Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DD's friend has been abusing another classmate, her mum wants DD to stay at her house.

99 replies

suchAdilemma · 17/06/2008 21:14

I don't know what to do. DD is friends with two girls (all of them are 5 or 6). DD told me the other day that she saw girl A put her hand into girl B's private parts when she went to the toilet. When DD asked girl A what she was doing, she said 'nothing' and left the toilet. Girl B started crying and told DD that this girl kept playing mummies and daddies and pushing her fingers in and hurting her. This happens every day at school. She also said that girl A had told her that if she told anyone that she would 'hurt her hard in her tummy'. When DD told me this I was obviously shocked - I rang girl B's mum and told her this. She has found out that this all started when her DD was 4, and has been happening whenever they play together. Girl B's mum has confronted girl A's mum, but doesn't think she has spoken to her daughter.
I asked DD if girl A has ever tried to do this with her, and she says no. However, DD doesn't like going over to her house to play, but will only say 'because she doesn't play nicely mummy'. Now I have had a phone call this evening from girl A's mum asking if DD can go over for tea this week. I have made an excuse, saying that the girls have fallen out, but I really don't know what I should do - should I confront her myself and let her know that I know? This seems completely abnormal behaviour from a 6 year old girl, and I am worried sick about it. I wonder if girl A's mum thinks it is just a harmless game they have been playing, and is in denial about this.

OP posts:

youngbutnotdumb · 20/06/2008 11:10

As so many people have already said U must get involved report it to a teacher or to be honest I think I'd go to SS because both childrn need help before it gets any worse! I think that child A may be being abused herself as she obviously wouldn't just do that without knowing.

batters · 20/06/2008 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fizzbuzz · 20/06/2008 11:18

Speak to the teacher if it makes it easier. We are obliged by law to act on any CPO issues. Even a whisper of them

It could make it easier all round if it comes from the teacher.

wannaBe · 20/06/2008 11:19

by not reporting this you are essentially an accessory.

I imagine this poor child has been threatened into not saying anything by now.

mummyhill · 20/06/2008 11:19

This is a terrible situation to be in but Social Services need to be told. The main problem here is that girl A's mum now has time to cover tracks/manipulate her daughter. She should of been kept out of the loop.

Rule one if you suspect abuse do not ask leading questions and do not approach the childs family. Approaching the family is the job of a qualified social worker as they will be able to step in and protect the child. Most children who are abused are abused by a family member or family friend.

This really needs reporting.

mummyhill · 20/06/2008 11:22

Sorry if this is unpopular comment but you should of approached the CPO at the school straight away, and then let them or social services talk to child A and child B along with their parents.

MarmadukeScarlet · 20/06/2008 11:31

This is awful for all children and adults concerned.

What I am struggling to comprehend is girl B's mother, who despite already speaking to gilr A's mother thinks that talking to her again will make a difference?

There is no way on this earth I would be allowing my DD to be hurt like this daily at school, especially if girl b knows her mother is aware of it and has not stopped it - giving the message that Mummy will not/cannot protect me. I'd be keeping my DD at home until this was sorted out.

Agree with all that child A is in need of some help herself.

mrshedge · 20/06/2008 12:42

This is clearly a very difficult situation to be in but you have to put the children's welfare above the other mothers' preferences here. You might not make yourself popular but you will be doing the right thing.

Report the facts and the facts alone (obv these are based on what your dd said) to the school and then step out of the way as much as you can.

This is a job for the professionals not something a group of mums should be trying to sort out themselves.

If you are indeed at the school this am I hope things are beginning to get sorted out.

TheSmallClanger · 20/06/2008 12:46

What a horrendous story. It needs reporting to CP now. I hope the OP is doing that.

This sort of nastiness thrives on people turning their backs, "keeping their noses out" and being afraid.

onthemove · 20/06/2008 15:50

Suchadilemma, please come back on and tell us that this has now been correctly reported.

No need to give any further details, just put all our minds at rest that this is now being professionally looked into.

wannaBe · 20/06/2008 20:19

I presume there is no update?

Wonder if this is even real?

VaginaShmergina · 20/06/2008 20:25

Absolutley horrified this is going on, how awful.

Do not let your DD go and play, make up whatever excuse you have to. Tell the school without a doubt.

Not normal behaviour at all especially linked with the threat of hurt if she were to tell.

This child needs saving if there is abuse going on to her or maybe she has witnessed something at home to Mummy ?

Original poster

suchAdilemma · 20/06/2008 21:02

Girl B's mother and I went to see the school today. It has been reported and is being taken further.

I am saying no more on this matter. It is in the hands of social services.

Walk a mile in the shoes of the poor mother who is being accused - all those of you who asked why I was dragging my heels.

OP posts:

VaginaShmergina · 20/06/2008 21:19

FWIW you have done the right thing. I hope that it is dealt with correctly and that all parties are protected.

It is not a position I would want to be in and dont envy you at all but you have the childs interests at heart as will the school and SS.

Pour yourself a large glass of something now and thank you for coming back.

Soapbox · 20/06/2008 21:28

I think you have done the right thing, but I can understand totally how distressing it is to think of the child and her parents and how all of this will impact upon them.

It is out of your hands now so let's hope that SS do the right thing for all the children involved.

chunkypudding · 20/06/2008 22:00

suchadilemma, I am shocked at the aggression you have experienced from some posters on here.

i would like to offer you my support as i can see that you are and have been trying to do the right thing in an emotional and complex situation. and you HAVE done the right thing.

as someone who has actually experienced sexual abuse as a child i would like to say wholeheartedly that someone caring to the extent of the op and trying to approach the situation in the 'right' and most sensitive way does NOT deserve a barrage of abuse from those who felt they had that right.

those of who who attacked the op should apologise for being utterly insensitive.

MarmadukeScarlet · 20/06/2008 23:27

Dilemma, oh well done. It must have been really stressful and difficult.

wannaBe · 20/06/2008 23:27

I don't think anyone has attacked the op. People have merely been shocked at the fact the op had not reported the situation when asked not to by another child's parent.

This is horrible for the children concerned, and if the mother of child A is innocent she will hopefully take the right steps to ensure the safety of her children. We don't know who might possibly be abusing this child. We can only hope that it is not someone in the house, so that a family does not have to be destroyed.

want2bayummymummy · 20/06/2008 23:32

the girl maybe getting abused herself get in touch with the protection officer as this is serious , girl b ma be scarred from this. she may have seen this at home it maybe hapeening to her and she s doing it back as she wants love and friendship, and it may happen to your daughter.the child should not know these thing at 6 years old please get hekp

want2bayummymummy · 20/06/2008 23:36

noone is blaming you just shocked as is an awful story and were all mothers so we llall react. but it is strange behaviour of a 6 year old. thank goodness you dd was brave enough and clever enough to tell you. you v obviously a good mum. its out of your hands now, hope everything goes well

vixma · 20/06/2008 23:47

You need to let the teacher or head teacher know asap because this is concerning behaviour for a child for this age! You could be helping this child and your child and others should not be in this situation with this child. Their could be behavioural problems, however more seriously sexual abuse. Good luck as this is a really unpleasant situation you are dealing with. However be careful with what you say to other parents at the school because if this child is being abused this is not her fault. Do not allow your child to stay around the house.... good luck and my heart goes out to you and your child and you must report this and stay in touch with teacher.

mrshedge · 21/06/2008 13:42

The last few posters - maybe you hadn't refreshed your screen but the OP says a few posts down that she has just reported it to the school - i.e. on Fri am.

stealthsquiggle · 23/06/2008 10:01

Well done to the OP. It is a horrible, stressful situation to be put in and you have done the right thing.

Very very well done to your DD (and great that she felt able to) for telling you in the first place - she is clearly a credit to you.

Miggsie · 23/06/2008 10:13

You did the right thing.

My SIL was abused for YEARS by her older brother, her mother knew and did NOTHING, in fact she helped the brother by covering it up so dad would never find out as the mother liked the boy best and knew the dad would belt the boy and did not want her son harmed.
How did we find this out? When SIL punched her mother's lights out 40 years later in a state of severe depression. Then it all came out.
I and DH have refused to even be in the same county as that vile woman ever since.

I also know someone who was abused by her brother and again the mother did nothing as it was too "shaming" for the family.

Soemtimes mothers do not do the best for their children, if only someone had looked out for my SIL when she had been small she might not be in the terrible mental state she is now.

Flip

1 2 3 4