughter.
Starting feuds/ huffing about this is really 'rough' behaviour- don't lower yourself to her level.

pamelat · 13/07/2008 18:49

I would go and I would have my little girl on best behaviour and buy her the most beautiful dress and try to rise above it (it would still upset me)

I agree that women tend (in my experience) to get more say on things like this. Your brother may feel uncomfortable in telling you that she doesnt want your daughter as her bridesmaid/flower girl (after all female wedding roles are chosen by the women?) and therefore is coming up with the age excuse

Just try to not mention it, avoid too many glasses of plonk (as otherwise i know I would say something!)

Its his wedding etc etc ...

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/07/2008 18:49

I've never made her feel judged(intentionly) I am very nice to her and I'm very tactfull with my brother too.
I asked him why he is marreing her and he said that "she want's to, and I don't really mind". He said it was only a piece of paper. He also said that she cooks nice food and I'd have no where to go if she kicked me out.

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LongLiveGreenElizabeth · 13/07/2008 18:50

People were gushing about how nice you were on another thread. You are going to coast on the coat tails of your rep now!!

Just because your brother is marrying somebody older than him does not mean that they don't love eachother. Two good friends of mine have great marriages to men 6 and 7 years younger. It's up to them who they choose to be bridesmaids.

I'll admit I wouldn't be thrilled if my brother were to marry somebody as 'rough as a rat catcher's dog but then, if the only daughter of the thirteenth Earl of Gloucester(eg !?) were engaged to your brother, they might be saying the ssame thing about your family. It's all relative.

DontlookatmeImshy · 13/07/2008 18:51

Rise above it. Go for your brothers sake.

Do you think she will care if you don't go. Probably not, but your brother probably be will.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/07/2008 19:00

Yes it's my daughter that's in little Ladies.
I will do that, get der dressed up beautifully and go to see my brother get married. My Dad is very protective over his Granddaughter, he's more offended by this than I am. That's why I wanted your oppinions as I'm very easy going but don't want to take this insult.
My Dad is horrified that she will be taking his family name.

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Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/07/2008 19:06

LongLiveGreenElizabeth- It's not the age gap that concerns me. You'de have to meet her to understand. I hope she does make my brother happy, I just can't see it though.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/07/2008 19:24

I try not to judge her too much,( as rough as a rat catchers dog is my Dads saying). I just thought it sounded funny. I know that everyone is a result of their up bringing and her mother has been an alcoholic, in prison etc. It's not her fault she is the way she is, but she is a man eater and comming home at 5am when my brother is worried sick is not a good start.

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babyelephant · 13/07/2008 21:52

It is unfair about your DD plus you are entitled to be worrying if your DB is making a mistake particularly if he feels he has nowhere else to go - but ultimately he's an adult and has to make his own decisions.

You are allowed to say if you think she's rough, that's your opinion so fair enough. The expression you used TBH I can imagine a Dad of a certain age saying - my dad says things like "XXX (celebrity) has got a face like a bag of chisels", or "XXX is more crackers than a cracker" etc .

zippitippitoes · 13/07/2008 21:57

well er maybe you should be pleased your dd isnt going to be a bridesmaid

i would just go along and enjoy the day

sibs choices are a mystery if db thinks he will be happy then he probably will

did they meet on a dating site? just nosey

nannyL · 14/07/2008 00:29

I'd go too!

thumbwitch · 14/07/2008 00:44

I too think you should go so that you will never regret having missed it, if that makes sense. Also because it is for your brother - he would likely be upset if you didn't go. My brother and I don't get on, don't speak really but he still came to my wedding last year.

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