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Slapped my 6yo boy this morning - am I evil?

212 replies

Rococorita · 08/07/2008 09:15

Can't stop crying. My 6yo DS was acting up before school this morning. Wouldn't get dressed, shouting rude things at me, and finally whacking me. I snapped and slapped him - quite hard - on the cheek. I have never done this before. He was shocked and burst into tears. On the way to school I told him I loved him and was sorry but he said he hated me and would never kiss me again. I'm a complete wreck.

Have I done irreparable damage - and should I be turning myself in to social services immediately?

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 08/07/2008 23:04

So, what do you suggest, Mag7? I'm not really sure what it is that you want to say.

Yes, the OP was wrong to slap her child. We should tell her that? Many have.

Now what? Your POV is clear. What isn't clear is any constructive help. That's the point of the OP's post.

Can you offer any help?

Desiderata · 08/07/2008 23:11

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Quattrocento · 08/07/2008 23:12

Roco, s'okay. Don't worry about it. I have smacked both my children. DD twice and DS once. I've sincerely regretted it and apologised to them for it. Sometimes things just get too much. I'm sorry for you

FWIW, I once snapped "You idiot boy" really loudly and nastily at DS for spilling something he'd been told to leave well alone three times. The shock horror and tears induced by snapping like that at him were far far worse.

There are many different ways in which we can damage our children. I know that no parent wants to damage their children in any way at all, but most of us do inadvertently.

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats."

Forgive yourself. They'll forgive you.

xx

Desiderata · 08/07/2008 23:13

Now that's a constructive post!

Well said, Quattro.

KerryMum · 08/07/2008 23:25

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colditz · 08/07/2008 23:31

Don't panic. Worse things happen at sea. Speak to people who were smacked a few times by a parent. most of them are of the opinion that they pushed mum too far that time.

Most say they never went quite that far again.

My mum slapped my face once. I had called her a very ugly word. I remember it clearly .... I remember the apology too. I remember the shame of calling my mother that name, and I never did it again.

Not condoning, but not condemning

IMHO don't talk to SS about this, they can be really quite over-reactionary.

WinkyWinkola · 08/07/2008 23:32

Oh.

Kerrymum, I'm amazed. "Boy oh boy do they deserve it"?

Deep breath.

I thought I'd read your posts on child abuse in the past?

I don't believe anyone deserves to be hit. Do you think you might lose control sometimes and lash out?

KerryMum · 08/07/2008 23:35

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navyeyelasH · 08/07/2008 23:57

I'm 25 and can rememeber 3 distinct times being hit. Most of the time it seemed to effect my folks more than it did me TBH! I love both my parents to bits and do not fault their parenting I am a very nice normal person.

I don't have children myself so can't really comment on what I have / would do. But certainly comparing the OP to some sort of child beater is outrageous. The poor woman is guilt ridden!

I wonder how her DS was after school?

itati · 09/07/2008 07:52

This is how I see it.

A mum momenterily lost control and feels dreadful about what she has done. She came on here for a bit of support that she wasn't evil or needing her children investigating, and a few posters jump in to make her feel worse. No one can make her feel more wretched than she already does. She knows she has done wrong and I very much doubt she will do it again. She doesn't need telling several times. She needs support for managing how she copes with disobedient behaviour, not grown women swearing at each other and making her feel like crap.

Mag& How did we manage without your words of wisdom before now?

WigWamBam · 09/07/2008 08:00

I was abused as a child. Serious abuse. Physical and mental abuse at the hands of my mother, abuse of a different kind at the hands of my grandfather. It was a sustained abuse which, while it may not have happened every day, was frequent enough for me to be terrified of my mother. There weren't many weeks went by without me being belted or beaten several times.

That kind of abuse is damaging, and very much made me the person that I am. Sustained and prolonged abuse does damage children, there is no doubt about that, and I am one hundred per cent with those posters who have said that it is not acceptable to treat a child that way.

My point was that this is not the thread for this kind of discussion. If those posters who were discussing hitting children in broad terms wanted a discussion, this was not the platform for it. That is a discussion which, although it has been had many times before on MN, is always going to lead to strong feelings by the anti-smackers, and those were not the kind of postings which were going to help Rococorita. By all means go ahead and have that discussion somewhere else, in broad terms which do not demonise one particular poster. But emotive, over-dramatic postings, accusations of child abuse, and suggestions that the OP needs anger management are not helpful in the context of the original post.

One smack does not damage a child in anywhere near the same way as the sustained, systemic abuse which some of the posters on this thread are talking about. It wasn't the right way to react, we all know that - but the point is that Rococorita knows that too; that is what she was concerned about.

TheMagnificent7 · 09/07/2008 10:22

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Quattrocento · 09/07/2008 11:07

M7, you're really not helping, you know. Telling someone who has smacked a child and feels horrible about it variously to go to social services (WHAT???) or spend her life on the NSPCC website? It's not helpful or supportive.

Most of us parents were smacked ourselves as children. That was the culture then. As adults I believe that most of us are trying hard not to smack our children. Trying to break a cycle like that is hard. The OP broke down under stress. She's not proud of it. She's apologised. It doesn't mean that her DS should be immediately taken into care.

If you want to have a spat, why not start a FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT thread?

bigpolarbear · 09/07/2008 11:13

TheMag7, +1.

ButterflyMcQueen · 09/07/2008 11:16

M7 you are terribly annoying you know.....

bergentulip · 09/07/2008 11:23

Just to counter the argument that being smacked in childhood always has a massive, lasting impact on your memory---

I was smacked, relatively regularly, never hard, but on the bum if misbehaving and being a little sh*t.
I know I was, I vaguely remember it, but cannot actually pinpoint one moment when it happened. I don't really remember it. I do however remember once running into bed one night as I heard either my mum or dad approaching up the stairs...... I knew they meant business.

I was smacked. I am not scarred. I do not do it to my children, but I do not see it as the most abusive thing in the world to do. Ok, was never hit in the face, that does seem to be the next step up, but I also think directing the OP to the NSPCC or anger management, or SS, is a little hysterical and over the top.

KerryMum · 09/07/2008 11:30

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HuwEdwards · 09/07/2008 11:36

Roco, hopefully you've moved on from this thread, but if you do happen to revisit, please ignore the frankly crazy and excessive rantings from The(SAINT)Magnificent7 and just read the common sense stuff from the likes of WWB.

Hope (and am sure)today is a better day for you and your DS.

ButterflyMcQueen · 09/07/2008 11:37

amen Huw

TheMagnificent7 · 09/07/2008 11:44

OK. Me and the NSPCC are going off in a huff. If anyone doesn't want an opinion on something then...erm...well...don't post it all over the internet.

Can't imagine i'll be on a FIGHTFIGHTFIGHT thread though. Peace and love man. Those of you that feel incapable of not smacking their children in frustration, I feel very sorry for your children. I hope your partners support the violence 100%, it's not the sort of thing you want a mixed message from. The NSPCC does have a confidential helpline for people like you.

Oh! Bums. Missed "Halo's In Your Attic". Must dash.

itati · 09/07/2008 12:16

Enough!

noddyholder · 09/07/2008 12:48

KM How can you see mag 7 as GOd if you use violence yourself when your kids deserve it?!?!weird

KerryMum · 09/07/2008 14:42

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kittywise · 09/07/2008 16:03

TM7, having read your posts it becomes clearer that you do have some issues that you need to address. perhaps you could investigate some form of counselling?

WinkyWinkola · 09/07/2008 16:27

KerryMum, I'd say 90% of the people on this thread are anti smackers.

Regularly hitting a child is abuse in my book.