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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I'm not good enough

97 replies

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 16/01/2008 17:03

DS1 hurt DD. Sent him to the step. Refused to go and pushed his sister hurting her. Have spent the last 3/4 hours trying to get him to sit on his step. He has wrecked the lounge, spoilt DD and DS2's game several times. Frightened the cat and the baby. Hidden in various places. Refused to go to his room. Refused to have his tea. (My cooking and baking are awful apparently)
Threatened to run away so I took all the keys. Somehow he got out of the front door and ran half way down the road. I had to abandon DD and DS2 and run after him. What the hell do I do? He is 7 in March. I know he has been angry over the death of GN but this seems plain bad behaviour. DH not here and can't come home. Help!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HonoriaGlossop · 17/01/2008 14:42

exactly Twig. For now, no reason he shouldn't feel 'treated'.

I honestly think it's the length and type of these punishments which is making life so hard. I hope you have a good afternoon NAB. Good luck.

ingles2 · 17/01/2008 14:55

Hope it goes well NAB, let us know later

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 17/01/2008 15:53

We're home. He is in his room playing with some ice cubes we made the other day. He is colouring them in.

Came out of school okay. Very quiet with me and a couple of people who spoke ot him. Didn't want to stroke the dog he loves.

After a few minutes he told me he was still cross with Daddy for not letting him go to the hospital to see GN. I told him she was very poorly and we didn't want him to be upset, that we did what we thought was best. TBH I don't think my MIL woul dhave let him go in even if we had said he could.

OP posts:

ingles2 · 17/01/2008 16:07

Poor thing, GN has obviously affected him hard and as I said earlier a lot for him to cope with emotionally.
How are you feeling now?

RGPargy · 17/01/2008 16:23

But it's good that he has communicated with you at least. Surely that's a start?

How are things now?

HonoriaGlossop · 17/01/2008 16:25

well that sounds promising NAB. Communication is all!It was great that he felt able to explain to you and to verbalise that he felt cross with his dad.

The more chats like that you have, the less need he will have to generally lash out and make mischief.

Let us know how it goes from here on in!

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 17/01/2008 16:39

He is being very sweet and scarily good.

I asked him, now that all was calm, did he want to talk about yesterday but when I said a bit about what had happened he said he couldn't remember. Apparently his memory has gone.

DD has been sent out of the room for cheek. Says she is going to hurt herself. (Copying big brother.)

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HonoriaGlossop · 17/01/2008 16:43

Well that's fine if the poor lad has lost his memory He knows you will talk things over with him if he wants - he obviously doesn't really want to.

It's a difficult balance to strike, talking about stuff, isn't it because the danger can be if you go over stuff, the old feelings just get inflamed again. I think the thing is to always keep it positive and remind them that was then, this is now and it's all over and dealt with.

motherhurdicure · 17/01/2008 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Twiglett · 17/01/2008 17:28

sometimes I think it's ok not to rehash bad behaviour if there is a positive attempt to not repeat it .. it seems like he's being 'good' .. let him be .. and give him lots of praise for the way he's acting with nor reference to previous

did you consider getting Michael Rosen's Sad Book .. i do think it would be worthwhile it is a book about the author's real feelings about the death of his son and done on a child's level and I think it could be helpful ..

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 17/01/2008 17:36

Haven't heard of that book. One to look at.

All ok though DD being a bit of a madam but up for a bath in a minute.

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RGPargy · 17/01/2008 23:34

How are things, NAB?

discoverlife · 17/01/2008 23:49

"He keeps telling me he doesn't want me to love him."

I have only skimmed the thread but, could your DS be trying to protect you or himself. He has just lost his GN and has seen the hurt that everybody is suffering. Could he be trying to make you hate him (or is he trying to hate you) so that it won't 'hurt' when you leave (die).
Along the lines of, 'If I hate you then it wont hurt when I die'. Protecting himself.
Or 'If you hate me then it won't hurt you when I die'. Protecting you.

discoverlife · 17/01/2008 23:52

Sorry got mixed up with all the I/you's.
Should read--- 'If I hate you then it won't hurt me when you die'. Protecting self.

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 18/01/2008 11:59

I do agree that it could be self preservation. I am totally like that but I had reason for it. If he is like it, and seems to be a bit of a worrier, it must be learnt behaviour rather than genetic as mine was caused by environmental reasons.

The kids were very challenging this morning and gave me looks when I asked them to do/not do something. TBH I am glad they are at school for a few hours.

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Buda · 18/01/2008 12:12

NAB - very sorry you are having such a tough time with your DCs.

Re DS1 - I would hugely big up the good stuff today. Grab him for a sneaky cuddle/tickle fest. Maybe spend some time alone with him if poss over the weekend.

FWIW I have a friend who has 3 children whose behaviour is not great and is getting worse because she doesn't do anything about it. She moans about it but doesn't actually DO anything. You on the other had are doing great because you are trying your very best to find a solution - so don't ever say you are not good enough - you damn well are.

Have to go now but will check back later.

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 18/01/2008 12:31

Thank you Buda.

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Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 18/01/2008 18:39

DS1 has asked to have a talk with Daddy about what happened with GN the last couple of days and they are doing that now. DS1 asking lots of questions but seems fine at the moment.

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RGPargy · 18/01/2008 20:56

Wow, what a breakthrough!! Fantastic NAB! Please let us know the outcome.

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 18/01/2008 21:03

I listened in and it was really upsetting. Dh's voice was going, he was telling Ds how GN had managed a bit of jelly and Ds wanted to know what flavour. He seemed okay with the talk. I think a tiny bit of him thinks she may come back.

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Buda · 18/01/2008 21:10

Oh NAB! How sad. But this is all part of his grieving/anger/denial/understanding stage. Prob good for your DH too TBH.

I know he is challenging but he sounds like a lovely boy underneath it all. I think he needs lots of TLC.

How would he respond to you getting him on-side as your oldest and more dependable one? For example if the younger ones are doing something they shouldn't or playing up how would he react if you sort of brought him is as the older one? So if you looked over at him when they were playing up and said something like "I am glad you are here for a bit of more grown-up behaviour and help - look at these two - you used to be like this but are so much more grown-up now".

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 18/01/2008 22:00

He is a really lovely boy and should anything happen to him I would die of a broken heart. He is so precious as my firstborn but also as we nearly lost him.

Great idea Buda about saying he is more grown up. Will try and remember that.

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