Smacking! At what age do people thinking it's appropriate

[AlanasMum]

I was at coffee morning the other day and my 15m dd was playing up a little. Another mum commented and said wow I bet she gets a lot of smacks. I must have looked a bit shocked as it hadn't occured to me to smack dd before.

I've always been on the fence on this subject and figured I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. Which appears to be coming quicker than I anticipated.

For me, smacking indicates that whoever is doing it is out of control. If you are in this state the word smack is interchangeable with punch, kick, whip etc. - it's violence against the child and that is WRONG.

If anyone suggested I hit my child I'd just assume they were an ignorant chav AND if I saw any evidence that they'd been hitting their child I'd have no hesitation in calling social services.

Her poor children.....

A tap on the hand is never appropriate, full stop. My parents lobbied against corporal punishment. Many UK parents properly bring up their children without it. I can't imagine why it's needed. I can understand sojmeone losing their temper with their child. Most people will have done so but that doesn't mean any time of tap or hit is needed.

By the way more amusingly many parents are hospitalised by their children hurting them each year, often a very heavy toddler's head being bashed against you etc.

I think my childs head is made of iron cos if he throw his head back against mine it really hurts, but he doesnt seem to even notice!!
He has also, by accident, kicked my dh in the goolies. That has got to hurt!!

Have not read entire thread so forgive if repeating ...
My dad was talking about regretting the way he brought us up. He was Mr Discipline and did smack. It was really difficult for me to comment so I let him talk. Basically he was saying that it was appropriate for its time. His ladyfriend and made him feel better by pointing out how bad young people are now compared to your children, meaning that he was right in his approach. I asked if that meant my children were going to be thieves and drug addicts but he wasn't really listening. If he wanted me to make him feel better a straight sorry might have been more effective but he would risk me not giving the forgiveness I suppose. Too big a can of worms to open perhaps!

There is no right and wrong here, there is only matter of opnion. Horses for courses.

There is right and wrong. The law prohibits smacking in many cases and if it leaves a mark so if you do it you risk being prosecuted. It is also morally wrong too. If my parents in the 1960s could bring us up without physical violence I don't see why other parents can't. Your husbands presumably don't control you by spanking you as many husbands do around the world.

never. how can you expect a kid not to hit/bite etc when you smack them? I would be hurt, embarrassed, confused and angry if someone smacked me - why should it be any different for a child?

My mother was handy with her fists. It started as smacks when I was a toddler and graduated to a full fist in the face and a kicking I'll never forget by the time I was 11 and didn't stop there. Once you start being violent where do you draw the line? A smack on the hand is ok? what about on the bum? back of the legs? what if you can't reach? clip round the head? ooops... that was a bit too hard, oh well he's ok really...

It's worth looking on the NSPCC web site which in its booklet on how to deal with children does describe quite well how violence can escalate. I think if you find yourself very upset or cross the best thing for me anyway has always been to leave the room (once the children are safe where they are).

I do not think children should be smacked at any age and have had this row before. It is easy for it to seem completely innocent and not be as my kids have found out from my X. He thinks he has done nothing wrong and wont be told even when the law intervenes.

my mum was 'disciplined' as a child, smacked, slapped, pushed around, screamed at,... she in turn 'disciplined' myself and my brother, smacked, screamed at, hit with a wooden spoon. and yes, it has affected me, my self esteem and confidence and she always seemed so out of control, i was scared of her basically. i could also never understand why she would put us through, albeit a 'watered down version' the same experience that she had been through.
it has made me adamant that my children will not feel the way that i did as a child and so have resolved NEVER to smack them.
should add that dp had a very similar upbringing to me and is with me 100%

2babesmum, can't resist posting that your mum seems to have delusions of grandeur i'm qualified as a social worker and have never felt that this qualified me to talk about what can and can't inflict psychological damage....where in her training did she also qualify as a psychologist?

If I want to know about a person's psychology, I will commission a report from a psychologist, not make a diagnosis myself. Tell her to wind her neck in.

Sorry everyone, off topic but couldn't resist.

And yes, there is right and wrong here of course. If people want to accept this sort of parenting for themselves that's just about legal (so long as they don't leave a mark) but it's such a shame - their kids deserve better in this day and age where there is parenting advice and information and support out there; it's not like we're in the victorian age now.

God, the number of ill behaved, rude and undisciplined children I have come across who have the 'talk talk' treatment is staggering. Their parents can't control them and the kids know it. There has to be a balance. It doesn't work nearly as well when you when you use any method of discipline to the exclusion of another.

I dont get the arguement that it's horses for courses as far as smacking goes. It's wrong, full stop.
I can understand for sure why a parent smacks when pushed to the limit but agree with MI about not doing it as scared of what you might do.

I have never used time out on either of my kids. They've never needed it.

What on earth is wrong with talking to your kids rather than hitting them?

I don't mean my post to sound smug re not having to use time out. I have nothing against time out just not had the need to use it.

not sure whether my approach is right or wrong.. please someone tell me, without being too harsh, as i welcome advice.

i would also like to say before i start, that dd1 is not like this all of the time. she can be the sweetest most loving thing and i adore her, however sometimes she...

...is argumentative, stubborn (she is 5), insistent, always trying to negotiate, in short will not do as she is asked, but always wants to do whatever she wants to do. she smacks, kicks, spits even (yuck), pushes and does that "nah-nah nah-nah-nah" thing when someone else is upset or being told off. she has never bitten anyone or pulled their hair. she has also started using the word 'hate' a lot. i have tried to explain how strong that word is and how it can hurt. i have said it would be better to say 'dislike' instead.

I don't smack, don't believe that it can help (like so many others here, i suffered bruises and chunks of skin being torn out of me as a child,so i know how much it can affect you), so her behaviour has not come from me. dh is the same as me, won't smack ever, so it doesn't come from him either.

if i ask her not do something she says "i will do it". if i ask her to do something, she will say "don't wanna".

the naughty step/time-out thing is crap. well is doesn't work here anyway. she won't stay on the step/outside the room but insists on just barging back in. she won't go to her room without me saying that i will take things away from her (barbie, my little pony, etc).

i simply say to her "conversation over. if you won't listen, i won't talk to you" it drives her mad. she gets upset and says "mummy pleeeease talk to me, pleeeeeease".
she apologises. we make up and have a cuddle afterwards, but it can be soooo draining. and, of course, if she is in that mood it can start all over again within minutes.

the talk talk talk thing, so far, is not working. i am hoping it is the influences of school that have changed her, as she has only been there since september, and that she will calm down when she realises she is 'herself' and doesn't need to be like everyone else.

anyone else going through this with their reception-aged child?

(ds is due to start in reception in september - aaaaaagh)

It might be worth copy and pasting your post to a new thread to get advice.

i have seen many more ill behaved children who get a swift smack, than the other way around.

sorry. i see what you mean.

never.

lead by example. kids copy their parents and violence is never good.

i dont agre with smacking,
ime they mostly drive you to it when they're 2, which is fo course too young, by the time they are teenagers they are too big.
you wouldnt expect a grown up t smack you, whysmack a child.
have not read thead i am afraid, spect i am repeating.....

nally, she sounds like a normal child to me, I'm afraid. They're just like that sometimes. Just love her, give her attention when she's good, make sure her diet is good and stick it out and I'm sure she'll be fine. My 5 have often said I hate you or I hate my twin etc. They don't really mean it or know what it means. Try ignoring it. I think with children if in doubt about what to do with anything particularly chidlren fighting each other ignoring it is often the best way.

never

okay the only time I've hit DS was when I had an adreniline response. Was he in danger? no if that happens my instinctive response is to snatch him away, had he been silly and scared me - no my instinctive response isn't too hit someone because they've scared me.

So why? DS is nearly 2 and very strong - but he has little control over his strength or his limbs (like most toddlers). We were half lying on the sofa having a cuddle one day, he was snuggled next to me with one arm across my neck then he suddenly bounced up, sat on my face and then leant down - I thought for a kiss. He bit me, i was trying to move him off me and stay calm saying 'no' in a form voice when he thrashed his legs and arms about arcing his back and having a temper tantrum, he whacked me hard across the bridge of my nose and managed to catch my hair and pull some out all at the same time - I slapped his hand away from my face. (no red mark even btw it was a light slap)

Thats an instinctive response to sudden sharp pain - to hit/push the thing that is hurting you away. I cried for an hour afterwards and made DH take DS out as I felt guilty and realised I must be very tired too.

my point is it does happen and I think most parents have had at least one occasion when they have slapped, smacked, clipped, hit their child. Msot kids don't remeber or hodl it against you - but the important thing is that it is wrong to hit anyone, for any reason.

I agree with what you say, sj. It's people who think it's right or the best way to train a child etc, these very fundamentalist Christian schools who think it's a matter of religious principle for them - spare the rod and spoil the child etc. that I would object to.