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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My poor DS keeps getting bite and hit and kicked by one boy at nursery!

90 replies

Thelittlesoldiersmummy · 24/05/2007 09:33

Yesterday i picked my DS up from Nursery - he will be 3 in June and we pay for him to go 4 days a week as both my DH and i work anyway again I have picked him up with a big full set of teeth bite mark on his arm! now if this was the first time I would put it down to "boys being boys" as the manager said but this is the third time in three weeks he also comes home covered in bruised up his legs! he now crys in the morning and says he doesnt want to go to nursery as the little boy in question is naughty! Also every evening when I pick my ds up I ask him what he did that day and he says * hit me, pushed me or * bite me! now at the beginning I put this down to a little boy telling storys but now I dont know as i am seeing the evidence!

My thing is that Boys will be boys is not good enough I am not happy with the way my DS is being treated should the nursery which is attached to a state infant school have something in place to deal with this - i have also noticed that other children are now trying to stick up for my DS which isnt right my DS has been taught that hitting and biting is very naughty and he will get into trouble he is a lot bigger than the biy who is hitting and bitting him and never has max bite the child back!

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Original poster

Thelittlesoldiersmummy · 24/05/2007 09:36

also its not a slight bite max still has the mark from yesterday on his arm this morning! the one last week left a bruise!

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BandofMothers · 24/05/2007 09:37

Have you spoken to his teacher, or what ever they're called in Nursery. They should be aware of it.
I have heard of bullying kids being banned if it causes too much trouble.
I have drilled into DD1 that if someone hits or anything she should tell the ladies. Snitching I know, but I don't want her hitting back and getting in trouble.
Show the teachers and ask. If anything like that happens at DD1's playschool I have to sign a paper saying I've been told.

Original poster

Thelittlesoldiersmummy · 24/05/2007 09:48

Same here i have had to sign three papers in three weeks saying Max has been bitten - they are aware of it and when i complained yesterday they said one they have a policy of not naming and shaming and that the mother will be told as she was the last two times - is this all that happens the mother gets told and my ds has to put up with being bitten!

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fillyjonk · 24/05/2007 09:59

LSM

100% agree that "boys will be boys" is not good enough. Absolutely not. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour and I think we do our sons a disservice by condoning poor behaviour

It is a difficult situation for you and I have great sympathies. Pretty much ALL parents, at some point, experience their kid being targeted by another and there are real feelings of "Why my child".

That said-the kid doing this is, I assume, about 3, not more than 4? I am afraid that some kids DO hit /bite etc at this age. It is utterly normal. 3 bites in 3 weeks is not really that much. Some kids just don't get on and express it physically, its a sign of immaturity, not naughtiness IMO. And do bear in mind that the child might have (undiagnosed? ) SN. There is a little girl at ds's kindergarten who is always biting, pinching etc. She is actually time outed, which is rare in that kindergarten but it is the only thing she will respond to. BUT because its a small kindergarten and the parents all know each other we know that there is a bit of backstory here, and are able to offer support to her mum, and her, becuase they are also going through a hard time.

Yes the school need to do something if your son is actually being bulled. But if they won't, I'd work with your son on being assertive. He should of course be telling the teachers. He should also be saying to the child "no X, don't hit me. When you hit me I feel sad" or whatever.

This could actually be a very useful life lesson for your ds!

BandofMothers · 24/05/2007 09:59

That is so harsh. Tell them you'll go around matching teethe to the bite mark.
Didn't ds tell you who did it???

orkmum · 24/05/2007 10:08

It sounds limke your nursery have a really poor policy here and I would challenge them on it. Our nursery also has the no naming and shaming policy, whihc I do agree with. However, they will shadow the child who is casuing probelms and then are abel to remove them immedoiatly and hopefully prevent them biting etc. If this does not rectify then they are excluded.

Good luck!

Original poster

Thelittlesoldiersmummy · 24/05/2007 10:19

Oh i know which little boy is doing it as my ds tells me! I dont think it is fair that 3 years bite and i should feel sorry for the child I care about my child and he is getting upset I dont think its right that he should put up with it because the little boy is immature at 3 a child should know the basis right from wrongs as my Ds does - To me three bits in three weeks is not acceptable - how would you like it if someone bit you so hard you bruised with little individual teeth marks three weeks on the trott i dont think you would think that it was "utterly normal" then!

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fillyjonk · 24/05/2007 10:23

honestly, I do understand why you are upset

3 year olds do bite.

its not fair, not at all.

no one is saying your ds should put up with it

but in practical terms, if the school is being useless...

Kids are all different, its not as simple as poor parenting, I'm afraid.

Neither of my kids has ever bitten (though they have both BEEN bitten) and I am SO thankful for that, there is such a stigma attatched to biting and it makes me

BandofMothers · 24/05/2007 10:23

No it would be awful , if it was my DD1 that was being bitten I'd be really upset.
But I also know someone who's ds bites and she has tried everything to stop him, pretty sure he is 3 yo. And I think he knows it's wrong, he pushes and bullies too. She has tried everything. Mind you he has also been excluded from several playschools.

The playschool should def keep a closer eye and keep that child away from your ds.

colditz · 24/05/2007 10:26

They can't tell you who it is, they don't know that you won't firebomb the poor woman's house!

There's no point telling you anyway, the child may well only just be three and will have forgotten the day's events.

However, the nursery isn't dealing with this very well at all. Boys will be boys is clearly not good enough - it might be an idea to request, in writing, what steps they are going to take to ensure your son's safety. It's not acceptable for him to be violently attacked and for the level of supervision to be low enough that this is possible.

fillyjonk · 24/05/2007 10:27

"The playschool should def keep a closer eye and keep that child away from your ds. "

well thats the thing, isn't it?

there is often a bit more going on here than meets the eye. Not saying its your ds's fault but just that, if he is actually going for your ds rather than lashing out randomly, there might be something else to it. And the school DOES need to sort that. But if they don't, there are things you can do.

I'm afraid he will meet a lot of people he finds difficult in life. He DOES need protecting, but IMO the best thing you can do is to help him learn from this about how to deal with such an incident.

Are the teachers not seeing this happen though? in my (3 yo) son's kindergarten, the kids are never out of an adult's sight.

colditz · 24/05/2007 10:29

Ah, well, when you get into shoulds...

My son should be able to pronounce the word 'Light'. He can't.

Should the playschool refuse to make the effort to understand him, on the basis that his speech should be clear? No.

Should the playschool exclude a child that may not be neurologically capable of controlling his impulses, just because he should and yours can?

No.

bozza · 24/05/2007 10:29

I agree with fillyjonk in helping your DS with ways to deal with it. But maybe you could request a meeting with the manager to discuss their strategy regarding this kind of behaviour, this might set your mind at rest a bit and will also indicate to the nursery that you are not happy with the situation. Both of my children have been bitten at nursery, and yes, the staff never give names, but DD is always quick to blurt it out.

Otherwise you could move your DS.

colditz · 24/05/2007 10:31

It is still utterly normal. Not right, not acceptable, not nice or deserved in any way, but utterly normal for 3 year olds to bite.

bozza · 24/05/2007 10:32

I agree colditz, it is a rare child that attends any sort of childcare/toddler group and has not been bitten.

fillyjonk · 24/05/2007 10:34

I have to say...I don't think the staff are acting unreasonably in not giving names. What would that achieve? If your kid was the biter (could still happen) would you want OTHER parents to know?

If he is actually being targeted though then this raises issuss about the staff. Are they supervising properly?

The nursery is at fault here, not the 3 yo, IMO. Biting IS within the range of normal 3 yo behaviour, I'm afriad.

HonoriaGlossop · 24/05/2007 10:36

I agree, it's going to happen, it's something that 3 yr olds do and it is far more likely to happen if a child is in nursery four days a week, purely because of the amount of time they spend with other children.

My ds has had bruises on his legs since he got mobile, it's part of the natural state of boy-ness so I wouldn't pay attention to that TBH.

I think even a nursery with all the best policies in the world, are not going to be able to stop biting happening.

TenaLady · 24/05/2007 10:39

No, No, like you say first time boys will be boys, second attempt there should of been intervention and a third time, well, I would ask that the child is kept away from yours and if there are any more bruises or bites, move him to somewhere else.

bozza · 24/05/2007 10:40

Not giving names is a fairly standard policy IME.

HonoriaGlossop · 24/05/2007 10:41

but I think the bruises thing is a red herring! A boy of this age will collect bruises during FOUR DAYS!

Ok there is a biter at this nursery and that needs discussing, I agree. But I don't know of any nursery who have eliminated biting or who can always keep two mobile children seperated.

Original poster

Thelittlesoldiersmummy · 24/05/2007 10:44

I understand that the cant name the child but I would like to know weather it is the same child biting him everytime as io cant really take my ds's word for it! I have spoken to the head teacher and she was unaware that Max had been bitten three times she was only aware of once! We are seeing her tonight about it I just want to make sure that the have things in place to try and stop this happening I feel out of the loop an its my son betting hurt! I know it is normal for some children to bite but that does not make it ok! Why should by child suffer because someone elses son cant control himself?

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southeastastra · 24/05/2007 10:48

but what would you do if you knew the child's name?

Original poster

Thelittlesoldiersmummy · 24/05/2007 10:48

Also why should my son move nurseries the nursery is across the road from our house and max has settled in there really well why should he suffer becuase of this little boy !

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colditz · 24/05/2007 10:49

"how would you like it if someone bit you so hard you bruised with little individual teeth marks three weeks on the trott i dont think you would think that it was "utterly normal"

nobody here has said it is ok. Nobody.

But you do seem to be under the impression that this is abhorrant behavior, and that nobody cares.

It's highly likely that, in reality, it is extremely difficult to prevent. some children bite. Some children do not bite. It is more to do with luck than parenting.

Original poster

Thelittlesoldiersmummy · 24/05/2007 10:50

i dont want to know the childs name even though my DS has told me who has bitten him so i know which child it is my thing is i dont know if its one child that has bitten him and so should be concerned that the two are not getting on or if it is more than one child and its happen to other kids!

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