So do you think we may have a problem with ds?

[justoneweeboy]

Please read this and tell me how old you think ds is, I want to see if we might have an issue as he does not seem to be anywhere near his peers.

DS is not toilet trained day or night, has no desire to be. He also resists having a nappy change.

DS does not cope with anything intrusive at all so haircuts, nail cutting, hairwashing, face washing, getting dressed or undressed are all horrible experiences which I dread.

DS is not able to dress himself at all, he can take his socks and shoes off however. DS does not seem to have any desire to do things for himself, like walk although he can, feed himself although he can.

DS cannot ride a trike but can manage a push along the ground one without the peddles, he can run, jump, climb a ladder of about 3 rungs high.

DS does not use park equipment, such as slides, roundabouts, big swings etc, he will go on an infant swing.

DS can talk for England and can put up a fairly good arguement.

DS doesn't play with toys, he demands attention pretty much from dawn to dust and does not seem able to occupy himself. He does enjoy stories and will happily listen to them for up to an hour at times.

DS does enjoy simple computer games and this is the incentive we use to get him to comply with us...(sticker chart type thing). DS has to be in the mood to comply and get the sticker though we hear about it all night long if he doesnt get enough stickers to earn a game (He has to earn 3 a day..1 for using a talking voice to ask for something (only has to do this once but it has to be unprompted) Using very good listening ears and doing what he is asked straight away (again only has to do this once) and last sticker for brushing his teeth top and bottom, back and front without screaming, hitting, spitting or general mayhem)

DS seldom sleeps through the night, I think he has dreams often about not getting stickers apparently.

DS has huge meltdowns!!!!!!!! Time is the only cure for these with as little input from us as possible, we just make sure he is safe we are safe and let him go for it till he calms down. Have tried all the traditional methods but when he is really in one he just has to run out of steam.

Anyway feel free to ask questions but how old would you expect this child to be or is it impossible to tell.

Love from a very very worn out mum as this wee man has been hard work from the get go.

He sounds about 3 and a bit.

You sound exhausted. HOpe you are OK.

Thanks for answering collision, yes am ok just worn out and got myself in a bit of a tizz reading beh and dev as it seems that every age after this is just as bad, I really need a light at the end of the tunnel and to know that he will actually get better about all this stuff as life not really much fun at the mo though I do loads with him and try to give him as much fun and enjoyment as I can while still trying desperately to ride out his storms.

I think up to 4 you are describing a situation a lot of us deal with......
My guess is you were always helping him/trying to prevent him getting hurt/meltdowns when he was little.

Anyway, I think if he is 2+ you should start toughening up and saying NO, do not give too many options and challenge him in a playfull way rather than ordering.

My DS is going on 4. He was a model child untill 3 when he turn into a new person. From 3 to 3.5 was really hard work and testing the limits and not willing to listen. Now 3.8 and he definitely understands the limits and much easier.

Regarding physical activities you have to lead the way. They learn by imitation and repetition. Provide opportunities and join in untill he's confident to have a go on his own.
Little gym sort of thing is very helpfull.

3 maybe 4 . You sound so tired . I hope things get on a more even keel or at least you can get some rest .

Again thanks for the answers, as for toughening up we are actually pretty clear with him... we have three rules don't hurt yourself, others or the things around you. We are very consistent with him we do all the things the books say to do except when he wakes at night I do get up to him as he really seems genuine, he wakes sobbing I go in he says he didn't get his sticker, I tell him he can try again tomorrow, he calms down and goes back to sleep. Have lead the way all the way with the physical activities, loads of opportunity to practice, fun games etc etc but he just is not willing to give things a go, is very very praised if he does etc, etc. Anyway I think the answer to my question is no there is not a problem as such because you are spot on he is 3.3. I looked after 3 other children for a day and a night the other day. The other boys all used the toilet, changed into their jammas willingly and by themselves, brushed their own teeth and hopped into bed. Mine well mine was a slightly different story but there you have it.

Just be consistent and keep routine and rules and PICK YOUR FIGHTS because they can only learn and master one thing at a time.Tthings will get easier soon.
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Is there another category that he can do that he could also get a sticker for? I found making the chart together and asking him what he thought would be a good idea for him to get a sticker for worked quite well. it's a case of it being both your rules not just yours IYSWIM. At least if he got one sticker for something he can do well might not make him so upset in wanting a sticker in the night.

Don't know whether you do this but try with things like going to the park saying 'I wonder if you are now big enough to go on the slide, shall we see?' then huge encouragement saying I'll go first extra.

Try not saying 'no' to anything as that is quite final try and use 'maybe we can do that another time' or whatever which is abit more positive.

With my ds who is now 6 1/2 I used to (he is very headstrong and is frightened of being wrong) say 'I bet'. Like I bet you can't get upstairs before me at bedtime cue quickly running upstairs then me saying 'wow' how did you manage that? well done' etc etc

Try and get some positive stuff into everything (I know it's easy to say) but now ds at 6 is a real sweetie so there is light at the end of the tunnel but it just doesn't feel like it at the time.

He sounds 3

And 3 is downright gruelling.

oh poor you

I think he sounds about 3 years old .. possibly 3 and a half

To be honest, if the stickers are causing such upset, I'd drop the sticker chart. It relies heavily on you noticing his good behavior and that isn't always possible - I also think it's unfair to punish a 3 year old at night for something they did in the morning.

RE whining, shouting - pretend you can't hear it, and you can only hear nice voices. It works.

If he enjoys stories get him some story tapes. Does he go to playschool? How is he there, if he does.

Justoneweeboy, you have to remember the way children behave with you is not an indication of the Hell they put their mothers through.

justoneweeboy, I also have just one wee boy, who is 4. I could have written your post when he was 3.3. We seem to lurch from one set of challenges to the next! I see other children of the same age, managing things my ds just cannot. And then...he does things they can't.
THe physical side will come, and maybe for your own peace of mind, something like tumbletots would be good? THey you know you are helping and he has a place to encourage development.
We find that the sticker chart thing doesn't really work with ds, and I personally am uncomfortable with that sort of pressure on an intense character. I know it's cheesy and American, but we found How To Talk So Kids Will Listen really works with ds. I am not a big one for books and methods but we needed help and this works and life is pleasanter.
We still have difficult days, no doubt, but changing how we deal with him and also those extra 9 months have helped.

It sounds normal for that age to me. My DD is still having meltdowns and she is 4 next week, though it is getting easier as I can reason with her now.

I think you will notice a huge difference over the next 6 months. My DD is much more able to do things for herself now than she was at 3.3yrs.

all i can say is, i really feel for you, but dont read books about their behaviour.development you are his mum and you know best. we were given those maternal instincts for a reason. do you honestly feel something is wrong with him or do you expect him to do these things because other people's dc are? a mothers instincts are ALWAYS right and this is no exception. you're a supper mum to have got this far with a nervous breakdown IMO! LMAO!

Just reread your bit about sobbing in the night about stickers.
I'd drop this. It's not fair - he is still little and it is obviously too much for him. I know the aim of sticker charts is to encourage but imo it shouldn't be hurting him.

Thanks everybody, furball we did make the star chart together and we have tried to make it fairly easy to earn the stickers other than the teeth one which he struggles with but even when he earns them all he will wake up in the night with something that has bothered him last night it was "I don't think I had enough dinner and now I won't ever grow as big as daddy" (he had eaten a huge dinner at the time!!) IF we do the I bet, or I will race you he will usually just ignore us "I bet you can't brush your teeth" results in no response.. "I race you to the bathroom" gets "You have big adult legs so you will win because my boy legs can't go that fast, they don't have much muscles in them yet" We also do the positive thing "I can give you xyz instead" or "We can go to the park on a day when it is dry and not rainy, today we could..." Usually just gets "Right now, I want it right now, make that rain stop and go away back in the clouds" etc, etc like I say I try really hard with him and do everything I can. Thanks for all the possitive messages and the support though, it is nice to know we are not alone and I really really hope that we can say "My # year old is a real sweetie"

I'd also stop the stickers and consider a pasta jar approach instead

so you get 10 pieces of pasta at the beginning of the week .. and over the day when he does good things he earns more pasta, when he does stuff you want to discourage pasta is taken away (with a warning)

he can then trade in say 15 pieces of pasta for a computer game?

also we slipped into a computer games at end of the day thing for a while .. it is not conducive to sleep IMHO .. keep the computer for the daytime weekend or the morning

he is sooooo intelligent and well conversed for a 3.3yo

There is a book that's often referred to on MN called something like Parenting the Sensitive Child - I am going to get it. Sounds like something like that might help?

hang on in there, it will pass. Try and do something everyday for yourself even if it's just a nice quite hot bath and a good book just before bed. If you can manage 1/2 me time everyday it also helps.

Does he attend preschool?

justone, I really feel for you - not there yet (dd 14 months so lots to come), but I did think "You have big adult legs so you will win because my boy legs can't go that fast, they don't have much muscles in them yet" was really funny. What a sharp little chap you have there! It must drive you mad, but he sounds like one smart little boy...

bealcain yes he is, he is very clever verbally and gives some delightful moments with his take on life and it is these moments that currently help me survive all of this! Magrat thanks for the pasta idea I will try that but in all honesty I don't actually think the stickers are a problem he is brushing his teeth for the first time in ages with some fuss but not the major issues we were having and the waking at night is for all sorts of things that happen in the day which seem to go over to his dreams...I think he is very sensitive???? and maybe anything that happens during the day gets processed at night as it is amazing the things he wakes up about.

OhGiveUsAPruniPudding do you know who the author of that book is please

Three is very testing. What about narrowing it down and getting dh to set a goal, one at a time. First putting certain clothes on , then .... some children are very independant and want to do everything themselves, this brings its own problems if you are in a rush - ha ha. So, he is not driven, so what. It feels likea big mountain, but it might be easier for you, if you break it down into manageable goals.

I think the benefit of the pasta jar, which is not my idea btw, is that it gives you the ability to praise and to admonish in one .. whereas a sticker is only a do this and get that .. a pasta jar can fill up and empty depending on behaviour reinforcing the continual desire to do the right thing

I do think that any of these tools will only work for a max of 3 - 4 weeks by the way