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Original poster

DD's friend has been abusing another classmate, her mum wants DD to stay at her house.

99 replies

suchAdilemma · 17/06/2008 21:14

I don't know what to do. DD is friends with two girls (all of them are 5 or 6). DD told me the other day that she saw girl A put her hand into girl B's private parts when she went to the toilet. When DD asked girl A what she was doing, she said 'nothing' and left the toilet. Girl B started crying and told DD that this girl kept playing mummies and daddies and pushing her fingers in and hurting her. This happens every day at school. She also said that girl A had told her that if she told anyone that she would 'hurt her hard in her tummy'. When DD told me this I was obviously shocked - I rang girl B's mum and told her this. She has found out that this all started when her DD was 4, and has been happening whenever they play together. Girl B's mum has confronted girl A's mum, but doesn't think she has spoken to her daughter.
I asked DD if girl A has ever tried to do this with her, and she says no. However, DD doesn't like going over to her house to play, but will only say 'because she doesn't play nicely mummy'. Now I have had a phone call this evening from girl A's mum asking if DD can go over for tea this week. I have made an excuse, saying that the girls have fallen out, but I really don't know what I should do - should I confront her myself and let her know that I know? This seems completely abnormal behaviour from a 6 year old girl, and I am worried sick about it. I wonder if girl A's mum thinks it is just a harmless game they have been playing, and is in denial about this.

OP posts:
scatterbrain · 17/06/2008 21:15

Is that happening at school or at home ?

scatterbrain · 17/06/2008 21:16

Sorry you said School - in which case I thi nk you need to tell the teacher what your dd has told you and t]let them deal with it in school.

Original poster
suchAdilemma · 17/06/2008 21:16

both - in the toilets at school, and at home whenever they have been to each other's houses.

OP posts:
RosaLuxembunting · 17/06/2008 21:17

Did the incident your DD saw happen at school? Personally, if it did I would want to report it to the school's child protection officer. Would girl B's mum be agreeable to this?

scatterbrain · 17/06/2008 21:18

personally I would get the school to deal with the girl and her mum - it is a form of bullying after all and if it's happening in the school toilets they need to be made aware to get it stopped ! I would not want to speak to her mum about it myself

I wouldn't let my dd near hers though until claerly sorted !

LaDiDaDi · 17/06/2008 21:18

School need to know about this, there may be child protection concerns about this child.

QuintessentialShadows · 17/06/2008 21:18

Do you think girl A is re-enacting something that is happening to herself?

I think you must tell the school. Could be a child protection issue.

Hulababy · 17/06/2008 21:19

As you have spoken with girl B's mum and know the story and what has happened since - I would use this as my reason for now.

I'd say something along the lines of "DD is a bit upset at the moment as she has seen A making B upset. Maybe when everything is a bit more sorted she will feel happier about it and we can start play dates up again."

DisplacementActivity · 17/06/2008 21:19

Message withdrawn

notjustmom · 17/06/2008 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scuff · 17/06/2008 21:20

You have told Girl B's mother.
She now needs to deal with the issue with Girl A's mother.

I don't see where your dilemma comes from.

Your DD doesn't like going over to Girl A's house to play.

So don't send her.

It sounds like Girl A needs her mother to speak to her about playing appropriately.

What she has been doing to Girl B is clearly upsetting, and it needs to stop.

But your DD is not involved, so I think you need to keep out of it.

skeletonbones · 17/06/2008 21:20

Girl A's behavior could be a sign that she has been abused by someone, acting out what has happened to her especially the threatening girl B not to tell anyone or she will hurt her.. Please inform the school so this girl can get some help if needed.

SmugColditz · 17/06/2008 21:21

I would inform the school and tell them exactly what your daughter has told you, I'm not generally over reactive, but this whole thing sounds awful. I think this is a child protection issue - especially for the little girl doing the perpetrating.

Original poster
suchAdilemma · 17/06/2008 21:21

It happened at school Rosa, sorry if that was unclear. My first reaction was to tell the teacher, but girl B's mum wanted to confront girl A's mum first to give her a chance to deal with it. Girl B's mum said that girl A's mum didn't know how to handle it.

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 17/06/2008 21:21

Please don't stay out of this.

Yurtgirl · 17/06/2008 21:21

Assumning this has happened more than once which it obviously has

I would talk to child A's mother myself
I would also talk to class teacher

IME children dont just do this, or even think of such behaviour unless someone has done it to them first.

I suspect girl A is being abused herself presumably her mother doesnt know, or maybe she does or rarely her mother is responsible

for girl A

QuintessentialShadows · 17/06/2008 21:22

I would not tell the mum of girl a. We dont know who is abusing the daughter.

We dont know what reprecussions telling the girls mum will have on teh child. Will the child get punished? I think professionals should get involved before the parents get a chance to concoct something...

wannaBe · 17/06/2008 21:22

this is not normal. especially the bit about hurting her hard in her tummy would ring serious alarm bells for me that this particular child is being seriously sexually abused by someone and is acting it out with this friend.

I would speak to the school, or nspcc or ss (and I don't suggest the latter lightly).

LittleMissNorty · 17/06/2008 21:22

This turns my stomach

Although not directly involved, I don't think you can ignore it....its totally abnormal behaviour...you need to speak to the school

avenanap · 17/06/2008 21:24

This needs reporting to the school as it is a child protection issue. It is not a harmless game, there is a possibility that this child has learned this behaviour from another person so this really does need reporting. The child who is doing this may be suffering serious harm. You know that this behaviour is not normal. You should have a talk to the head/class teacher. I do strongly recommend that you do this. Don't confront the child or her mother. It needs investigating. I'm not saying this as a mother, I'm saying this as someone who has had child protection training.

Yurtgirl · 17/06/2008 21:25

Ah yes having thought, dont talk to girl A mother as this could cause greater problems for little girl and yourself

I would talk confidentially to school but I would never ever do nothing
This girl needs your help

SmugColditz · 17/06/2008 21:25

Ditto avenanap.

Talk to school. Don't raise issue with mother. Ring school at first opportunity and demand an audience.

wannaBe · 17/06/2008 21:26

agree with qs don't talk to the child's mother.

RusselBrussel · 17/06/2008 21:26

This is awful, please please tell the school.
Girl A clearly needs help, and girl B needs to be protected from further 'attacks' by girl A.

As for your dd, don't send her to girl A's house if she does not want to go. And now, knowing what you know about girl A, I would not want to send my dd either.

RosaLuxembunting · 17/06/2008 21:26

Don't talk to Girl A's mother again. Go straight to the school's designated child protection officer, all schools have to have one, and tell them. The school really needs to know, and there is no real point telling the class teacher, the CPO will be far more clued up in how to deal with it.