I'm not good enough

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

DS1 hurt DD. Sent him to the step. Refused to go and pushed his sister hurting her. Have spent the last 3/4 hours trying to get him to sit on his step. He has wrecked the lounge, spoilt DD and DS2's game several times. Frightened the cat and the baby. Hidden in various places. Refused to go to his room. Refused to have his tea. (My cooking and baking are awful apparently)
Threatened to run away so I took all the keys. Somehow he got out of the front door and ran half way down the road. I had to abandon DD and DS2 and run after him. What the hell do I do? He is 7 in March. I know he has been angry over the death of GN but this seems plain bad behaviour. DH not here and can't come home. Help!

He has bitten me too.

Anyone? Please.

can you put him in his bedroom and tell him to get his pyjamas on ?

you ARE good enough NAB .. you are having a particularly difficult time at the moment .. breathe deeply

Death of his GN (is that Great Nana), I posted on here last week cause my dd2 was acting out of character at the recent death of her Great Nana. She was locking her self in her room and having great big tantrums. We are having to take her to the grave to place flowers on it as we feel she is upset for never getting to say goodbye. Could something like this help.

Has just hurt the baby. Still refusing to do as he was told. Just put him in his room and now he is down.

So that dh won't come home.

I struggle with this kind of thing from my almost 7 DS. Somehow you just have to stick to your guns and not lose your temper. Easier said than done. My DS openly says "this is fun" if I try to carry him to his room or forcibly remove toys from him, especially at bed-time, when it is more fun to fight than to clean your teeth.
Whenever possible now, I walk pointedly to another room, and try to ignore him. Also I'm back to putting toys on top of the wardrobe for bad behaviour.

back in room ... tell him if he comes out again you will take away for a week

it's a power struggle now ..

Sorry I dived in talking about ME before seeing about death of GN.
I suppose he has to show his feelings somehow, but it's not on to be hurting other people.
Can you get him to go and beat up his favourite teddy or punch the pillows..

Will ignoring him and making a really big fuss of the other children and how good they are being help?

Worked on my nephew like a dream and he used to be vile to his brother (to the point of drawing blood )

Why cant your dh come home? Does he know how bad the situation is?

oh, and you are good enough!!

When I ran away from home (admittedly i only got to the end of the road!) my mum called the police.

I didnt do it again!

Ignoring him might well help- but not making him feel that you are comparing him to the other children! It's the sort of thing that sometimes slips out, but really it's something we should avoid at all cost. It only increases resentment.

This is clearly very tiresome behaviour, but I don't think it is abnormal or OTT in a 6-year-old boy. IMO it sounds less worrying than when my ds started hurting himself after a bereavement last year, though the reason is clearly similar. The things I did then was: acknowledge his pain, explain that he had to learn to take it out on something safe (showed him how to beat up the bedding), and give him a special password he could use if he needed me to take him to one side so he could talk about the bad things that had happened.

My dd had spectacular tantrums when her disability first became apparent (age 7/8); in fact, I've still got the scar where she bit into my hand. She got herself into the sort of state where she really didn't seem to recognise the people around her. As she is a tall well built girl, it did require quite a bit of handling- mainly by me as dp is a bit of a whimp about these things. I used to restrain her gently but firmly (from behind, arms pinning down her arms, and one leg up around her legs) and just calmly repeat: 'no I can't let you hurt me/little brother'. I felt that she needed more than anything to feel that there was somebody there who was strong and powerful enough to control her without getting frightened, at a time when her feelings were too strong for herself to control. I also spent lots of time on activities together, and treated her in a more grownup way when she was being calm.

Your ds's tantrums don't sound as bad as this, but I think the principle is the same. What they need is the safety of feeling that there is somebody there who can handle the situation and who is not frightened or at their wits end- and who will never love them any the less. Someone who has the strength to go on indefinitely protecting them from doing something really bad. All right, so you won't actually feel this- this is the bit you have to fake! Practise in front of the mirror.

The hardest thing to do in this scenario is the most effective. Ignoring.

Make a concerted effort to give attention to the other two because they are being good.

Completely ignore him until he starts behaving/being nice. Worth a try?@

How old are DS2 and DD? I'm a big fan of the ignoring technique however if he is jealous of a new arrival (you mentioned a baby) then IMHO ignoring might exacerbate things. From what you describe I think that a cooling off period is needed and then a calm talk to see if you find the root of the problem. Is it jealously because I spend a lot of time with the baby, is it because GN died?

Keeping hold of your temper is really key here - I'm crossing my fingers for you. Hope it gets better.

How was I comparing him to others? The behaviour was very bad. He bit, pinched and head butted me. He spat in my face and in the end I sat on him for half an hour until his dad came home.

The baby is 2 1/2yr so not about jealousy.

He also kept telling the youngest one to do naughty things.

I was ignoring as much as possible but when he got out of the house twice and went running off I had to go after him.

DH has an umportant job and oculdn't just leave but he did leave earlier than normal and got home v quickly.

DD is 4 and DS2 is 2 1/2.

He has lost the computer and piano for a week for throwing a block at each thing and all his toys from his room.

I feel like shit so I could do without any critism for anything I have done if you don't mind. Tell me later what I did wrong if you must when I am in a better frame of mind to handle it.

Don't let him see you are riled by the behaviour, if this is possible. Stay as calm as a cucumber, you're mum and you're in charge at the end of the day. You are good enough, because your mum. He needs your consistent old self to be able to go through and overcome this. If he was close to family member, this is probably some sort of response - he will have picked up on your response too to the loss of a family member. Ignore things to a point, but support him out of the hole he has dug. Shorter removal of toys will give you more leverage with him. Earn, back, remove when neccessary.

If all are asleep, hot bath, and a glass of wine might help the frame of mind!

We all cried when Dh told us GN had died but it isn't a big thing. What I mean by that is I acknowledge we are all sad when it is mentioned but I am not going around crying all the time.

This is serious what has happened tonight and we are completely out of our depth.

Have drunk too much wine and eaten too many chocolates and now I am off to bed.

How the hell do we get through this

Nab matey - you may have seen some of the things i've written about my DDs behaviour recently. So I am in no position to critisize you or even to offer advice - cos none of it is working with me! Hope tomorrow is better for you.

NAB, I never said you were comparing him to others- it was somebody else posting just before me who suggested that you should point out how good the others were being. So in answer to their post (becaroo, I think) I said that I didn't think that would be a good thing to do. That's not criticism of your parenting! I sort of assumed that you would be reading the whole thread.

I can't find any other post that criticises you either. Everybody seems very supportive. Pointing out how I dealt with difficult behaviour in a similar situation is not criticism, is it? Nor is pointing out that you don't have to worry about his behaviour being abnormal- that was meant to be reassuring. Nor does it mean that I do not appreciate that it is very difficult behaviour.

I think you did absolutely right in running after him- of course you did! I don't think the people who said to ignore him meant that you can't save him from running into the road- merely that it helps if you pretend to be a lot calmer than you're really feeling while doing so. Which is good advice- really, it is.

Have you read Dr Christopher Green's Beyond Toddlerdom - keeping the 5 to 12s on the rails? It has lots of advice and ideas and may be helpful.

Wishing you all the best.

Thanks cory. I had rad the whole thread but not very well consideing the stress I was under.

I wasn't getting any critism at the time, I merely asked that i didn't get any as I was (and still am) feeling at rock bottom and couldn't take it right then.

broguemum, have bought the book you mentioned and have read bits about death to try and see how to help him and will try and read some more today. TBH I think there is more to it.

He keeps telling me he doesn't want me to love him. I tell him I will never stop loving him.

I sat on him for 30 mins last night until DH came home as I was worried he would get out again. He then spat in my face, pinched me, hit me and head butted me. He also bent my fingers back and tried to break them. I just let him get on with it as I knew he was hurting too. DH and I just don't know what to do.

DS and DD have both been full of it this morning and I am on the verge of tears all the time.

Do you have a belt or something that you could tie his bedroom door closed with?? I know it is drastic but then you are getting away from each other and he is where he needs to be to calm down. I hope it gets better for you soon. Take care

Oh I do hope things sort themselves out! It sounds like you're getting exhausted and I do feel for you!

Personally, I don't think I would let him pinch you or bend your fingers- I would restrain his hands until he calmed down and just keep repeating 'no, I can't let you do that, no we don't hurt each other in this house, I'll hold you until you calm down'. Either that- or, as others suggest try to keep away (easier said than done, I know).

Make sure all doors are locked and he can't get out if you have any reason to fear he will try to escape.

You're doing well to keep telling him you'll never stop loving him. He doesn't mean what he says to you, he's just trying to wind you up and you are showing him that you are in charge and he can't push your buttons.

Choose a moment when he is calm to talk about what happens when he gets these angry feelings. Ask if he is thinking about anything particularl when it starts. Explain that all people get angry feelings from time to time, but that it is really dangerous to hit other people. Tell him there are safe ways he can be angry. Show him. Join in in beating up the upholstery. But obviously, this has to be done when he is feeling calm and confident.

Hoping things will start looking up soon!