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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I'm a bad parent again.....my Mum is in another sulk!

28 replies

robin3 · 21/05/2007 13:26

Early last week my Mum came over and apparently (my DP was there not me) as my Mum left the house my 3.5 yr old said completely out of the blue...

'Go away Gran and don't come back'

she left and DP said he ignored it because it was as if DS1 was just repeating a line he'd heard.

Anway...at the weekend we went round because it was my Dads birthday. She sulked all day but I just ignored it because I wasn't sure what the issue was and thought better than to ask! Today I get an email apologising for her silence but saying how hurt she was by DS1's comment. I wrote back saying that she shouldn't take any notice of what a 3 year old says as he often says things to practice the effect and now I have an email about how she's hurt that I have no sympathy and for sure he meant it...blah blah. I wouldn't have talked to my grandparents like that (she's see my kids once a week and I saw mine once a year if that!)

God when will this end...I feel wretched every time it happens because I know she thinks we're crap parents and I get so angry about her continual judgements.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

charlottelouise · 21/05/2007 13:36

my dd is 24 months has just started coming out with 'dont like you' etc, she gets all the little sayings from other children,

she doesnt know what they mean, so i dont get upset/angry etc, i just tell her 'well i love you' so she doesnt get a reaction out of me, and do it for affect

her grandmother lives in spain, and she expects to come over from england every 6 months, and have all the children in our family climbing all over her, but as they dont see her, they dont know her and then gets in a strop. my dd hit her round the face last time (accident, i think. i hope!) and she wouldnt go near her because she 'hit me and doesnt like me'

its sounds like both our childrens grandparents need to grow up!!

you sound like a very good mother, if your children are that age and are only starting to say things like that now

is it one of those 'i didnt happen in my day' things???

Twinkie1 · 21/05/2007 13:38

Wouldn't waste the energy worrying about it to be honest - she got to be incredibly wrapped up in herself to take what a 3 year old has to say so seriously!!

fireflyfairy2 · 21/05/2007 13:39

She's being petty & immature

Not fair on you or your ds imo

I remember my dd telling my mum she didn't like her But she really didn't mean it, she was repeating what she had heard someone on tv/playgroup say

Muminfife · 21/05/2007 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tubismybub · 21/05/2007 13:40

oh dear she is being very childish about it and blowing it way out of proportion.

Tell her if she goes around giving a three year old the silent treatment then next time he will probably mean it when he tells her to sod off!

trice · 21/05/2007 13:40

She sounds like she needs to grow up. "that three year old was mean to me! Whaaaaaaah". Try not to discuss things by email because it is really hard to express feelings with text, things get out of hand easily. Have a chat over a cup of tea, get your ds to give her a hug to cheer her up and ignore her when she is being irrational.

Tortington · 21/05/2007 13:41

fuck her.

clumsymum · 21/05/2007 13:42

Robin

If she thinks he meant it, then she needs to wonder why he doesn't want to see his granny

Does she insist on cuddles and kisses when he's in the middle of playing/watching cbeebies? Does she tell him to eat his greens? Does she smell of funny perfume?

Ask her. If not, then obviously he doesn't mean it. And how can you be responsible for what he says if you are not even there????

I'd ignore her, if I were you. She'll either come round, or continue to sulk, either way it'll blow over eventually.

charlottelouise · 21/05/2007 13:43

God, do not even get me started on grandparents, my mother is fantastic, but thats about it!! my dp's mother was, acording to him, not a very good mum, but when she visits she is always very disaproving, and if im doing something one way she will do it another.

she also mentioned (when my dd had croup) that i may be making my dd astmatic because there was dust on the top of my doors!!

Original poster

robin3 · 21/05/2007 13:45

Trying to be charitable about this because my Mum is a good person and in a way cares too much, I but feel this is in fact 'I tried getting attention yesterday but failed so I'll write to apologise for sulking and get attention this way instead!'

It's happened before more than once. On one occasion she once lost the plot when I didn't back her up over DS1 putting his jacket on to get in the car. She said I'd undermined her.

Some days I wish I lived miles from my parents just so I didn't have days like this. Life with two small children is tiring enough as it is.

I should just have ignored her email but I GOT IT ALL WRONG and now war has broken out again. Feel sick.

OP posts:

charlottelouise · 21/05/2007 13:49

turn of your computer, go out, or dont answer the phone.

go chill out, you already have 2 children to look after, you dont need to worry about another one!!!!!!!!

at the end of the day, you have the 'power' i.e if she gets shitty, you can withold access to your children etc

she may be silent for a couple of days, but she is going to have to apologise to you for being over the top and making you feel this way

it may take a while, but if the weather gets nice and you decide to go for a family picnic or something, she is going to want to come along

if she is going to be in your life as much as she is, she needs to play by your rules, and not upset you

KerryMum · 21/05/2007 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

robin3 · 21/05/2007 13:53

Unfortunately my MIL is even worse and thinks we're bringing up to be posh so he will hate her...once he refused the offer of a sausage roll and asked if he could have avocado and she's never forgiven us...seriously!

Why oh why do I let it get to me...today was looking so hopeful.

OP posts:

charlottelouise · 21/05/2007 13:56

if my child took an avacardo instead of a sausage roll i would probably do cartwheels!!

she should be pleased you are bringing up a nutritionally balanced child!!

Original poster

robin3 · 21/05/2007 14:04

God Kerrymum....poor, poor you. I'm laughing now at least, so thanks for that and sorry it's as a result of your misfortune.

OP posts:

dionnelorraine · 21/05/2007 14:05

My dd would never eat avacardo! Sausage roll along with crisps etc are more her thing! Your mil needs to get a grip and be happy that her grandchild has a healthy appetite!!

As CL said, go out, enjoy your day and ignore the computer / phone etc.. Im sure you have better things to do than playing childish games!

Original poster

robin3 · 21/05/2007 14:07

Charlottelouise...trust me it's not high level nutritional training to thank just that he had loads of avocado when he was a baby because it was instant baby food and mummy is lazy!

OP posts:

charlottelouise · 21/05/2007 14:13

Robin...... do you feel a bit better now? after having a vent?? you could always show your mother this thread!!

Original poster

robin3 · 21/05/2007 14:22

Yes thanks...feel better. Would never show her the thread though because she's be so angry i'd talked about her even if it was in a virtual world. Also I've tried giving her books to read about toddlers before and she interprets them to support her own theories. We've had a long running 'naughty-step' debacle and so I know that she'll never admit any wrong.

OP posts:

charlottelouise · 21/05/2007 14:25

oh dear, sounds like shes just trying to help, and is a bit lonely. but its VERY annoying, as in her eyes shes doing nothing wrong, but in yours, everytime she does something (even if its really little) you want to shout and scream and tell her to sod off and mind her own business, but you feel guilty for even thinking it! is it true (or is that just me??)

HonoriaGlossop · 21/05/2007 14:42

There is something seriously silly about an adult who can take a 3 yr old's remark to heart; don't let her pressure you. She is being totally, totally odd.

Original poster

robin3 · 21/05/2007 15:04

CharlotteL...unfortunately not...I ignore it for say 6 months or so and eventually something will trigger her to be silent for a few days. My Dad then starts to give me looks as if to warn me and then she'll snap...one time storming off in a huff at DS1 who was then 2 years old OR sending the kind of email she sent this morning. One time she accused me of being scared of my own son because I refused to make him sit at the breakfast table until he had eaten all his cereal...again he was 2. That was the only time I lost the plot right back and actually I was so angry I was pointing my finger at her whilst I was speaking! I was nearly crying out of rage. I might add that DS is never privy to all of this thank goodness.

OP posts:

charlottelouise · 21/05/2007 15:38

oh dear! unfortunatly i think that unless you really try and talk to her about the way she makes you feel (maybe have a glass of wine first) it will come to huge blows, when you finally cant take any more (straw that beaks the camels back etc)

you will both probably say things that you dont mean because you, especially are going to be really angry

the point is, you cant carry on, its making you miserable and question your abilitys as a parent which is wrong

maybe you could write her a letter, or go for a coffee in a public place (so your less likely to shout)

OrmIrian · 21/05/2007 16:25

I seem to feel differently to everyone else. I would expected your DH to have challenged DS at the time - nothing heavy, just 'that's really not a very nice thing to say, is it?'. He needs to learn that you can't just say cruel things to people in the same way as you shouldn't physically hurt people. He probably was testing the water, looking for a reaction, but that doesn't mean you should always ignore. Perhaps your mum would have felt a little less hurt if this had happened and he had realised how unkind it was and perhaps said he was sorry.

A bit childish of mum to sulk for days on end though.

lucyellensmum · 21/05/2007 16:36

robin, i have a memory of telling my poor old gran "you make me sick" on a visit, i think this is because i heard my parents arguing or something. Maybe your son has heard you moaning about your mum, thats ok, cos we all do it and felt grown up by repeating your words, not realising of course that you dont acually mean it. Mum is probably hurt because she thinks you dont want her there. Isnt it natural to think that their children cannot possibly be as good at parenting as they are. Its a weird concept actually, your children having children and having to sit back whilst the parenting is done in a different way than you would do, different , not wrong.

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