Ds1 again. I'm starting to wonder if his behaviour is ADD/ADHD, nothing has changed. He's still the hardest work. Yet at school he's a model pupil- helpful, caring, attentive.....It just doesn't make sense.

[LadyTophamHatt]

I am sooooo tired of his behaviour. I've looked online at the typical behaviour of ADD/ADHD and sooooo much if it is DS1.

He's rude to me, he has no respect for me (sometimes DH too but not at bad as me) he's a bully with his younger brothers, he ignores everyone unless it suits him. His make no attempt to do as he is told until its got to the point where I'm (or Dh) is screaming in his face.
It's like he's in his own little world. He doesn't concentrate on anything for more then and few minutes and is then on to the next thing...but is oblivious of them thing he's just left behind.

I could go on and on.

Yet at school he's the absolute opposite.
He helps the teachers, the younger children, runs errands for the teachers around school. Has had to many good behaviour stickers and head teacher awards its untrue.

This makes me think it can't be ADD/ADHD.

I know that I should be grateful he's like it at school but I'm truely at my witts end with him. He went out with Dh all day yesterday, not as treat but to give me a break. I took Ds2,3 and 4 bowling and for apizza after and the differnence in them when Ds1 isn't there is amzing. There wasn't a single raised voice from me, no arguing between them, we had a really nice day.
There no -way I would even concider do the same if DS1 was there too.

He gets positive attention at home, we do nice things, he isn't "hard done by" and yet his behaviour if anything has got worse.

I think it sounds like you're in a negative cycle with him. I honestly think from your posts, that it has got to the stage where you don't like him and he knows that. It must be almost unbearable to feel that coming from your mum and of course the nasty feelings that are inside as a result come out in being nasty.

I am not blaming you for this. It's very easy indeed for this situation to arise and it's almost impossible to like someone who behaves in a way you can't respect or like; that's why it's so hard to break the cycle.

I could be wrong here and ignore this if so but I think I remember a thread a while ago you had one here about his lying. I do remember it striking me strongly that SOME of his behviour that you were labelling as lying, wasn't actually. Something about telling you he'd caught a fish - was that you?? That sort of thing is just about wanting positive attention, wanting to acheive, wanting to be noticed and praised.

Do you think you'd take outside help? The fact that he so enjoyed his day in Paris (and his school behaviour) shows that he is so capable of being good company that it's a shame YOU, his mum, don't get a bit of that delight that he can obviously give.

If this were me I'd consider going to the GP and asking if they can refer for family therapy. They might be able to assess the situation and put in some strategies where they're needed?

I do think he sounds as if he just loves and soaks up the one to one time with adults. Of course it's so hard to provide that in a larger family. But all children have their own needs and way of operating that's ideal to them. It's finding how you can give them as much of that as you can I guess.

Do consider the outside help.

He has always been hard work, even when it he was little and before Ds2 came along. He was only just 2 then so it was prob more the general 2yr old behaviour. Since starting playschool at 2.5 he has alway been drawn more towards adults then other other children. Literally every single parent-teacher meeting has said the same, from 2.5yrs until now.
So looking at that he does crave attention frome adult....but he does get attention. Also If I ask him to come with me to wherever he'll alway say he'll stay here with DH insteaed. He enjoys Dh's company so to take him off with me stops that and makes him difficult fro me because he wants top get home in super fast time.

Vicious circle.

As for not liking him. I certainly don't like the behaviour and the child he is as home has a lot be be desired BUT I know that not 100% him. We talked and talked about why/how/when he's like it, treid all sorts of incentives but it always goes back to this.

He's funny and full of engery and good fun tyo be with when he's doing waht he wants but obviously that can't happen all the time.

Ohh I don't know.

I've started thread lik ethis so many times....it's pointless really.

I take some reassurance in the fact that my difficult dd1 is well behaved for others and is doing well at school.
That should be good enough.

But i do know what you mean, the rudeness etc is just unbearable. There is no way id of ever dreamt of speaking to my mother the way dd1 speaks to me. Why doesnt she fear me in the same way?

Also, its embarressing when its in public.

'There is no way id of ever dreamt of speaking to my mother the way dd1 speaks to me. Why doesnt she fear me in the same way? '

haycheebeejeebees

thats exactly what I say.

I sometimes wonder if the way our parents parented us and us trying to 'copy' this has anything to do with it,and perhaps that style of parenting doesn't work anymore?

My mum always says I shouldn't be so tough with my kids...but I'm just bringing them up with the same values etc that my parents did with me.

ladytophamhat I also have talked to her about the behaviour,and tried all the incentives,etc but it does always go back to this.

as for the outside help ie family therapy...wasn't any good for us.Therapist just said it was my dd being a normal child,and there was no mental health issues so they were unable to help.