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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Am I being cruel regarding ds naps??

28 replies

Meandmyjoe · 07/04/2008 19:14

DS is 8 months old and until the last week has NEVER napped in his cot. He has always resisted naps and I have spent the last 8 months trying to get him to nap by rocking him with the extractor fan while he arches his back and cries til he goes to sleep.

Strange as he settles relatively easy at night and sleeps for around 11 hours with no wakings.

I have tried shortening the lenght of time he is awake for and putting him down for a nap earlier incase he was over tired. Made no difference.

However, last week I decided that ds is just too big (23lbs 6oz) to be rocking him to sleep whilst he writhes about and tries to get free. My back was killing me as he is very demanding and requires a lot of carrying around anyway. I put him in his cot in his room and decided to leave him to cry for a bit. I fully intended to go rescue him if he cried for more than 5 minutes. He didn't. Within 5 mins he was asleep and napped better than ever. Also no I have the time without him napping in my arms to do something useful! I have continued to put him in his cot for naps (unless going out in the car).

However, he still cries when I first put him down. I thought he would have hopefully learned not to cry. I feel awful leaving him, even though it's only for around 5 mins. He has never been left to cry before and I worry I maybe damaging him! Am I being cruel or am I totally overreacting?! The problem is, if I stay in the room to reassure him, it seems to frustrate him even more and he cries for longer as he can see me yet I'm not picking him up.

Do you think he will learn to settle himself without crying or am I screwing him up??

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tinpot · 07/04/2008 19:20

I think you are not being cruel at all. 5 minutes seems like a long time when a baby is crying but it's not really.

Just make sure he has lots of cuddles when he's awake and he'll be fine. Let's face it you couldn't go on carrying / rocking for much longer if your back is getting sore could you?

I let both mine settle themselves and I'm sure that after a while longer your ds will go down and not cry at all.

I'm sure you're not damaging him (mine don't show any obvious signs of damage!).

Original poster

Meandmyjoe · 07/04/2008 19:23

Thank you, what a relief! I just feel awful when I take him in his room in the day as he nuzzles in to me and clings on to my shoulder like he knows that I'm going to leave him

I really hate having to do it to him but without it I will be rocking him til he's 3!! He cries regardless of me rocking him but at least he knows that I've not abandoned him. I'm sure you are right though and he will eventually learn. I just hate him crying alone!

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gegs73 · 07/04/2008 19:24

I think it sounds good and to my mind 5 minutes is not a long time if he is tired and would sleep if you stood rocking him for maybe longer than that? DS2 self settles himself, grumbles for 5 mins of so then sleeps. He is over 25lbs at 10 months so there is no way my back would take it .

The only other suggestion if you are not happy with leaving him to self settle is to rock him in his pushchair?

elfsmummy · 07/04/2008 19:25

My DD was the same. She's 2 next weekend. She has periods of time where she needs to have a little cry before she goes off and periods where she just keeps quiet. Phases seem to last a few weeks, then nothing changes but she's goes down without a peep again.

No idea what triggers the change but we've just learnt that sometimes she just needs a bit of a moan.

She hasn't cried at all at bedtimes for about the last 6 months.

Original poster

Meandmyjoe · 07/04/2008 19:29

Oh that's OK then. Just hope he learns. I sometimes wonder if he just needs to cry when going to sleep as he sometimes does in the car! Maybe he is just telling us that he doesn't feel right and doesn't know how to shut down without crying in the day.

It seems like a lot longer than 5 minutes to me when he's crying! I purposefully look at the digital clock exactly when I put him in his cot and time how long it takes. It's always around 5 mins but it feels like an hour!

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cyanarasamba · 07/04/2008 19:29

My DS (14 months) often cries for a few minutes before he drops off for his nap. In fact he starts when I carry him in to his room and close the curtains.

I tell myself he is in a good routine so knows what is happening (we go up straight after his lunch and a nappy change), and I think he's just crying because he is tired.

If he hasn't settled after a few minutes and the crying is getting worse rather than better I go in and give him another cuddle - but this is very rare.

So no, you're definitely not damaging him!

morningpaper · 07/04/2008 19:30

If you feel awful leaving him, then why leave him? You can always sit by him while he cries, and then you won't need to feel awful because he knows you are there.

Twiglett · 07/04/2008 19:32

I think you've finally realised that you 'cuddling' him to sleep pisses him orf

you are right to leave him alone, and cruel to bug him

let him go to sleep on his own, let him whimper and wail his way into it .. at this age crying is not always a sign of distress it is a form of communication .. he's communicating 'bloody hell I'm tired, gawd I'm so tired, I feel completely tired out .. yawn .. wail .. snore'

Original poster

Meandmyjoe · 07/04/2008 19:37

Twiglett you are right, I know I piss him off royally when I cuddle him to sleep! Honestly sometimes he tries so hard to get away but I always assume he just doesn't like to sleep in the day so is resisting that, rather than me (although I know otherwise really!)!

Morningpaper, i have tried to stay in the room whilst he cries but I really do infuriate him even more as he just keeps looking at me, then crying, looking at me, trying to sit up. Pull himself up on his cot, then cries some more. He ends up crying so much harder and for longer with me there as it annoys him that he can see me but can't get to me if that makes sense.

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Twiglett · 07/04/2008 19:39

DS could not STAND me being in his room when he went to sleep .. I used to plonk him and run away, shutting his door behind me

Thefearlessfreak · 07/04/2008 19:42

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Original poster

Meandmyjoe · 07/04/2008 19:46

Sounds just like my ds. I have tried laying down with him on a bed but he gets pissed off and cries. I have tried rocking him but again he cries. The main thing is that he only likes to be cuddled when I stand up and show him stuff anyway, he's a very squirmy baby so me holding him and expecting him to go to sleep without resisting is not working! I always give him huge cuddles whilst standing near his cot before I put him down and then lots of cuddles and a story when he wakes up. I will persevere and hope that he learns to go to sleep without the fuss. Thanks x

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FourPlusOne · 07/04/2008 19:47

Mt DD is like this. Has a good napping routine (had learnt my lesson from not getting DS into one!) and is always happy to go for her naps. When she was about your DSs age she did have a little cry when she was going off to sleep, but would only be for a few mins. As she got older the crying was for less time, and didn't happen every time. She is 19 months now and still has the same pattern, though more often than not just goes down happily with eyes shut straight away.

I came to realise that it wasn't an unhappy cry, just more of a whingeing noise. Occasionally she will cry properly (it sounds different) and I just take that as a sign that she really doesn't want to sleep, or that something else is wrong.

She would hate it if I stayed in the room. If I linger too long it can upset her!

Original poster

Meandmyjoe · 07/04/2008 19:51

Yes ds is the same. It's all still new to him aswell. He has to get used to it I suppose. I think he mainly cries due to being tired which he does however I try nd get him to sleep in the day. If it went on for more than 5-10 mins I would take that as a sign of either not needing to sleep or just needing something else. Glad it's not just my ds that hates it if I linger! He even hates it if I linger at night. If I go and shut the door, he goes to sleep fine. If I stay, just for a minute as I would love to be there whilst he goes to sleep, he cries!

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Twiglett · 08/04/2008 09:26

please know that to babies of this age the crying is communication .. if you run to comfort him every time he whimpers you'll end up stopping him trying to communicate ... and you won't learn to decipher 'waa I'm tired', from 'waa I'm hungry' or 'waa I fancy a mummy cuddle'

also you'll be removing his opportunity to learn to comfort himself

you're doing the right thing .. follow your instincts

your next child might let you cuddle to sleep if you're really keen on it (although you won't want to .. you'll want to dump and run )

Hillbilly · 08/04/2008 09:35

You are not being cruel at all.

My ds always has a little cry naps and then settles himself quite happily.

Original poster

Meandmyjoe · 08/04/2008 10:46

Wow, what a relief. Thank you so much for all the responses. not one negative one which has reassured me that I am doing the right thing. I suppose I just feel guillty incse he has got separation anxiety and I'm scaring him by leaving him. I suppose if he was that distressed he's cry for longer though so I'm sure he'll be fine. Thnks for replying everyone!

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chrissnow · 08/04/2008 11:08

As I've always seen it crying is the only way they can communicate. dd1 was exactly like your ds. I think she was probably saying "ooh i'm tired, but there's so much playing to do...sleep?..play?..sleep?.. play..? zzzzzzzzz"
dd2 on the other hand . . . screams if I leave her, screams if I cuddle her, screams for a bear - give her a bear..throws bear. screams for milk..give her milk..throws milk..etc etc. I think she just winds herself up into a strop tbh!!
I think like us they all have their little bedtime routines. I rub my feet together for about 5 minutes before I fall asleep (drives dh mad - but Its such a habit I don't realise I'm doing it. And if I'm overtired it's like being in bed with the running man!!)

MrsMattie · 08/04/2008 11:10

Some babies sort of 'need' a little cry before they can get off to sleep. It's as if they need to expel ever last drop of that cranky, over tired energy before they can settle. Five minutes is nothing. Don't worry about it!

missymum · 08/04/2008 20:03

meanmyjoe, ihave been following your posts and threads with interest and loads of sympathy as your ds reminds me so much of how my dd used to be, god she was horrendous! however, now 2.3 and TOTALLY different! extremely spirited and willful but in a fabulous way... your nightmare REALLY WILL end.. anyway on to naps,.. again my dd was exactly the same, even down to the 30min thing, but as she got older she did start to nap for longer.. you are DEFINATELY not damaging him , just allowing him to learn to settle himself, a skill he needs to develop.. just think about how much love and security you have given him, how could he be anything other than a secure child later?

Shoegazer · 08/04/2008 21:28

You are not doing anything cruel. Reading your post was like reading something I could have written about my DD when she was the same age and even now. When she was 8 months old I thought I was totally cruel to leave her to cry, it absolutely broke my heart, but she didn't want to be held to sleep either and we were all unhappy. I truly believed I would be damaging her in some permanent and terrible way.

Now that she is nearly 2 I know that she always cries herself to sleep but not in a horrible way, over time I have learnt that her "leave me alone I'm going to sleep" cry is slightly different (hers is abit echoey). Now she talks too, she will even be sitting falling asleep but when I ask her if she needs to go to bed she will say no. She also usually only sleeps for 30-45 minutes, if she naps at all.

BigBadMouse · 08/04/2008 21:53

I completely agree that you are doing the right thing, it is what I had to do with both my DDs. 5 minutes is nothing for crying as everyone else has said. I'm suprised noone has said you are wrong though, usually there a few people on here opposed to leaving them to cry but for 5 mins I think it's absolutely fine.

IMO it teaches him to settle himself, gives him some much-needed rest (if he didn't need it he wouldn't fall asleep after 5 mins) and gives you a break.

I would defintely say continue as you are, if for any reason you have to change the routine (I had to let my DD nap on the sofa for a while when her sister was ill) then make sure you go back to the cot naps ASAP. I think they work best, you know where they are and that they are safe and the reassurance of the same nap location seems to settle them more.

btw a good nap routine seemed to help us a lot with controlling the number of tantrums during the 'tantrum years'

Starbear · 08/04/2008 22:13

Twigletts right. He's tired and needs a nap and needs his bed to move about. 5mins is okay. My DS did the same. He's now three, tells me he needs a nap. But he doesn't nap any more. I miss the naps in the afternoon he rarely naps now so I don't get that lovely moment of doing a few chores then a nice cup of tea and a biscuit just before waking him up at 3pm One hour of bliss. Now sadly gone.

Original poster

Meandmyjoe · 09/04/2008 09:50

Oh missymum, your post made me cry (in a good way!) thank you for saying such lovely things. i hope you are right and that I will be where you are in 2 years time! Ds is so amazing and I completely adore him but my God he is bloody cranky, just to prove me wrong he is sat at the side of me laughing at the light fitting and clapping his hands

I just hate to think that I could somehow be making him even more miserable by leaving him to cry! I guess there is no other alternative and at least this way i get an hour's arm free time a day! Thanks all.

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SmugColditz · 09/04/2008 09:58

Ds1 would have screamed his head off for hours if I tried to cuddle him to sleep at this age, or if I had sat in the room. I have to leave, everything about his voice would be be shouting "get out and leave me alone for five minutes!"

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