Just bloody listen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[NAB3]

How many times do you have to ask them to do something? Don't take any notice of me and answer me back everytime I ask them to do something.

Fed up with it. Very tense stomach with the stress of it all.

Personally I will apologise if I feel my behaviour was OTT, which of course, it sometimes can be.

I think it helps to show children we are all infallible and must all be responsible for our actions, I tell my children when I have shouted at them that I am sorry, I didnt mean to shout but I was frustrated with their behaviour, or w/e, that it is wrong to shout at people but it is also very hard to keep your cool sometimes when trying to do the best for your children who seem determined not to listen. I must add, this is done later, after the incident and not straight away, almost like I have had the cooling down period I give them when in time out.

I think the decision to apologise is a very personal one and depends totally on the situation, and/or just how much you feel you overreacted. Sometimes shouting in itself doesnt warrant an apology, but again, its hard to decide what choice to make until you're in the situation.
I think if you feel like you overreacted and that you should apologise, then do so, if you feel that you just dealt with something and an apology is not necessary then don't. After all, as parents we aren't ogres and can still feel bad to the way we have acted, even when pushed.

I hope you've had a better day today

Oh Nab, you're having a shite time recently aren't you?

With dd I found that on the first time she spoke cheekily to me I would say in a soft voice "Please, don't speak to me like that".

Quite often if I say that to her she realises that I am sad (in her words) that she hasn't behaved like a nice girl.

I even had to ger my HV out to my house last summer as I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. She spent time with me here & told me to make a list of rules & reinforce them daily.

She recommended putting our beanbag out in the hall making dd sit on it for 4 minutes. I did only have to do it a few times & now the "Please don't speak to me like that" works OK.

The problem is very simple.

I don't know what I am doing.

Of course you do. But you have had a whole heap of crap loaded on you in the past few weeks, I have read your posts as you reminded me of where I was last summer.

Have you tried saying to your kids "Would you speak to your teacher like that?" I know it sounds crap, but I often say that to dd. One day we even pretended I was her teacher & she my pupil & we had the best day!

Do your kids know how upset they make you when they don't do what they're told?

At least you seem to have a supportive dh.

Oh NAB, that is such a sad thing to say. Of course you know what you are doing - well, as much as most of us. I was speaking to someone today and confessing that I'd had a bit of a tough week with dh away and ds poorly - feel like I've been on a rollercoasted with some good and AWFUL displays of parenting. She said, "well, just as you think you have mastered one stage, they have moved onto another. You constantly feel like you don't know what you are doing"... So, you are not alone! Do you have friends with similar age children that you can discuss 'tactics' with?

FF2 you are lovely, thank you.

I do ask the kids if they would talk to the teacher the way they do me, and they say no, so I say don't talk to me like that then.

We are just so tried and worn down that we can't see the wood for the trees and work out what we need to do, and how we should handle things.

DH is amazing. He has stood by me through the most trying times but he is losing his patience now and that is so hard to see as he is normally so calm and in control.

WNS Don't really have any friends.

I used to be a nanny and I was good then but ofcourse hadn't given birth to them so didn't get PND x 3 and AND x 1 and could see the wood for the trees as I was a step back emotionally.

NAB, I dont think there is a 'right way' and 'wrong way' as such. You just need to decide what punishments you are happy to use, what you constitue as bad behaviour and then stick to it, trying to see as much as possible from the kids POV too.

Maybe sit down with your DH tonight, decide what you want the rules to be, how you will deal with them being broken etc. Write this up clearly and then tell the children tomorrow what you expect of them. It's all well and good us saying do this do that, and giving you a million different options, but this isnt what you need.

You need a plan, that you and your DH agree with, and one that you can follow without too much upheavel.

I can understand you being bored with complaining about it btw, I get the same when I am feeling dragged down by something, it just becomes tedious and annoying. But coming on here to have a moan and ask for advice is probably the best solution. Writing it all out is off loading some of it as such and can also make you think more clearly about your situation, I find having to type legibly and make others understand actually makes me think about it in a kind of detached way.

I also meant to say it helps to have a 'start date' as such, so "as of now blah blah blah". iyswim.

Oh honey, I do totally totally sympathise. You really have had a tough time. Are you finding yourself reacting to every potential battle and being too self-critical? XXX

Nab, what's your HV like?

Because mine saved my sanity last summer. She did point out some thing I wasn't handling properly. Like I would tell her to do something & if she didn't do it I would either do it myself to save time, or scream dementedly at her

If you feel strong enough, do you think you would call the HV or someone similar & say you would be grateful for some help with behavioural problems?

It's important you get that help now before the youngest child starts to think that's it's fine to treat you like crap

I have an almost 6 yr old dd & an almost 3 yr old ds & life isn't a bed of roses all the time.

My dh has been away sice this a.m & I am sat here with dd clinging onto one arm snuggled against me & ds is on the mat watching cinderella for the 2nd time

I think Newts&Frogs practical suggestion is a really good way to help you feel a bit more in control. Good luck.

I empathise with you. Isn't it exhausting?

NAB - just been reading throught this thread (must have one of those headaches again as misread someones comments about throwing ds toys as that she threw ds.....) oops! Just wanted to say .. thank you for your comments and, I think we all have 'I cant do it' moments, being a mum really should come with a handbook, it's the hardest bl**dy thing ever at times, and dc's pick up on that and push us further and further, glad your dh is supporting you in this, you've had a week full of it, and now you feel liek youve crashed - you havent, you need a break from them and the 24 hr demands made on you! To one degree or another we all want to hide under a stone and remove ourseleves from the crappy situations we find ourselves in and the trying times of our dc's, want to lock them away and forget to feed them etc, but when they have got it out of their system we'll enjoy lovley times together and once they have got out of this particular episode will grow up to be fantasic people. Because you have to be mum tomorrow and the next day etc, it's realy not worth getting yourself all stressed up over, I'm bad at this, stomach can be in knots and I'm throwing up when stressed, angry sad or overwhelmed, its just too hard to tel yourself not to do it and you dont always know you are till you have if tha makes sense! Really hope that things settle down for you - can you enjoy a quiet relaxed evenign (with wine if you like!) and an early night - might be more bearable in the morning? Oh and one last thought - lok at all these fantastic people who care about you so much they have all replied, you're special as a mum and an individual - we all have little blips, but theres a huge mn force behind you on this one! horses x (Sorry for the beast of a post ... on a roll!)

The problem is I can't trust m instincts. I had the worst childhood you could ever imagine and I am trying so hard to give my children a good one, that I don't know what the best thing is to do. This isn't what any of us want though.

Writing out house rules sounds like a brilliant idea. (very supernanny but who cares.)

I probably do jump in too quick and twice as hard as necessary when DH hasn't said anything. I don't do 0-10 in slow easy movemenst these days.

My HV was great when we first moved here but have felt badly let down since I had the baby. Might be worth a trip back to clinic though.

What annoys and upsets me the most is I used to be such fun to be around, always laughing, very funny and good company.

HFC thank you so much.

It would be ironic if anyone helping me now knew me in real life. Talk to me then!!!!

Lovely post HFC.

NAB3 - what do you mean "talk to me then"? Are you having major problems making friends? If so, I really feel for you, but you can do it and things will change.

It is a bit 'supernanny' to write stuff out but actually can be a bit cathartic. Sometimes we don't engage in the writing down because we know it all, but if we knew it all, we wouldn't keep reverting to old habits that we want to change.

I mean all the mums at school who don't talk to me. I may give off this I am a moody cow and not friendly but have you ever wondered why. If you ask me how I am and I tell you, and you don't really want to know, don't bloody well ask. Th very fact that I am beiong honest should give you a clue as to how desperate I am for support.

I miss my Nan. Even though she lived far away and couldn't help with baby sitting or financial help she was alwasy there to talk too.

Nab, have you had counselling or anything to help you come to terms with your childhood?

I had 18 long dreadful months to cope with mine & it helped a wee bit.

Sometimes people ask "how are you?" as a way of starting a conversation which they themselves may have been anxious about starting.

I have had different people counsel me and different forms but tbh it never helped and I don't see that it ever could. Very complex.

Sorry your having a hard time NAB, I can definately empathise. I find it very tough looking after my 2, my dd(4) can be a nightmare at times, the backchat and cheek has just started, and I find it very hard to keep my cool especially when she just laughs in my face (i have PND too).
We do naughty room, which has varying levels of success but tbh I am not very consistent, will take some tips from this thread. I think the writing down of rules is a great idea ditto the charity bag, we tried throwing away toys a couple of months ago but tbh I just couldn't do it, the only way it would bother her is if we threw away favourite toys. As we struggle money wise I really can't justify throwing away expensive toys for one moment of bad behaviour, but I would feel a lot better about giving away
peripheral toys to a charity shop, at least then they are not going in the bin which seemed shamefully wasteful.
Hope you feel better soon
Jo

How complex?

If I wrote my childhood in a book no-one would believe me. I talk about it often on here under a different username.

If you have msn & fancy a chat you can add me if you want.

missbossy 36 at yahoo dot co dot uk

the 36 comes directly after the missbossy.

btw I have no friends either , nobody in the school playground ever talks to each other unless they knew each other from before. I really have zilch confidence and self esteem, but I'm forever hopefull, I have a few acquaintances/people I say hello to, which is a start. I'm sure it'l happen sooner or later for both of us

e it can sound very supernanny ish, but I think some of the things she does have very good reasons behind them.

Also it gives you all something to work to. Something that you can all say you have agreed on and decided it is not allowed.

As for childhood, crikey, I wouldnt know where to start with mine, but this is your thread, so I wont begin to try!
I totally understand. How I try not to recreate things, and then when my temper explodes feeling so awful that I have behaved like the parents that you wished I'd never be like Is it similar for you???

As for friends, I have last year moved away from all my close friends, havent spoken to them in months now, and barely speak to the mums at the school, car the odd exchange of playdate arrangements and courtesy questions about my pregnancy etc. I certainly wouldnt turn to them for advice, which is why I come to mumsnet!!

Please keep posting and we can keep helping as much as possible, even if you just want to say 'I'VE HAD E-FKN-NOUGH!!!!' (I say it ots btw)

Lastly, it will get easier, just hold on