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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Tell me I'm right....I know I am but Im feeling weak

46 replies

KatyMac · 30/05/2008 13:11

DD (10) lied

About something it was easy to prove she lied about

About something pathetic that she wasn't going to get into trouble for

but she lied

She does this a lot

DH said 'Are you lying? tell me because if I find out you are lying we won't go to the cinema@

She still lied

So we are not going to see Indiana Jones & we are not going out for a meal afterwards

So there goes he holiday treat (& mine)

& I wanted to see Indiana Jones & have a meal

It is my only day off - my first since Christmas and my last until August

I AM SO PISSED OFF

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Anna8888 · 30/05/2008 13:48

expecting her

Anna8888 · 30/05/2008 13:49

MsDemeanour and I have exactly the same analysis of what is going on...

Mij · 30/05/2008 13:52

katymac, is it because she does it so often that you and your DH feel it's a big thing? That individual example does feel very little but I can see that if you feel it's part of a trend that you might worry.

I can't help feeling Anna has a point though - I know that mum used to (still does actually - still drives me nuts) bring things up obliquely. Not the same thing, but eg 'the forecast said it would rain' rather than 'I think you should take a coat'. The former would lead me into a snappy, rude response as a kid, the latter might annoy me but at least we could disagree with just that one thing and not get embroiled in a larger arguement about a whole load of other things including how she never said things directly!

Sorry, bit rambly but there might be something in the observation that the semantics panicked her into lying - maybe that's the case the other times she tells silly little lies?

Maybe she's just very sensitive to criticism?

Anna8888 · 30/05/2008 13:57

I expect it's going on a lot because KatyMac and her husband are in the habit of not communicating clearly, and there is a lot of second guessing of subtexts.

If this sort of huge punishment is meted out for such a tiny misdemeanour, perhaps your daughter is very frightened of her parents and lies in order to try to avoid such huge upsets....

yorkshirepudding · 30/05/2008 14:00

Message withdrawn

TheProvincialLady · 30/05/2008 14:01

I do agree with Anna and MsDemeanour. You asked a very loaded question and your DD was trying to work out what answer would be the 'right' one. If you had said "I see you have used your DS, could you make sure next time you unplug everything and put it away afterwards...or I will have to restrict your use of it as you are potentially ruining it/making the house untidy' then it would have avoided the lie and the punishment would fit the crime. What has happened here must seem a bit random to your DD.

MsDemeanor · 30/05/2008 14:10

If one of my kids said 'no' to the initial question 'Did you use it this morning' I'd say, 'Yes, you did, I only want you to put away the charger, you daft bint', and get on with the day.
I probably would simply assume they'd forgotten.

Gipfeli · 30/05/2008 14:12

This is probably not relevant but it reminded me of something from my childhood.

As a child (maybe the same age as your dd, I don't remember exactly), Mum asked me if I had eaten one of the oranges from the fruitbowl. I said no, when I had in fact had one. I remember being concerned that I was going to be in trouble for having taken one.

Mum knew that I was lying (I think the orange peel was in the bin and no-one else was in the house, something obvious like that). She shouted at me lots for lying, hit me very hard (the only time) and sent me to bed early every night for a week.

It turned out that she would not having minded about me eating the orange. She was concerned that they may have been going off and had wanted to check I was ok. But I didn't know that at the time and thought I was going to get in trouble. In fact it was the lying that got me into trouble.

I don't remember that I lied lots previous to this incident, I don't remember what else was going on so can't tell if Mum was just having a bad day, or if I'd been being a general PITA. I don't think I lied after that though

I also don't eat oranges anymore, despite quite liking the taste of them. Something that has only just occurred to me.

Acinonyx · 30/05/2008 14:13

Agree with Anna and MsD - sounds a bit oppressive.

Acinonyx · 30/05/2008 14:16

Yes Gipfeli - I can well remember the dread of wondering which would be the best way through - to lie but risk being caught out - or tell the truth and risk punishment for some as yet uknown misdemeanor.

MsDemeanor · 30/05/2008 14:17

I think in general asking questions you already know the answer to is completely pointless and always sounds as if you are trying to catch someone out. I wonder if this has been the cause of some of her other lies - without the context it's really hard to say. I know you didn't mean to scare her, but in her shoes I would immediately worry that I'd inadvertently done something really bad and might give a panicky answer to limit the damage to me!
eg in my boss example from earlier, if my boss came over to my desk and said, 'did you send the document to X in format Y' And I knew I had, I'd immediately worry that maybe I sent it to the wrong person or in the wrong format, so I might lie and say, 'Can I just go and check. Is there a problem?' And if he said 'No, that's fine', I'd say, 'Oh, yes I remember now, that's exactly what I did' - so two lies!

MsDemeanor · 30/05/2008 14:20

Personally I'm a bit flummoxed by why people get so agitated about minor fibs. I bet YOU all fib! 'I love your hair' (thinks: god what a disaster!) "This new? no, had it ages' (thinks: yes, my credit card is still screaming in shock) "I'll just go and check my emails" (I'll waste a couple of hours on Mumsnet)

Mij · 30/05/2008 14:22

Have we frightened katymac off..?

MsDemeanor · 30/05/2008 14:23

Hopefully they are all on their way to the cinema!

yorkshirepudding · 30/05/2008 14:46

Message withdrawn

Original poster

KatyMac · 30/05/2008 16:08

I set her 250 words on why do I lie to my parents

Then I went shopping

Now I'm back & we are going to see Harrison Ford

It is a perpetual problem - the lying - it is starting to really get us down

DD has now admitted she does it to make life easier & that it rarely does - so we are getting somewhere

But it is the 4th or 5th lie of the morning (including bath, teeth cleaned, medicine,whether she had read a library book)

I know it's all trivial - but it actually matters to me that she tells me the truth
well at least 85% of the time I do not want to know if my bum does look big

OP posts:

EffiePerine · 30/05/2008 16:17

Hooray for Harrison Ford

NotABanana · 30/05/2008 16:25

You go alone.

NotABanana · 30/05/2008 16:28

Ignore my pointless post.

Must learn to read all the thread before answering.

MsDemeanor · 30/05/2008 17:42

Glad you are going out! Enjoy the movie.
Do you think there is anything at all in what I was saying about maybe phrasing things differently or is that irrelevant? Eg, not asking questions you know the answer to or just fewer questions - so instead of 'have you had a bath' saying 'You need to have a bath today. Please go upstairs and run it' or 'Please brush your teeth now' so she gets fewer opportunties to tell fibs which may almost be just a habit now. Just an idea.

Original poster

KatyMac · 30/05/2008 21:29

You could be right...except the bath conversation went something like

"nice bath darling"
"Lovely thanks mummy"

then I went upstairs & the bath was dry........

OP posts:

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