Smacking! At what age do people thinking it's appropriate

[AlanasMum]

I was at coffee morning the other day and my 15m dd was playing up a little. Another mum commented and said wow I bet she gets a lot of smacks. I must have looked a bit shocked as it hadn't occured to me to smack dd before.

I've always been on the fence on this subject and figured I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. Which appears to be coming quicker than I anticipated.

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Yes, I have told all my relatives, because among them there are a few who smack. Of course I would tend not to leave him with anyone whom I know who smacks their own children. I would be too worried.

I have occasionally smacked my dcs. There I've said it. I trully beleive that I love them just as much as all you non smackers but I am quite open to the idea that you all may have a better handle on parenting than me. I would have done exactly the same as matildax in the same situation regarding the iron, to say that that is child abuse is ridiculous.

Soph28 - "I really don't understand the whole - how else will my child learn that something is hot/dangerous etc. unless I smack?"

I don't think you learn anything from smacking and I don't think that is the point I or some of the other mums who have smacked made.

I don't believe that smacking is an effective form of punishment either.

My dd is a child who is loved and cherished and I don't want my dd to hit others. I disagreed with the way my parents diciplined me but all of the punishments I remember were when I was above the age of 10.

The worst thing my mum could do was not forgive me for days on end. As soon as I've told my DD off that's the end of it and we can carry on being pals again.

I don't believe that smacking children occasionally makes them hit others. TBH the most ill disciplined and physically aggressive children round here are those whose parents talk endlessly at them in a "don't so that darling' sort of way and think smacking is awful. Clearly their offspring have different ideas

whilst I'm not particularly pro-smacking I'm not totally anti-it either and I have to say Kitty I know exactly what you mean

Many parents don't smack and our children know what is hot and what not to touch and so do I and I was never smacked. It's silly to think if you don't smack they go round touching hot irons and running into roads.

"However a parent who smacks, intends to smack again, and is happy to justify it in a debate such as this - yes, in my opinion that is an abusive parent and that child is being abused. Anyone who smacks a child in cold blood, as part of a programme of behaviour modification with fear, humiliation and pain as the mechanisms for controlling behaviour - is abusing and deserves to be criminalised in my opinion."

I certainly agree with that.

I always told nannies in interviews not to smack. By the way the pro smackers presumably you would be happy if the teacher at nursery school also smacked your children and other relatives? You can't have it both ways.

I know exactly the "Don't do that, darling" type of parent and their children are usually the most badly-behaved. But there are so many alternatives to smacking - the right-in-their-face, low stern voice technique is far more effective.

just to make clear its not the fact they don't smack that leads to that behaviour its the total confusion the children experience because of the lack of clear behavioural parameters

Maybe slightly off the point, but, have I not seen the word 'naughty' objected to on some threads??and poele saying they will not use it. This has always bemused me.

Would these be the parents who don't set clear boudaries, either by smacking or other more effcetive and more morally justificable ways.

kittywaitsfornumber6 - I certainly have to agree with that! Although I decided never to smack my children again when they were 4&6 I did smack them when they were little and they never hurt another child.

I still believe that the best way to deal with inappropriate behaviour is to remove the child from the situation quickly & quietly - then sit them down and talk about their behaviour in language appropriate to their age.

Of course, this isn't always practical, but it's the best thing to do.

The 'don't do that darling' parents are a distinct group on their own! Not smacking does not make you automatically a 'don't do that darling' person. People who don't smack can use effective strategies.

By far the most badly behaved kids I see are the ones who are smacked.

I saw it played out in a microcosm of 'cause and effect' the other day - my SIL smacked her 6 yr old dd, who immediately (as soon as mum's back was turned) smacked her 4 yr old brother, who in turn smacked her back. This continued on every time their mum's back was turned!

A child who has been dealt with in a non-humiliating way doesn't need to retaliate in this way to try to recover their sense of dignity.

Xenia - you and I are of an age when it was considered perfectly all right for a teacher to hit a child! I can remember some boys at primary school deliberately snapping pencils & they were lined up with their backs to the class, made to pull their socks down and were given 3 sharp raps with a ruler on the back of each leg.

Our Headmaster also used to hurl a wooden blackboard rubber at naughty boys.

I once had a hard smack on the leg from a teacher because I was too busy chatting to my friend in a music lesson to notice her approaching.

The good old days... not

Xenia, I have read a lot of threads that you have been on and quite frequently think that people over react to some of the things you say, in this instance however I truly think it is outrageous for you to say that a child is being abused if the parent smacks more than once. I don't routinely smack my children (why does it have to be so black and white for some of you)but in your opinion my lovingly cared for children would be better off being removed from my care and placed in care?

exactly wildwoman,it is ridiculous and ludicrous to call me an abuser, i had my childs best interest at heart for gods sake,and had tried every other method,but on that occasion ,a small tap on the hand and a reminder that she had once hurt herself on the iron after not listening to me, was sufficient and effective. people on here are blowing the whole incident out of proportion, and i was not going to post again,but have been outraged by zenias and greenshoots words.In my opinion i am a good mum to my children and hope to always be. now if you will excuse me i am going to play with my dc in the garden

I certainly wouldn't call you an abuser - I agree that it's ridiculously extreme to lump a 'tapper' with those who hit hard or hit around the head.

However... I look back on the days when I smacked my children with regret. However exasperated we become with people outside our own families, we have enough self restraint not to land a blow on them, so why do we resort to physical punishments with our own children?

If a visiting toddler was about to grab a hot object then you wouldn't hit them, would you? (If the answer is 'Yes' then you are probably reading this from prison!)

I do believe that I'm a better parent since I acknowledged that smacking had more to do with my own frustration at failing to communicate with my children than with a real need to make them aware of potential danger.

When we smack, what we are really saying is that we have failed to explain the situation adequately to the child. Some people would argue that a very young child could not understand a rational argument, but in that case are they any more likely to make the connection between disobedience and physical punishment?

I used to smack... now I'm very glad that I stopped - smacking doesn't achieve anything except resentment and humiliation.

I think that smacking can be acceptable in some circumstances, I have used it (long thread here last year) when ds was being VERY defiant and strong minded last year at the start of the summer holidays, threatening to make the whole summer holidays a total disaster by doing NOTHING that he was asked, and trying to argue with me about everything.

I used a strict regime for 3 three days, a combination of being smacked and locked in his room (only actually smacked twice) until he came to learn that behaving well was MUCH more pleasant than challenging every request.

He was nearly 7, and perfectly able to understand the cause and effect cycle.

I would guess 5 or 6 would be the youngest. I had to be sure he could reason out why it was happening, and I had used every other sanction. My son would cut off his nose to spite his face sometimes, if he thought he could control the situation.

It worked here, I haven't had to do the same sort of regime since then.

I accept with some children you may not have to resort to smacking. With some children you do.

And teaching your children to behave isn't child abuse.

I wouldn't want my children to behave because they were afraid of the consequences if they didn't

It can sometimes be really hard to express exactly what you mean in one post so I'll have a nother go...
I do not agree with routine smacking, I do not agree with accidental smacking but I do understand why some people resort to it. I am honest enough to admit to having done it myself and I recognise it as my frustration at failing on occassion to communicate with a toddler. The fact that I am aware that I am not a perfect parent is actually comforting to me, I also take pride in the fact that I don't expect everyone else to be perfect parents...something to think about for some MNers? I do the best I can for my children and they seem pretty hapy with that, both are extremely confident sociable children and dd1 is the top in her class. If anyone wants to judge me be my guest but it is your problem not mine.
Phew! That feels better!

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My sentiments exactly. I feel much better for having stopped smacking and would keenly encourage others to follow the same route as it's definitely worth it, but I worry about people who judge so harshly.

I have made loads of mistakes as a parent - smacking was one of them. But I certainly don't consider it child abuse.

However... none of you will still be smacking your children when they are 16...

...why not stop today, instead?

xp Cod - do you like you children to feel fear? That sounds nasty.

lol I probably will, the thought of my two as teenagers scares the hell out of me!
(joking of course)