Stroppy, demanding three yr old - is it a stage? Fine for others, not for me!

[cookiemonstress]

Just wondering if anyone has any tips for dealing with stroppy 3 year olds.. DD1 is just 3. Always been feisty and hit terrible twos somewhere around 13 months. There are various potty training and sleep challenges, at nursery and with grandparents she is co-operative and engaging and a delight to be around by all accounts but she is the opposite with me . When I am off with her she is super-demanding, irritable and whiny and I have just started to see signs of deliberate naughtiness as opposed to 'impulsive' responses.. in general really hard work. It ends up in a spiral of me loosing the plot with her and shouting then feeling guilty (and then feeling more guilty again when back at work). She is generally fearless in all respects. The naughty step doesn't seem to work, she doesn't have any strong attachment to toys etc that can be 'confiscated', any consequence I give in response to her behaviour is met with a teenage response of 'don't care' mixed with a bit of 'bring it on' style attitude. My only 'disciplinary' option appears to be to put her in her room. Is this just a stage/development thing does anyone know?? I work 4 days a week but I do my best to give her 1:1 time everyday (story, puzzles etc).. She has a younger sister who is in comparison very laid back and is 16 months and has just started to 'be interesting' in terms of walking and talking to the rest of the world. I feel like my relationship with DD1 is degenerating and it's a cycle of looking foward all week to being with them on my day off and then feeling terrible when days off are spent with me screeching at her defiance.
The potty training issue is a refusal to poo anywhere but in nappy or pants (she isn't constipated) further exacerbated by an early bowel movement that happens at 5 am every day. Pings out of bed at least once a night goes to bed 7.30 ish and wakes at 5 and is grumpy but persuading her to sleep in day to catch up is a challenge..

any thoughts greatly welcomed!

Have been thinking and just want to say thanks again to Hairy Toe and mrs mattie. I have been so much at my wits end with dd1 that i have been contemplating stopping work because i'm convinced myself this is why. Not that we can afford for me to do this so it's useful to know that this is not likely to be the root cause of the problem. :-)

Im just readint this and you have described my.daughter

The thing that worked with my defiant toddler (now 5.5) was noticing and giving attention to all of his good behaviours. I switched the attention in the house from yelling at the bad stuff to praising the good stuff and it was t.r.a.n.s.f.o.r.m.a.t.i.o.n.a.l. We started connecting, enjoying each others company. He did more of the bad stuff at first, kind of testing the boundaries, and it probably look about 6 months to fully work and we're always polishing it as everyone is constantly evolving....but now he's the kind of kid who does things without being asked.

Would recommend reading 'calmer, happier, easier parenting' and 'how to talk so little kids will listen'. It really helped us to connect in a positive way, less of a battle and more of a team. Has changed the way I parent and basically the whole mood of our house and family is improved. Can't recommend strongly enough.

The phrase 'I'm getting cross. If I have to ask again it will be a shouty ask' really helped our house during the transition period. They didn't want to be shouted at so would usually switch the behaviour, but also if they didn't and I ended up shouting we were all kinda prepared for it and so I felt less guilty!!