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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Anyone decide to be a SAHM due to their childs emotional/socail problems? And will it help them?

27 replies

worriedmum34 · 02/12/2007 21:00

I've another thread about my ds aggressive behaviour towards other children. He's 2.5 and finds it hard to play nicely and share with other children.
Both nursery, friends and family have all commented on how he is the worst behaved of all the children either in the family, of his friends or in the nursery in terms of hitting/pushing/biting.

If we pass a child on the street he growls at them or hits out.

I'm really at the end of my tether atm, at home and nursery we use time out, and if he hurts another child during a playdate/party/soft play etc we leave straight away explaining to him why we left.

The only other thing I can think of is leaving work to be a SAHM. I work full time atm. Money wwil be impossiblty tight and I'm not even sure it's finacially possible but if it helped ds then I would.

Anyone done it, and found that the childs behaviour improved?

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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motherinferior · 02/12/2007 21:03

I appreciate how worried you are, but do you somehow think it's your fault for working? Because I can't see why it would be. Loads of mothers work. And even more fathers.

Original poster

worriedmum34 · 02/12/2007 21:09

Just feel at bit like ds is pushed from pillar to post, and maybe if he had a bit more stability at home he would feel more secure in himself.

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sarah573 · 02/12/2007 22:04

Worried - don't leave work unless you think its the right thing for you as well as your DS. He's far better of coming home to a happy working mum than spending all day with an unhappy SAHM.

Many many parents work, and raise happy balanced children in the process. Your DS is almost certinally going through a phase (these phases can last years ). Many many kids also spend their whole third year and beyond pushing, shoving, hitting and biting.

If you want to be at home, and you can afford to be at home then do it. Just don't beat yourself up if not.

Original poster

worriedmum34 · 03/12/2007 18:59

I know what you're saying Sarah and Motherinferior. But I just wanted to know if anyone had given up work and then noticed an improvement in their ds' behaviour (or dd)?

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MadamePlatypus · 03/12/2007 19:15

"pushed from pillar to post" - are you worried about his nursery? I did worry at DS's old nursery that he saw different staff every few weeks, the children weren't the same every day and he also changed room atleast every 6 months. Would you/he be happier in a more settled environment e.g. with a childminder? Also could you reduce your working week? There are pros and cons whatever you do, but going from full time to SAHM seems quite an extreme move, particularly if you don't really want to give up your job.

Original poster

worriedmum34 · 03/12/2007 19:30

No, I didn't mean in the nursery, I meant that I had pushed hime from pillar to post as we have tried cm, family and then the nursery.

Today ds had been pulling the childrens hair at nursery, and his keyworker (I initiated the conversation) said that the children do tend to flinch when he walks past

Trouble is I don't know how to help him when he is like this to other children as I'm not there. At home he is lovely.

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Original poster

worriedmum34 · 03/12/2007 20:03

I'm worried he'll end up with no friends.

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mumblechum · 03/12/2007 20:08

I think the fact that he's fine at home (I presume no siblings) indicates that it's nothing too serious, eg ASD.

My ds was a right little thug when he went to a combo of 2 nurseries & me working pt.

I swapped to a childminder, so only me & cm and his behaviour did improve a lot.

ElenyaTuesday · 03/12/2007 20:14

Is there a specific reason why you've changed his childcare in the past?

I did give up work to be a SAHM but that was
because ds2 has horrific eczema rather than any issues around his behaviour.

ElenyaTuesday · 03/12/2007 20:15

sheesh - "had" not "has".

Original poster

worriedmum34 · 03/12/2007 20:33

Had to change through circumstances really, my sister had him for part of the week and a cm the other, but sister had to stop due to health reasons, and the cm coulddn't take him full time so then had to find child care to take him full time.

I applied fro flexible working when I returned from mat leave, but it was turned down. I have looked for p/t or jobshare work but nothing advertised (I teach) in this area.

So at the moment it's full time or nothing. I'm happy to give up work if it would really help him.

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MadamePlatypus · 03/12/2007 20:40

Would you be able to go back to work easily if you did give up? How long is it until he will be starting school? It sounds to me as though it wouldn't be the end of the world for you if you had a break, and that whatever the pros and cons of nursery are in general, you feel he is happier at home.

Original poster

worriedmum34 · 03/12/2007 20:43

He would start FS1 (nursery)in September 08, and start school (FS2 - reception) 2009.

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pagwatch · 03/12/2007 20:52

I gave up work but because of DS's ASD rather than 'just' social problems. It had nothing to do with being my fault obviously (!!!!!) but my being at home made a huge difference to him. It is important though that it is a choice for you as well as your child. Nothing worse for a child with 'issues' to be at home with a SAHM who is not hwere her heart wants to be.
So my thing would be, you are his mum - if you think it might help then yes it might - but BOTH of you need to be happy.

MadamePlatypus · 03/12/2007 21:01

I think a problem is that no child at 2.5 really has much empathy for other children, and its very difficult to 'explain' things to them. I think you can be consistent in how you treat them, but there is no magic solution.

DS has certainly had his moments with other people, and I really feel for you. I did give up work to go on maternity leave with DD when he was 3 (still haven't gone back yet). I don't think his behaviour improved particularly, yes he was at home with me more, but he also had a new little sister to contend with. He goes to pre-school, which is a different set up - always the same children, always the same teachers, and his behaviour is better, but then he is almost 4 now so I would expect an improvement.

The one thing that I would say is that I don't think it is positive for him to be in an environment where he is the 'worst' child. Like all children he has to follow his own path in his own time, and I thinks it unfair to be the 'naughty' one just because you are at a different stage emotionally/socially.

Anyway, goodluck. You will never know whether you made the right decision, whatever you decide. All you can do is go with your gut instinct and hope for the best.

MadamePlatypus · 03/12/2007 21:02

he is at a different stage, not you, I mean. (!)

Original poster

worriedmum34 · 05/12/2007 13:27

Thank you MadamePlatypus, I understanhd what you are saying.

I went to see a preschool with ds this moring and in the space of half an hour he had hit a child with a spoon, pulled a clump of hair out of a little girl who just wanted to cuddle him and hit out at any child who came within hitting distance.

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mrsgboring · 05/12/2007 19:49

I gave up work because DS didn't take to childcare at all (and I was appalled by the nursery I'd stupidly picked while on maternity leave and didn't know anything about babies and toddlers' real needs). Life became about a thousand percent better.

It does sound to me like your DS needs to be out of his current environment, and the least disruptive way of making that change would be to become SAHM (i.e. not having to get him used to another carer and setting).

Original poster

worriedmum34 · 05/12/2007 20:18

Mrsgboring - why didn't your lo take to your childcare arrangements?

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crazyjimbob · 05/12/2007 22:02

hi, my eldest son went to nursery age 2 after being with my mum from early age (I worked full time as did hubby). Nursery raised concerns from few weeks after starting,in relation to behaviour social interaction - these things were not obvious to us as only child - did not see him with children similar age so did not see anything really different. To cut long story short son has been diagnosed with Pathological Demand Avoidance, which is a pervasive development disorder related to Autism and Aspergers. And my youngest is 2.5yrs like yours and is currently being assessed as he again is showing aggression at nursery towards other kids (plus some other things which are not typical behaviours, though to me a lot more subtle than my other son but because of family history think more attention paid to concerns) and assessments have picked up stuff I have not noticed which may indicate an ASD in him too.

I remember when eldest was at nursery it was them stressing to me that his behaviour was not typical, it was more than terrible twos.

What I am trying to say is what do nursery think? They see lots of kids every day and see how they behave. Does he play with other children his age or just alongside them? Does he relate to older kids better? Does he have any unusual habits? Does he play imaginative games (not copied from TV?)Can he cope with playing imaginative games with another child? How is his speech?

We asked health visitor for advice and they came to assess both my sons when problems became apparent. Then referrals were made to other organisations.

An important message from many professionals is that despite my sons behaviour I need to keep them interacting socially with others, otherwise they will not learn (and to do things you already do - time out/ remove from situation when incident occurs).

I still work although 3 days now and I know how difficult it must be for you - been there myself. At one point when eldest was refered I was asked to go on a parenting course as they felt I was not bonding and did not understand him as I worked full time - at end of 12 wk course they wrote to paediatrician and said that he showed all behaviours reported by nursery and us, and could they assess for Autistic spectrum disorders... (my opinion is that I will do all they say in order to show them I am willing to try and help them best I can)

Could you ask nursery for advice/ opinion / support if you approach your HV to explain problems and see what they think as to whether it is behaviour? It may be worth seeking advice and then considering whether you should be a stay at home mum or not...

was your son happier with your sister/ childminder and is it only since being at nursery that the aggression has started?

cornsilk · 05/12/2007 22:06

2.5 is still very young - lots of children (especially boys) can be aggressive and grow out of it. At least he's getting the opportunity to learn about boundaries now before he starts school. He may just have the same problems in reception if you become a sahm.

crazyjimbob · 05/12/2007 22:07

sorry about long post. Last bit seems not too clear - what I am saying is
ask nursery do they think he has a problem? Is he typical terrible twos or have they noticed any unusual behaviour?
Would they support you if you asked your HV to come - perhaps they would allow the HV to assess him at nursery one session (and HV may do home visit to see how he is there)
HV may then suggest behaviour support from a professional, or may refer him for an assessment if any other sort of problem is suspected
good luck

ohcomeALYefaithful · 05/12/2007 22:16

I was about to post similarly to cjb, if you have concerns with his behaviour - or understanding/communication which could be causing him to be frustrated/aggressive - speak to your HV.

I chose not to go back to work, luckily am in a position where not too detrimental to lifestyle, due to DS' serious health/developmental problems. There is no way I would trust anyone else to do all the physio, speech/play therapy etc I do with him each day.

HonoriaGlossop · 05/12/2007 22:41

Maybe he's not ready for the nursery environment and yes I would imagine it would be possible that the changes in caring arrangements have unsettled him.

I would talk to your HV, I think that's a good idea to get them to just have a quick look at him.

I have to say though that there is NOTHING so undermining as to feel that nursery think badly of your child and that he is a 'naughty' child or has some sort of inability to do what they expect; for you, AND your child. My ds had this with his first pre-school, the keyworker was basically treating him as some sort of problem child; we moved him, he's been to another pre school and now school and receives awards left right and centre for his behaviour and his 'impeccable manners'

Sometimes it's the environment not the child. If you think you could get back to work sometime without it impacting too much on your ability to pay the bills now, why on earth not give being a SAHM a go? It certainly won't do him any harm - and I think you can only find out by doing it.

I'm different to many, I think it doesn't necessarily have to be the best thing for you AND your child; if you are going to take any unhappiness out on your child then that might be the case but you are clearly not going to do that. And it's not even forever - he will be at school in a very short time! If it's the best thing for the child then that's the criteria. I'm not saying you wouldn't use that, it's just a bit of a rant. Happy mummy = happy baby is a mantra now that gets repeated ad infinitum but it CAN - not accusing ANYONE on here! - be an excuse for selfishness.

Anyway. That's not you, clearly. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Original poster

worriedmum34 · 06/12/2007 21:12

Thank you everyone - you've given me plenty to think about.

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