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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Tell me I'm right....I know I am but Im feeling weak

46 replies

KatyMac · 30/05/2008 13:11

DD (10) lied

About something it was easy to prove she lied about

About something pathetic that she wasn't going to get into trouble for

but she lied

She does this a lot

DH said 'Are you lying? tell me because if I find out you are lying we won't go to the cinema@

She still lied

So we are not going to see Indiana Jones & we are not going out for a meal afterwards

So there goes he holiday treat (& mine)

& I wanted to see Indiana Jones & have a meal

It is my only day off - my first since Christmas and my last until August

I AM SO PISSED OFF

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Buda · 30/05/2008 13:13

Hard one. DH made the threat so you have to stick to it.

Can you go and do something nice for you though?

MsDemeanor · 30/05/2008 13:15

Your dh should not, in my opinion, have decided on a punishment that would have an impact on you all without consulting you. It's not at all fair. What was the lie about? It really doesn't sound that serious. Don't we all lie about minor things all the time? I tell the kids the satnav is in the boot or at home if I know where I'm going and they just want to watch it and listen to it for fun, for example. And my new dress was not really that new. And the cheque's in the post.

MsDemeanor · 30/05/2008 13:17

And if he didn't mention the meal, for heavens sake go. And when your dd is in bed, I'd have a talk with your dh about making impulsive threats.

Original poster

KatyMac · 30/05/2008 13:18

I am cross with him
I am cross with her

the lying is a long standing issue & gets bloody frustrating

we can't believe a thing she says

& I still don't get to see Harrison Ford

OP posts:

GrimmaTheNome · 30/05/2008 13:18

Yup. You've got to stick by it I'm afraid. (DH probably needs a small lecture on agreeing on sanctions if they are going to affect everyone, though of course its sometimes hard in the heat of the moment).

I was tempted to say, get a babysitter and go yourselves but then she'd just feel martyred. Hopefully having mucked things up not just for herself but you too will really make the message sink in... if it does, and helps nip this habit, its worth it in the long run.

But I'm not suprised you're pissed off.

TheProvincialLady · 30/05/2008 13:19

Can you get a babysitter for the evening?

I can see why you are annoyed with both of them. Have you any idea why she is lying so much?

EffiePerine · 30/05/2008 13:20

doesn't help this time, but a good tip I heard (from a teacher) was to make sure punishments inconvenience them and not you.

Could you get a babysitter for the evening or would it be too expensive?

MsDemeanor · 30/05/2008 13:20

I can see it is an issue that you have been dealing with for a long time, and that you are frustrated, but I don't really see the point of saying 'if you are lying then we'll do X to you' if you already KNOW she is not telling the truth over a trivial and harmless matter. I'd probably be more inclined to say 'Well we both know that's not true' and get on with having a nice day.

Original poster

KatyMac · 30/05/2008 13:29

I have sat down & had a chat

I pointed out everytime she lied she was saying 'DD is cleverer than Katymac, & Katymac will never find out the truth' & that I always found out the truth

She agreed I always found out

But we are no closer to know why she lied

OP posts:

tortoiseSHELL · 30/05/2008 13:31

You do have to stick to it unfortunately, but it is a lesson in not making threats that you don't want to carry out! (I know it was your dh not you!). Maybe you could have a list of 'ok sanctions'.

MsDemeanor · 30/05/2008 13:32

What was the lie about? From what I remember of being 10, I doubt think she was thinking in those terms about your relative intelligences, to be honest. Did she not just want to make her life slightly easier for a moment, or got a bit panicky? Is that possible?

EffiePerine · 30/05/2008 13:32

a list sounds a good plan

maybe even discussed with your DD? Or would that be too lentilly?

next time get her to write a 500 word essay on 'why I lied to my mother AGAIN'

yorkshirepudding · 30/05/2008 13:33

Message withdrawn

Original poster

KatyMac · 30/05/2008 13:33

Can I make a 10yo write 500 words....maybe 250 words?

Hmm is that evil?

OP posts:

Original poster

KatyMac · 30/05/2008 13:34

Yrkshire Pudding I think I might

OP posts:

EffiePerine · 30/05/2008 13:34

evil punishment = good, surely?

think of it as improving her writing skills

Anna8888 · 30/05/2008 13:35

Without having any idea about the content of the lie, it is hard to make a judgement.

However, I would reinstate the outing immediately with no explanation. Cancelling the outing was absolutely not an appropriate way of dealing with the lying and will have no positive outcome on your DD's behaviour.

Next time she lies, you need to be prepared to deal with it in an appropriate way.

I wouldn't make such a big deal about it - I'd laugh at her and point out how silly she is being, personally, in a gentle way.

yorkshirepudding · 30/05/2008 13:37

Message withdrawn

Original poster

KatyMac · 30/05/2008 13:38

"Did you use your DS this morning?" - with the intent to ask - please could you unplug the charge next time & put it away

See how daft it is?

How did we know she did - well she got a date stamp for today Stupid child

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 30/05/2008 13:40

Why didn't you ask the right question (the one you really wanted an answer to) in the first place?

Your DD is not lying - she doesn't understand what you are getting at and is frightened.

Mij · 30/05/2008 13:41

I'm liking yorkshirepudding's suggestion.

Not surprised you're pissed off, I sympathise.

I used to lie as a reflex. No idea why, although with hindsight I was a perfectionist and hated to be seen in the wrong in any way at all. So I used to tell all sorts of silly little lies to appear beyond reproach. The only difference was that my parents rarely found out, except about the occasional whopper that just couldn't be hidden (they were always going to find out I'd been bunking extra German lessons eventually - third parties always screw up the big lies for you!)

So perhaps its a self-image thing? Does she see herself (rightly or not) as either the one who has to be perfect/responsible/whatever, or conversely who always gets the blame so tries to shift even the littlest things away from her?

MsDemeanor · 30/05/2008 13:44

I am absolutely amazed that this was considered serious enough to ruin everyone's day. really I agree with Anna that this is a massive overreaction. I wouldn't call it a lie. It sounds to me as if she was panicking because she thought something bad had happened, perhaps that it was broken.
You didn't need to ask that question - just say, "I see you have left in plugged in to charge. Could you put it away next time?'
(though I actually wouldn't because I wouldn't notice or care, being a total domestic slut/scatterbrain)

MsDemeanor · 30/05/2008 13:46

I think in this case you accidentally set her up to lie to you. If my boss (in the days when I had one, suddenly said, 'Did you send that document to X in Y format?' I'd have a frisson of panic that I'd done the wrong thing. I think that's normal. (or maybe it's just my paranoia)

hanaflower · 30/05/2008 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anna8888 · 30/05/2008 13:47

Yes.

You are asking your daughter a question that is incomplete ie has a subtext. You are expecting to second guess the subtext, which is very destabilising (especially for a child). She guessed wrong (that she was going to be told off for using her DS). And now she is punished because you didn't phrase your question completely? Come on.

You need to think harder about how you talk to your child.

Sorry to be so frank

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